作文求改。

gexumingUID: 2649471

下午新写的一篇，感觉主题说着说着有点跑，但是又给扯回来了……

关于主题这个东西，是否可以自圆其说就OK？

还有个问题，就是时间……30分钟，感觉有点短，特别是键盘……这篇用了40多分钟。

字数在多少比较合适？

Disagree or agree technology makes people’s lives simpler.


With the development of the modern science and technology, catching up the recent skills is the most important way to improve us, which can put us in a favorable position in the future job markets and also make us more convenience in our daily life. However, those object that argue that the advance technology make people’s lives more complicated, even make more pollutions and noise in their life. In other hands increasing number of people, including me, support the point that the modern technology, make our lives simpler and more convenience. Using the advance technology to solve problems in our lives is a tendency in contemporary.

Of course, it is clear that a lot of technologies have certain innate setbacks, which render some negative impacts in society. Such as cars make more noise, factories make more pollution, and skyscrapers occupy more places, where residents can relax themselves in their spear time.

However, the advantages of the modern technology clearly outweigh the drawbacks. No one can deny the fact that with the development of the modern technology, our life is become more and more comfortable, and that make our more convenience in daily life. Moreover, modern technology has enabled us to have easier access to a huge amount of information. Take a job application for an example, just click a computer’s button and we can easily find detailed description about the desirable job. According to the descriptions, we can apply online or send our resumes directly to the company by e-mail without even going to the company ourselves. So the advance technology assists one in achieving a simpler and more comfortable life.

If fact, we have to admit that the impact that the advance technology exerts on one’s life cannot undeniable, and even become greater in the future. According to a recent survey by CCTV in Chinese top ten universities, about 90 percents students claim that the development of the technology has far-reaching in our life, and will even plays a vital role in the future.

From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw a conclusion that the modern technology makes our life simpler and more convenience. Although it may render some drawbacks, we still have to admit its advantages.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

With the development of the modern science and technology, catching up with the recent skills (What kind of skills? 'skills' is too broad a word to be meaningful here.) is the most important way to improve us (Normally, you don't say something 'improves' someone. People improve through doing things, or things enable people to improve.) which can put us in a favorable positions (Singular/plural consistency. You should be alert about this if you use 'us' or 'we' in a sentence.) in the future job markets, and also make us more convenience (1. you normally don't 'make' convenience, but you can 'create' convenience'; 2. you definitely can't 'make' any certain amount of convenience for someone. 'convenience' is not a tangible object that you can 'make' in a lesser or more quantity. 3. you can't make people 'convenient' either. 'convenient' means to be easy and facilitating of use, therefore generally things can be convenient but not people. I see that you've used this expression many times throughout the essay. I think you meant to say 'make lives more convenient' in most of these cases.) in our daily life. However, those who object that statement (Complete your clause, or else 'those object that' becomes ambiguous.) argue that the advanced technology make people’s lives more complicated, even making (If you use 'make', this part then needs a subject to be a complete clause.) more pollutions (Something 'makes' pollution is a very awkward expression. If something makes pollution, then it simply 'pollutes'. That's where 'pollution' comes from, anyway.) and noise in their life (I'm okay with either 'people's life' or 'people's lives', but whichever you choose to use should be consistent within your essay.). In other hands (Do you mean 'on the other hand'?), an increasing number of people, including me, support the point that the modern technology, make our lives simpler and more convenient. Using the advanced technology to solve problems in our lives is a tendency in contemporary (One word - trend - would do. Plus, this point is totally unrelated to the topic. Whether modern tech has made our lives simpler doesn't necessarily imply that use of modern tech is a trend, and vice versa. If you are thinking about 'since it's convenient, people will use it more, and then it becomes a trend', then this is an implication of the keywords in the topic, and should generally be part of your arguments, not the opening paragraph.).

Of course, it is clear that a lot of technologies have certain innate setbacks, which render some negative impacts in society. Such as (This can't lead a sentence in itself. Either you attach this whole part with the previous sentence and add 'which' after the nouns like 'cars', 'factories', or use 'For example'.) cars make more noise, factories make more pollution (See previous comment about 'make pollution'.), and skyscrapers occupy more places (This should be 'space'.), where residents can relax themselves in their spare time. (This one is interesting because skyscrapers were built to save space, especially in the city centers..if you've seen the sprawling single-storey countryside shopping centers in the US, you'll probably agree too :)) (Another point to take note: the question is about whether technology has made lives SIMPLER. If you want to oppose this here, then the focal point would be that technology has not made lives simpler. You're talking about the negative impacts of technology - which, again, have nothing to do whether people's lives are simpler or not. You're slipping into a focus on 'technology' alone but not on 'simple' at all.)

However, the advantages of the modern technology clearly outweigh the drawbacks. No one can deny the fact that with the development of the modern technology, our life is becomes more and more comfortable, and that make our more convenience in daily life (Your point is that comfortable life is convenient, and I'd very much doubt so when I think about the farmers in central US where the wheat fields can stretch for miles without seeing one toilet..comfortable, yes, but convenient, I don't know XD). Moreover, modern technology has enabled us to have easier access to a huge amount of information. Take a job application for an example, just click a computer’s button (A computer usually has two buttons that you 'press' but not 'click'. If we talk about clicking buttons, then that's mostly a mouse thing.) and we can easily find detailed descriptions about the? desirable job (Is there any one particular desirable job here? Remember that 'the' is a finite article. It means the noun points to a specific instance of an object.). According to the descriptions, we can apply online or send our resumes directly to the company by e-mail without even going to the company ourselves. So the advanced technology assists one in achieving a simpler and more comfortable life. (Good, well-explained example. You might want to augment it by saying that 'going to the company ourselves' would be a very troublesome matter. This will help to reinforce the idea of 'simpler life'.)

In fact, we have to admit that the impact that the advanced technology exerts on one’s life cannot be? undeniable (You're using a double negative here..so the actual meaning seems to be the opposite of what you really wanted to say.), and even becomes greater in the future. According to a recent survey by CCTV in Chinese the top ten Chinese universities, about 90 percents of students claim that the development of the technology has far-reaching (What?) in our life, and will even plays a vital role in the future. (Yeah, but what does this have to do with the question?)

From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw a conclusion that the modern technology makes our life simpler and more convenient. Although it may render some drawbacks, we still have to admit its advantages.

总结：

最主要的问题是语言水平很不均匀。。一开始语法和词汇都很抖，很多不地道的表达，第三段开始变好。而且我觉得似乎有个倾向就是一用难度比较大的词汇/词组，就顾不上语法了。。

逻辑方面主要的就是除了第三段其实都没扣题。。所以你并不是说着说着跑了，你其实是说着说着对上了一段。。=.= 主题能够自圆其说当然可以，问题是 1. 我没看出来你的主题到底是simpler还是simpler and more convenient，2. 哪里自圆其说了。。特别是倒数第二段感觉就是来凑字数的 =.= 这个作文主题明确了之后你就要一直跟着主题走，让步也是要以反主题的方式让，而不是单纯的正反面作用/影响的让。

字数一般300-350即可。

gexumingUID: 2649471

急死了都这个时候了，才写成这样……4月10考了啊……
现在30分钟都还弄不完，急死了
国宝同学帮看看这篇，是否有所好转……
Agree or disagree people will feel happier when they finish a challenging or difficult work than they finish an easy work.

Nowadays, an increasing number of people tend to have a favorable attitude toward that people will feel happier when they finish a challenging or difficult work than they finish an easy work. However, those who object that statement argue that people will feel happiness when they finished their work, no matter this work is difficult or easy. In other words, they do not feel happier just because they accomplished a challenging or difficult work. For my part, I strongly convince the former, the reasons as follow.

To be frank, in contemporary more and more people constantly seek challenging or difficult works, they want to accomplish those works basically to prove their ability or to demonstrate their powerful. Doing easy works cannot experience senses of satisfaction and achievement, because most ordinary people can finished those works. Take the popular sports, which we usually called life—threatening activities, for an example. The majority of people, who taked those sports, consciously or unconsciously, tying to prove their difference, powerful and excel ability. Do you admire a person who will feel more happiness when he or her experienced senses of satisfaction and achievement? I bet never will you say no.

Moreover, accomplished a challenging or difficult work can assists one in favor positions and also wins opportunities to promote. Although finished an easy work is simpler thing for us, it cannot bring happiness to us, because though that we cannot obtain what we needed. For example, many people feel their career’s life is dull and boring. They go through the daily routines of monotonous office work, which most ordinary people can finished only have fundamental knowledge. However, those positions have no career prospects and cannot realize your full potential. To be put simply, people will feel happier when they find they have opportunities to promote but that need you to finish challenging or difficult works to prove your excel ability.

Finally, it is human nature to feel extremely happiness after overcoming a challenging or difficult work, which ordinary people unable to do. From what have been discussed, we may safely draw the conclusion that people will feel happier when they finish a challenging or difficult work than they finish an easy work.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

3# gexuming

Nowadays, an increasing number of people tend to have a favorable attitude towards that people will feel happier when they finish a challenging or difficult work (I'm suspecting that this is not an authentic essay question, because 'work' is usually not countable when used in the sense of a 'job'. It'd make more sense to use 'task' here in this question. Similarly, if you use 'works' in this essay, they should be 'tasks'.) than when they finish an easy work. However, those who object that statement argue that people will feel happiness when they finished their work, no matter whether this work is difficult or easy. In other words, they do not feel happier just because they accomplished a challenging or difficult work. For my part, I strongly convince (This means to 'bring' someone to belief, so you can only 'convince' people, or you get 'convinced' by an argument, but never 'convince' something.) the former. The reasons are as follows (No matter what the phrase in front is, it's always the singular 'as follows'. It's an idiom, not a grammar usage issue. But of course, you can always use the more fluid 'Here are my reasons.'.).

To be frank, in contemporary times more and more people constantly seek challenging or difficult works. They want to accomplish those works basically to prove their abilities or to demonstrate their powers. Doing easy works, they cannot experience senses of satisfaction and achievement, because most ordinary people can finished those works. Take the popular sports, which we usually called life—threatening activities? (I'm really trying to guess what you're trying to say. Extreme sports, maybe?), for an example. The majority of people, who taked those sports (What exactly are these 'sports' you keep mentioning, anyway? Give some names. That's called 'specific and detailed examples'.), consciously or unconsciously, tying to prove their differences, powers and excellent abilities. Do you admire (The question is about how people feel about their accomplishments. It's not related to what YOU feel about those people.) a person who will feel more happiness when he or her experienced senses of satisfaction and achievement? I bet never will you say no.

Moreover, accomplishing a challenging or difficult work can assists one in favorable positions and also wins opportunities to promotion. Although finishing an easy work is simpler thing for us, it cannot bring happiness to us, because thr?ough that we cannot obtain what we needed. For example, many people feel their career’s life is are dull and boring. They go through the daily routines of monotonous office work, which most ordinary people can finished with only have fundamental knowledge. However, those positions have no career prospects and cannot realize your full potential. To be put simply, people will feel happier when they find they have opportunities to promote (To 'promote' what?) but that needs you (Why do you suddenly switch from 'people' to 'you'?) to finish challenging or difficult works to prove your excellent abilities. (Good point, but will people still feel happy after hard work if their hard work never lead to a promotion? Would be an interesting question to think about.)

Finally, it is human nature to feel extremely happiness after overcoming a challenging or difficult work, which ordinary people are unable to do. (Didn't you make the same point in the second paragraph?) From what have been discussed, we may safely draw the conclusion that people will feel happier when they finish a challenging or difficult work than they finish an easy work.

总结：

这位童鞋我觉得你现在需要小心你的语法。这整篇的动词时态和单复数基本上比较糊涂，当然这可能有限时造成的紧张和急躁的原因。。

在说理方面整体还比较好，除了第一个论点的结论部分做错了，这个问题是关于people的态度而不是你对people的态度。。然后最后一段完全就是时间不够所以就赶着结尾了。另外主要的问题是你倾向于很虚的用词，比如activities, sports, what we need这类范围很大说了和没说一样的名词, 和重复的用词。给我整体的感觉就是你有说理的能力和想法，作文的构架也有，但是你对于词汇的积累和选择能力还没有达到能够非常精确地表达自己想法的地步。不过这是一个长期的问题，肯定不是短期内可以解决的，而且你基本的论述框架还是足够的，所以我建议你现在应该集中注意力在语法上，先确定自己在定时的压力下能把话说正确，减少无谓的错误。另外，作文不一定需要三个论点，两个扎实的论点足够，如果没有时间写第三个论点，直接结尾即可，比写出一个话说到一半的论点要好。

gexumingUID: 2649471

再来一篇……有所进步没啊？？
国宝同学，就这水平能上20吗？？

痛苦中……

students are more influenced by their teachers than friends

When asked about whether students are more influenced by their teachers than friends, a large majority of people will say "Definitely yes!" In their mind, compare with students' friends they prefer to emphasize more on teachers. However, we should not overlook the impacts of friends, after all, students spend most of their time with their friends. So, in my point, friends is plays the most significant factor in student life.

To be frank, it is true that teachers who teach us knowledge will influence student' life and personal views. Learned teachers have enabled us to have easier access to a huge amount of information, which is the basis of success in future. Moreover, teachers also tell us the wrongful things which we should not do, such as substance abuse, addict in drugs, and drink alcohol.

However, it is clear to me that teachers have certain innate setbacks which render them unable to compete with friends. Students have the similar psychology that allows them to communicate better, and also result in they understand and influence with each others. Students often open own minds to their friends, not to their teachers. And they also share their secrets with each other. They have to face the same greatest pressure from examinations, which stimulate more mutual understanding. And this is also one reason why the gap between students and teachers is growing.

Furthermore, another equally important factor is that students share the most of their time together, which guarantees close contact with friends. Due to the fact that students spend much more time with their friends, they, therefore, can know each other better. Students are inevitably affected by people with whom they spend more time.

Therefore, from this analysis, I strongly oppose any position arguing that “teachers” is the most significant factor in one's life. To put it in a simpler and more direct way, friends influence each other most!

mpromanusUID: 2565872

5# gexuming

When asked about whether students are more influenced by their teachers than friends, a large majority of people will say "Definitely yes!". In their minds, compared with students' friends, they (Who? The students? The students' friends? There's already a shift in nouns before this 'they', so it's necessary that you must state clearly what this 'they' refers to.) prefer to emphasize more on teachers. However, we should not overlook the impacts of friends. After all, students spend most of their time with their friends (Not even with families?). So, in my point, friends is plays the most significant factor in a student's life.

To be frank, it is true that teachers who teach us knowledge (Again, 'teach knowledge' is one of the most classic errors Chinese stduents make. 'Knowledge' is what a student acquires through learning, or what a teachers imparts into his students during teaching. It is not something that a teacher can directly teach. Just remember you can say 'teach us', but not 'teach us knowledge'.) will influence student' lives and personal views. Learned teachers have enabled us to have easier access to a huge amount of information, which is the basis of success in future. Moreover, teachers also tell us about the wrongful things which we should not do, such as substance abuse, addiction in drugs, and drinking alcohol. (Drug addition and excessive alcohol drinking may both come under 'substance abuse'.)

However, it is clear to me that teachers have certain innate setbacks which render them unable to compete with friends. (The question is about influence, not competitions or setbacks or whether one is inferior than another. This i seems to be a trace of template sentence usage, where you know that this sentence is used to compare two things but you have no idea what exact kind of comparison this sentence would convey. Simply put, this sentence is a comparison between the better and the worse, and it happens that this question is not about whether one is better or worse than the other, but about less or more.)  Students have the similar psychology ('psychology' is the 'study' of human minds. The human minds themselves are called 'mindsets'.) that allows them to communicate better, and also result in that they understand and influence with each others. Students often open their own minds to their friends, not to their teachers. And they also share their secrets with each other. They have to face the same greatest pressure from examinations, which stimulates more mutual understanding. And this is also one reason why the gap between students and teachers is growing.

Furthermore, another equally important factor is that students share the most of their time together, which guarantees close contact with friends. Due to the fact that students spend much more time with their friends, they, therefore (Repetition with 'due to'.), can know each other better. Students are inevitably affected by people with whom they spend more time. (These seem to be a bit repetitive and not fully developed. You need to elaborate on this and augment your argument with proper examples or details.)

Therefore, from this analysis, I strongly oppose any position arguing that “teachers” is the most significant factor in one's (The question is not about any random person. It's very specific that the question wants you to talk about 'stduent', and your conclusion completely ignored the word.) life. To put it in a simpler and more direct way, friends influence each other the most!

总结：

分数我不敢说，因为我对托福的评分标准并不了解，也不愿意误导你。但从最近这几篇看下来的感觉还是说你其实是有那个能力写出一篇不错的文章的，像这篇其实语法错误已经减少很多，第一个论点也做得不错，但是很明显的感觉你写到一半发觉时间不够用了然后就开始乱写。。=.=

我能给你的建议就是如果你在时间上不习惯，那就不要开篇之后先写让步段，留到倒数第二段去。原因是，如果你好好地写好两个正面论点，那么时间就算来不及你也可以直接扔下结尾，没有让步但你正面论述完整；反之，如果你因为写了让步而没有时间发展第二个正面论点，那你的整体结构还是不完整的，因为你没有论述完整你的主要论点。所以从时间和完成度的方面考虑，我基本都会建议把让步段放到最后，以正面论点的发展优先。

gexumingUID: 2649471

Students would receive a better, effective education if they were required to attend classes for 11 months.

When asked about whether students would receive a better, effective education if they were required to attend classes for 11 months, a large majority of parents will say “definitely yes!”. In their minds, they prefer to emphasize more on how long did children spent on studying, and always focus on child’s academic performance. However, we should not overlook other factors, which are also influence children future development as well. So, I do not agree with the statement and in this essay I will point out some reasons that are most vital.

To be frank, studying scientific knowledge is plays a vital role in personal life. And only through hard studying work can enable us to obtain a bright future. Moreover, there might be the external and internal pressures require people to study, such as to earn their lives or supporting their families in the future. However, there are so many factors impact personal future, and study scientific knowledge is not the only determining one.

It can be said without exaggerate that learning how to cooperate with he or her teammates and cultivate he or her group spirit are become greater significant for child in modern society. With improved awareness of the important of the group spirit, one of the important properties for human beings, more and more students maintain that our schools should give students more opportunities to go to society, to learn how to cooperate with others to accomplish a whole project and other useful society routines, instead of setting in classrooms and listening to the boring courses provided by professors all the days.

In addition, there is a growth tendency for parents to ask their children to accept extra education programs over the recent years. It is true that learning is very important, however, health is more important to human beings. Extra studies bring about unhealthy impacts on physical growth of children, and may implant many potential health problems in their bodies. Education experts point out that, it is equally important to take some sport activities or relax instead of extra studies when children have spent so many days in a boring classroom.

From this analysis, I strongly oppose any arguing that students should attend classes for 11 months or even more. Although it is indeed very important in personal life, we should not ignore other elements, which are also influence one’s future.

gexumingUID: 2649471

谢谢啦，10就考了……紧张中

mpromanusUID: 2565872

7# gexuming

When asked about whether students would receive a better, more? (I'm adding the question mark because the question itself doesn't seem authentic.) effective education if they were required to attend classes for 11 months, a large majority of parents will say “definitely yes!”. In their minds, they prefer to emphasize more on how long did children spend on studying, and always focus on children’s academic performances. However, we should not overlook other factors, which are also influence children's future developments as well. So, I do not agree with the statement and in this essay I will point out some reasons that are most vital.

To be frank, studying scientific knowledge is plays a vital role in one's personal life. And only through hard studying work can enable us to obtain a bright future. (This is not a complete sentence because it doesn't even have a proper subject. You can either take out 'through', or rephrase to 'only through hard work, we can ensure bright futures for ourselves'. Use commas to help yourself see where the sentence should break.) Moreover, there might be the external and internal pressures that require people to study, such as to earn their lives?? or supporting their families in the future?? (I don't get this at all. How does study help one to 'earn his life' or 'support his family in the future'?? You need to MAKE YOURSELF UNDERSTOOD. If you don't, your reader will assume that you don't understand what you're talking about.). However, there are so many factors that impact personal future, and study scientific knowledge (Did the question specify anything like this?) is not the only determining one.

It can be said without exaggeration that learning how to cooperate with his or her teammates and cultivate his or her group spirit are becoming greater more significant for children in the modern society. With improved awareness of the importance of the group spirit, one of the important properties for human beings, more and more students maintain that our schools should give students more opportunities to go to the society? (Now you're getting all the direct translations out..), to learn how to cooperate with others to accomplish a whole project and other useful society routines?? (Do you mean 'social etiquettes'?), instead of sitting in classrooms and listening to the boring courses provided by professors all the days long. (You didn't address the '11' months in the question specifically. I'll talk about this in the summary.)

In addition, there is a growing tendency for parents to ask their children to accept extra education programs? over the recent years. It is true that learning is very important, however, health is more important to human beings. Extra studies bring about unhealthy impacts on physical growth of children, and may implant many potential health problems in their bodies. Education experts point out that, it is equally important to take some sport activities or to relax instead of doing extra studies when children have spent so many days in a boring classroom.

From this analysis, I strongly oppose any arguing that students should attend classes for 11 months or even more (The 'even more' part is not in the question.). Although it is indeed very important in personal life, we should not ignore other elements, which are also influence one’s future.

总结：

你对这个题目一点概念也没有，是么。。

但是不能因为不知道一个题目该怎么写，就破罐子破摔，想到什么算什么，连最基本的语法，像he and her这种错误，都顾不上了。。

这个题目，我认为它的潜台词是：学生一年12个月里如果有11个月在读书的话，效果会比现在的方式好。现在的方式是什么呢？学生一年12个月刨去寒暑假，大概只有不到10个月在读书。

为什么我这么说呢？因为题目特别给你指出11个月，better, effective education，肯定是要有些用意的。那么你只要去想11个月和better education是和什么相比较，就很自然了。

所以我几乎每一篇的修改都在强调审题。审题不仅是要理解题目出的是什么东西，也要理解为什么题目要这么出。在一个问题的具体措词背后，出题方想要暗指的意图是什么 - 如果你能准确看透题目的潜台词，接下来对提纲、论点、词汇的选择，就都能够多少做到有的放矢，对于短时间的作文来说非常重要。