【求助】SAT处女篇ESSAY，望指教！

qq102770999UID: 2542927

Do circumstances determine what we should say?

According to Darwin’s theory：organisms are ‘natrurally selected’ insofar as they are adapted to their enviroments.In the same way,our remarks shoud acclimate to the circumstances instead of speaking as we like.
3 v0 Z  A0 W/ M! W# l6 kIn the TV series ‘growing pains’,there is a story tells the Seaver engaged Jimmy, a mechanician,to repair the apparatus in their home.In the process ,the Seaver found they were in great mess,so they blamed Jimmy.The latter,apologized at once.However,as the rooms were getting increasingly disordered.The Seaver got so impatient that they let Jimmy go.No sonner had Jimmy left than Jason. Seaver,accidentally dicoverd the mess were totally caused by Ben,his little son.not wanting Ben to be reproved,Jimmy chose to undertake the reproach himself.
In certain circumstance,speaking in a tactful way can even save lives.Take the film’Schindler’s list’ as an example.In one scene,the cruel officer Goeth gathered jewish prisoners together,heckling who had stolen a hen.Being dreaded ,everyone kept silent.Therefore,Goeth fired at one of them ad asked for the crowd for a second time.A kid stepped forward,stammering it was the dead man who stole the hen.At length,the remaing prisoners were all saved owing to the kid’s ‘lie’.
From the two instance,it is conspicuous that we have to be cautious about what we spoke for the simple reason that they affect diversly in various circumstances.Tough miht be insincere,they are proper to some extent.
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, W; K- e, S# |% ^# R- l+ S本人写的第一篇，希望各位可以从用语、逻辑、结构等各方面评价。或评分，指出我写作比较大的缺陷。
PS：字数MS只有225，如何扩展？

( i: m9 J! d# mMERRY CHRISTMAS！

hyacinthUID: 2184492

225 也太少了...  你举的两个例子 第一个没看懂你在说什么  第二个还凑合  两个例子都有一个通病就是完全没有你自己的观点....
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) K8 u7 T0 I* O4 N4 L) p, h! [多看点范文吧.... COLLEGEBOARD上有很多带官方点评的范文的.... 我当时就研究了很多4-6分的文章以及附带的COMMENTS 找它们的区别 然后6分文章的共同点.

xychen0510UID: 2660148

不错,就是字少了点.
+ ?! F+ ~# I; I- [可以准备点修辞句式,我就很喜欢用比喻.这样既能增加字数,还可以增加可读性.

fantastic_franUID: 2460977

就第一个例子说说我的观点吧:
  z9 g. d- O$ F- m8 C" w1. 举电视剧的例子, 不能很好的支持你的观点 (电视剧本来就不被认为是高智商的作品, 不具权威性)
2. 意思是不是说 "一个人受雇干活, 没干好, 雇主给他开了, 事后雇主发现 不是雇员的错"
; N5 l3 `  E9 d: r# x4 z$ V    这个例子情节本身 跟主题就没有关系
3. 你用了一些 大词 比如apparatus 之类, 又举了一堆人名(用同位语解释他们之间的关系), 再加上语法错误, 让别人"看不懂你在说什么"