Issue130 第一篇Issue，第一次作业

moonmouseUID: 2694347

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
正文字数：410
提纲：1孩子社会化对社会影响很大，但并不起决定作用. 2 我们教育系统有很大弊端，不利于很好培养孩子


第一篇Issue，鳖了好大半天只写成这个样子。。。。 望大家来指正


The speaker’s statement is actually twofold:
one claim is how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society, the other is that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about better society. I agree that we do not still develop an efficient education system to raise children, but children socialization is not the only factor for the destiny of society.

The first claim that the destiny of society relies on how children are socialized is an over-statement.
I concede that children socialization has great influence on the destiny of society. As any parent knows, raising children is a not only difficult but crucial task, because children are the future and hope of society, and we want our children to be healthy, strong, decent and successful. If a child isn’t brought up well for a healthy adult, he may develop into an ineffectual, perhaps even an anti-social adult, which will not benefit to build a beautiful and harmonious society. However, the destiny of society depends on many factors, not only children socialization. Consider the famous people having contributed to the better society. Martin Luther King’s contribution primarily attributes to his strong religious upbringing, which had more to do with parental influence than with socialization. Many celebrities broke through common customs for innovation and new knowledge, which leads to the rapid development of science and economics nowadays, such as Bill Gates.

Indeed, there exist some serious problems in our education system. The typical teaching approach is that the teacher imparts knowledge to the student and the student simply takes it down and takes it in, rather than that the students acquire knowledge through the Internet as needed, collaborate with peers to solve problems in special projects, and learn through many out-of-classroom experiences. Moreover, the schools put too much emphasis on a particular and narrow area, especially on technical fields related to computer subject, for the purpose of securing lucrative jobs immediately upon graduation. Besides, almost everyone including students, teachers and parents pays too much attention on score, the only judging standard in schools, so that students study and compete only for score, not for interest.

In sum, children socialization is important for the destiny of society, but not the determination factor. And to build a better society, we must learn to raise children well. The most important is that we must shift the tradition education system into an efficient system to ensure children develop fully.

NaperyUID: 2710990

写的像argument。。。
开头看起来就很模板的样子，我个人觉得。
虽然北美里面有这样写，模仿也是一个有效的方式。
但是我觉得LZ应该先了解一下aw的内容，看看awintro吧。
看下4分5分6分的作文是怎样的形式和内容，看看Intro是如何来解释aw的。
好好的挖掘一下这个了，也看看论坛里的精华，要有一些基本的了解。
例如怎么样打开思路之类的。
这个开头真的有点奇怪呢。
不过我就晃了一下开头，呵呵，意见仅供参考。

chaliaUID: 2589767

The speaker’s statement is actually twofold:
one claim is how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society, the other is that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about better society. I agree that we do not still (这里是强调句型吗?我觉得正常来说应该是 still do not,在这里也请教一下了~)develop an efficient education system to raise children, but children socialization is not the only factor for the destiny of society. (这里先同意了后面的一半论述,然后否认了前一半.这与后文论述的顺序不大一样,我觉得最好能跟后文的顺序一样,所以这里建议先说不同意socialization is the only factor ,然后再说我们同意我们还没develop an efficient education system)
The first claim that the destiny of society relies on how children are socialized is an over-statement.
I concede that children socialization has great influence on the destiny of society. As any parent knows, raising children is a not only difficult but crucial task, because children are the future and hope of society, and we want our children to be healthy, strong, decent and successful. If a child isn’t brought up well for a healthy adult, he may develop into an ineffectual, perhaps even an anti-social adult, which will not benefit to build a beautiful and harmonious society. However, the destiny of society depends on many factors, not only children socialization. Consider the famous people having contributed to the better society. Martin Luther King’s contribution primarily attributes to his strong religious upbringing, which had more to do with parental influence than with socialization. Many celebrities broke through common customs for innovation and new knowledge, which leads to the rapid development of science and economics nowadays, such as Bill Gates. (这一段写的很清晰明确,条理清楚,我觉得最后举例子说明社会进步还需要其它的因素时,应强调个人的品质,而不是名人.所以我认为写成 it’s the strong religious upbringing which has more to do with parental influence than with socialization that enable xxx to …. . and the innovation of Bill help him to break …. ,which… .这样把促进社会进步的因素明确的列出来,我认为效果更好.
)
Indeed, there exist some serious problems in our education system. The typical teaching approach is that the teacher imparts knowledge to the student and the student simply takes it down and takes it in, rather than that the students acquire knowledge through the Internet as needed(on their own initiative
), collaborate with peers to solve problems in special projects, and learn through many out-of-classroom experiences. Moreover, the schools put too much emphasis on a particular and narrow area, especially on technical fields related to computer subject, (我觉得把经历放在电脑等科技范畴并没有不妥,这个地方是不是能举一个更恰当的例子)for the purpose of securing lucrative jobs immediately upon graduation. Besides, almost everyone including students, teachers and parents pays too much attention on score, the only judging standard in schools, so that (which results in a serious problem that) students study and compete only for score, not for interest.
In sum, children socialization is important for the destiny of society, but not the determination factor. And to build a better society, we must learn to raise children well. The most important (point ) is that we must shift the tradition education system into an efficient system to ensure children develop fully.

文章在条理和结构方面都很清晰,读起来一目了然作者要表达的想法,这点十分赞.

只是在运用例子的时候有一些不够切中要点.如果例子运用的更娴熟些,文章会更具有说服力

第一次修改作文吖~ 改的不好..原谅我..T_T  :loveliness:

moonmouseUID: 2694347

多谢大家批改及提意见

moonmouseUID: 2694347

3# chalia

多谢批改，回去好好修改