ISSUE48 新人求拍~~感激不尽！！

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48 "The study of historyplaces too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trendsin history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of peoplewhose identities have long been forgotten."

The speaker claims that we concentrate toomuch on individuals when studying history while underrating mass efforts. I concede with him that we should not put those normalpeople behind our mind, yet we still need and should focus on thosefamous ones. （中心论点）

To begin with, it ischiefly individuals that grasp certain critical turn points during humanhistory, without whom such significant events would have never happened
（第一个分论点） -It is Abraham Lincoln, the 16th present of United State of America, who led theAmerican Civil War to victory and finally emancipated thousands of slavesacross the country; it is Dr. Martine. Luther. King, Jr, who made (addressed?) the renowned speech "I have adream", proposed nonviolence resistance and boosted campaigns againstracial discrimination; it is Confucius, the founder of Confucianism, whotraveled and spread his ideas and ingrained them to every Chinese. Had not Mr. Lincoln been the supreme administrator of USA,would the Civil War have even occurred? Had not Dr. King been eloquent andearned the highest prestige, would we have seen our offspring play and talktogether? Had not Confucius toured all by himself, would feudalism have reignChina for two thousand years? (虚拟语气。。不知道用对了没。。语法不好么。。。) Although we cannot makehypotheses, landmarks of our history will never take place without outstandingpersons. Thereby, we need to underline those heroes who played an essentialrole in human evolution process.

In the mean time, themajority of individuals are worthy of investigation (第二个分论点). Why was Adolf Hitler so brutal? Why did he wage the Second WorldWar? Individual studies can help us notice thevital role of human character in history (historical)cases （小论点1）. Through the research of his childhood, we unearthed the fact thatHitler was abused by his father and his mentality was distorted - This warns usto take more care about children psychology, so as to avoid another dictator. Moreover, personal-centered studies can unveil a phase ofhistory （小论点2）-Throughout Leonardo Da Vinci's Mona Lisa, Dante's Divine Comedy orMichelangelo’s David, we understand better of paintings, literatures andsculptures during renaissance period. （这点分析不多，是否单薄？）

Nevertheless, we could not overlookthose remarkable contributions social groups have made. (provides the necessary impetus)（第三个分论点）Without hundreds of members ofEighth Route Army, Chinese Revolution would never end; Without the death ofmillions of ally soldiers, more innocent civilians around the world would havelost their life. That's the reason why we construct the Monument to the People'sHeroes at Tiananmen Square; why we express our condolence over those valiantsouls every August 15th. (还是单薄啊。。。)

In short, talent, reputation, or leadershipability of certain individual is in fact the key to most important events andtrends in history, not to mention the study of which may promote human futuredevelopment - while in the same time, we should also keep an eye on massdedications to strike a balance.


Extra examples:
Microsoft would notachieve so much without Bill Gates; Chicago Bull would not won six finalchampion of NBA without Michel Jordan…这篇其实很好举例~~brainstorming


掉色还真是严重呢。。。。anyway，上手的第三篇，边写边查边改，1：45小时还是超时严重呢。。。。
写好自己已经先改了一遍，文章的逻辑和论证还是要加强！！！！
希望大家汹涌的拍砖那！！！！

PS:最近比较空天天发文上来求拍，我还真是怪不好意思<<<无耻无耻。。。。。。。
所以非常感激大家的帮助，我也会尽量抽空帮热心的板油改文章的恩！！！！

StefanaUID: 2143510

请记住，在你没有给予他人帮助之前，没有人有义务帮你修改作文。
因此在发贴求拍的同时，首先要有帮别人改的行动。
1. 在自己发贴求拍以后帮别人改上一篇，然后在拍的最后贴上自己的文章链接希望别人能够回拍是个很不错的办法。
2. 加入作文互改小组这种方式。
3. 参与零散板油互改。https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1048719-1-2.html
4. 找正在运营的修改铺。

justbegunUID: 2746795

The speaker claims that we concentrate too much on individuals when studying history while (when 隔了两个单词就while?)underrating mass efforts. I concede with him(with him可以去掉 concede及物动词为多) that we should not put those normal people behind our mind, yet we still need and should focus on those famous ones. （中心论点）


To begin with, it is chiefly individuals that grasp certain critical turn points(turning points)during human history, without whom such significant events would have never（never have） happened （第一个分论点）
-It is Abraham Lincoln, the 16th present of United State of America, who led the American Civil War to victory and finally emancipated thousands of slaves across the country;
it is Dr. Martine. Luther. King, Jr, who made (addressed?) the renowned speech "I have adream", proposed nonviolence resistance and boosted campaigns against racial discrimination;
it is Confucius, the founder of Confucianism, who traveled and spread his ideas and ingrained them to every Chinese.
这三句很有气势丫 例子有中有外 但是孔子的这个没有感到一个转折点
Had not Mr. Lincoln been the supreme administrator of USA,would the Civil War have even occurred?
Had not Dr. King been eloquent and earned the highest prestige, would we have seen our offspring play and  and talktogether?
Had not Confucius toured all by himself, would feudalism have reign China for two thousand years? (虚拟语气。。不知道用对了没。。语法不好么。。。)
三个问句针对前面也很好 强化了三个人的重要性 至于虚拟语气 我忘光了……不过第三个因为没有用到been 所以觉得有些奇怪（好吧 我真的搞不清楚 随便说的）
Although we cannot make hypotheses,(这句话是在给自己设置障碍的感觉 就是在假设啊 那么后面一句的力度就没有了 与其去掉的感觉) landmarks of our history will never take place without outstanding persons(people).

Thereby, we need to underline those heroes who played an essential role in human evolution process. In the mean time, the majority of individuals are worthy of investigation (第二个分论点).

Why was Adolf Hitler so brutal? Why did he wage the Second WorldWar? Individual studies can help us notice the vital role of human character in history (historical)cases （小论点1）.
（这是个不错的论点 个人觉得如果可以用这个论点强化前面提到的三个人的例子 那么可以使文章更有完整性 比如 现在的我们从孔子的学问里学到了什么？）
Through the research of his childhood, we unearthed the fact that Hitler was abused by his father and his mentality was distorted
- This warns us to take more care about(care more about)children psychology, so as to avoid another dictator.

Moreover, personal-centered studies can unveil a phase of history （小论点2）
-Throughout Leonardo Da Vinci's Mona Lisa, Dante's Divine Comedy or Michelangelo’s David, we understand better of paintings, literatures and sculptures during renaissance period.（we understand renaissance peroid better through paintings,leteratures and sculptures前面小论点提到的重点是PHASE OF HISTORY 不是理解那些ARTS）（这点分析不多，是否单薄？）（所以觉得例子很多很散很浅 如果衍伸前面的例子那么久可以比较方便的深入）

Nevertheless, we could not overlook those remarkable contributions social groups have made. （provides the necessary impetus)（第三个分论点）Without hundreds of members of Eighth Route Army, Chinese Revolution would never end; Without the death of millions of ally soldiers, more innocent civilians around the world would have lost their life. That's the reason why we construct the Monument to the People's Heroes at Tiananmen Square; why we express our condolence over those valiant souls every August 15th. (还是单薄啊。。。)

In short, talent, reputation, or leadership ability of certain individual is（are?） in fact the key to most important events and trends in history, not to mention the study of which may promote human future development - while in the same time, we should also keep an eye on mass dedications to strike a balance. (是为了balance?)

**********************************、
要吃饭去了 后面不详细看了
觉得LZ写得很好了已经
不过主要的问题就是例子很散不深入的感觉（LZ自己也提到了啦）
随便改了下~一起讨论吧~

xiaxiaobing919UID: 2606450

第一分论点：主要历史人物，对时代变迁的贡献
第二分论点：加大历史人物的范围，同时学习历史人物让我们了解人物性格的关键作用，让我们更好的了解艺术
第三个分论点：对group of people的研究，对历史的重要贡献，但是这个解放碑的问题不应噶作文这段的结尾吧，感觉这段缺乏条理。

总体感觉， 是从关键人物到名人再到group of people，但是每一段的论述中心感觉都不一致。建议换一种阐述方式。

求回拍，谢谢。Issue184  https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1051726-1-1.html

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3# justbegun

多谢批改！！
很多文法上的细节自己没有发现呢，多谢了~~
还有就是文章的结构了，确实现在看来更觉得例子很多但是很散，使得文章内容不够深入，很多时候还是泛泛而谈
但是总觉得出自己出分析出论证思路打不开，用时也很多，关于这些有什么技巧么？大家讨论啦嘿嘿~~

4#xiaxiaobing919
我的中心是，需要（need）研究个人，然后递进到必须（should）研究个人，然后让步肯定研究人群也是必要的。请问 换种阐述方式可否具体说明下？多谢了
另外group of people那段确实觉得没有好好展开。。果然写到后面自己都懒了~~~

多谢批改，这就回拍~~不过要一个小时之后才能回帖额……

justbegunUID: 2746795

论证这方面 觉得还是要多看点别人的分析学习怎么可以深入~
看文章的时候觉得还是蛮佩服LZ可以写出那么多例子的
也许我们大多数人平时关注的都是很独立的事件 而没有深入思考事件 没有深入了解事件的背景 这样写出来的东西自然也是泛泛而谈了
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好吧……偶没有资格说别人呀~自己连例子的举不出……ORZ…………

wwwcccxxx007UID: 2699652

同意同意~~~宁缺毋滥么~~分析和论证才是王道