ARGUMENT6 静候家家斑竹拍之

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小弟的处男作烂文，静候家家斑竹大驾光临狠狠拍之~~不胜感激~~

6.The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our

proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended

Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz

Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on

jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

In this argument, the author concludes that the jazz music club C Note will definitely earn money if it is located in Monroe. To support this conclusion the writer points out that the surroundings of jazz is great in that area and a typical jazz fan spends a lot on jazz amusement. Well-represented and seemingly logical though at first glance, the argument can hardly stand up to any scrutiny for its several apparent flaws. The main flaws of the argument would be discussed respectively.

First and foremost, the assumption about a good jazz circumstance is unreliable according to the given evidence. 100 thousand people attending the jazz festival last summer cited is not necessarily due to local people’s fervor to jazz. It is entirely possible that they are all outlanders. Or, the local people attended the festival to enjoy some amusement facilities instead of jazz music. Since the article fails to account for these alternative explanations, the author cannot make any sound recommendations to jazz enterprise based on such information.

A second problem with the argument involves the nationwide study showing that the typical jazz fan spends a lot on jazz entertainment per year does not certainly apply to Monroe. It is quiet likely that the jazz fan of Monroe spent only a little to get the jazz entertainment per year. And it is reasonable to assume that the local jazz fan just sang some jazz songs, listened to the radio and surfed on the internet to satisfy their desire to jazz. Thus, the writer fails to convince me again that the C Note will have the ability to be profitable.

Finally, even if local fans were in greatly favor of jazz and the nationwide jazz fan trend applied to Monroe, there is no reliable evidence cited by author can show me the direct correlation between crazy jazz fans and making money and prove the former causes the latter. A profitable firm needs not only the favorable market environment but also the capable management, skillful clerks, suitable policy and so forth. The author obviously cites nothing about the management, clerk or policy of C Note. Besides, powerful competitor would absolutely affect the turnover of a enterprise in some aspects. In this article, though the writer cites that the nearest jazz club is very far away from here in faith, it is entirely possible that other local jazz clubs will start up soon. Since the author fails to account for this alternative explanation, he cannot make a firm conclusion that the C Note will be profitable relied on the evidence he cited.

In sum, the recommendation of the author is not well supported. He fails to convince me that C Note would be profitable.

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

6.The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

In this argument, the author concludes that the jazz music club C Note will definitely earn money if it is located in Monroe. To support this conclusion, the writer points out that the surroundings of jazz is great in that area and a typical jazz fan spends a lot on jazz amusement.（第一句交代得比较准确，到第二句的时候就做得有点小欠缺了，事实上这一句是你用来陈述原作者的逻辑链或者说大致推理过程的部分，这里我们要注意一点，要求是两个词，清晰、简练，既要把事实交代清楚，又要实现必要的概括，要避免简单重复原文，而要做到简述，同时还要尽可能完整信息。要做到这一步，首先要把原文的逻辑链整理清楚，就这篇Topic来说，还是非常典型的，我们可以看一下它的逻辑链：作者认为C Note注定赚钱是基于三个理由，1.没有同类竞争者，2.jazz乐在该地区很流行（用了3个事实作为论据），3.一个有关爵士乐爱好者开支的全国调查结果。关于第一、第二个理由你用了the surroundings of jazz is great in that area来概括，问题在于第一个理由是针对jazz club而第二个理由则是jazz本身，这里最好是分开阐述避免概念混淆，第三个理由，个人认为应该突出a nationwide study更为妥当）Well-represented and seemingly logical though at first glance, the argument can hardly stand up to any scrutiny for its several apparent flaws. The main flaws of the argument would be discussed respectively. 【总体来说，开头的写作思路还是很清晰的，注意细节并且在语言及用词上更严谨一些，做到完整精练，会更好】

First and foremost, the assumption about a good jazz circumstance in Monroe is unreliable (not that reliable会更恰当一些) according to the given evidence. 100 thousand people attending the jazz festival last summer cited is not necessarily due to local people’s fervor to jazz. It is entirely possible that they are all outlanders. (这里显然差了半句，不要想当然尔认为说明那100 thousand people可能是outlanders就可以了，然后呢？可能是outlanders这跟我们的topic有什么关系？说明清楚你的理由之后，一定要记住要点题，这样论证才能圆起来，才是完整的。) Or, the local people attended the festival to enjoy some amusement facilitiesin that festival instead of jazz music. Since the article fails to account for these alternative explanations, the author cannot make any sound recommendations to jazz enterprise based on such information.

A second problem with the argument involves the nationwide study showing that the typical jazz fan spends a lot on jazz entertainment per year does not certainly apply to Monroe. It is quiet (应该是quite吧) likely that the jazz fan of Monroe spent only a little to get the jazz entertainment per year. And it is reasonable to assume that the local jazz fan just sang some jazz songs, listened to the radio and surfed on the internet to satisfy their desire to jazz. Thus, the writer fails to convince me (在argument中尽量避免使用me/I/us/we等诸如此类容易让人产生主观印象的词。) again that the C Note will have the ability to be profitable.（这一段的内容做得不够完善，由最后一句来推断，你试图用之前的论述来说明C Note是否能够实现profitable，但是前文你仅仅论述了consumption的问题，即使是jazz fan使用足够的money在jazz的相关开支上，也不能保证C Note一定是profitable的，正如你在接下来的论述一样；如果说这一段仅仅是要说明那个nationwide study不能保证Monroe地区的实际情况，为下一段的让步做铺垫的话，就务必要保证段落内容前后一致）

Finally, even if local fans were in greatly favor of jazz and the nationwide jazz fan trend applied to Monroe, there is no reliable evidence cited by author can show me the direct correlation between crazy jazz fans and making money and (用as well as来代替后面一个and会更好一些，同义替换是写作文中一个拿分的亮点。或者可以用逗号隔开，接着“更不用说证明前者导致后者”) prove the former causes the latter. A profitable firm needs not only the favorable market environment but also the capable management, skillful clerks, suitable policy and so forth, unfortunately, (两个句子之间意思是衔接的，可以不要断开，紧跟着说明这个由一般到特殊的推理过程) the author obviously cites nothing about the management, clerk or policy of C Note. Besides, powerful competitor would absolutely affect the turnover of an enterprise in some aspects. （这里也是差半句，没有跟原文逻辑联系起来，有力的竞争者将在多方面影响对手，那么原文中只提及了什么竞争因素？显然local只是一部分要素，一定要记住把你的论证跟原文联系起来，不要自说自话，rater是不会对你的句子做任何推断的。）In this article, though the writer cites that the nearest jazz club is very far away from here in faith, it is entirely possible that other local jazz clubs will start up soon. Since the author fails to account for this alternative explanation, he cannot make a firm conclusion that the C Note will be profitable relied on the evidence he cited.

In sum, the recommendation of the author is not well supported. He fails to convince me that C Note would be profitable.【个人习惯，结尾不改】


红色为有问题的部分，绿色批注为个人建议，蓝色为整体段落评价，紫色为不错用词，橘色为个人添加。