ISSUE147 传统艺术水火不容

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

TOPIC: ISSUE147 - "Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them."
WORDS: 589
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-1-31 9:56:22
提纲：
开头：小部分不能融合，但是大部分情况还是可以相容的
主一：日常生活中，可以融合，例：医疗
主二：教育中可以融合。例：teacher-centered & student-centered
主三：文化不能融合，现代文化冲击着传统文化
      但我们其实也可以做到博古通今，古为今用
结尾：不仅能融合，如果融合的好，可以使我们的生活乃至社会进步
Tradition and modernization reflect almost wholly respects of our daily life and our whole society, such as education, politics, culture, science and even health care. Therefore, we cannot simply conclude that they cannot compatible and we must choose between them in the whole conditions, because even though in some situations, tradition and modernization truly confront and cannot merge at all. However, in other vast areas, they actually could connect or even merge with each other.

To begin with, the perfect combination of tradition and modernization lie in our daily life, such as our furniture, cloths and art work. The structure, purpose and figure of things in our daily life are all process with people's desire and in order to meet our needs. Thus, they exactly could merge the traditional use and the modern use, and most importantly, make this combination compatible. For example, the fashion trend of last contemporary time, no matter in craft, cloths or art work can exactly demonstrate my contention. Moreover, the medical treatment can also substantiate my standpoint. Nowadays, with the development of our medical technology, most of diseases could be overcame by the modern medical treatment, but the traditional medical treatment, especially traditional Chinese medicine still use and frequently merge with modern treatment in order to make patient heal quickly. In short, in many respect of our daily life, tradition and modernization are not only could compatible, but also can perfect compatible which could improve and better our life and society as a whole.

On the other perspective, such as education, the combination of tradition and modernization are also compatible. In traditional teacher-centered education, students cannot learn what they prefer to learn, but be obliged to study what the school and teacher desire to teach them. For that reason, a plethora of students lose the interest of study and dropout from school, our society under a grave situation that aspire but lack of experts. When the modern teacher-centered education appeared, which undue emphasize the students personal interests but ignore the basic principles of study, it is also problematic. Fortunately, our current educational system splendidly merges the two traditional education and modern education. Thus, our students really accept the highest quality of education all over the world.

However, in other restrictive conditions, tradition and modernization are indeed incompatible, such as culture. We face a serious problem that our instant and popular culture is overemphasized and overweight than traditional culture, such as music, paint and literature. Nowadays, more and more people, especially children--our hope in the future, prefer to listen to pop music and read popular novel rather than listening classic music and reading classic literature. The educational experts predict that if students still ignore the traditional culture and be impacted largely by modern culture, our rich and valued traditional culture may disappear someday. In this respect, traditional culture and modern culture seems incompatible. However, if we could congenially merge the two types of culture in order to achieve erudite and past serving the present, thus, it cannot deny that the two cultures cannot coexist and indeed, this phenomenon will strongly better our mental and ethical spirit and even improve our society as a whole.

In conclusion, I agree with the speaker’s contention insofar as in some particular conditions, tradition and modernization seems incompatible. However, in other numberless of areas, they can merge well and this combination could better our life and society. Moreover, if we could find an avenue to combine tradition and modernization which cannot combine plausibly, our life and even society would improve a giant step.

银落UID: 2632560

TOPIC: ISSUE147 - "Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them."
WORDS: 589
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-1-31 9:56:22
提纲：
开头：小部分不能融合，但是大部分情况还是可以相容的
主一：日常生活中，可以融合，例：医疗
主二：教育中可以融合。例：teacher-centered & student-centered
主三：文化不能融合，现代文化冲击着传统文化
      但我们其实也可以做到博古通今，古为今用
结尾：不仅能融合，如果融合的好，可以使我们的生活乃至社会进步
Tradition and modernization reflect almost wholly(用all就可以了，下面用了whole了哦。) respects of our daily life and our whole society, such as education, politics, culture, science and even health care. Therefore, we cannot simply conclude that they cannot compatible and we must choose between them in the whole conditions, because even though in some situations, tradition and modernization truly confront and cannot merge at all. (therefore和because前后两句要表达的意思不是一个吗？这样显得很繁琐，而且，同一个意思竟然放在第一段里面，不会很雷人吗？)However, in other vast areas, they actually could connect or even merge with each other.

看了第一段，我觉得你是分realm来讨论的。总体一般，ts重复。还有待改进哦><

To begin with, the perfect combination of tradition and modernization lie in our daily life, such as our furniture, cloths and art work. The structure, purpose and figure(轮廓的话，用profile比较好吧) of things in our daily life are all process with people's desire and in order to meet our needs. （我似乎不是很懂你这句话，是想说，外在形态和用途是随着人们的需要而改变的吗？）Thus, they exactly could merge the traditional use and the modern use, and most importantly, make this combination compatible. For example, the fashion trend of last contemporary time, no matter in craft, cloths or art works can exactly demonstrate my contention.(只是罗列观点和例子就好了？当然不行，怎么说都要把他们之间的论证给加上去吧。不然，就像说，楼倒了，地震了。但是你应该说，是地震引起楼倒了。要把为什么说清楚，这样才算论证。) Moreover, the medical treatment can also substantiate my standpoint（= =+和前面一个错误）. Nowadays, with the development of our medical technology, most of diseases could be overcame by the modern medical treatment, but the traditional medical treatment, especially traditional Chinese medicine still use and frequently merge with modern treatment in order to make patient heal quickly. （这里就有点联系例子和观点的意思了。开始点明了）In short, in many respect of our daily life, tradition and modernization are not only could compatible, but also can perfect compatible which could improve and better our life and society as a whole.

这一段，没有说明白。就是你的ts是日常生活中处处是两者的结合。然后说因为目的和需求在变化。然后举了例子。但是你没有点明白为什么目的和需求在变化，两者就会结合了？他们是怎么结合的？体现在了哪些方面呢？深层次的依然没有说清楚。

On the other perspective, such as education, the combination of tradition and modernization are also compatible. In traditional teacher-centered education, students cannot learn what they prefer to learn, but （加个they）比较好吧，不然省略的话会不会不太正式？be obliged to study what the school and teacher desire to teach them. For that reason, a plethora of（多余的？a host of） students lose the interest of study and dropout from school, our society under a grave situation that aspire but lack of experts（aspire在这里什么意思？）. When the modern teacher-centered（teacher-oriented）
education appeared, which unduely emphasize the students personal interests but ignore（ignoring） the basic principles of study, it is also problematic. Fortunately, our current educational system splendidly merges the two traditional education and modern education. Thus, our students really accept the highest quality of education all over the world.
这段纯粹理论，没有例证。文章显得有点空。其次，我不是特别清楚你的表达。Teacher-centered到底是是什么教育？不是和traditional edu一样的嘛，如果我单单从字面意义上来解释的话。其次，current edu就结合了两者？你哪里看出来了？而且，哪里能说明结合了两者就比单一的要好？
However, in other restrictive（不懂这个词放在里的意思） conditions, tradition and modernization are indeed incompatible, such as culture. TSWe face a serious problem that our instant and popular culture is overemphasized and overweight than traditional culture, such as music, paint and literature. 现象Nowadays, more and more people, especially children--our hope in the future, prefer to listen to pop music and read popular novel rather than listening classic music and reading classic literature. 例子The educational experts略欠说服力 predict that if students still ignore the traditional culture and be impacted largely by modern culture, our rich and valued traditional culture may disappear someday.结果 In this respect, traditional culture and modern culture seems incompatible. 结果推出的结论However, if we could congenially merge（融合不一定只能用merge的嘛，比如combine，join，mix，collaborate，compound，mingle，commingle） the two types of culture in order to achieve erudite（不懂） and past serving the present, thus, it cannot deny that the two cultures cannot coexist and indeed, this phenomenon will strongly better our mental and ethical spirit and even improve our society as a whole.（这算是升华吗？但是，好突兀啊。没有任何铺垫，一个结论紧接另一个结论）

这一段。每句句子的作用我都写了。TS，然后现象，然后例子，然后结果，然后结论，然后升华的结论。= =+。感觉没有任何说理铺垫的成分啊。怎么把这些点连起来？漏了这个，文章会很生涩的。》《。。。另外，升华的话，也需要铺垫才能升华的。不然，把观点强加给读者，会生硬。

In conclusion, I agree with the speaker’s contention insofar as in some particular conditions, tradition and modernization seems incompatible. However, in other numberless of areas, they can merge well and this combination could better our life and society. Moreover, if we could find an avenue to combine tradition and modernization which cannot combine plausibly, our life and even society would improve a giant step.
结尾段不看。和家家一样的习惯。

总结：各个分段的问题我已经提出来了。我感觉比上次的文章好了很多。但是你自己分析分析题目。题目里面的关键词说的是must吧。但是你只是分领域讨论。而忽略了最关键的must一次。其次，对于语言。这次我觉得，你用了很多红宝的词汇，但是没用到位。而且有种中式英语的感觉。我需要根据上下文的推断才知道你那句话的意思，但是单看那句话就会觉得不明白。其实不要过分强调词汇。要先表达清楚，然后再追求词汇上的华丽。不好意思。凌晨一点多改的文。脑子有点不太清楚了。逻辑有问题再问我吧。

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

Tradition and modernization reflect all respects of our daily life and our whole society, such as education, politics, culture, science and even health care. Therefore, we cannot simply and hastily conclude that they cannot compatible and we must choose between them in the whole conditions. However, it would be tempting to concede that there indeed exist some situations that they may confront and we have to choose one between them.（这样改完是不是不雷人了= =|）

To begin with, the perfect combination of tradition and modernization lie in our daily life, such as our furniture, cloths and art works. The structure, purpose and profile of things in our daily life all developed on the basis of people's desire and in order to meet our needs. Thus, the things cannot obey this original, fundamental and traditional order (我想说法则，不知道这个词儿可不可以), no matter how huge it may change. Just think about the process of sweat change. We may easily discover that the usage and the material of sweat-prevent cold and use wool- not change. Actually, the change is style, with the different conception about beauty from one period to another. This is similar to most of things in our daily life, exactly merge the traditional use and the modern style, and most importantly, make this combination compatible. (我不知道我这么说，说清楚了没，不过这样也可以当个例子么？会不会很弱。。。) Moreover, the perfect combination not only lie in traditional use and modern style, but more important, the combination of tradition and modern may better our life, the medical treatment can also substantiate my standpoint. (这样说是不是算是一个递进了？)Nowadays, with the development of our medical technology, most of diseases could be overcame by the modern medical treatment, but the traditional medical treatment, especially traditional Chinese medicine still use and frequently merge with modern treatment in order to make patient heal quickly. In short, in many respect of our daily life, tradition and modernization are not only could compatible, but also can perfect compatible which could improve and better our life and society as a whole.

On the other perspective, such as education, the combination of tradition and modernization are also compatible. As we all known, lecture is our traditional measure of teaching, it is effective, transparent and sometimes witty. Nowadays, many schools also use some vivid, concrete and convenient digital technologies such as PPT, video to support teaching. Therefore, our students could study better due to the combination of these traditional and modern avenues. (第一个例子，老师讲课与PPT结合) On the other hand, students also have a choice to study at home on online-classroom instead of traditional classroom. This modern method could solve many students’ problem about go to school, especially in remote and mountain areas. At the same time, a majority of students still prefer to attend class, communicate with teacher face by face and discuss with classmate immediately. Thus, this combination of traditional education and modern education could make more students have a chance to learn knowledge. （第二个例子，教师与空中课堂的结合，这段我几乎是重写的，这回成了不= =|）

However, in other special conditions, tradition and modernization are indeed incompatible, such as culture. Many valued traditional cultures disappeared due to the impact of modern culture. For instance, we face a serious problem that our instant and popular culture is overemphasized and overweight than traditional culture, such as music, paint and literature. Nowadays, more and more people, especially children- our hope in the future, prefer to listen to pop music and read popular novel rather than listening classic music and reading classic literature, barely have children have read Shakespeare’s literature and many children even do not know who is Paganini Niccolo (one of the most achievement classical musician). (这样说会不会觉得有点说服力了？)The educational experts predict that if students still ignore the traditional culture and be impacted largely by modern culture, our rich and valued traditional culture may disappear someday. In this respect, traditional culture and modern culture seems incompatible- the modern culture lead to the traditional culture disappeared. (这样可以么？会不会好一点，不那么生硬了？)However, if we could congenially commingle the two types of culture- thoroughly understanding modern culture and traditional culture. We would achieve erudite and past serving the present (我想说的意思是博古通今，古为今用，但是不知道应该怎么表达，erudite是红宝上的词，博学的), thus, it cannot arbitrarily deny that the two cultures cannot coexist and indeed, this phenomenon will strongly better our mental and ethical spirit and even improve our society as a whole.

In conclusion, I agree with the speaker’s contention insofar as in some particular conditions, tradition and modernization seems incompatible. However, in other numberless of areas, they can compound well and this combination could better our life and society. Moreover, if we could find an avenue to combine tradition and modernization which cannot combine plausibly, our life and even society would improve a giant step.

感谢：看完你的分析，真是收获多多。其实我也觉得这几天我的进步还是挺明显的，哈哈，我从开始完全不知道AW是什么，现在开始一点点入门了，而这些都是因为你们一次次的帮我改作文的结果。除了感谢，我真的不知道还能怎么报答你们这些伟大的版主了，当然还有很多热心的版友。额~真的不知道还能怎么感谢了= =|

紫陌纤尘o0UID: 2745492

我比较好奇，为什么你总是能混到版主给你改作文？我怎么一次都没混到 — —！

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

4# 紫陌纤尘o0
哈哈~我也不知道~可能是看我太弱了~
社会不都关注弱势群体么~