求修改作文~~谢谢!

荷叶无边UID: 2750722

劳烦了~~:)
可以告诉我这样的作文大概能得什么样的分呢?
万分感谢!

Do you agree or disagree that improving schools is the most factor in successful development of country
If someone tells me that our country began to pay enough attention to the education in order to develop our country, I can’t agree with our country more. I strongly believe that improving schools is the most factor in successful development of country.

As we all know, a country’s successful development mostly depends on its technology. We can only advance our technology by studying. Obviously, our country should improve school rather than improving other things. For example, I have a classmate Ruby. She is from a distant village where people cannot afford to go to school. People there are often backward and indigent. When Ruby received her admission from our school, she decided to not go to school on account that she cannot pay the tuition. When some neighbors heard of this message, they donated most of their money to support Ruby to go to school. Because they know, only knowledge can change their life. One day, Ruby told me that she wanted to go back to hometown after she graduated from college and apply what she had learnt to her
hometown. There are many regions in our country like Ruby’s hometown, and millions of children cannot accept education because they lack money. As I see it, our government should take enough effective measures to change the situation. If our country could improve schools, for instance, by cutting down the tuition, or equipping schools with teachers and facilities, there will be a significant enhancement to our country. Here, I want to say, improving schools is the most factor in successful development of country.

There is also anther reason worth mentioning. When education level improves, many others factors such as sanitation, environment and transportation will improve. This looks like a positive cycle. Improving schools does really have such big influence on other domains. If our country try its best to improve schools, students from schools will try their best in their own major, like astronomy, physics, agriculture, which will in turn improve our country’s success.


Obviously, improving schools is an indispensable factor and the most important factor in successful development of our country. We should spare no effort to improve it.

木木与花花UID: 2749101

有语法问题，词汇选择也不恰当。缺乏复杂句，建议LZ多看看范文。巩固词汇

mpromanusUID: 2565872

这位童鞋你给的题目好像不太完整嘛。。=.=

If someone tells me that our country began to pay enough attention to the education in order to develop our country, I can’t agree with our country more. I strongly believe that improving schools is the most factor in successful development of country. ('Pay attention to eduction' is not equal to 'improving schools'. Schools only form part of the whole idea of 'education', and it's dangerous to twist your question like this without showing a firm understanding of the differences between these concepts.)

As we all know, a country’s successful development mostly depends on its technology. We can only advance our technology by studying (That's a curious statement, because 'studying' alone doesn't really advance anything. Studying is primarily a process of knowledge acquisition, coming to know existing facts and idioms and learning to use them to solve problems. These are then used to discover and draw new facts and idioms, that's when 'advance' comes in, but that's already after you're done studying. I think you meant to say by 'research'?). Obviously, our country should improve schools rather than improving other things. For example, I have a classmate Ruby. She is from a distant village where people cannot afford to go to school. People there are often backward and indigent. When Ruby received her admission to our school, she decided to not go to school on account that she cannot pay the tuition. When some neighbors heard of this message, they donated most of their money to support Ruby to go to school. Because they know, only knowledge can change their life. One day, Ruby told me that she wanted to go back to hometown after she graduated from college and apply what she had learnt to her hometown. There are many regions in our country like Ruby’s hometown, and millions of children cannot accept (It should be 'receive': you first 'receive' something, then you make a decision to 'accept' it or not.) education because they lack money. As I see it, our government should take enough effective measures to change the situation. If our country could improve schools, for instance, by cutting down the tuition, or equipping schools with teachers and facilities (Since you say people cannot go to school because they lack money, how does this help? Do you usually think of 'improvement' if you hear that tuition fees are going to be cut if you're a schoolmaster? If tuition is cut, it usually means less income for the school, and less budget, and less room to make improvement. You're formulating a very strange reasoning here because you're trying to blindly fit whatever you know about the schools in China into the question, without due consideration of what 'improve schools' really means.), there will be a significant enhancement to our country. Here, I want to say, improving schools is the most (What?) factor in successful development of country. (I admire your ability to write without a complete question. Without that word in the 'most () factor', this question doesn't even make sense to me. This just shows how much you are NOT understanding the question.)

There is also anther reason worth mentioning. When education level improves, many others factors such as sanitation, environment and transportation will improve. This looks like a positive cycle. Improving schools does really have such big influence on other domains. If our country try its best to improve schools, students from schools will try their best in their own major, like astronomy, physics, agriculture, which will in turn improve our country’s success. (Again, this is very vague. What exactly is this 'improve schools' about? There're so many things that can be done to improve a school, and do they all encourage students to do their best? Are you saying that the schools that have the best facilities will produce the best of students, or something else? This only goes on to show that you don't really understand what the concept of 'improve schools' really holds.)

Obviously, improving schools is an indispensable factor and the most important factor in successful development of our country. We should spare no effort to improve it. (A conclusion paragraph is to summarize your major arguments and state your opinion again. Please remember to do that.)

总结：

语法和词汇方面问题不是很大，句子之间的关联比较弱。

逻辑方面你说了半天也没说明白到底什么是improve schools，就说improve school好啊好啊好啊就是好，这说明你根本没有仔细地想明白到底问题问的这个东西是什么东西。。议论文的任务是先把题目的概念具体化，再从具体中把自己的观点概念化，一直只在抽象的程度上绕圈子是很难发展出有说服力的观点的。