大家齐动手，快乐你我他～[零散板油互改大贴]

Maci.UID: 2731643

前段时间因为考试和一些私事，小瘪三的作文铺子也未能及时的为大家服务，小瘪三在此先跟各位跟帖的G友说声抱歉！
改作文这项工作，确实是有些繁琐和辛苦吧。
大家辛辛苦苦的写出来，也有自己忽略的问题，当然希望有板油可以帮自己修改。
那些没有小组的板油，作文发出来，孤零零的挂在那里也挺寂寥的。
当然，我们自己不付出，也可能期待着我们坐在这里就会有板油会过来帮俺们改。
板油们自己的专业课和AW复习任务也不会那么轻松，也必然会有少数的板油主动热心的批改咱们的习作。
我们认真的一字字的写下来，自然也希望有人认认真真的回复它。
同样的心情，板油辛苦的批改好每一篇习作后，也希望作者可以好好的看待自己批改的成果。
将心比心嘛，嘿嘿。
所以，小瘪三觉得，大家一起来动动手丫动动脚，其乐融融吧~~

其实想法很简单，希望各位支持~~
我刚刚把最近一段时间，没有参加作文小组的板油的作文小小的汇总的了一下。
先是issue部分吧。
等会儿俺就PM这些作者，大家随便挑一篇修改完以后通知对方，对方就小小的报答一下回拍批改者的作文好了。
批改的内容就直接跟在这个帖子后面好了，大家一起来挖坑。
批改好的帖子麻烦大家就PM我，我在2楼和3楼做一下汇总，这样作文的主人来了，就知道自己的作文被谁批改了或正在批改中。

那些参加作文小组的同学，也非常欢迎来参加这个小活动。
你们参与到其中，更能发挥大家的力量诶~

各位也希望自己的习作能被多数板油点评一下，这样自己的问题也暴露的更多，嘿嘿。
所以，无论是否参加了作文小组的板油们，写了文章就在这个帖子后面跟帖好了。
跟帖的人，就批改楼上的作文，以此类推~~~
批改完了，烦请PM小瘪三，小瘪三进行汇总~~
如果批改完了，但是自己没有新作留给下面的板油批改，也可以预订哦~~
就和自己批改过的文章的作者小小预订一下吧，我相信大家都会很乐意帮忙的，嘿嘿~

对于作文有任何疑问的话，斑竹小乔也开了一个AW疑问贴 [单击即可进入疑问贴]，大家就集中去那里开炮发问好了。
提问的时候，如果提及到具体的某位板油的文章或者具体的某一点内容，大家就在帖子里留下LINK，这样就方便大家行事咯~~

这样的话咱们的习作都聚集在一起呢，免得都分散开来了，以后找习作还要挖坑挖很深，费时费力呢~
这是小瘪三的一点小想法，如有不适，还烦请各位指正~
也希望大家多多参与，毕竟有时候，批改习作更能积累经验哦~~


Issue 07    by  yxwang1988
Issue 09    by  qiuchengt
Issue 11    by  yxwang1988
Issue 13    by  lime314[草叶]
Issue 28    by  tibow
Issue 41    by  yxwang1988
Issue 50   by  zy0921
Issue 127  by  逆风的船[独行天下]
Issue 130  by  chennanhua[Noah]
Issue 136  by  yxwang1988
Issue 140  by  xiaxiaobing919
Issue 147  by  yxwang1988

Maci.UID: 2731643

Issue 40   written by  xiaxiaobing919 / Revised by  chennanhua
Issue 88   written by  chennanhua /  Revised by  fancyww
Issue 88   written by  stupidsteve / Revised by  紫陌纤尘

Maci.UID: 2731643

占楼。

windandrain2004UID: 2597690

占楼

猫斯基UID: 2607814

被某个传说的中的恩人。拉来。。。凑数凑数。。。

猫斯基UID: 2607814

说我不真诚。。。呢我在占一楼。。。改一下撒。。。我无比真诚的无比真诚的对呢个人说。。。。我来了。就冲冲冲冲你你你你你来了。。。。

紫陌纤尘o0UID: 2745492

占楼，支持爪子！

紫陌纤尘o0UID: 2745492

88"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

There's has been（这句用法不对吧？’s应该是笔误吧？如果要表达已经形成…不知道这个地方用法正确不，感觉不顺） a controversy over the issue that does(这个地方搭配有问题吧，应该是whether…or吧) technologies only influence or actually also(窃以为这个地方把also去掉，而在ethics后面加上as well会好些，但是，和后边as the speaker claimed容易形成as well as 的搭配，这样句意就出现了问题) determine social customs and ethics as the speaker claimed. Analyzing this question requires us a profound and systematical(好词！) understanding of the proper connections within technologies, social customs and ethics. There’s no denying the fact as speaker cited（这句是不是有点儿多余啊） that technologies could and indeed（一个连词一个副词貌似不能并列吧？偶知道这里是要表强调） influenced（时态） social customs and ethics (偶用黄字标出的这些，感觉这样短短一段话对原文的长词重复三次不妥，因为偶在准备雅思时看过考官评价这个是体现词汇量匮乏), while,（偶理解的这个地方应该是表示同时吧，貌似while要引导从句的话就是当什么什么时候，但是这样用是不是用成插入语了？窃以为这个地方用转折也可） I am afraid that the speaker could hardly convince me that it(这个地方感觉代词指代太模糊了，而且这个还用错了吧，和前面对应也应该是they，还是写成technologies好一些) could also determine them, since they(这一块儿整体几个代词都很混乱的啊，你仔细读读看) were actually determined by nothing but people themselves.

Technologies could and indeed（同上，而且最好不要重复出现） influenced social customs and ethics(你这个地方是不是直接copy的呀？) for the reasons as followed（时态）. Because3 a technology, mostly conducts（应该是considered吧？） as a tool to serve human beings, is meant to improve people's living quality, or,（这个没必要写成插入的形式吧） solve a social problem. Thus, if a technology is successfully released（这个是嘛意思？释放？）, people's lives will be more or less altered（得改一下语序） by it. As a consequence, several changes would also happen to（这个是表偶然的意思，用在这儿不恰当） social customs and ethics, the moral principles for people's pursuit for a better life and society（这句不知道什么原因，就是看着不舒服）, which could be easily concluded that technology has a function in influencing these two（这个指代太随意了吧？）. To illustrate: women's social position, without doubt（这个是个形容词，这里用的不恰当吧+is） a crucial part of social customs and ethics, was effectively improved thanks to the Industrial Revolution, the(a是不是要好一些？同时不了接boom这里是嘛意思) boom of brilliant technologies which diminished the general concept of physical differences between male and female, （应该结束这句话了）a vital reason limited women’s social position, and showed that men's and women's ability in acquiring（这个词通常表示瞄准，虽然获得也能这么说但难免歧义） skills to run a machine were mostly equal. (这句话真没看懂，妇女的权利遭限制和男女获得技能能力相同有什么联系？而且读着不爽)


However, I don't think the speaker could provide evidences sounding（sound有形容词的意思是合理的、可靠的、健全的，但是你写成分词的形式就是只它是听的意思）enough to convince me that social customs and ethics were also determined by technologies.（这个位置应该放一个此段的小论点吧，这句话显然不能作为论点，因为说和没说一样）
A much more profound and appropriate understanding of this issue in two situations would be as followed:（同上）

Generally, in the first situation, if a technology was invented with（窃以为for要好些for…purpose为了什么目的） a strong purpose to change customs and ethics and the purpose（注意词汇替换） was achieved. While it provides us an illusion（幻觉？你说人家让你产生幻觉不好吧？你可以说它提出个假设） that technologies somehow changed the
latter, however, we might lost an important component of the chain （chain你应该解释，用个从句引导，但是貌似不是后面这句吧？这句反映不出这个是个chain吧？chain应该是一个过程的形象，个人意见）that it was people's rather （than）a technologies' willingness that would like(likely) to change, or determine,(这个插入没必要吧？) customs and ethics. The only role a technology plays in the process is nothing but practicing people's willingness（这个要表达什么？） from abstraction into reality. We (这个地方偶觉得应该用现在完成时，因为你没有提确定时间，而且它的目的一直都没变)developed telecommunication technology in order to make communications （more）convenient, while merely a cell phone set（这个是什么意思？米有这么表示手机的吧？） could ever bring（首先这个ever应该换成never吧？其次这手机这么仓促和女人的地位类比很雷的，我看了三遍才看清楚这个关系，而且你还是用的中式类比思维，可想而知ETS看到多纠结了） us a new concept of women’s social position, since people’s purpose to give birth to this technology doesn’t lie besides making communication convenient. As a final point, people use technology to determine social customs and ethics, thus in this situation they were determined by people rather technology.（看看这句话，前后有因果关系吗？还有they指代的只能是people，不能表示为是那两项）

Alternatively, considering another situation, in which certain customs or ethics were unexpectedly changed or determined after the birth of（上边用了一次就感觉不舒服，这个算不算中文的拟人？很少见老外这么用吧） a technology.（这句话没说完吧？前后一起的） Rather than the speaker’s conclusion that they were determined by technology, the fact is more likely that the technology, mostly a shocking one whose unexpected effects were overlooked before its birth（不懂…）, raised several fresh new problems or dilemmas in a certain（确定的？这里是表示一个强调吧？但是never stepped in的领域说是确定的领域，窃以为不妥）new field that no one had ever stepped in before. Since the field was such a novel one （乃是不是要说神秘的意思？）that merely exist any proper customs or ethics, thus people were urged to re-consider or re-define a good deal（交易？）of moral concepts to form an appropriate system of these two. Hence, technology just provides a certain circumstance and finally social customs and ethics related to it were determined by people. It won’t be difficult to understand that the boom（注意词汇替换） of Internet force the whole society to re-define the concept of privacy since nobody could foretell the unexpected effect of Internet that privacy would heavily suffer from such an impact. And undoubtedly, it was people rather Internet, the technology, who contributed to the determination of privacy, mostly an ethic（这个不是可数名词吧？） （晕倒在这里……）
Accordingly, there's no denying that technology has a function to influence social customs and ethics, while merely could it determine either of them（这句话是不是要表达仅仅能决定其中一个？）. Since the appropriate connections within them are delivering us a clear concept that it should be human beings, the sole inventor of and who benefit from technology, also as the social animals living involved customs and ethics, actually determine the latter.（词汇，句式都是前面出现一模一样的，很容易让人感觉是copy过来的，这样句式多变性，和词汇灵活性肯定要下降的） In this process, technology is just a tool, but definitely not the conductor, to realize people’s willingness of the determination.（唤起人们决心的欲望？）

Maci.UID: 2731643

Issue 40   written by  xiaxiaobing919

40"Scholars and researchers should not be concerned with whether their work makes a contribution to the larger society. It is more important that they pursue their individual interests, however unusual or idiosyncratic those interests may seem."

Is that scholars and researchers should not be concerned with whether their work makes a contribution to the larger society? I agree insofar that the scientific research should be predicted on personal interest. However, it is still important to carry out our researches at a practical level, so as to properly take great advantages of the resources.

First of all, dating back to the very beginning of science, the people who engage in science are because of their own interests rather than consideration of the contribution to the country. For example, Goldbach, who have proposed the Goldbach Conjecture, which has nothing related to the contribution to the society, while it made numerous math lover pursue it in their lifetime. Moreover, Mendel, who discovers the genetic law that later be regarded as the foundation of modern genetics by identifying the dominant and recessive traits of pea. In that basis, the scientific research is carried out because of interest rather than practical purpose.

However, as the society develops, conducting scientific research would be a high expenditure. Thus, we should consider the reliability of the research so as to take greatest advantage of these resources, which could not be wasted. Although we cannot guarantee that every scientific research would finally achieve success such as the invention of telephone and computer, we still need to base our research on some practical goal, such as improving the our living standard, providing convenience to our life or exploring the inner secret of the universe for us to understand ourselves.

Anyway, every scholar and researcher has their own expertise. In other words, when doing scientific research, they cannot take projects without the consideration of their own qualities and qualifications. The one who are passionate for math cannot be engaged in a project to produce medicine, even though it is very useful for us human being. Similarly, the one who would like to explore the secret of universe by study astronomy can not be taken to seek the secret of life by study biology. To sum up, all the scholars and researches should take the interest at the first place, then goes to the consideration of contribution to the society.

Finally, the author mentioned that no matter how unusual or idiosyncratic the idea might be, the scholar or the researches should realize it by doing research. However, in my opinion, it is too excessive. All the scientific research should be based on some basic theories or laws. The one who wants to invent the engine without energy providence would invariably fail because it goes against the law of the sum of energy is stable. Any time and money spent on that would be a kind of waste. We should base our research in a theoretical foundation.

In conclusion, I agree with the speaker insofar that scientific research should be conducted according to one's personal interest so as to take the greatest advantage of their expertise. However, we should also consider the practical usage of these researches, in other words, the contribution to the society, because the resources cannot be wasted. Furthermore, the one without any theoretical basis would not be considered appropriate to be carried out.

Revised by  chennanhua

Is that scholars and researchers should not be concerned with whether their work makes a contribution to the larger society? I agree insofar that the scientific research should be predicted on（be processed firstly according to） personal interest. However, it is still important to carry out our researches at a practical level, so as to properly take great advantages of the resources.

First of all, dating back to the very beginning of science, the (删掉) people who engage (前人要用过去式吧？) in science are（删掉） because of their own interests rather than consideration of（considering） the contribution to the country. For example, Goldbach, who have proposed the Goldbach Conjecture, which has nothing related to the contribution to the society, while it made (makes) numerous math lover pursue (pursuing) it in their lifetime. Moreover, Mendel, who discovers the genetic law that later be regarded as the foundation of modern genetics by identifying the dominant and recessive traits of pea. In that basis, the scientific research is carried out because of interest rather than practical purpose.

However, as the society develops（社会发展跟科研费用有什么关系？而且社会发展好像不是这么写的吧！）, conducting scientific research would be a high expenditure. Thus, we should consider the reliability of the research so as to take greatest advantage of these resources, which could not be wasted（建议删，罗嗦了）. Although we cannot guarantee that every scientific research would finally achieve success such as the invention of telephone and computer, we still need to base our research on some practical goal, such as improving the our living standard, providing convenience to our life or exploring the inner secret of the universe for us to understand ourselves（can these result in understand ourselves?）.

Anyway, every scholar and researcher has their own expertise. In other words, when doing scientific research, they cannot take projects without the consideration of their own qualities and qualifications. The one who are passionate for math cannot be engaged in a project to produce medicine, even though it is very useful for us human being. Similarly, the one who would like to explore the secret of universe by study(studying)  astronomy can not be taken to seek the secret of life by study (studying) biology (看不懂). To sum up, all the scholars and researches should take the interest at the first place, then goes (go) to the consideration of contribution to the society.

Finally, the author mentioned that no matter how unusual or idiosyncratic the idea might be, the scholar or the researches should realize it by doing research. However, in my opinion, it is too excessive. All the scientific research should be based on some basic theories or laws. The one who wants to invent the engine without energy providence
would invariably fail because it goes against the law of (that) the sum of energy is stable. Any time and money spent (spends) on that would be a kind of waste. We should base our research in (on) a theoretical foundation.

In conclusion, I agree with the speaker insofar that scientific research should be conducted according to one's personal interest so as to take the greatest advantage of their expertise. However, we should also consider the practical usage of these researches, in other words, the contribution to the society, because the resources cannot be wasted. Furthermore, the one without any theoretical basis would not be considered appropriate (can't appropriately consider what) to be carried out.

菜鸟意见，仅供参考。
互帮互助，共同进步。

补充：

while it made (makes) numerous math lover pursue (pursuing) it in their lifetime. 是it makes numerous math lover pursue it in their lifetime. 自己错误的用法差点误导LZ，罪过罪过！

Maci.UID: 2731643

Issue 88  written by  chennanhua
"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics.”

These days, people who work in cities can enjoy the rural lives whenever they want by driving there in few hours, who wish to buy some beautiful clothes for themselves needless go out for shopping but just choose and pay them in the internet, who prefer to warm milk only should put it in the microwave oven for one minute, it is obviously known to us technologies are improving our lives. However, whatever the technologies bring about, they are still the tools created by people, although they do influence every aspects of the society, they can’t play a determining role, especially in social customs and ethics.

In the progress of society moving forward, technologies play the core role, by which people all over the world advance their living standards. Compared nowadays society with former society few decades ago, we can clearly root out that technologies change what kinds of food we eat, what material our clothes made by, how we go to our destination, even how we think about. For examples, Noah have just finished his tirely work as a salesman, he intends to enjoy a weekend at home but anywhere, however, he need to buy some presents for his cute nephew for his three-years old birthday, feel obliged to have a important talk with his parents living in the town two hundred miles away this weekend, it seems impossible for Noah to have a comfortable weekend at home, but look at how he can deal with these? He open his personal computer, ordering a Zhile bear which is a kind of educational toy, in five minutes, then call his parents with his mobile phone talking about when he will have a one-week holiday with them, then he enjoy his weekend sitting in the sofa, eating delicious food from fridge and watching a moving film through TV. Can you imagine these happened one hundred years ago?

Technologies really influence our lives as well as the social customs. With highly developed sciences and technologies, people can easily go abroad in where people have absolutely different way of lives and different social customs, and adapt dwelling there. Just like people in south of China like eating rice and pork, people in north of China are habit to eat noodle, beef and mutton few years ago. Nowadays however, communication opportunities among different areas are increasing due to the development of technologies, and social customs gradually change for people both live in differ areas, more and more people in south China adapt to eat noodle, vice versa, more people in north China like rice.

However, every coin has two sides. Technology also is a double-edged sword. For instance, cloning a revolutionary technology, on the one side, has certain medical benefits in therapeutic cloning such as creating clonal donors for the organ transplants and finding treatments for some serious disease such as Parkinson's disease and diabetes; on the other side, may affects the sense of individuality of person and departure ethics when using in human beings cloning. We can absolutely not allow the technologies determine the ethics, vice versa, we should confine technologies with ethics. Just as the cloning expert Mark Westhusin said "Cloning is incredibly insufficient and dangerous, the human race is not ready for it, and it will only cause more trouble".
In sum, technologies certainly influence people lives as well as our social customs and ethics, but we should hold the boundary of ethics, and never allow the technologies determine who we are.

Revised by  fancyww

These days, people who work in cities can enjoy the rural lives whenever they want by driving there in few hours, who wish to buy some beautiful clothes for themselves needless go out for shopping but just choose and pay them in the internet, who prefer to warm milk only should put it in the microwave oven for one minute, it is obviously known to us technologies are improving our lives. （语法问题，让人崩溃的长句，不地道的表达）However, whatever the technologies bring about, they are still the tools created by people, although they do influence every aspects of the society, they can’t play a determining role, especially in social customs and ethics.

In the progress of society moving forward, technologies play the core role, by which people all over the world advance their living standards. （费解的定从）Compared nowadays society with former society few decades ago, we can clearly root out that technologies change what kinds of food we eat, what material our clothes made by, how we go to our destination, even how we think about. For examples, Noah have just finished his tirely work as a salesman, he intends to enjoy a weekend at home but anywhere, however, he need to buy some presents for his cute nephew for his three-years old birthday, feel obliged to have a important talk with his parents living in the town two hundred miles away this weekend, it seems impossible for Noah to have a comfortable weekend at home, but look at how he can deal with these?  （又一个混乱崩溃的长句）He open his personal computer, ordering a Zhile bear which is a kind of educational toy, in five minutes, then call his parents with his mobile phone talking about when he will have a one-week holiday with them, then he enjoy his weekend sitting in the sofa, eating delicious food from fridge and watching a moving film through TV. Can you imagine these happened one hundred years ago?

Technologies really influence our lives as well as the social customs. With highly developed sciences and technologies, people can easily go abroad in where people have absolutely different way of lives and different social customs, and adapt dwelling there. Just like people in south of China like eating rice and pork, people in north of China are habit to eat noodle, beef and mutton few years ago. Nowadays however, communication opportunities among different areas are increasing due to the development of technologies, and social customs gradually change for people both live in differ areas, more and more people in south China adapt to eat noodle, vice versa, more people in north China like rice.[color]

However, every coin has two sides. Technology also is a double-edged sword. For instance, cloning a revolutionary technology, on the one side, has certain medical benefits in therapeutic cloning such as creating clonal donors for the organ transplants and finding treatments for some serious disease such as Parkinson's disease and diabetes; on the other side, may affects the sense of individuality of person and departure ethics when using in human beings cloning. We can absolutely not allow the technologies determine the ethics, vice versa, we should confine technologies with ethics. Just as the cloning expert Mark Westhusin said "Cloning is incredibly insufficient and dangerous, the human race is not ready for it, and it will only cause more trouble".

In sum, technologies certainly influence people lives as well as our social customs and ethics, but we should hold the boundary of ethics, and never allow the technologies determine who we are.

思路上：
第一段：However, whatever the technologies bring about, they are still the tools created by people, although they do influence every aspects of the society, they can’t play a determining role, especially in social customs and ethics.
第一段和最后一段一对比，清楚地发现作者从头到尾没有在讲一件事。首段给出的中心句是“科技不能起决定性作用，尤其是在习俗和伦理道德方面”。第一点是“科技极大改善人类生活”；第二点“科技影响习俗”；第三点“科技是双刃剑，要好好用”；结尾“科技对人类社会和习俗道德的确有影响，但要有把握限制。”陈述事实和讲道理没有分开。

语言上；
作者似乎是个逗号万能者。定从大多数都有问题。
逗号和定从造就了很多让人崩溃的混乱的长句。
一些短语和习惯表达有问题，如In the progress of society moving forward。

恕我直言lz思路有点混乱，语言有待提升。加油啊~

关于逗号，愿意的话去看这个：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-941110-1-1.html   很有帮助。

NaperyUID: 2710990

帮楼主汇总：

ISSUE7  written by  yxwang1988

"The video cameraprovides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that ithas become a more important form of documentation than written records."

The reducing cost and rising quality of video recording recent years is an icon that symbolizes the advent of digital media era. The changes are so rapid and radical that people feel traditional way of recording contemporary life in written text is obsolete and will soon be replaced by videos. From my point of view, however, instead of a replacement, the effect of modern media technology is more an enhancement to the traditional archive.

Initially, media technology, epitomized in videos and photographs, is never going to replace textual documentation in archiving information. Written documentation, in its most primary form, summarizes events and extracts important information in very compact form. Thus they can be stored in an efficient way. Technically speaking, video, regardless of its format (mpeg or xvid), requires larger storage space and are not easy to be indexed and searched efficiently. To illustrate, text can be searched to word by word level (if not letter by letter), while no similar technology can do the similar search for video on a frame to frame basis. Also, people's lives today are no longer limited to physical world. Many things like knowledge, ideas and reflections cannot be recorded in a picture or video. The spirit of America's founders for instance can never be in picture format. Declaration of Independences, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights as well as many other founding documents of USA are kept in textual form not because photography is not available by then, but because they contain ideas that pictures can never record.


Moreover, language can produce very accurate records of contemporary life. It is proverbially said that "Language is the most versatile art." English, for example, has been refined and enriched over the last two thousand years and developed into a very rigorous system, this enables people to describe things accurately and precisely. Videos on the other hand, only have a few decades’ history. Detractors may argue that textual documents can be easily manipulated by unethical recorders. I will argue that videos which claim to always provide accurate and convincing records, lies too. Let alone the many software packages like Photoshop and Adobe Premiere that enables easy editing and manipulation or media files, the many ways video is cut and rearranged, subtitled and narrated by themselves, can create vast difference. Reportages on Tibet unrest in 2008 exemplify the issue. TV channels in Taiwan, Mainland China, Hong Kong and US all broadcasted the same piece of video shot by a journalist in Tibet. Thanks to YouTube, I managed to watch them all. The message they conveyed however, are astoundingly different. Taiwan focused on how this 'peaceful' protest is subdued by the authority, while mainland China showed the brutal images of protestors’ violence. Hong Kong took a position that is somewhat neutral and US, as always, reflected on China's human right issue. Interestingly, the four video clips out of the same tape supported each of these positions respectively very well.  Note that the subtitles or narrations in the video serve the same purpose as textual documentation. They are the powerful tools that make the video complete.

Finally, only when we combine all these multimedia technique with traditional written documentation can we record contemporary life in a holographic way. Technology advances on computational power have enabled us to do so. Following the trend, it is stagnantly hackneyed to refuse using any new technologies. Videos and pictures are useful in providing information that enhanced the quality of the record. For every document, we can assign a video record as an enrichment so as to not only remember the ideas and stories but also present the exact color and shape. They are important visual evidence for future generation's study of history and for people who wish someday to retrospect over the time they have gone through.

Consequently, video camera or more generally, modern media technology, create a great enhancement to traditional form of archive. It will not however, replace or provide a more convincing account of any kind. Close attentions should be paid to technological development and I am looking forward to a new generation of digital media that exert greater impact on this issue.


Revised by  紫陌纤尘

The reducing cost（costs貌似是表示成本） and rising quality of video recording recent years is （语法错误，主谓一致）an icon（建议删掉）that symbolizes the advent of digital media era（这句总体有些中式）. The changes are so rapid and radical（和前面脱节，上句并米有提到多么激进，多么迅速，这里突然写这个有些唐突） that people feel traditional
way of recording contemporary life in written text is obsolete and will soon be replaced by videos. From my point of view, however, instead of a replacement,
the effect of（建议去掉，因为你这句话的主语就成了effect，而前面提到的替代是video）modern media technology is more an enhancement to the traditional archive.

Initially, media technology, epitomized（这个不能表示名词形式吧？这是作为分词） in videos and photographs, is never going to replace textual documentation in archiving information（google查了，这个文件存档多是用information archiving，你的意思是in doing sth…，但是很少见有这么用的，直接用名词形式就可以了）. Written documentation, in its most primary form, summarizes events and extracts important information in（冠词）very compact form. Thus they can be stored in an efficient way. Technically speaking, video, regardless of its format (mpeg or xvid), requires larger storage space and are not easy to be indexed and searched efficiently.(这不是一个cogent的论据，video requires larger storage space这个很容易被攻击的，影音文件最多只是张光盘吧，书面文件更占空间才对啊；如果是指内存的话，那确实文本文件没有video占的大，但是又不符合语境) To illustrate, text can be searched to（去掉） word by word level（要么是word by word,要么是by word level）(if not letter by letter)(这个没必要吧…), while no similar technology can do the similar search for video on a frame to frame basis.（这个论据只是进一步解释上边easy to index的，但是，这个两种记录手段如果在这个地方作为比较太组钻牛角尖了吧，再说文本文档和video记录的适用方面必然不一样，你要是做部字典，那肯定用摄像机拍下来的不如写的，要是你要描述一个地方的风景，写的就很明显没有video生动了，你总不能把一个地方的景色描述出来一个字一个字查吧？我感觉这是比较的大方向…） Also, people's lives today are no longer limited to physical world（查了google这个多用来表示物理世界，物质世界通常是the material world）【你的意思是video是用来记录物质世界的，书写是用来记录精神世界的呗？】. Many things like knowledge, ideas and reflections（这几个词用的太抽象了，你既然是作为对many things的形象描述，这么抽象的概念显然无法让人意识到是什么things） cannot be recorded in a picture or video. The spirit of America's founders for instance can never be in picture format. Declaration of Independences, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights as well as many other founding documents of USA are kept in textual form not because photography is not available by then, but because they contain ideas that pictures can never record.


Moreover, language can produce very accurate records（language produce records?）of contemporary life. It is proverbially said that "Language is the most versatile art."(感觉同学对video camera理解偏差了，上段就是把摄像机当照相机了，你觉得video camera的记录都是照片啊？可有语音的啊，这里提出language can produce…明显是说video camera只是记录图像的) English, for example, has been refined and enriched over the last two thousand years and developed into a very rigorous system, this enables people to describe things accurately and precisely.(这两者有什么逻辑联系啊？意思是说一个国家没有严密的体系就不能很好的描述事物？) Videos on the other hand, only have a few decades’ history. Detractors may argue that textual documents can be easily manipulated by unethical recorders. I will argue that videos which claim to always provide accurate and convincing records, lies too（这个真没懂？谎言？）. Let alone（这个用的不合适吧，更不用说…那么前面应该有个比它更坏的措施，表示一种让步关系吧） the many software packages like Photoshop and Adobe Premiere that enables easy editing and manipulation or media files, the many ways video is cut and rearranged, subtitled and narrated by themselves, can create vast difference. Reportages on Tibet unrest in 2008 exemplify the issue. TV channels in Taiwan, Mainland China, Hong Kong and US all broadcasted the same piece of video shot by a journalist in Tibet. Thanks to YouTube, I managed to watch them all. The message they conveyed however, are astoundingly different. Taiwan focused on how this 'peaceful' protest is subdued by the authority, while mainland China showed the brutal images of protestors’ violence. Hong Kong took a position that is somewhat neutral and US, as always, reflected on China's human right issue（纯中式表达）. Interestingly, the four video clips out of the same tape supported each of these positions respectively very well.  Note that the subtitles or narrations in the video serve the same purpose as textual documentation. They are the powerful tools that make the video complete.（这个逻辑联系没有看懂— —）

先以段来说，这段的TS是说语言可以对现在生活进行准确记录。理解错误就不说了，单说后边的arguments对这个TS的支持。、
你的论据先是一个年代的对比，英国发展了几千年，我的理解是暗指这么多年都是文字记录，然后出现video才几十年，到这里就戛然而止了。
接着又说video记录的不可靠性。结尾出来video中的subtitle or narrations意思是这些和written records联系，突出说明即便是video起关键作用的还是文字。
那么，可以说，这两个论据和TS是一点儿关系都米有啊~~~
Finally, only when we combine all these multimedia technique with traditional written documentation can we record contemporary life in a holographic（这个全息不能这么用哇）way.（上边一直在说video的缺陷，一点儿优点也没谈到，而且连written的优点也没展开论述过，这里就突然提出应该结合起来，这很让人接受不了） Technology advances on computational power have enabled us to do so. Following the trend, it is stagnantly hackneyed to refuse using any new technologies（没懂— —）. Videos and pictures （噢…明白了，敢情你把video和camera拆开了？汗）are useful in providing information that enhanced the quality of the record. For every document, we can assign a video record as an enrichment so as to not only remember the ideas and stories but also present the exact color and shape. They are important visual evidence for future generation's study of history and for people who wish someday to retrospect over the time they have gone through.这一整段又在说Video records的好处，而TS确是应该把written methods和video records结合起来，论证很不严密啊！

Consequently, video camera or more generally, modern media technology, create a great enhancement to traditional form of archive. It will not however, replace or provide a more convincing account of any kind. Close attentions（很中式的表达） should be paid to technological development and I am looking forward to a new generation of digital media that exert greater impact on this issue.（which issue？）这句话和前面那句没有丝毫关系。

先提取一下各段的TS
From my point of view, however, instead of a replacement, the effect of modern media technology is more an enhancement to the traditional archive.

Initially, media technology, epitomized in videos and photographs, is never going to replace textual documentation in archiving information.

Moreover, language can produce very accurate records of contemporary life.

Finally, only when we combine all these multimedia technique with traditional written documentation can we record contemporary life in a holographic way.

Consequently, video camera or more generally, modern media technology, create a great enhancement to traditional form of archive. It will not however, replace or provide a more convincing account of any kind.

文章的主旨是谈现代记录不会取代传统的，而且其影响是对传统记录的一种加强。
接下来的分论点分别是：
1.video永远不会取代written。
2.语言能准确地记录当代生活。
3.二者结合形成一个全息的记录方式。
结尾强调不能取代。

首先分析主旨，应该包含两点：不能取代和加强。那么再看论据，第一个是基本对主旨的强调，第二个看不出于主旨有关，第三个也没有体现如何加强。结尾总结还不全面。

这个题目的核心在于说明video records 比 written 更重要，重要性体现在accurate and convincing，本来题目也没说要取代的问题。那么，我们的入手点就是先决定到底自己认为是更重要还是不如它重要或者一样重要相辅相成。然后你再根据它的限定条件展开自己的论述。审题关一定要认真对待，这是AW的核心啊！建议多看看introduction.

评论与建议：
依我看，同学审题没有审清楚，提纲应该是没有列过……
要时刻记得，issue中的每一句话都是为主旨服务的，段落TS是建立在文章主题句的基础上的展开，核心还是主题句内容，在论述过程中的每个论据都是用来证明段落的TS，从而对你的观点（即主题句）做出证明。这是一个逻辑严密的统筹过程，不是信马由缰的杜撰。AW主要是逻辑，你要用你的论据来说服别人相信你的观点！切记，切记~
还有，貌似同学致力于语言方面，喜欢用自己不熟悉的词，语言只是载体，表达清楚即可，用自己不熟悉的看似所谓高级词汇往往会误导读者。另外，同学句式比较简单，若说语言，偶感觉句式才是键，词汇就四六级词，不需要那么多生僻难词。

紫陌纤尘o0UID: 2745492

issue 9 by qiuchengt

9"Academic disciplines have become so specialized in recent years that scholars' ideas reach only a narrow audience. Until scholars can reach a wider audience, their ideas will have little use." （近些年来，学科细化到了相当的程度以至于学者们的理念只能影响小范围的人群。除非学者们能拥有影响更大范围的人群，否则他们的理念几乎没有作用）

我这个大概是几分的水平啊 感觉很菜啊！大侠们给点意见 多谢啦

我写的中文提纲

1 随着科学与技术的进步和发展，学科分类越来越细致。这是学科发展的必然产物。在现代社会中，向达芬奇和亚里士多德这样的全才是几乎不可能出现的，大多数人只能专注于自己的研究领域。专业的细化，是现在科技高速发展的产物。现代科技发展的速度是以往无法比拟的，不仅知识总量大，而且每天都有很多新的科学技术应运而生，这就使得很多学者没有足够的时间来涉猎自己学科以外的的知识，更多的时候要把精力集中在自己的领域上来。

2 专业的细化有利于推进整个社会的进步。首先，专业细化可以让每个人将自己的主要精力集中到一个方向上来，有较高的效率。其次，各个学科看似联系不大，其实都是更整个科学技术体系的一部分，有着很强的相关性，做好自己的工作，对整体就有很大的贡献。例如：车间里的流水线—虽然每个人的工作不同，但是最终的目标都是生产出完整的产品。而整个过程中的步骤是有内在联系的。

3 专业的细化，也有不利的方面。过分的专业化，使得学者缺乏全局性知识，使得学者之间的联系和交流减少，无法理解和学习他人的研究，同时会使听众和支持者减少，这会在一定程度上阻碍学术进步。比如研究计算机的人，一个长期研究硬件，一个长期研究软件，合作项目时不便于互相合作和理解。

4 所以，对于学者来说，一方面应该适当学习非自己领域的知识，尽量使更多的听众来接受和支持自己；另一方面，如果自己选择了这个学科，就不应该考虑自己的研究理念是否为大多数人接受，如果过分关注这些，可能会使大家放弃一些看似冷门实际上重要的学科。

我的翻译的英文

The speaker suggests that academic disciplines have become so specialized in recent years that scholars' ideas reach only narrow audience. Until scholar can reach a wider audience, their idea will have little use. The discussion of this issue among individuals and in society as a whole has come into vogue during last decade. However, it oversimplifies this issue, in my point of view, should depend on a case-by-case analysis.


Academic disciplines which are the result of the development of science and technology have become more and more specialized. In modern society, the scholars like Da vinci(达芬奇) or Aristoteles（亚里士多德） who have wide field of version can hardly exist, most scholars can only focus on the field they work in. The speed of previous science development can not match the modern not just of the mount of knowledge, also because considerable fresh theories and technologies come out every day, this phenomenon cause many scholars have deficient time to dabbled in the area which are not their career, they have to put all their energy to their own field.


Academic specification is beneficial to the development of whole society. On one hand, every one makes their skills and energy on single research area can improve the research efficiency. On the other hand, it seems to have little relationship between different subjects, but they are all the parts of the whole science architecture, they have strong correlation. If one scholar can do his research well, he will give contributes to the whole system. No instance can be mentioned as follow to illustrate the problem. Although people who work in assembly line have many kinds of work, their final goal is to produce accomplished products. The steps in their work have inherent correlations.


Although we admit that academic specification has their advantages, their disadvantages can not be neglected. Excessive specialization will make scholars lack overall knowledge and communions between them. If the harm of problem accumulates to a degree, one scholar will not understand other scholars' work and the audiences of them will be fewer. For example, in computer science area, one scholar studies hardware and another scholar focus on software for long time. If they will participate a complex project which refers to both hardware and software skills, they can not corporate with each other. Even they hardly understand what each other say. All of this could hinder the academic progress in some extent.              


To sum up, due to the above mentioned, most scholars should be adapt to learn the knowledge of the fields they don't commit to let more and more audience accept and support them. Besides, if one select their own subject, he should not consider whether his own research ideas acceptable to most people. If he put too much attention to these, it will cause we deserting many subjects which seems to not catch the eye but are vital in fact.

这是LZ的提纲，首先吧，我还没见过这么写文章的，这哪里是提纲啊，这就是篇文章，你都自己说下边英文是翻译的咯— —！
这个吧，我想说，最好还是直接用英文上手，翻译中文文章的话对语言组织是一点儿帮助都没有，而且很容易出现中式英语。

先贴个题。
9 "Academic disciplines have become so specialized in recent years that scholars' ideas reach only a narrow audience. Until scholars can reach a wider audience, their ideas will have little use."
红色是关键字，蓝色是限定词

我先来分析一下，这个题目是说学术在最近几年很专业化了，scholars' ideas和academic disciplines是一回事，只能影响很小范围内(narrow)的人。这是个事实性命题。后边接着说只有学术(scholars)让一个宽泛的(wider)人群可以接触到，才算有用（use）。后边这部分就是题目的观点。这两部分显然是个因果关系，因为reach only a narrow audience,所以reach a wider audience才有用。我们要做的就是根据你的认识来决定你是同意题目的观点还是反对还是中立。你是同意academic displines reach only a narrow audience还是反对？从而提出你的观点，然后展开论述。关键的评判准则是要判断到底scholars怎样才是有用use，确实是要普及吗？根据这个，你如果反对题目，你可以说专业化的好处之类的，引到它的应用方面，从而推翻。这就看你自己的理解了。
建议看看追星剑特训系列的帖子：https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=201436&highlight=

那么看看你的提纲：
第一部分LZ是对题目第一句是事实性命题进行了展开，没有明确提出自己的观点。个人认为，这个展开可以放在第二段，第一段还是简要陈述下你对题目的认识然后提出自己的观点；第二部分是论述专业细化的好处。看到这里就知道LZ是跑题了，你显然是直接承认专业化只能影响一小部分人了，这里的关键我觉得应该是把专业化和有用结合起来；第三部分是说专业化的缺点。从第二部分和第三部分可以看出，lz是采取中立的观点，即专业化有利有弊。那么题目是要说专业化怎么就有用了。这样是不是显得文不对题了？而且即便是提出中立但是开头没有表明中立观点，这样看下来会觉得很乱，没有任何逻辑；第四部分，算是一种建议型的结尾，指出学者应该怎么做。可是貌似和前面的论述一点儿都衔接不上。通篇看来，没有明确的主旨，文章没有逻辑性，每一部分都像是独立的。审题有些偏差。
语言方面我就不看了，AW重要的是思想，请楼主自己慎斟酌之~

yxwang1988UID: 2735195

Issue 130  by  chennanhua[Noah]revised by Yxwang1988


Socialization is one of the most importance(简单的语法错误请自己修改了再上传) factors to raise children to be the useful persons who can bring about a better society. However, I disagree with the claim that the destiny of our society is determined by the situation(用词不当) of children socialization, (这句和上句是两句话中间需要用句号或分号) the speaker
who blurted out it must
have
overlook other factors that may have far-reaching influence on our society destiny. And personally speaking, I assure that nowadays, we have awared
(are aware of) the core merits（？我还以为题目是说怎么办的问题而不是有什么好处的问题） to bring up children to be the eligible builders who clearly understand how to create (是创造吗？) a better society.

开篇结构标准，两个问题全都否定，分别给予解释。用词不当还好说，同学对语言的掌控需要多练几篇才能提高，但是语法错误很多这让我很难过。接下来的语法错误就不改了哦。首先把文章放进word里，绿色的全都改过来再发上论坛。

The knowledge of children, the ability of independent thinking and their interests and creativity are all important factors which can determine, in a large degree, how many contributions they can make to our society.(咦，开头不是讲socialization吗？怎么扯到interests and creativity了？偏得太严重了吧？)We can easily recognize that people in nowadays society enjoy a higher level of living standard than any time before, it's mainly depending on the development of science and technology and the applications of these scientific knowledge and technologies for improving our lives, all of these bases on people in our society master enough knowledge.(知识知识..这和socialization没什么关系吧) Likewise, the knowledge（刚说完了scientific knowledge 现在接着说？难道你的likewise是总结的意思？） of children deeply influence the destiny of future society. The ability of independent thinking is necessary for children who will predicatively confront many difficulties in their future lives, only the person who can independently ponder, can composedly address with the difficulties. In addition, children interests could be the intensive powers stimulating the children more actively（consider revise） in learning and creating which can move the society forward at a higher speed.
看完这一段我深感杯具…同学的文章比阅读题还难懂…
就论述来说，请一定注意不要随意拿一个连接词来就往上放，没有用对的话是会引起误解的。
至于主题，貌似跑了十万八千里。
Wikipedia给socialization的定义是
“The term
socialization
is used by
[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociology]sociologists,
social psychologists,
anthropologists,
politicians
and
educationalists
to refer to the process of inheriting
norms,
customs
and
ideologies.”
无论如何都不会和科学技术知识扯上啊？和学习这些知识的兴趣也没关系的说..

The merits such as enterprise, amicability, responsibility and so on are the characteristics of children who can propel our society forward, and we are consistently indoctrinating these to children during the family and school education. (终于和主题有点扯上关系了) The elementary living knowledge and primary personality view for children were built during the family education. Children prefer to imitate what their parents do. During the course, we can teach children to be friendly, amicable and responsible by not only what we say but also what we do. When children go to school, they learn more knowledge and the methods how to communicate with teachers and schoolmates. The above mentioned merits could be introduced in details in the school education. Then children learn to build active philosophy and world views, help the people in trouble and recognize their responsibility to build a admirable society.
这段我看懂了，话锋一转，同学开始讲的孩子怎么样学到一些软性的知识和获取一些软性的素质。显然，事业心，责任感和与人为善都可以算作是socialization的一部分，为什么同学要吝惜那一点笔墨来点题呢？首先就应该在TS里提到和socialization的关系。

Nevertheless, we have to realize that the problem of children socialization has become more and more serious, obliging us to pay more attention to it. Otherwise, the step of our society moving forward will be impeded and even go backward. For example, at present, many students in China pay all their energies and times in studying scientific knowledge（噢噢！！原来你是把科学技术和软性的知识对立起来了呀！所以才有了第一段）
, acquiring art specialities such as dancing and painting, but care nothing about building the positive morality and psychological health, resulting in some children become selfish, some dissocial and some even cynical (cynical的人也就说说anti-social/dissocial的人直接反动了…到底哪个严重？result in后面跟一个句子我就不跟你讲了).

这一段说了孩子们的socialization出了问题，需要我们注意。中国的孩子们忽视了道德心理健康方面的培养，造成有些孩子自私，反社会和有犬儒注意倾向。例子很好，为什么不接着说我们因该怎么注意呢？个别的孩子们出了问题，整个社会是怎么“倒退”的也没有证实。

Although children socialization call for our attention and still, there are some spots in raising children to be the eligible constructors of intriguing society, our society is moving forward at a more and more quickly speed. We have faith in the upcoming better society.
结尾和开头没有照应，总结也只总结了最后一段。因为你原本也没写什么东西，我也就给不出什么再多的评价了。

提纲:（自己应该写的）
1.
The knowledge of children, the ability of independent thinking and their interests and creativity are all important factors which can determine, in a large degree, how many contributions they can make to our society.
这句本身语病不说了，意思一句话，孩子们的知识决定了社会发展。
2.
The merits such as enterprise, amicability, responsibility and so on are the characteristics of children who can propel our society forward, and we are consistently indoctrinating these to children during the family and school education.
我们一直在教孩子们这些社会发展必备的素质。
3.
Nevertheless, we have to realize that the problem of children socialization has become more and more serious, obliging us to pay more attention to it.
但是，孩子的社会化问题变得更加严峻，应该注意
我不知道该怎么说，但是我实在在这三条里找不出内在的联系。。。第一段整个偏题，第二段点一下还是能照应上的，第三段貌似合拍实则没在点子上。孩子的socialization对社会有用没用和我们懂得教不懂得教是这道题探讨的两个重点并且仅限于此的命题。扯到社会化问题严峻却死皮赖脸的说严峻不代表我们不会教是没有意义的。

建议：
1.
好好读文章，尤其是北美范文。离考试还早的话就使劲背，十篇八篇地背。据坛子上的同学说对结构和语言都很有用。
2.
结构结构。总分总结构的文章，中间三段是要跟第一段的描述挂钩的。
3.
注意审题，明明你的首段不但没有跑题而且和北美范文的思路如出一辙，为何后面会论证出那么乱七八糟的东西？
4.
发文章上来前自己先改错。这是态度问题。

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谢谢！yxwang1988
醍醐灌顶，感激涕零啊！
其实真没看过北美范文，就是拿起题目就写了。正好还有六周，其他不说了，背……
13# yxwang1988

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支持活动~~