Phoenix小组组员4号习作(ARGU2.11)

86145787UID: 2672301

ARGUMENT 6

The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

在Monroe建立爵士乐俱乐部将会是非常盈利的产业。当前，最近的爵士俱乐部也在65英里以外；因此，我们筹建的俱乐部C Note将会占有全部的本地市场。而且，爵士乐在Monroe非常流行：去年夏天10万多人参加了Monroe的爵士音乐节，若干知名爵士音乐家居住在Monroe，Monroe获评价最高的广播节目是平时每天播出的Jazz Nightly。最后，一项全国性研究表明典型的爵士爱好者每年花费近1000元用于爵士娱乐。显然C Note将会赚钱。


The applicant claims that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Because that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe and the study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to 1000 dollar per year on jazz entertainment, therefore the conclusion is simple made by the applicant that the club will be profitable. However, careful examination of this supporting evidence will reveal that it lends little credible evidence to the applicant's claim.

First of all, Applicant simple claims the jazz club would be profitable because the nearest jazz club in Monroe is 65 miles away. But if the jazz fans there just like the former jazz club where there are many people and musicians are familiar with, and it is possible that the jazz musicians in the former club is too fantastic to compete to for other musicians in the Monroe. So the new club will be definitely unprofitable. Although the residents will go the C-Note club, the number of residents who would attend would not as much as the assertion of applicant that the new club would have the local market all to itself. Because no evidence can assure that all the people who will go to the former club for jazz entertainment will attend in the C-Note club.

Secondly, although there were more than 100000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last year, the actually population who attended the jazz festival from Monroe is unknown. So the applicant's conclude of that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe lack credible supports. What's more, several well-known jazz musicians who live in Monroe also cannot prove that the jazz is popular there, because the number of the musicians cannot represent the number of the music fans. Finally, even the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is "Jazz Nightly", but the we do not know there are how many people will listen the radio program in the night, so it is totally reasonable to assume that the number of people who listen the radio is very small for that the contemporaries prefer TV shows than radio. Therefor the applicant put the conclusion that the jazz is popular in Monroe is totally no enough evidence.

Finally, the applicant claim that the C-Note cannot help but make money because of a nationwide study which indicates that the typical jazz pan spends close to 1000 dollar per year. But we do not know that whether the study is true. Even if it is true, the applicant also did not give us the number of jazz fan in Monroe, so the claim that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise need more credible evidences.

In conclusion, the loan applicant’s argument is not persuasive. To bolster it he must provide clearer evidence that Monroe residents would patronize the club on a regular basis.

ningbo1990UID: 2641538

The applicant claims that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Because that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe and the study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to 1,000 dollar per year on jazz entertainment, therefore the conclusion is simply made by the applicant that the club will be profitable. However, careful examination of this supporting evidence will reveal that it lends little credible evidence to the applicant's claim.
First of all, Applicant simpley claims the jazz club would be profitable because the nearest jazz club in Monroe is 65 miles away.(作者没有说nearest jazz club is 65 miles away是profitable的原因，它只是其中一个原因，作者是说nearest jazz club和爵士乐非常流行以及全国性调查共同导致了盈利，因此开头是不准确的。应该把applicant simply claims the jazz club would be profitable because 删掉或者加上修饰词使得其更严谨。)
But if the jazz fans there just like the former jazz club where there are many people and musicians are familiar with, and it is possible that the jazz musicians in the former club is too fantastic（LZ好热衷这个词。。）
to compete to for
with other musicians in the Monroe. So the new club will be definitely(ARGU中绝对的词少用。LZ不要情绪激动。) unprofitable. Although the residents will go the C-Note club, the number of residents who would attend would not as much as the assertion of applicant that the new club would have the local market all to itself. Because no evidence can assure that all the people who will go to the former club for jazz entertainment will attend in the C-Note club. （该段的重心应该放在65上面，LZ试想65英里远就代表jazz music club在monroe没有竞争然后十分盈利？也许交通很好，也许最近的爵士乐明星很出名等等。如果LZ要攻击profitable可以考虑攻击完65miles和爵士乐十分流行后一起攻击，更有说服力。）
Secondly（引用韦小亮一句话，土鳖！可以用moreover, furthermore, also等。）, although there were more than 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last year, the actually population who attended the jazz festival from Monroe is unknown. So the applicant's conclude of that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe lack credible supports. What's more, several well-known jazz musicians who live in Monroe also cannot prove that the jazz is popular there, because the number of the musicians cannot represent the number of the music fans. Finally（没有first哪里来finally？）, even the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is "Jazz Nightly", but the we do not know there are how many people will listen the radio program in the night, so it is totally reasonable to assume that the number of people who listen the radio is very small for that the contemporaries prefer TV shows than radio. Therefore the applicant put the conclusion that the jazz is popular in Monroe is totally no enough evidence.
Finally, the applicant claim that the C-Note cannot help but make money because of a nationwide study which indicates that the typical jazz pan spends close to 1，000 dollar per year. But we do not know that whether the study is true. Even if it is true, the applicant also did not give us the number of jazz fan in Monroe, so the claim that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise need more credible evidences.
In conclusion, the loan applicant’s argument is not persuasive. To bolster it he must provide clearer evidence that Monroe residents would patronize the club on a regular basis.


建议：
1：这篇文章的逻辑可以更好的组织，我会在下面列出我想的逻辑，不够完美，仅仅够参考。
2：ETS在官方指南中明确表示了写argument的要求，其中有一条是：
“You are not being asked to agree or being asked to comment on the thinking that underlies the position stated. You are not being asked to express your own views on the subject being discussed; instead, you are being asked to evaluate the logical soundness of an argument of another writer and, in doing so, to demonstrate the critical thinking, perceptive reading, and analytical writing skills that university faculty consider important for success in graduate school.”
因此，argument不是叫你挑出错误，LZ应当在挑出错误的同时给出几种可能的其他情况来反驳文章，注意用maybe等词。
3.我的思路：

1.全国调查未必辐射到M地区，从而M地区未必每年花$1000；

2.即使M地区花$1000,未必包含club的费用,恰恰花费在听radio program。

3.即使花在了club上面，去年夏天的情况未必延续到今年，可能流行其他形式的音乐，比如：country music, rock等。

4.即使可以持续到今年，未必马上就能盈利考虑到：成本，管理费用，品牌效益。

5.还有一些其他小错误：65miles away不代表M地区有市场等等。

86145787UID: 2672301

我还没有认真看过ETS的要求，the critical thinking, perceptive reading, and analytical writing skills ！谢谢！今后注意