习作ARGUMENT238

bzr2915UID: 2612029

238The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's board of trustees.

"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. 【结论】To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."

提纲：

1、基于一个没有可比性的数据（<1>调查时间段不同GMC 1年 MVC 3个月<2>统计的工作方式不同 GMC 可能包括兼职 MVC统计的全职）得到一个不确切的推论GMC比MVC就业好。

2、即便GMC就业形势真的比MVC好,GMC的高就业率依然不能归咎于MORE BUSINESS COURSES AND MORE JOB COUNSELORS
学校差异：<1>GMC的学校声誉            
              <2>GMC的商科学生和学生总数太多（自然要开更多的BUSSINESS COURSES和 请更多的XX)


学生差异：<1>学生就业需求差异
             <2>学生整体素质比MVC高

3、 即便GMC的成功是由于MORE BUSINESS COURSES AND MORE JOB COUNSELORS致使的高就业率，MVC在没有调查具体课程及咨询内容的情况下盲目加课及进行简历及面试培训是草率的。





字数590

The advice that to help Mira Vista's(MV) graduates improve their employment, which followed the example of Green Mountain College(GMC) might be advisable and effective. After all, MGC seems to hold a higher rate of employment than MV. However, the further reflection reveals that the statistics which related to the rate of employment is not convincing by the fact that GMC's students inform the college after one year when they are graduated in contrast to MV's students inform the college after 3 months. The statistic also be troubled in the different job counted by two colleges that MV just count full-time job, however , in this statistics GMC might also count a part-time job.  


Furthermore, based on the assumption that the employment statistics is counted in an equal condition, the author unecessarily owns the success of MGC to more courses in business and hiring additional job counselors, which seems to be uncovincing and superficial. This conclusion involved in the argument might mislead MV in the follow respects.

First, the author bases on the merely fact that MGC has more business courses and more job couselors claiming it is the main reason for the higher rate of employment, which seems reasonable, at first glance, but further reflection reveals that this conclusion is unwarranted. An appreciate example is not too far to seek, consider,MGC is a famous college which has a better reputaionthan MV in the region. In this assumption, a higher rate of employment might be somewhat reasonable to MGC.If the author can't rule out this and other alternative explanations, it is reasonable for us to cast doubts on the conclusion.

Furthermore, more business courses and consultors might be caused by other factors. Consider, for example, MGC is a business college and has more students than MV, which is a sound reason account for it. In this situation, it is useless for MV to offer more courses and counselors.

Second, the author overlook the difference of two school's students which related to the choice of  jobs and students' aptitude. It is likely that MV's students tend for a high salary or more comfortable job, in the contrast MGC students' just want a job that could afford their lives' cost without more request. Common sense tell us that a lower request for the job will open much more chances to be employed though what is not so good considered by the MV's students, which is enough to result in a high-low employment between them.

In the final analyse, even though MGC's high employment rate is due to the courses of business and more counselors, it is not safe under the condition that MV don't know clearly what MGC's detail courses and the content of the consultancy to introduce into more board business courses and more counselors who helping improve interviwing skill and writting of resumes. It most likely that MGC's students learned a more systematic business and employment training which can not be simply imitated by increase the number of business courses and counselors to solve up.

The argument points out a possible way to settle down the low rate of employment problem in MV which might be potentially ineffective before a further survey that make clear what are the MGC's real reasons that lead to a higher rate of employment. Not until the author could rule out all these doubtful points such as the student number of, the reputation of, as well as the detail courses and consult content of MGC, it is unfounded to reach the conclusion involved in the conclusion.

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

238The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's board of trustees.

"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."

Okay，从整体来看，一眼扫过去，首先第一点比较严重的问题，段落有很严重的问题，我不知道这是因为你排版的问题还是本身就是这样分段的，总之这样分段的逻辑非常不合理，盼注意。
The advice that to help Mira Vista's(MV) graduates improve their employment, which followed the example of Green Mountain College(GMC) might be advisable and effective. After all, MGC seems to hold a higher rate of employment than MV. （基本上看到这里，如果是美国的rater读的话，你的这篇argument就已经被XXOO了，我们是在写AW，是Analytical Writing，是写argument，不是写别的需要有写作表现力或者说描述性、技巧性的花哨语言的文章，我们从头到尾只关心逻辑！逻辑！！逻辑！！！所以最基本的第一条，开头一定要开门见山，不要花花肠子东绕西绕，rater远比你更熟悉那些原文，用简练的语言整理清楚原文的逻辑链就可以了，别的东西通通都应该砍掉，不需要什么铺垫，不需要什么详细说明，这些全部都是拖后腿的东西，开头重写，argument应该如何正确的开头，你可以参考以下这个帖子：
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-920961-1-1.html
，还有顺便也把ETS的官方要求贴给你看一下)

Understanding the Argument Task

The "Analyze an Argument" task assesses your ability to understand, analyze, and evaluate arguments and to clearly convey your analysis in writing.  The task consists of a brief passage in which the author makes a action or interpretation of events by presenting claims backed by reasons and case for some course of evidence.  Your task is to discuss the logical soundness of the author's case by critically examining the line of reasoning and the use of evidence.  This task requires you to read the argument very carefully.  You might want to read it more than once and possibly make brief notes about points you want to develop more fully in your response.  In reading the argument, you should pay special attention to what is offered as evidence, support, or proof?  what is explicitly stated, claimed, or concluded  what is assumed or supposed, perhaps without justification or proof  what is not stated, but necessarily follows from what is stated

In addition, you should consider the structure of the argument—the way in which these elements are linked together to form a line of reasoning; that is, you should recognize the separate, sometimes implicit steps in the thinking process and consider whether the movement from each one to the next is logically sound.  In tracing this line, look for transition words and phrases that suggest that the author is attempting to make a logical connection (e.g., however, thus, therefore, evidently, hence, in conclusion).

An important part of performing well on the Argument task is remembering what you are not being asked to do.  You are not being asked to discuss whether the statements in the argument are true or accurate; instead, you are being asked whether conclusions and inferences are validly drawn from the statements.  You are not being asked to agree or disagree with the position stated; instead, you are being asked to
comment on the thinking that underlies the position stated.  You are not being asked to express your own views on the subject being discussed (as you were in the Issue task); instead, you are being asked to evaluate the logical soundness of an argument of another writer and, in doing so, to demonstrate the critical thinking, perceptive reading, and analytical writing skills that university faculty consider important for success in graduate school.

"Analyze an Argument" is primarily a critical thinking task requiring a written response.  Consequently, the analytical skills displayed in your critique carry great weight in determining your score

However, the further reflection reveals that the statistics which related to the rate of employment is not convincing by the fact that GMC's students inform the college after one year when they are graduated in contrast to MV's students inform the college after 3 months. The statistic also be troubled in the different job counted by two colleges that MV just count full-time job, however , in this statistics GMC might also count a part-time job.  

Furthermore, based on the assumption that the employment statistics is counted in an equal condition, the author unnecessarily owns the success of MGC to more courses in business and hiring additional job counselors, which seems （语法问题，必须保证前后一致，如果是additional job counselors，那么就应该是which seem，如果是which seems那么前面就应该是an additional job counselor.） to be unconvincing and superficial. This conclusion involved in the argument might mislead MV in the follow respects. 【不知道furthermore的这一段是不是还属于开头的部分，总之你的开头是严重需要重写了，几乎门外汉水准，这是第几篇Argument了？】

First, the author bases on the merely fact that MGC has more business courses and more job counselors claiming it is the main reason for the higher rate of employment, which seems reasonable, at first glance, but further reflection reveals that this conclusion is unwarranted. （开始论证的部分，每段第一句是主题句，主题句要做到指出原作者所犯逻辑错误的同时实现trenchant！要一针见血，而绝不是一段冗长的赘述。） An appreciate example is not too far to seek, consider, MGC is a famous college which has a better reputation than MV in the region. In this assumption, a higher rate of employment might be somewhat reasonable to MGC. If the author can't rule out this and other alternative explanations, it is reasonable for us to cast doubts on the conclusion.

Furthermore, more business courses and consulters might be caused by other factors. Consider, for example, MGC is a business college and has more students than MV, which is a sound reason account for it. In this situation, it is useless for MV to offer more courses and counselors.（我也不明白为什么这里的furthermore要另起一段，我们且不论你攻击逻辑错误的方法，单单从你的语言来看，extremely oral language，这是AW的大忌，逻辑论证是一个很严谨的过程，你的语言完全不是那么回事，光这一条就够呛了。）

Second, the author overlooks the difference of two school's students which related to the choice of jobs and students' aptitude. It is likely that MV's students tend for a high salary or more comfortable job, in the contrast MGC students' just want a job that could afford their lives' cost without more requests. Common sense tell us that a lower request for the job will open much more chances to be employed though what is not so good considered by the MV's students, which is enough to result in a high-low employment between them.

In the final analyze, even though MGC's high employment rate is due to the courses of business and more counselors, it is not safe under the condition that MV don't know clearly what MGC's detail courses and the content of the consultancy to introduce into more board business courses and more counselors who helping improve interviewing skill and writing of resumes. It most likely that MGC's students learned a more systematic business and employment training which can not be simply imitated by increase the number of business courses and counselors to solve up.

The argument point out a possible way to settle down the low rate employment problem in MV which might be potentially ineffective before a further survey that make clear what the MGC's real reasons that lead to a higher rate of employment. Not until the author could rule out all these doubtful points such as the student number of, the reputation of, as well as the detail courses and consult content of MGC, it is unfounded to reach the conclusion involved in the conclusion.

这篇我没有改完，我觉得通篇需要重写，楼主请先仔细研读我贴给你的ETS官方要求，然后认真重写这篇吧，首先一定要明白argument到底应该写什么，怎么写，你可以参考版内其他版友的习作。

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

P.S 楼主的几个漏洞和驳斥的切入点都找得不错，很有想法，可是这种写法比较伤，很划不来，相信找到方法后会有长足进步的，加油↖(^ω^)↗

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

P.S又P.S，一定不能放弃哈。。。不然家家罪过大了。。。。囧囧

bzr2915UID: 2612029

4# 家家☆yoonjae

深刻，家家，我会回来的~