Issue130 好绝望

fengzhizhiUID: 2707081

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

一个多礼拜后就考了，这是第二篇写的，感觉糟透了。高中的时候就不喜欢写议论文，然后英语语言又差。于是乎，。。sigh~
好心人拍拍吧~

In this era of rapid change and significant progress taking place every day, science and education is playing an extremely important role in determining the prosperity of a nation. In addition, the development of science relies greatly on education. Thus, people in increasing number have realized that a good education to the children is the key to the further development of our society. To overstate the importance of how children are socialized instead of the education as a whole, however, I believe to be improper. As to whether we have learned to raise children, the future constructors of our society, or not is still an issue remains to be substantiated.

Admittedly, it is of profound importance for the children to be well socialized. Socialization is the key matter of us human being to become the master of the earth without strong strength as a bear, sharp teeth as a tiger and powerful wings as an eagle. Human beings associated with each other and only with the basis of a harmony community, are we strong enough to overcome any difficulties lying before us, and hence the human civilization developed to what it is today. Moreover, to be better socialized, children would have easy access to their future success, for the society has developed itself into a situation that no single person could even live normally without connected to others. Thus, the earlier the child learns how to be socialized properly, the bigger the chance he is to win the big prize in his life.

Paying too much emphasis on the socialization of children, on the other hand, may harm the healthy growth of the children as well as our society. To raise children to be socialized, after all, is only a part of the whole education, which is the real key factor. To neglect other aspects of education, such as art, virtue, is a sad thing. We all do not want our children to become such selfish person as only know to utilize everything and every person available to achieve his own goal. Prosperous as the society may develop into, it is so vapid, without happiness and kindness.

Finally, the education of the young generation is an everlasting topic along with the human history, from antediluvian to the 21st century. The ancients trained their kids how to hunter for food and how to survive just as any kind of animal would do. Had it not been successful, human being should have been extinguished already, let alone the highly developed modern society we are now living. History has witnessed unremitting breakout of great people who brought our society straight forward. As to the temporary society, though there's continuing reports of how our children are wrongly directed, or they are even described as the decadent generation, there also exist many children of fine personalities. To assess the education of children is successful or not should be a never ending task, as the development of our society.

To sum up, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that not the socialization of children but their education as whole produces extremely effect on the destiny of society. We have problem in provide children with a perfect education. Nevertheless, we are just on the way. Isn’t it? Wait to see.

StefanaUID: 2143510

让自己的作文被改主要有以下几种途径：
1、参与/组建互助小组，请参见下一个部分；
2、主动出击，到别人的习作中改别人的文章，然后留下连接请求回拍，绝大部分情况下版友都会很负责的回拍的；
3、会有习作修改铺，在里面占位置就可以让人修改你的习作；
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克莱茵蓝UID: 2562571

红色是我修改的部分，绿色是我觉得很好的部分。只是个人意见~权当参考哈，欢迎回改~
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1030704&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Dtype%26amp%3Btypeid%3D101










In this era of rapid change and significant progress taking place every day, science and education is playing an extremely important role (are playing important roles) in determining the prosperity of a nation. In addition, the development of science relies greatly on education. Thus, people in increasing number have realized that a good education to the children is the key to the further development of our society. To overstate the importance of how children are socialized instead of the education as a whole, however, I believe to be improper. As to
whether we have learned to raise children, the future constructors of our society, or not is still an issue remains to be substantiated. (科学的引入貌似有些牵强，而且与后文的联系不大)

Admittedly, it is of profound importance for the children to be well socialized. Socialization is the key matter of us human being to become the master of the earth without strong strength as a bear, sharp teeth as a tiger and powerful wings as an eagle. Human beings associated with each other and only with the basis of a harmony community, are we strong enough to overcome any difficulties lying before us, and hence the human civilization developed to what it is today. (Human beings associated with each other and only with the basis of a harmony community, are strong enough to overcome difficulties lying before us, and hence develop our civilization to what it is today.)Moreover, to be better socialized, children would have easy access to their future success, for the society has developed itself into a situation that no single person could even live normally without connected to others. Thus, the earlier the child learns how to be socialized properly, the bigger the chance he is to win the big prize in his life.（貌似该段没有提到孩子被社会化的早晚问题，所以该结论是否有些不合适？）

Paying too much emphasis on the socialization of children, on the other hand, may harm the healthy growth of the children as well as our society.（我很喜欢你的句式，真的很多变。特别是将转折承接的部分当作插入语使用这一点，很聪明） To raise children to be socialized, after all, is only a part of the whole education, which is the real key factor. To neglect other aspects of education, such as art, virtue, is a sad thing. We all do not want our children to become such selfish person as only know to utilize everything and every person available to achieve his own goal. Prosperous as the society may develop into, it is so vapid, without happiness and kindness. (be socialized --- selfish之间的关系好像需要展开论述下)

Finally, the education of the young generation is an everlasting topic along with the human history, from antediluvian to the 21st century. The ancients trained their kids how to hunter for food and how to survive just as any kind of animal would do. Had it not been successful, human being should have been extinguished already, let alone the highly developed modern society we are now living in. History has witnessed unremitting breakout of great people who brought our society straight forward. As to the temporary society, though there's continuing reports of how our children are wrongly directed, or they are even described as the decadent generation, there also exist many children of fine personalities. To assess the education of children is successful or not should be a never ending task, as the development of our society.（这里从人类的发展上来进行论述的思路是值得我学习的）

To sum up, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that not the socialization of children but their education as a whole produces (that exerts an) extremely effect on the destiny of society. We have problems in provide (providing) children with a perfect education. Nevertheless, we are just on the way. Isn’t it? Wait to see. (亲民的结尾方式我也很喜欢，为什么我的文章就感觉很官方很八股)

以我的水平来看，觉得非常好。首先条理很清楚，句式也很丰富，论证方法也很有新意。有些语法上有些小问题，但是思路真的非常好。加油哈~

fengzhizhiUID: 2707081

3# 克莱茵蓝

谢谢。我高中时就不喜欢写议论文，喜欢人家的散文形散神不散，结果当时就弄得自己的文章形散神也散。 现在写议论文更加是逻辑混乱，写到哪是哪儿。
我会根据建议改进的。