独立作文 求指导

greenhorn1UID: 2740244

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? For future career success, is relate well to other people more important than studying hard at school?


I think that studying hard is more important than relating well to other people at school.

Although I think that studying hard is more important than relating well to other people at school, it does not mean that I think that relating well to other people at school is not important. Relating well to other people at school is of course very important. I only think that studying hard is more important than relating well to other people at school, for future career success.

As for the reasons why I think that studying hard is more important than relating well to other people at school, for future career success. They are presented as follows.

Firstly, for future career success, one person would have to master his/her professional knowledge. Labor division has been becoming finer and finer nowadays. Every person is all a part in the huge machine of society. If one person wants to succeed in his/her future career, he/she has to know very well how this part operates in the whole machine. That is, one person has to grasp very well his/her professional knowledge. At school, if one person wants to grasp very well knowledge on his/her major, hard working could not be the sole, but would be the most effective way. Admittedly, relating well to other people at school would be helpful for one person to master his/her professional knowledge. However, hard working would help people more than relating well to other people in this point to master his/her major knowledge. As a result, I think that the former is more important than the latter.

Secondly, for future career success, one person would have to profoundly study the industry that he/she wants to enter. I mean the history and development trend in the industry. For instance, I want to work for the Internet industry in the future. However, as a student, I don’t know much about it now. If I want to succeed in my future career in the Internet industry, I would need to learn its history and development trend deeply so that I could find a promising job position in a promising company in the future. These all need me to spend a large quantity of time to study, to hard work, as we all know that it is very hard if we want to figure out the history and development trend of the Internet industry. Similarly, in this point to profoundly study the industry that he/she wants to enter, hard working would contribute people more than relating well to other people. Consequently, I think that the former is more important than the latter.

I never deny the importance and value and social duty of relating well to other people at school. In fact, I have done very well on relating well to other people at school. I only want to say, when we are at school, studying hard is more important than relating well to other people for the purpose of future career success. When we are out of school, relating well to other people is more important than studying hard for future career success. However, this is another topic out of this essay.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

题目的语法看起来很诡异，是真题么？。。=.=

I think that studying hard is more important than relating well to other people at school.

Although I think that studying hard is more important than relating well to other people at school, it does not mean that I think that relating well to other people at school is not important. Relating well to other people at school is of course very important. I only think that studying hard is more important than relating well to other people at school, for future career success.

As for the reasons why I think that studying hard is more important than relating well to other people at school, for future career success. They are presented as follows. (My, this is almost a tongue-twister you're writing. Yes, I understand perfectly that you're trying to qualify your opinion and statement and all that - but if you do that entirely in the question's own words, it's not going to be very effective. You are still not showing any UNDERSTANDING of the two concepts here. I can just substitute anything into 'studying hard' and 'relating well to other people' - like 'find a good job' and 'find a rich husband' - and all your statement still hold. You didn't add any valuable information to the discussion. At the very least, you should use pronouns to shorten the sentences so that you don't keep repeating the same phrases again, and again, and again.)

Firstly, for future career success, one person would have to master his/her professional knowledge. Labor division has been becoming finer and finer nowadays. Every person is all each? a part in the huge machine of the society. If one person wants to succeed in his/her future career, he/she has to know very well how this part operates in the whole machine. That is, one person has to grasp very well his/her professional knowledge. At school, if one person wants to grasp very well knowledge on his/her major, hard working could not be the sole, but would be the most effective way. Admittedly, relating well to other people at school would be helpful for one person to master his/her professional knowledge. However, hard working would help people more (And WHY IS THAT? You can't just make this statement without any solid example to prove it. Your reasoning should amount to some conclusion, yes, but you can't do with ONLY the conclusion.) than relating well to other people in this point to master his/her major knowledge.  As a result, I think that the former is more important than the latter. (I'm already getting the impression that you're simply putting various phrases - like 'grasp knowledge well', 'hard working', and 'relating to people' - into those little empty brackets in a very generic template. Why? Because there's nothing I can't subsitute here, as I've said in the opening paragraphs' comment. There's no solid development of logic nor any substantial, relevant example - which means you're not thinking quite enough about what your essay should be all about. Also, if I can spot a template this soon, the examiners are not going to do much worse. That's why I always say templates are extremely easy to spot, and very difficult to use well. A template can help you to scaffold an essay quickly, yes, but ultimately it's the details in your reasoning that matter. Without the capability to demonstrate a firm understanding of the question and to flesh your essay out with that understanding, your essay will remain a hollow outline hanging from the template like what we call a 烂尾楼 in Chinese..and it's not pretty.)

Secondly, for future career success, one person would have to profoundly study the industry that he/she wants to enter (Isn't that part of 'professional knowledge'? How is this different from the previous point?). I mean the history and development trend in the industry. For instance, I want to work for the Internet industry (The 'Internet' is not quite an industry in itself, and relating to it are myriads of industries too.) in the future. However, as a student, I don’t know much about it now. If I want to succeed in my future career in the Internet industry, I would need to learn its history and development trend deeply so that I could find a promising job position in a promising company in the future. These all need me to spend a large quantity of time to study, to hard work hard (Your template filling gets this far - you do not even realize that putting the same phrase everywhere is sometimes grammatically wrong..), as we all know that it is very hard if we want to figure out the history and development trend of the Internet industry. Similarly, in this point to profoundly study the industry that he/she wants to enter, hard working would contribute to people more than (Again, WHY? I can easily argue that all your reasoning doesn't make sense at all - isn't the best way of understanding an industry is to ask people who're in the industry themselves? How are you going to convince me if you just keep repeating that your point is valid?) relating well to other people.  Consequently, I think that the former is more important than the latter.

I never deny the importance and value and social duty of relating well to other people at school. In fact, I have done very well on relating well to other people at school. I only want to say, when we are at school, studying hard is more important than relating well to other people for the purpose of future career success. When we are out of school, relating well to other people is more important than studying hard for future career success. However, this is another topic out of this essay (Since it's out, then you might as well just leave it as so. Putting a point in your essay then saying it's not in your scope is one of the surest ways to elicit a 'Duh!' from your readers..).

总结：

额。这位同学，不是我打击你，如果这个作文代表你的水准我觉得你还是先花点时间把基础再打一下比较好。。=.=

语法 - 通篇模板句所以看不出语法问题。不过从你填模板都填到有错的情况看来如果让你自己写那多半是木感觉的。。=.=

词汇 - 这么说吧，你用到的，不是题目中已经有的，并且有实际意义的关键字，估计不超过十个。。这个宽度的词汇量是不能让读者获取什么有用的信息的 =.=

逻辑 - 额，没有逻辑。。我理解你在格式上做得很努力，开篇要解释，每段要扣题，这些都是好的，但是你不能就靠不停地说读书就是好就是好就是好这样成一篇议论文啊，议论文三要素，论点论据论证，你得证啊。。就拿你第一个分论点说吧，要成功就要掌握专业知识，努力读书可以最effective地掌握专业知识，所以虽然跟人关系好也能帮助掌握专业知识，还是努力读书比跟人关系好重要 - 这完全没有证明可言，都只是在做结论而已。你怎么知道读书是最effective的？你通过什么来阐释读书比人际关系对掌握专业知识的作用更大？表述这些什么和为什么，才是真正展现你对问题的理解和语言组织能力的地方，否则你的作文就像我在文中说的，是一个挂在模板架子上里面空荡荡的烂尾楼。。请认真思考。