1月28日 周四 综合写作 By 弘

lanyouno2UID: 2649409

超时了4分钟，真实考场上还有干扰，恐怕时间还得花的更多。

Do you agree or disagree: The telephone has a greater effect on people’s lives than the televisions do?

Perhaps there is no communicational tools in this world is so influence to people’s lives as the telephone and TV. Despite various responses people would have on the issue which of them is the hell more effect to our lives, as to me , if given the chance, I prefer to endorse that televisions has more high status and telephones in people’s daily lives.

First of all, televisions are not only changing the means of people’s thinking, but also modifying the style of lives. A hundred years ago, all kinds of information in every corner of the world could be shared to other people in different place result from there is no effective media tools. While, after our scientist invented the TV, things had been change greatly. Now we can get the courses of the famous universities in the world and watch the blackboard words written by the famous professor by using the TVs, then we have an other ways to choose to go to school, especially for the disables.

Also, television can release our pressure after all day work. For example, my dad will turn on the TV as soon as he gets home. He said that thanks to the TV so that he can sleep after watching it, and then have a good mantle health to continue the coming day’s work. What’s more , the Discovery Channel he always watches on the TV inspires him to hike the mountains as long as he has spare time. You see, the TV keeps my dad a young heart.

The idea that telephones is effect to people’s lives is somewhat understandable, we can talk to our friends although they are in the other side of the ocean due to the telephones. In part, however, televisions can bring all sorts of images to your home or office, you can receive them as long as you don’t want to leave home.

fatruiUID: 2726256

Do you agree or disagree: The telephone has a greater effect on people’s lives than the televisions do?

    Perhaps there is no communicational tools in this world is(are) so influence to people’s lives as the telephone and TV. Despite various responses people would have on the issue which of them（小弟不才 不知道them只什么） is the hell more effect to our lives, as to me , if given the chance, I prefer to endorse that televisions has more high status and（than） telephones in people’s daily lives.(这个长句，比长城还长，建议去看那个135句，用那里面的句子来开头，加油！~)

    First of all, televisions are not only changing the means of people’s thinking, but also modifying the style of （people’s）lives. A hundred years ago, all kinds of information in every corner of the world could be shared to other people in different place result from there is no effective media tools. （小弟不才，没看懂）While, after our scientist invented the TV, things had been change greatly. Now we can get the courses of the famous universities in the world（这里的表达再琢磨琢磨） and watch the blackboard words written by the famous professor by using the TVs, then we have an other ways to choose to go to school, especially for the disables. （这里看得有点糊涂，因为你没有很好扣住你的论点，这里要加强，写的时候多想想，写完的时候也多想想）

    Also, television can release our pressure after all day work. （感觉啊，怎么少了和电话的比较呢）For example, my dad will turn on the TV as soon as he gets home. （可以用用immediately这种词）He said that thanks to the TV so that he can sleep after watching it, and then have a good mantle health （这个词都会用 羡慕）to continue the coming day’s work.（感觉这个例子有点乏力，你可以说爸回家就看什么show，然后一边看一边大笑，然后释放压力） What’s more , the Discovery Channel he always watches on the TV inspires him to hike the mountains as long as he has spare time. You see, the TV keeps my dad a young heart.（最后加最后一句，回扣一样本段的论点）

    （这里前面用总结类型的开头）The idea that telephones is effect to people’s lives is somewhat understandable, we can talk to our friends although they are in the other side of the ocean due to the telephones. In part, however, televisions can bring all sorts of images to your home or office, you（不要用you 要用our这个词） can receive them as long as you don’t want to leave home.（这句话意思比较逗，我翻译一下：然而，TV可以发很多画面到你的家还有办公室，只要你不要离开你的家你就能接收到了。感觉问题在于，读者我不知道你表达什么意思，感觉你需要换一种表达的方式）

总结：你很像我，有好的论点论据，但是不知道怎么去到论证你自己的观点，相信你也觉得自己的论证过程都点乏力，就是说你的论据弄出来后，反而论据在为论据服务，这样不行，要回去想想到底怎么能使得自己的论据能服务好自己的论点，没写一句你都想想。当你这个文章写了两天过后，你好好回去看看你自己的文章，看看你还看得懂不，你就能知道自己问题在哪。

这是mpromanus给我的评价：当时评价的文章是在https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1049527-1-1.html的5楼，你可以也去看看。
语法 - 你的句法非常弱，尤其在平行复句中基本写不出像样的句子，请多加注意。/ r: G7 w& |+ f* V
词汇 - 有很多语义不焉的表达..部分是因为语法混乱，部分是因为看不出你在想些什么 =.=
逻辑 - 你有很好的论点和论据，但是你的论证非常弱。论证的意思是你要让读者看到你的论据是怎么能证明你的论点的，这个证明的过程要解释得清晰、充分、有力，而不是顺着论据想到什么就写什么看看差不多一段了就可以了。最起码的，在每个论点段的结尾都要回去想想你前面说了这么多到底有没有说明你本段第一句话说的那个论点。。

呵呵 咱们一起多想想 多总结 多练习是要的 但现在的我们要先练练我们自己的思维。