【clover】106G Issue104 习作 by 九天揽月

九天揽月UID: 2737667

Issue 104
2010-01-31
It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears.

I insofar agree that formal education plays an important role in inheriting and enhancing the elites and abandoning the fears in culture, to the extent that qualified instructors are well aware of the importance of culture education, and the surroundings are favoring new culture. However, the traditional knowledge accumulated through schooling is far enough for the desire of innovations as culture changes over time due to the human creativity. Thus, focusing on diverse needs of culture studies; non-formal education as well as other methods are also indispensable in refining and improving culture, such as culture communication and scientific development.

With formal education, the elites of culture are possible to inherit and enhance to some degree. In every society, formal education targets the pursuit of accumulative knowledge and the mainstream values, beliefs, morals and habits mostly advocated by the populace. For example, through the studies of history, students probably better understand the independence of the United States of America, thus they may take freedom more valuable, consequently, and this belief can be more influential in their life. The worldview and value judgment formed through school education is of great importance to most people. However, if the instructors are prejudiced and the whole history is misrepresented by the government, the result of education will be the opposite. Actually, when students are taught what is right and wrong, they are imbued with the values of the society.

On the other hand, too much concentration on the major, formal education lacks the awareness of non-mainstream culture, whereas the effects of which can't be neglected. All but no school teaches the less-known language which is a crucial record of the culture of the past society. Scarcely will teachers discuss the Indian literature with students in class. As a result, these cultures are almost faced with the challenge of permanent existence, let alone improvement. Accordingly, specific non-formal education aiming at drawing and pursuing special skills and philosophies can be a supplement. Compared with formal education, non-formal education is more flexible and can satisfy various needs of groups in educating culture.

Nevertheless, to perpetuate one culture, the most significant way is to strengthen the prevalent of the culture and bring any innovation ideas to fresh it. This is what formal education can't accomplish alone. Lacking of communication with other cultures, isolated culture can rarely exist long and forever. Isolating leads to inflating and dying, while communication brings improving and developing. In contemporary society, there are numerous methods of culture prevalence, such as commercial activities, world expositions international cultural conferences and so forth. One culture is consuming and utilizing elites of another when exporting its own. This interplay not only makes one culture available to more people, but also discovers the flaws of its own. All of these can make one culture vivid and fresh, at the same time, it enables the co-existence of different cultures. Furthermore, non-stop progress of science and technology brings new ideas and innovations to the current culture, like the web culture created by information technology, which flourishes the modern culture.


To sum up, the author overstates the function of formal education in maintenance of culture. The non-formal education, culture transmission and scientific technology are as well important to perpetuate and fresh cultures.

第一次作业，请大家狠狠拍呀。。。

taotaoleUID: 2694983

Issue 104
It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears.
批改者：taotaole
批注说明：字典释义
I insofar agree that formal education plays an important role in inheriting and enhancing(此二词修饰后面的词不搭配) the elites(n [CGp] (often derog 常作贬义) social group considered to be the best or most important because of their power, talent, wealth, etc （由於有权力﹑
才能﹑
财富等）被视为最好的或最重要的社会集团; 精英; 尖子) and abandoning the fears
（此处fears应该是与之前的elite对应，共同形成对引文概念的复述；但请注意：elite指的是一类人，而fear是抽象的情感或事物，对照的好像imbalance了，建议选词的时候注意！）in culture(题目中的是a culture,那么如果不用冠词的话则说明是对所有文化的概指了，有歧义~), to the extent
that（to such an extent that/to the extent that=so much that)/l朗文当代词典这里是表达这个意思吗？看起来像是“只要”的意思~）
qualified instructors are well aware of the importance of culture education, and the surroundings are favoring new（？how come?） culture. However, the traditional knowledge accumulated through schooling is far enough for the desire of innovations as culture changes over time due to the human creativity. Thus, focusing on diverse needs of culture studies; (关注标点，分号是对两句话的暂停，可是这里一句话，仅为短语，直接用逗号就好。而且用现在分词的短语前提是从句主语和主句主语一致，而此处主句主语为non-formal education,其并不是focus on的主语，所以句子需要修改并指明内容上的联系。如：in order to focus on …, we should know that non-formal education is also….
)non-formal education as well as other methods are(无谓一致，as well as不影响
谓语动词，还是跟着主干的) also indispensable in refining and improving culture, such as culture communication and scientific development（是对other methods的补充吗？最好和原指不要离太远。）.
整个开头段最主要的问题就是没有清楚地thesis statement表达出来。此外感觉有些句子的组织有点Chinglish. 我能明白，不知道native speaker是否OK。
With formal education, the elites of culture are possible to inherit and enhance to some degree. In every society, formal education targets the pursuit of accumulative knowledge and the mainstream values, beliefs, morals and habits mostly advocated by the populace. For example, through the studies of history, （是否改成after studying American’s history,会准确些？）students probably better understand the independence of the United States of America, thus they may take( the idea of) freedom more valuable, consequently,(?用于此处的目的是？感觉wordy了) and this belief can be more influential in their life(-lives). The worldview and value judgment formed through（改成by好些） school education is （are-世界观和价值观，是复数了）of great importance to most people. However, if the instructors are prejudiced and the whole history is misrepresented by the government(对象出现的有些突兀，因为之前讲的都是大众主流), the result of education will be the opposite. Actually, when students are taught what is right and wrong, they are imbued with the values of the society.最后一句的用意不太能理解……是说当学生被授之什么是对错时，学生是受社会价值的感染的？
总体而言，这段段首的TS明确，有举例，但论证结尾有些草率，不够persuasive.

On the other hand, too much concentration on the major, formal education lacks the awareness of non-mainstream culture, whereas the effects of which can't be neglected.(意思明白了，但句子结构问题很大……1major and formal英文中并列就需要连接词，除了多个的是在最后两个上连接;或者直接是做多个定语不要连接和标点/ 2句意想表达的是对主要的正规教育过分关注，但正规教育缺失对非主流文化的意识，而非主流文化的作用又不容忽视吗? 建议改成：too much concentration on the major formal education causes the lack of awareness on non-mainstream culture, whose effect, however, cannot be neglected. ) All but no (此处用得很不流畅而且绝对，建议换直接的表达) school teaches the less-known language which is a crucial record of the culture of the past society？过去的社会？应该是时期吧~. Scarcely will teachers discuss the Indian literature with students in class. As a result, these cultures are almost faced with the challenge of permanent (existence意为存在，应该是灭亡extinction?), let alone improvement. Accordingly, specific non-formal education aiming at drawing and pursuing special skills and philosophies can be a supplement. Compared with formal education, non-formal education is more flexible and can satisfy various needs of groups in educating culture. 这一部分观点比较有建设性，但是表达的不够流畅，论证的严密性有点欠缺。但也不乏部分句子用到倒装等亮点
Nevertheless, to perpetuate one culture, the most significant way is to strengthen the prevalent of the culture and bring any innovation ideas to fresh it. This is what formal education can't accomplish alone. Lacking of communication with other cultures, an isolated culture can rarely exist long and forever. Isolating leads to inflating and dying, while communication brings improving and developing. In contemporary society, there are numerous methods of culture prevalence (?to make a culture popular?) , such as commercial activities, world expositions international cultural conferences and so forth. One culture is consuming and utilizing elites of another when exporting its own. This interplay not only makes one culture available to more people, but also discovers the flaws of its own. All of these can make one culture vivid and fresh, at the same time, it enables the co-existence of different cultures. Furthermore, non-stop progress of science and technology brings new ideas and innovations to the current culture, like the web culture created by information technology, which flourishes the modern culture.这一段是为了说明什么？好像和Ts不是很相关啊~
此段提出了明确的观点，而且很流畅的进行了清晰地论证。唯一的问题在于，它对话题的剖析好像不是很紧扣，提到了使文化永久，但在使对一个文化害怕的观点失信于人没有提及，虽然从后半部分的论证来看却有此意。

To sum up, the author overstates the function of formal education in maintenance of culture. The non-formal education, culture transmission and scientific technology are as well important to perpetuate and fresh cultures.结尾简洁明了，重申观点。
总体看来，文章的一部分存在较严重的语言表达问题，段落中论证的严密性，一贯性不强。文章观点不乏对话题的合理辩驳与思考，但没有完全表达清楚。

九天揽月UID: 2737667

谢谢taotaole了，感觉问题真是多多，一定认真改~~~

九天揽月UID: 2737667

Issue 104
It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears.
大体是通过正规教育一种文化得以延续它赞同的思想主张而消除它恐惧的思想。

     The existence of any culture depends on the ideas it embraces. The inheriting essence of a culture determines what it favors and what it fears. As a significant composition of the society, formal education contributes a lot to consolidate a culture; however, it is through the cooperative interaction between formal education with alternative approaches that culture can be refined and perpetuated.

     With formal education, the former and current achievements of culture are possible to inherit and enhance to some degree. In every society, formal education targets the pursuit of accumulative knowledge and the mainstream values, beliefs, morals and habits mostly advocated by the populace. For example, after studying American history, one probably better comes to understand the process of independence in the United States of America, thus they may take the ideas of freedom and democracy within the culture more valuable and this belief can be more influential in their lives. Meanwhile, they will probably doubt the convictions of autocracy and slavery that threatens their faith. In this way, school education finishes its task to help the worldview and value judgment formed. Nevertheless, it is somewhat subjective to identify the mainstream culture, as one may be affected by other social factors, such as the environment in which we live, the political system and the social groups we belong to. For that reason, only by accounting formal education, we can hardly expect a prosperous future of a culture.

     On the other hand, too much concentration on the major formal education may lead to the lack of awareness on non-mainstream culture, whose values, however, cannot be neglected. Whether a culture is valuable doesn’t rely on it is mainstream or not but what kind of effect it brings to the society. To protect the diversity of cultures, formal education is not effective enough. Schools seldom teach the less-known language which is a crucial record of the culture of the past era. Scarcely will teachers discuss the Indian literature with students in class. Yet as a challenge to the tradition, Hippie isn’t tolerated by the mainstream culture. As a result, these cultures are almost faced with the destiny of extinction or assimilation, let alone improvement. Accordingly, specific non-formal education aiming at drawing and pursuing special skills and philosophies can be a supplement. Compared with formal education, non-formal education is more flexible and can satisfy various needs of groups in educating culture.


     Nevertheless, to perpetuate one culture, the most significant way is to strengthen the prevalent of the culture and bring any innovation ideas to fresh it. This is what formal education can't accomplish alone. Lacking of communication with other cultures, an isolated culture can rarely exist long and forever. Isolating leads to inflating and dying, while communication brings improving and developing. In contemporary society, there are numerous methods to transmit the ideas of a culture, such as commercial activities, world expositions international cultural conferences and so forth. One culture is consuming and utilizing elites of another when exporting its own. This interplay not only makes one culture available to more people, but also challenges the ideas it fears, by assimilating or invading. Consequently, all of these can make one culture vivid and fresh, at the same time, it may gradually become a mainstream in a broader area, enhancing the influence of its own.
      
     To sum up, the author overstates the function of formal education in maintenance of a culture. The non-formal education and culture transmission is as well important to perpetuate and fresh a culture.

    终于改了一遍……

mintshUID: 2460474

~嘿嘿~我也改好了

九天揽月UID: 2737667

谢谢mintsh了，感觉你说的很好哦……