ISSUE 130 第一次写ISSUE 求拍 有拍就回

tszxl1989UID: 2744153

130 How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

With the development of society, people are putting more emphasis on education: governments are increasing funding of education; school staffs are trained to be more skillful and experienced. Thanks to the technology, our children are easily accessible to all kinds of educational resources’ on internet. However, despite of all these progress, I still agree with the speaker’s statement that we have not learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

First of all, what is a better society? If the “better society” means a society in which everyone is very skillful with their jobs but show no sign of innovation; a society in which everyone can handle their personal affairs very well, but stay indifferent to the suffering of other people; a society in which people are physical strong but mentally ill; a society in which society everyone is an individual but no socialized, I have to admit, we have found the right way of education. However, if our definition of the word “better society” is still the society that we can look forward to, we really have not learned how to raise our children.

Although many people fail to recognize it, education has three fundamental goals: teach children with practical knowledge; foster individual’s development and the capacity to fill with one’s dream; make our young people to be responsible, thoughtful and enterprising citizens. Unfortunately, we are becoming more and more skillful and experienced in fulfilling the first goal of education: we prefer the teachers which can improve the average grade of the students; we cut off the funding on art, music, moral and ethnics education whiling focusing more attention to the practical subjects which can bring a seemingly good future (often measured by the salary). However, at the same time, we ignore the importance of the other two goals which are much more essential to build a better society. We replace our children’s dreams with the parents’, or the teachers’ practical, endless and always worldly chasing of material comfort while neglecting the education of communicational skills, moral values, emotional control  which is often the sign of socialization. Without all these precious qualities missing in our children, how can we expect a better society?

Admittedly, out current way to educate and socialize our children leaves much to be desired. However, it is over pessimistic if we simply draw the conclusion that how our children are socialized today determines the destiny of the society. Indeed, we can not oversee the fact that after 20 years, children now will become the fresh troops of the society, but other factors, such as our educational method, the operation of mass media, the policy of the government, all contribute to determine what the society will be like. For instance, the press is often seen to have the equal importance of the three branches of government. As the so-called fourth branch, the press can exert tremendous effect on the formation of moral value and mental healthy. As to the government policy, it has the power to guide the way we conduct teaching process and strongly affect the behaviors of the young people.

Although some mistakes may have been made in education, and maybe we still can not find the best way to educate our children and make them better socialized, yet human being have the merit of revising their behaviors wisely. I believe, Better education, along with the positive guiding of the press and other important factors, we can still have a bright future.

爱上千年的猫UID: 2476232

1# tszxl1989
130 How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

With the development of society, people are putting more emphasis on education: governments are increasing funding of education; school staffs are trained to be more skillful and experienced. Thanks to the technology, our children are easily accessible to all kinds of educational resources’ on (the) internet (或 online). However, despite of all these progresses, I still agree with the speaker’s statement that we have not learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
楼主开头段很惊艳啊~~句与句之间的连接灰常舒服，学习之！

First of all, what is a better society? If the “better society” means a society in which everyone is very skillful with their jobs but show no sign of innovation; a society in which everyone can handle their personal affairs very well, but stay indifferent to the suffering of other people; a society in which people are physical strong but mentally ill; a society in which society(多余) everyone is an individual but not socialized, I have to admit, we have found the right way of education. However, if our definition of the word “better society” is still the society that we can look forward to, we really have not learned how to raise our children.
这段开头对better society的定义进行提问，并且并列了几种并非是真正的better society的回答。不过最后一句我觉得是不是应该给出一个稍微具体一点的定义，而不仅仅是that we can look forward to这么抽象的回答。

Although many people fail to recognize it, education has three fundamental goals: teach children with practical knowledge; foster individual’s development and the capacity to fill with (to fulfil?)one’s dream; make our young people to be responsible, thoughtful and enterprising citizens. Unfortunately, we are becoming more and more skillful and experienced in fulfilling the first goal of education: we prefer the teachers which(who) can improve the average grade of the(删去) students; we cut off the funding on art, music, moral and ethnics education whiling(?) focusing more attention to the practical subjects which can bring a seemingly good future (often measured by the salary). However, at the same time, we ignore the importance of the other two goals which are much more essential to build a better society. We replace our children’s dreams with the parents’, or the teachers’ practical, endless and always worldly chasing of material comfort while neglecting the education of communicational skills, moral values, emotional control  which is often the sign of socialization. Without all these precious qualities missing(needed,前面用了without) in our children, how can we expect a better society?
本段给出了教育的三个目标，并通过说明我们太多关注第一个目标而忽略后两个目标，论证我们的教育欠缺实现better society的东西。

Admittedly, out current way to educate and socialize our children leaves much to be desired. However, it is over pessimistic if we simply draw the conclusion that how our children are socialized today determines the destiny of the society. Indeed, we can not oversee(overlook, oversee是监督的意思) the fact that after 20 years, children now will become the fresh troops of the society, but other factors, such as our educational method, the operation of mass media, the policy of the government, all contribute to determine what the society will be like. For instance, the press is often seen to have the equal importance of the three branches of government. As the so-called fourth branch, the press can exert tremendous effect on the formation of moral value and mental healthy(health?of后面可以跟mental healthy么?). As to the government policy, it has the power to guide the way we conduct teaching process and strongly affect the behaviors of the young people.
让步，指出其他因素也能决定社会的未来，只是我不太明白the three braches of government是指什么？还请楼主指教。。。

Although some mistakes may have been made in education, and maybe(perhaps) we still can not find the best way to educate our children and make them better socialized, yet human beings have the merit of revising their behaviors wisely. I believe, Better education, along with the positive guiding of the press and other important factors, we can still have a bright future.
最后一段是不是应该再和首段呼应一下，首段是说现在的教育存在缺陷，尾段说虽然存在缺陷但是仍会有光明的未来，会不会有点。。？

楼主水平很高啊。。。学习学习~~

tszxl1989UID: 2744153

真是谢谢啦，改的这么细，呵呵，three branches of government is legislative, the executive and the judicial branches 呵呵，你是哪里人啊？交个朋友吧，以后互改也方便~ 1# tszxl1989

爱上千年的猫UID: 2476232

3# tszxl1989
好啊好啊，以后还请多多指教呢~我是兰州的，在厦门大学，不过今年大四了，9月份保送兰大读研，计划读研期间申国外~

我加你好友了~~

tszxl1989UID: 2744153

哦~呵呵，我哈工大的，现在大三了，准备大四出去~一起努力哦~ 4# 爱上千年的猫