【草莓酱拌饭组】5 issue88 by Gary

gongyuxiang1990UID: 2697832

88"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

Nowadays, technologies have found their ways to immerse to nearly every corner of our lives and deeply affected every aspect around us. The responsibility of technology is to improve human living standard and explain those unclear problems people meet during the passing way. When it comes to some spiritual areas such as customs and ethics, for may part, technology can influence people’s attitude to these areas, but it is not the determination factor.

Along with the constant development of modern science and technology, some traditional thoughts are being shocked. People’s value orientation on some natural phenomenon has changed a lot as well as some long-formed customs. One apt illustration of this point involves the geocentric theory during the early century’s era. In retrospect, people generally convicted that the earth was the central of the cosmic, it had the sovereign power and controlled people’s fate. Even in some regions, worship the earth once was a significant ceremony every year. With the enduring observation and exploration, researchers concluded that the earth travels around the sun and no one exactly knows where the central of cosmic locates. Now, seldom can we find people worship the earth.


Not until last century, were women allowed to go to school and have jobs as men did, and they were required to nourish babies and do housework. Even in some old sayings that illiterate women have the high morality. During the gradually development of technology, people have recognized that females have the some ability to acquire knowledge as males, even more brilliant in some areas. So the modern women of the new society have played an important role in the procedural of the development. This, in some extent, should owe to the technology which brings more opportunities to society, and removes some corroded notions about ethics in people’s mind.

Although technologies have significant influence on the customs and ethics, they are weak determine or redefine them. As we know, customs and ethics are traditional ways and cultural values passed down through centuries. We have never seen such a technology which dominates the current of public’s common thoughts and behaviors. Our beliefs about basic moral qualities such as respect, loyalty, friendly and many other standards are passed down from ancient times and have been examined by generations. A single technology can merely test some negative aspects of them but cannot come in to being new measure principles.

Another apt example to this assertion is the festivals. As we know, almost all of our annual festivals are originate from some slangs or myths. And everyone knows that the stories are unrealistic, but we still hold them as steadfast beliefs. Festivals act as a form of thanks to the heaven by our predecessor whose lives were depended on the natural. In today’s society people celebrate festivals for the wishes to the future as well as the memories of the past time. For instance, the mid-autumn day in China is to worship the moon in a fixed day every year in autumn. Because in the Chinese culture, the moon is a symbol of pure and the feeling of miss. People wish to have a reunion in family and convey the deeply miss about family member through the bright round moon. Even thought modern technology has showed by photos that the moon is not that beautiful and merely a small satellite of the earth, it will not decrease people’s love about this traditional festival.

In sum, although technologies can bring us comfortable and convenient living environment, they are just in material part. When it comes to the spiritual part, our lives are formed by customs and ethics. To enjoy an entire life, we should clearly aware of the differences between reality needs and virtual requires.

sindyttUID: 2661721

88"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics." Nowadays, technologies have found their ways to immerse to nearly every corner of our lives（感觉不错的词组，但Google了下发现貌似没这样用的） and deeply affected every aspect around us. The responsibility of technology is to improve human living standard and explain those unclear problems people meet during the passing way. When it comes to some spiritual areas such as customs and ethics, for may part, technology can influence people’s attitude to these areas, but it is not the determination factor. Along with the constant development of modern science and technology, some traditional thoughts are being shocked. People’s value orientation on some natural phenomenon has changed a lot as well as some long-formed customs. One apt illustration of this point involves the geocentric theory during the early century’s era. In retrospect, people generally convicted that the earth was the central of the cosmic, it had the sovereign power and controlled people’s fate. Even in some regions, worship the earth once was a significant ceremony every year. With the enduring observation and exploration, researchers concluded that the earth travels around the sun and no one exactly knows where the central of cosmic locates. Now, seldom can we find people worship the earth.（作者这里举例和分析都很到位，有前后对比。但有二个小问题，一是，第一句说some traditional thoughts改变，第二句马上把这个thoughts限定到了对自然现象的value orientation和相关的习俗。随后用了一个整段的例子，只论证了第二句话。欠缺一点总结和引申到thoughts 以及customs尤其是ethic。如果例子后面加几句再引申回主题更好。而是例子虽然要分析，但写出对比即可，对于一些常识性的东西没必要花太多字数阐述。比如划线句） （二段之间的过渡生硬了。作者如果想第一段只写影响customs，第二段只写ethic，应该在过度句上更加明确体现出来。）Not until last century，（逗号不要吧？） were women allowed to go to school and have jobs as men did, and they were required to nourish babies and do housework. Even in some old sayings that illiterate women have the high morality. During the gradually development of technology, people have recognized that females have the some ability to acquire knowledge as males, even more brilliant in some areas. So the modern women of the new society have played an important role in the procedural of the development. This, in some extent, should owe to the technology which brings more opportunities to society, and removes some corroded notions about ethics in people’s mind. Although technologies have significant influence on the customs and ethics, they are weak determine or redefine them. As we know, customs and ethics are traditional ways and cultural values passed down through centuries. We have never seen such a technology which dominates the current of public’s common thoughts and behaviors.（说的绝对化但是欠缺支持。） Our beliefs about basic moral qualities such as respect, loyalty, friendly and many other standards are passed down from ancient times and have been examined by generations. A single technology can merely test some negative aspects of them but cannot come in to being new measure principles. （举一些泛例会更充实，customs改变的是形式，ethic的essence是不能被决定的。Our love for our family and lovers remains unchanged through the way of conveying is changing with the time.） Another apt example to this assertion（what？第三段的主题句嘛？指代不清楚会造成论证目标不清楚） is the festivals. As we know, almost all of our annual festivals are originate from some slangs or myths. And everyone knows that the stories are unrealistic, but we still hold them as steadfast beliefs（这句话仔细读。。slangs and myths作为坚定的信仰？）. Festivals act as a form of thanks to the heaven by our predecessor whose lives were depended on the natural. In today’s society people celebrate festivals for the wishes to the future as well as the memories of the past time. For instance, the mid-autumn day in China is to worship the moon in a fixed day every year in autumn. Because in the Chinese culture, the moon is a symbol of pure and the feeling of miss. People wish to have a reunion in family and convey the deeply miss about family member through the bright round moon. Even thought modern technology has showed by photos that the moon is not that beautiful and merely a small satellite of the earth, it will not decrease people’s love about this traditional festival.（除了最后一句，缺乏和customs和ethic的直接联络） In sum, although technologies can bring us comfortable and convenient living environment, they are just in material part. When it comes to the spiritual part, our lives are formed by customs and ethics. To enjoy an entire life, we should clearly aware of the differences between reality needs and virtual requires.（这里回到中心即可，最后一句引申的和全文没什么直接关系貌似。）感觉文章的重心应该放在，not the determination factor.把前两段柔和在一起精炼成一段会比较好吧。作者的例子描述的有些太详实了，但分析要跟中心挂钩。总的来说很不错。结构上再注意扣题就好。

sindyttUID: 2661721

为什么格式和颜色是这样的。。。。
我把word附件传上来吧。。。 88.doc (35 KB, 下载次数: 4)

2009-12-9 14:49:50 上传

下载次数: 4

Maci.UID: 2731643

Nowadays, technologies have found their ways to[查了牛津，find your way to 找到正确的路去某处/find your/its way to(into)偶然来到，无意处于 这两个意思都不符合语境] immerse[这个词不妥，不如用penetrate，可以查查牛津词典，(fugurative)The war penetrates every area of the nation's life.] to nearly every corner of our lives and deeply affected every aspect around us. [我觉得划横线的句子，事实上说的意思都差不多，就觉得这样表达挺啰嗦的。这个句子在lz写的基础上，或许可以改成：technologies have penetrated and deeply affected nearly every corner of our lives.] The responsibility of technology is to improve human living standard and explain those unclear problems people meet during the passing way[我没见过这样的说法，也没查到诶]. When it comes to some spiritual areas[customs不一定全属于这个spiritual方面吧？] such as customs and ethics, for may part, technology can influence people’s attitude to these areas[题目说的影响customs and ethics，为什么到了这里就变成影响人们的态度了？], but it is not the determination[这是个名词……] factor.

表达有点罗嗦了，或许没有很出众的文采，但是一定要写清楚。
句式单一了点。

另外，technology的目的不一定这两点。
不过，也可以理解成这里是你自己定义的。
最后一句，有点偏了。

Maci.UID: 2731643

中间的部分，其实我下午就看完了。
但是不知道怎么改比较好呢。
字词啥的，我改的都很细。
但是，我觉得LZ可以自己再改改吧。

关于论证，我想说，虽然你都明显的提出了技术出现后，人们生活中前后的变化。
但是你没有明确的说出，技术在这个过程中是怎么改变的。
也就是说，技术的具体影响和角色，你没有论述的很充分。
那么，我可以说是其他一些东西改变的。
而且，题目说的是技术改变costoms and ethics，一定要记得这一点。
我觉得你的立意在于说，
技术影响了人们的认知，所以人们在社会中的costoms and ethics会随之而有些改变
这样让人误以为是技术直接决定了它们
但是这个要表达清楚

文章的结构也不够清晰。
所以，我建议lz再自己琢磨一下吧。

如有不当，请lz指教，嘿嘿~

gongyuxiang1990UID: 2697832

5# Maci.
很感谢童鞋对我作文的批改。
这篇文章说实话还是我自己感觉良好的一篇，写完后自己改过两次才发上来。
我深知语言方面有很多的问题，由于语法知识不扎实，但是无从下手，不知道自己到底哪写方面有问题，希望同学可以具体指导，在下也可对症下药。
在行文的过程中，句子都是按中文思想推动的，大概和翻译无异。确实是自己的语言出卖了自己的思想，和组里同学BS时候，思路也清晰了，但是等到写出来就变味了，唯有多写多练是为王道！可是语言问题一直都让在下甚是纠结，还请同学慷慨指教，感激不尽！