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rosahuUID: 2668498

1月19日作文：人们应不应该被允许在公共交通（巴士、火车、飞机）上使用移动电话。

  In today’s society, it tends to be a common phenomenon that people are fond of using cell phones in the public transportation. Because people hold that, thanks to cell phones, they can easily connect with others at any moment. However, I believe it is not a polite behavior in the public and we should forbid it because it cannot avoid to make noises, lack the privacy and safety.

    Situated in the bus chairs, people who get a phone call must make noises and disturb other passengers. Suppose you have a rest in a bus or a plane, the moment you are immersed in your fond dreams, a sudden cell phone wakes you up. How angry you are! The same is with others. So when you enjoy chatting with others or discuss business by the cell phones in a bus or a plane, please think about the person who sitting around you. Each of us is a member of city residents, thinking more about others, and we will get the equal treatment by others. That’s why when we were a little child, mum told us that never speak aloud in the public.

     Furthermore, no one can deny that making a cell phone in the pubic has no privacy at all. The words you talk will be shared by the all present there. By the way you speak,others will guess what kind of person you are. And if you say honey words or angry words to the phone, it is very weird and unsuitable to other passengers who are hearing. Considering there is no privacy room in the public transportation, the good way for us to deal with an important phone is not to pick up and call it back when you are convenient.

    Finally, it is not safe when you in the public transportation, especially in a bus. Research indicates that a large amount of people who die in a car accident by a careless driver. And a great number of drivers are careless caused by making phone calls. Make sure the safe conditions of you or even your passengers, don’t make phone calls when you are driving. What’s more, as a passenger, after you making a cell phone, it cannot avoid that a thief has focus on you because he knows where your phone it is. Whoever you are, a driver or a passenger, using your cell phones is not wise.

    To sum up, making cell phones not only risk the dangers of you, and expose your privacy to the public, but also disturb others and harm to the society. We should learn to be a polite resident of our city. Think about ourselves, and think more about others.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

In today’s society, it tends to be a common phenomenon that people are fond of using cell phones in the public transportation. Because people hold that (This can be confusing because your reader won't be able to tell whether 'hold that' means to 'grab something' or to 'maintain an opinion', unless they read on. You could add 'an opinion' before 'that'.), thanks to cell phones, they can easily connect with others at any moment. However, I believe it (What? 'cell phones' or 'using cell phones'?) is not a polite behavior in the public and we should forbid it because it cannot avoid ('Avoid' means to 'prevent' or to 'refrain' from something, therefore it's usually an action initiated by people, not things. It's not the same as 'stop'. It's also a vt. so you normally 'avoid (doing) something' but not 'avoid to do something'.) to make noises, lack the privacy and safety (These are very confusing in terms of structure. They can be two verb phrases - make noises, lack 'privacy and safety' - or 2 verb phrases and a noun. It's also not clear whether your 'avoid' only refers to the 'make noises' part. This kind of long, tangled strucutre can be avoided if you cut down the complexity of your clauses and think in smaller terms - for example, you can simply say '..because it is noisy, it lacks privacy, and it is not safe.').

Situated ('Situate' has a sense of permanent location. Use 'seated'.) in the bus chairs, people who get a phone calls must make noises and disturb other passengers. (Are you saying people don't stand in buses, or people who stand in buses don't use cell phones?) Suppose you have a rest in a bus or a plane (I thought you were only talking about 'bus'. Where does this 'plane' come from?). the moment you are immersed in your fond dreams, a sudden cell phone wakes you up (If you read this carefully, you'll realize that what you've written means somebody has thrown a cell phone and hit you on the head or something. It's the phone 'ring' that wakes people up, not the phone itself.). How angry you are! The same is with others (What? Or who?). So when you enjoy chatting with others or discuss business by the cell phones in a bus or a plane, please think about the person who is sitting around? you (I'm yet to see a single person who can sit 'around' another person all by himself..plus, this is an essay about whether people should or should not use cells in public transport. Your job is to explain that, not to promote people to not use cells in public transport.). Each of us is a member of the city's residents. thinking more about others, and we will get the equal treatment by others. That’s why when we were a little children, mum told us that never speak aloud in the public. (Wow. Does this have anything to do with the actual purpose of this essay? You're now slipping further into the 'modal citizen guidelines' mode, rather than into explaining what the question expects you to explain.)

Furthermore, no one can deny that making a cell phone call in the pubic has no privacy at all. The words you talk will be shared by the all present there. By the way you speak,others will guess what kind of person you are. And if you say honey? words or angry words to the phone, it is very weird and unsuitable to other passengers who are hearing. Considering there is no privacy room in the public transportation (Are you sure there are no toilets on trains and planes?), the good way for us to deal with an important phone call is not to pick up and call it back when you are convenient. (Again, the question is asking you to explain whether people should or should not use cells in public transportation, not what they should do with cell phone calls in public transportation. Please keep the purpose of your essay clearly in mind.)

Finally, it is not safe when you are in the public transportation?, especially in a bus ('not safe' 'using cell phones', I guess?). Research indicates that a large amount number of people who die in a car accident by a careless driver. And a great number of drivers are careless caused by making phone calls. (BUT cars are NOT considered public transportation!! That immediately trashes the whole point you're trying to make.) Make sure the safe conditions of you? or even your passengers, don’t make phone calls when you are driving. What’s more, as a passenger, after you making a cell phone call, it cannot avoid that a thief has focus on you? (Now I think your problem is not with the word 'avoid', but with the format 'It cannot ... that...' as a sentence. The verb here must be passive, or else the sentence lack a proper subject, i.e. you must say 'It cannot BE AVOIDED that...') because he knows where your phone it is. Whoever you are, a driver or a passenger, using your cell phones is not wise.

To sum up, making cell phone calls not only risk the dangers (You don't 'risk the dangers'. You 'risk the safety'.) of you, and expose your privacy to the public, but also disturb others and harm to the society (Now this didn't come out anywhere in your essay.). We should learn to be a polite resident of our city. Think about ourselves, and think more about others. (Again, don't sink into the 'modal citizen guidelines' mentality just because the question seems to be about social etiquette, or because you feel you're more comfortable with the language in the social etiquette aspect.)

总结：

语法 - 介词有些用得比较诡异，但句法的问题更严重。请认真检查长句中的语法，避免跑句，避免分句中语法错误。

词汇 - 中式表达很多，请注意表达方式。

逻辑 - 第三个论点完全无效，因为car不属于公共交通。。另外你还是有把一个跟社会道德沾点边儿论述题直接写成道德题的倾向，说着说着就开始谈要做好市民就不应该怎样怎样妈妈从小教我们怎样怎样 =.= 题目问你的事情是手机的事情，和是不是做好市民有什么关系呢。。也许你平常写文写道德题目比较多，但是不能因为这个就什么都往道德上写，就算你要往道德上写也得转回来到 应不应该 这个题目上，而不是道德的市民怎么做。请注意扣题。