[phoenix] issue130 第一次作业 by 3号

ningbo1990UID: 2641538

130. "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

提纲：1. 分析什么是社会化;

2. 社会化的确对孩子成长有帮助；社会化的不足会导致孩子无法适应社会;

3. 完全的社会化会导致社会无法创新，得不到进步;

4. 我们需要的不是完全社会化的人而是有敢于对社会改变的人.





In the era of more freedom society, more information can be got conveniently, thus the problems caused by children, such as juvenile delinquency, mental problem, suicide, is obviously. Some people blamed this situation of lacking socialize education to children and they said if this situation continues our future would become no brightness. Such a conclusion seems not exactly right as I concerned.

What is socializing? One paraphrase is that it means children need to inherit the traditional rules and make adaption. Thus the traditional rules and adaption would control children`s actions and behaviors. After learning what they can do while others cannot problems will not exist any longer and can bring a bright and better life in the future.

Admittedly, children need socialize since the language, history, the respect to others, the way behaviors to act and traditional culture need to inherit and there also nature sciences, social sciences is needed to learn. One`s life cannot live without society and lack of socialize may result cannot fit in the society to many children and even cause many problems. The mass media often reports that one killed his teacher because his teacher punished him that he could not bear. Maybe he did not be taught how to socialize yet, so he did an action what he thinks right but actually wrong. From this point of view socialize is a really vital lesson need every child to learn.

From what I have discussed above, socialize, though, seems should be take for granted for it can bring such a big benefit to children. However, completely socialized children may also cause problems. As I paraphrased the definition of socialize above, they may educate to handle conservative rules. But the progress of a society could not live without objections. Since the socialized children can bear both the justice and injustice in the society they agree with every rule in the society and hardly come up disagreement, as a result they cannot promote the progress of society, better life would not emerge.

Above all, our society do not need one with completely socialize for they are too conservative and the one do not socialize at all for they may cause problems. Only the one who can basically adapt to the society and have the courage to change it can really bring a better society. For instance, the French were not resent to the society controlled by Louis XVI, they hold a revolution in 1789 and changed the destination of France; the people realized the important of peace after World War, the world entered into a long era of Cold War. These progresses were launched by a group of people have the courage to change the society and also basically socialized.

Socializing is a lesson does not easily to learn. Completely socialized children cannot be the mainstream to make progress to better life. While one without socialize may cause social problems yet and they also cannot be the main roles to give better life. Only ones who learn how to socialize basically and have ability to change the injustice of their temporary society can really benefit future life.

wu-intrepidUID: 2659758

In the era of more freedom society疑为free society，范文的开头，或许不用为好, more information can be got conveniently, thus the problems caused by children, such as juvenile delinquency, mental problem, suicide, is obviously这里要一个形容词.能获得更多的信息，所以孩子的问题就很显然，逻辑关系似乎有些勉强，显然有两种：孩子问题越来越多，自然就显然了；或者传播的快，那所有人知道也是显然，这里没说清楚。 Some people blamed this situationof lacking socialized education to children and they said if this situation continues our future would become no brightness. Such a 这里的a不要吧？conclusion seems not exactly right as I concerned.

What is socializing? One paraphrase is that it means children need to inherit the traditional rules and make adaption. Thus the traditional rules and adaption would control能否从上句话中孩子要inherit，得出它们会控制，两个动词之间的因果关系不是很明朗 children`s actions and behaviors. After learning what they can do while others cannot problems will not exist any longer and can bring a bright and better life in the future这句话缺少论证，后文也没有针对这句话有所论述，感觉这样的结论式的句子没有论证显得突兀.

Admittedly, children need socialize应为socialization since the language, history, the respect to others, the way behaviors to act and traditional culture need to inherit and there also nature sciences, social sciences is needed to learn根据上一段对社会化的定义，后半句没根据，知识不属于traditional rule吧？. One`s life去掉更通顺 cannot live without society and lack of socialize may result cannot fit成分乱了，result已经是谓语了，这里的 fit是什么？ in the society to many children and even cause many problems. The mass media often reports that one killed his teacher because his teacher punished him that he could not bear. Maybe he did not be taught how to socialize yet, so he did an action what he thinks right but actually wrong. From this point of view socialize应为动名词 is a really vital lesson need every child to learn你的TS好像有点跑题，题目第一句话说社会化决定社会命运，你在最后提出的是孩子需要社会化，对第一句话回应的不够。

From what I have discussed above, socialize, though, seems should be take for granted for it can bring such a big benefit to children. However, completely socialized children may also cause problems.转折句，但是和第二段的描述矛盾的，建议在上文做些暗示，否则有上下矛盾之感 As I paraphrased the definition of socialize above, they may educate to handle conservative rules. But the progress of a society could not live without进步不能生活/存活，不通吧？ objections. Since the socialized children can bear both the justice and injustice in the society they agree with every rule in the society and hardly come up disagreement, as a result they cannot promote the progress of society,少连词 better life would not emerge.诚然，现实、传统固然有injustice的一面，但若按照你的定义，challenge injustice或许也是传统呢？建议分类全面

Above all, our society do not need one with completely socialize for they are too conservative你的定义中socialize侧重于inherit，但继承并不必然导致守旧 and the去掉 one do not socialize at all for they may cause problems. Only the one who can basically adapt to the society and have the courage to change it can really bring a better society. For instance, the French were not resent to the society controlled by Louis XVI, they hold a revolution in 1789 and changed the destination of France; the people realized the important of peace after World War, the world entered into a long era of Cold War冷战似乎不算什么进步，当时一触即发的核战争不比二战更轻松. These progresses were launched by a group of people have the courage to change the society and also basically socialized这个怎么定义的？你的例子中如何体现了basically socialized？.

Socializing is a lesson does not easily to learn. Completely socialized children cannot be the mainstream to make progress to better life. While one without socialize may cause social problems yet and they also cannot be the main roles to give better life. Only ones who learn how to socialize basically and have ability to change the injustice of their temporary society can really benefit future life.

框架还是不错的，提纲看着也很合理，不过写出来可能上下有点矛盾，主要在complete和basically之间没做具体的区分，这样你的转折就显得是不是很合理。第二段论证的有点少，所以对题目的第一句话论述好像不是很充分。另外为什么socialize太过了就没有批判精神了呢？这个核心论点没有论证到
个人看法，说的有点乱...有不对的地方请告诉我，一起进步~！

yangfan88576638UID: 2588110

别说体罚，外国没有体罚，老师惩罚学生导致学生杀老师对老外来说不可思议。

ningbo1990UID: 2641538

3# yangfan88576638
谢谢你的提醒