【clover】Argument147 习作by Misir

misirUID：2684938

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 359
TIME:
DATE: 2010-1-31

      This editorial predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video game will increase dramatically in the next few months. To support this conclusion, the editorial points out that the company had introduced several games with an ad directed at people 10~25 years old. However, the editorial relies on a number of doubtful assumptions and is therefore unconvincing.

      Firstly, the editorial has not convinced me that the survey of video-game players. Video-game players are not limited between 10~25 years old; maybe people of all ages enjoy video game very much. Even though people 10~25 years old are the age-group most likely to play video game; they may not prefer the games provide lifelike graphics. Even though they really like this kind of games, the age group are at the schooling age, thus they may not have enough money to afford these games or update their poor computers.

      Secondly, the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, which means maybe the computer game market had declined; maybe people have other ways relaxing themselves, for instance, surfing on the internet. So, people may not as interested in video game as two years before. It is possible that video game is out of fashion, that is to say, it is not popular among people, and instead, computer game or iPod game may take the place of it.

      Thirdly, the company said that it introduced the video games with an extensive advertising. Both introduction and advertisement cost a lot of money, so the price of the video game won’t be low, which is a disadvantage of the sales, declining over two years. Maybe the game itself is attractive, but people will be stopped by the price beyond their imagination. Without further information about the video game and the survey, I cannot accept the editorial conclusion.

      In sum, the editorial relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To persuade me that the sales of the video game will increase, the editorial must supply clear evidence that people are still fond of video game and they are willingly to buy the video game if it is expensive.

家家☆yoonjaeUID：2646910

是在标题内修改，不是帖子内修改，已改，下次注意就好了

misirUID：2684938

got it~ 2# 家家☆yoonjae

a08805436UID：2725634

修改完毕~~学到很多东西

misirUID：2684938

自己改的继续发。。。
见附件。。。

黑竹UID：2753377

修改后的

amendaliuUID：2855983

我又改了一下
可是积分不够 我就贴上来了 呵呵
绿的是我又改的
This editorial predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video game will increase dramatically in the next few months. To support this conclusion, the editorial points out that the company had introduced several games with an ad directed at people 10 to 25 years old. However, the editorial relies on a number of doubtful assumptions and is therefore unconvincing.
Firstly, the editorial has not convinced me that the survey of video-game players.[改成：first, the author provides no assurances that the survey on which the argument depends is reliable. ] Video-game players are not limited between 10 to 25 years old; maybe people of all ages enjoy video games very much.[Not limited to young man between 10 to 25 years old , the video games players cover people from all age group] Even though[改成if] people 10 to 25 years old are the age-group[改成：key demographic group] most likely to play video games; they may not prefer the games providing lifelike graphics. Assuming that they really like this kind of game, the age[改成：demographic] group are at the schooling age, thus they may not have enough money to afford these games or
（加个to，afford to do）update their poor computers.
Secondly, the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, which means maybe the computer game market had declined[ z这个好像有点片面哦 还有何多其他可能性 比如自己产品不好啊 运营不当啊 建议多加几个可能性]（改成the fact that the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, may due to the recession of the computer game market）; maybe people have other ways （加个of，短语ways of doing something）relaxing themselves, for instance, surfing on the internet[还是建议多加例子 看起来饱满] which might bring about that are not as interested in video game as two years before（ago）. It is also possible that video game is out of fashion, while the computer games or iPod games have taken the place of（不确定是否正确，还可以用substitute） it.
Thirdly, the company said that it introduced the video games with an extensive advertising（advertisement）. Both introduction and advertisement cost a lot of money, so the price of the video game won’t be low, which is a disadvantage of the sales, declining over two years. Maybe the game itself is attractive, but people will be stopped by the price beyond their imagination（感觉有点怪，我也不知道表达）[ 我觉得这个逻辑很好啊]. Without further information about the video games and the survey, I cannot accept the editorial conclusion.[since the author has not dearly identified the cause of the decline, I cannot be convinced that Whirlwind’s new strategy will reverse that decline at all, let alone dramatically.]
In sum, the editorial relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To persuade me that the sales of the video game will increase, the editorial must supply （provide可能更好）clear evidence that people are still fond of video game and they are willingly to buy the video game if it is expensive.

我小改了一下 呵呵 水平不高 加油