请帮忙看看我的作文 #173#

edmundzhuUID：2758464

作文一直觉得是我的弱项，就是想不明白为什么写出好的作文对我来说那么难，哎！！！
求版内达人帮我看看这篇作文小练习，谢谢！！我还有时间，会慢慢改，慢慢练的！
Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement?
Borrowing money from friends or lending money forfriends is bad for the friendship.
 
 
 
Money is the most disputable thing on the earth.No one could live without it, while too much dependence on the money only leadsto the burden of live. Recently this issue concerning borrowing money from orlending money to friends has been brought into focus. Some people support thisclaim that it indeed enhances the friendship; however other people, on theother hand, advocate that money is the real enemy against friendship. As forme, I strongly prefer the latter. Among the countless reasons and factors thatcan strengthen my viewpoints, I will present the most conspicuous ones asfollows.
 
Firstly, the friendship will be challenged ifsomeone can not afford to return the money. It is easier to borrow money from afriend than to pay it back. On no account can we deny the fact that lives arebecoming more and more difficult in that we have to work long hours for little paydue to the competition. It is during the difficult time that we have to borrowmoney from others. So it is very likely we have not overcome the difficultieswhen the money is due. Then, money becomes the cause of the end of thefriendship.
Although we don't want tolose our friends, I just saw too much friendship were broken thanks to the money.Thus the most striking conclusion is obvious that it really bad to borrow moneyfrom friends.
 
Secondly, behind my views lies an equally importantfactor that when friends come to borrow money it is too hard to reject. Thereis an perfect example that could substantiate this point. One of my father'sfriend once came to my home and wanted to borrow 10,000 dollars from my fatherbecause his company badly needed this money to recover. However, it is really abig challenges for my father because at that moment we did not have such bigamount of money, while my father also didn't want to let the friendship damageddue to this issue. This problem, which bothered him for a long time, leaded myfather to serious physical ailments.
Inthe end, my father failed to lend the money and felt very depressed. It allcomes from his friend's borrowing. Suppose what if we all do not borrow fromour friends but through other channel such as bank? So borrowing money willundeniably increase the burden for friends.
 
From what have been discussed above, we cansafely reach to the conclusion that borrowing money from friends or lendingmoney for friends is bad for the relationship. we should keep in mind that friendshipis built on the basis of trust rather than money.
 

mpromanusUID：2565872

Money is the most disputable thing on the Earth.(This is too vague yet too absolute to look like an intelligent statement. There are many other things that are equally disputable - fame, for example. It's always safer to leave some room by saying 'money is probably/arguably the most disputable thing..'.) No one could live without it (Except those aboriginal people who still live on exchanges of goods - Australia still has some of these very primitive tribes. There goes again my point that it's dangerous to be so absolute. You must understand that your understanding of this world has its limitations, especially when it comes to human matters.), while too much dependence on the money only leads to the burden of live?. Recently this issue concerning borrowing money from or lending money to friends has been brought into focus. Some people support this claim that it indeed enhances the friendship; however other people, on the other hand, advocate that money is the real enemy against friendship. As for me, I strongly prefer the latter. Among the countless reasons and factors that can strengthen my viewpoints, I will present the most conspicuous ones as follows.

Firstly, the friendship will be challenged if someone cannot afford to return the money (If you use 'the', you need to be specific about what exactly is this money about.). It is easier to borrow money from a friend than to pay it back. On no account can we deny the fact that lives are becoming more and more difficult, in that we have to work long hours for little pay due to the competition (What competition? Again, if you use 'the', your noun needs to be specific). It is during the a difficult time that we have to borrow money from others. So it is very likely we have not overcome the difficulties when the money is due.(I don't get the reasoning. If you're borrowing from friends, I'd expect them to be generous and don't levy a very strict due time on you, yes?) Then, money becomes the cause of the end of the friendship (That's kind of harsh too. One no-payment and that's it? You keep failing at establishing sound logic because you never establish a pursuasive chain of thoughts for your reasoning - like 'if you don't pay back when the money is due, a friend will feel especially hurt because a friend is likely to place more trust on you, and he'll likely break up with you because you hurt his feelings and owe him money.' Something that's more common sense out of which your readers are able to see how the results you try to describe come about. It's not sufficient to just throw actions and consequences together as if things are meant to happen like that. Think about why things happen.). Although we don't want to lose our friends, I just saw too much many friendships were broken thanks to (This is to describe reasons that are positive, or to a cynical effect. I doubt you'd actually want to 'thank'  money if it's breaking a friendship.) the money. Thus the most striking conclusion is obvious that it is really bad to borrow money from friends.

Secondly, behind my views lies an equally important factor that when friends come to borrow money it is too hard to reject. There is an perfect example that could substantiate this point. One of my father's friends once came to my home and wanted to borrow 10,000 dollars from my father because his company badly needed this money to recover. However, it is really a big challenges for my father because at that moment we did not have such big a large mount of money, while my father also didn't want to let damage the friendship damaged due to this issue. This problem, which bothered him for a long time, leaded my father to serious physical ailments. In the end, my father failed to lend the money and felt very depressed. It all comes from his friend's borrowing. Suppose what if we all do not borrow from our friends but through other channels such as banks? So borrowing money will undeniably increase the burden for friends.(Your father suffered because of his inability to lend this money - but the question is not about whether such financial involvements are bad for you. It's asking whether they're bad for the relationship. So, did you answer that question?)

From what have been discussed above, we can safely reach to the conclusion that borrowing money from friends or lending money for friends is bad for the relationship. We should keep in mind that friendshipis are built on the basis of trust rather than money (This is not relevant to the question at all. The question is not asking about what friendships are really about. A conclusion paragraph is not expected to raise new topics, and to that end I advise people against 升华..Just summarize your main arguments here instead.).

总结：

语法/词汇总体上还可以，请注意单复数。。另外小心的地方就是在很漂亮的模板文中一旦出现很低级的语法错误，是一件很危险的事情。。=.=

逻辑方面的话基本上是把题目不知不觉中放大了，从xxx is bad for the friendship变成了xxx is bad。。要随时检查自己是不是紧跟题目的意思。另外就是论证的时候光从一个现象直接推出一个结果有时是不够的，像第二段那种，一没还钱就断交，很夸张，但只是个表象，事情不是这样简单就发生的。。如果碰到不太好说的论证，要多想想内在的关联，找出更有说服力的要点来。。

edmundzhuUID：2758464

多谢mpromanus的指导啊，久闻您的大名，今天终于非常荣幸的得到了教诲。

文章的确很差，特别是在逻辑方面。另外对名词的单复数，前面的定冠词一直没搞明白，什么时候加the什么时候用复数，小时候基础没打好，现在在慢慢研究，貌似现在有点明白原来是好像有一类叫抽象名词的在困扰我。我在研究研究看看，争取早日搞明白。如果mpromanus有什么这方面的材料的话请一定要推荐推荐啊！

以后会多努力的！谢谢赐教，祝寄托家园越来越好哈！
2# mpromanus

mpromanusUID：2565872

4# edmundzhu

言重。。教诲说不上，有帮助就好~

其实我觉得你的文章就逻辑来说问题并不是特别大。。把题目不知不觉放大这个习惯很多人都有，放大了可以说的东西多了就好写了嘛，所以这个就是平时列提纲的时候注意一下就好了。然后论证方面就是跳得比较大，从现象一把跳到结论，这个很多人也有，心急嘛，赶快说完了这一段算。。=.= 这个就是想事情的时候要抓住题目中特别的关键字，比如你这个例子，不按时还钱就断交，这种事情只要是有金钱往来的人都可以发生，生意伙伴啊什么的都可以，所以你就得想想朋友之间的这种行为有什么特别，因为是朋友，是不是就有特别的因素在里面，就是说例子可以放之四海皆准，但你的论证要根据题目和论点量身打造，反驳空间就比较小。

名词上主要的点是泛指名词，比如A cat is a furry animal. = Cats are furry animals. 这两种说法都可以，都是广义上的作为一个整体概念的‘猫’。或者不可数名词只有单数，比如Milk is good for children. 这个也是广义上的‘牛奶’和‘小孩’。泛指不加定冠词。加定冠词就是特指，特指的意思就是带5W1H类的限定，仅此一家别无分店，比如The cat we saw yesterday [who, what, when] is a tabby. 这里的‘猫’指的是一只特定的猫，就是‘我们昨天看见’的那一只，不是我们前天看见的那一只，也不是你家里我们没看见的那一只。所谓抽象名词基本上只是说一些名词并不是一个会实际存在的特定物体，在议论文的使用上一般都是直接作一个概念来用，那么就得用泛指 - 比如capitalism，它不分我看见的那只还是你看见的那只，本身就是一个概念而已，除非你说the capitalism in the United States 美国的资本主义，不是英国的，不是法国的，这就是特指了，所以加定冠词。

以上。其实很容易。论述概念的时候一般都不会加the，抽象嘛。举特例描述的时候就要视需要开始加the了，因为是一件独特的事情嘛。加不加的问题是看说我要表达的这个名词的概念，是一个明确的、单独的个体概念，还是一个整体的概念？个体的意思就是指定这一个，加定冠词的目的是要表达一种 不能与其它同类名词的个体混淆 的意思，所以如果你没有这个避免混淆的需要，就不必加。