Issue221 by 海王泪

海王泪UID: 2673613

TOPIC: ISSUE221 - "The chief benefit of the study of history is to break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history."
WORDS: 533à686      TIME: 00:45:00      DATE: 2010-2-12 20:57:17

Studying history is a bit like watching a sort of movies, which was a remake of an old classic with new stars but a similar script. Hanging around long enough, you would find inquiring history give a sense of internal coherence during human development. Breaking down the illusion that people are significant changed by time does serve as the benefit of the study of history; however, it is not the chief one because what people mainly want for history is the guidance from self-identity, basic functions and common trend.

Some people argue the history being told supports the claim that humans lived at a particular time are significantly different from those in other periods. For example, each generation eat differently, dress differently, move differently and talk differently. However, these people indeed fall into illusion because their views are limited by disruptive and temporal incidents.

One of the amazing graces in studying history is the internal coherence, which is distilled from various characters in human civilization. Although people have moved differently as transportation developed from horses, cars to aerotrains, they coherently enjoy higher speed. Although people eat in different manners with different food, they coherently need consuming enough and constructing healthy body. Although people have communicated with different tools originated from exchanging sound, painting pictures, writing letters to phoning, mailing cards, typing on Internet, human coherently wants for more information and more frequent interaction. Although people dress differently, we are coherently in pursuit of warmth and beauty. Such coherence can only be figured out by true understand and broader view of history, which needs logic and imagination to link up those chips of historical cases.

Admittedly, it is a beneficial function of history studies that to break down the illusion of significantly difference. People, especially scholars, naturally pursue simplicity and similarity due to perfectionism about paradigm, and thus satisfies the need of curiosity and empathy about humanity.
However, such pursuit is not the chief benefit of studying history, because most people inquire coherence for guidance. Breaking down illusion just serves as an effective medium to direction. In other words, what chiefly benefits people is that the study of history could bring guidance more easily if through inquiring coherence.

By comparison in history, people could more easily find their self-identity. Be a leader, or be a staff? Be a teacher, or be a scientist? They could choose a position after absorbing ample cases to see if their ability and personality suit. That is better than making a self decision emotionally and instinctively.

By comparison in history, people know clearly the basic functions their position should obey. Otherwise, they would be in great trouble. For instance, politicians should coherently see to citizens' benefits, hence those who abuse their authority would easily be put off by mass. Merchants, scientists, artists and other people could also learn lessons from predecessors in different period so they can better operate their social role with fewer problems.

By comparison in history, people could trace common trend of human development. Now, as then, creative technology of products or production brings powerhouses and threatens the survival of market leaders. Now, as then, a smaller device is displacing a big one. Now, as then, an individual or a company should find what correctly they should improve. Now, as then, staff in Apple Inc. learned and developed new techniques to further shrink a music player to a pocket one, like iPod. Due to its conformity to common trend, iPod has swept all over America, Europe and China.

In sum, studying human history is a bit like drawing an apple. We know a painter should observe many apples varied from color, size, shape and other characters so as to construct a simple, collective and perfect model in mind. Thus he or she can finally tell what exactly an apple is and draw an appropriate one he or she wants. The chief benefit of the study of history is to find internal coherence, including self-identity, basic functions and common trend, of human development to correctly promote each person to a better human, and therefore drives society to a better world.

plukaUID: 2721764

TOPIC: ISSUE221 - "The chief benefit of the study of history is to break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history."
WORDS: 533686      TIME: 00:45:00      DATE: 2010-2-12 20:57:17

Studying history is a bit like watching a sort of（似冗赘） movies, which was(is?虚拟语气么，对这处的语法不熟悉) a remake of an old classic with new stars but a similar script. Hanging around long enough, you would find （+that）inquiring history give a sense of internal coherence during human development. Breaking down the illusion that people are significant changed by time does serve as the benefit of the study of history; however, it is not the chief one because what people mainly want for history is the guidance from self-identity, basic functions and common trend.（不太理解这个from是什么意思，人们从历史中寻找来自self-identity, basic functions and common trend的指导？那指导到底是来自历史还是来自那三项？另外，basic funtions到底是啥？）

Some people argue （+that，宾语从句的that不可以省略吧）the history being told（似冗赘） supports the claim that humans（human）
lived at a particular time are significantly different from those in other periods.（私以为文中不要过多复制题目比较好。这句与首段the illusion that…句让我觉得老是重述题目，不够简练） For example, each generation eat differently, dress differently, move（behave） differently and talk differently. However, these people indeed fall into illusion because their views are limited by disruptive and temporal incidents.（disruptive and temporal incidents是啥？是上文提到的穿着言行举止等吗？感觉上是有点temporal的意味，但总觉不甚贴切。大概是因为disruptive and temporal这个概念大而严肃，让我下意识地觉得应该衬什么王朝更迭政权交替之类的“大事”= =|||）（此段从结构上看是总-分-转，一般而言转的部分会放到下一段去当首句，但确实也有放在上段的末句承上启下的。看个人喜好和处理方式吧。）

One of the amazing graces in studying history is the internal coherence, which is distilled from various characters in human civilization. Although people have moved differently as transportation(+method) developed from horses, cars to aerotrains, they coherently enjoy higher speed. Although people eat in different manners with different food, they coherently need consuming enough and constructing healthy body（这个不算是人性的连续，只是生物本能吧？那个internal coherence指的是偏人性吗？）. Although people have communicated with different tools originated from(ranging from？) exchanging sound, painting pictures, writing letters to phoning, mailing cards, typing on Internet, human coherently wants for more information and more frequent interaction. Although people dress differently, we are coherently in pursuit of warmth and beauty. Such coherence can only be figured out by true understanding and broader view of history, which（指代何处？） needs logic and imagination to link up those chips of historical cases.（本段提出的几个internal conherence偏向

Admittedly, it（指代是啥？） is a beneficial function of history studies that to break down the illusion of significantly difference.（又出现了，重复题目） People, especially scholars, naturally pursue simplicity and similarity due to perfectionism about paradigm, and thus satisfies the need of curiosity and empathy about humanity.（这就是benefits么？似乎有些对不上。这种natural pursuit似乎是历史打破幻觉的原因，而非打破之后的好处。到底有啥好处？没有说。）

However, such pursuit is not the chief benefit of studying history, because most people inquire coherence for guidance（这句的逻辑看得让人不太懂。揭露coherence不是主要的benefits，因为主要的benefits是从coherence中找到的guidance？那么最终这个chief benefits不还是从coherence中来的吗？）（如果说guidance不止来自coherence也来自difference，那么应该会好些）. Breaking down illusion just serves as an effective medium to direction. In other words, what chiefly benefits people is that the study of history could bring guidance more easily if through inquiring coherence.

By comparison in history, people could more easily find their self-identity.（这又是一个新观点！可是上一个观点还没发展完——还没发展——呢！） Be a leader, or be a staff? Be a teacher, or be a scientist? They could choose a position after absorbing ample cases to see if their ability and personality suit. That is better than making a self decision emotionally and instinctively.（这个例子值得考虑。首先，职业=self-identity？私以为self-identity这个概念严肃而深入，用职业来做例子似乎有些高射炮打蚊子）（另，self-identity能够跟guidance联系起来吗？感觉不是很直接。或者就是另起一个观点？这样显得割裂）

By comparison in history, people know clearly the basic functions their position should obey.（obey functions?这个搭配似乎有问题。Obey rules/disciplines？） Otherwise, they would be in great trouble. For instance, politicians should coherently see to citizens' benefits, hence those who abuse their authority would easily be put off by（+the） mass. Merchants, scientists, artists and other people could also learn lessons from predecessors in different period so they can better operate their social role with fewer problems.（这段讲的偏向于职业道德问题，但主题句显得模糊。另外，职业道德是如何跟历史联系起来的？论述得不明显。文中只提到一个“coherently”，没有扯到历史啊）

By comparison in history, people could trace common trend of human development. Now, as then, creative technology of products or production brings powerhouses and threatens the survival of market leaders（何意?）. Now, as then, a smaller device is displacing a big one. Now, as then, an individual or a company should find what correctly they should improve. Now, as then, staff in Apple Inc. learned and developed new techniques to further shrink a music player to a pocket one, like iPod. Due to its conformity to common trend, iPod has swept all over America, Europe and China.（这些东西都是历史中来的吗？跟历史有啥关系？没有论述清楚。这后两段似乎都偏离了“历史”这一主题）（此段主题句说的是common trend of human development。但是发展部分举的内容却没能看出什么human development来，倒不如说是technology development。私以为这是本篇文章中一个比较明显的缺憾：主题句喜欢用大词大概念，什么self-identity, inner coherence, human development之类，但是后面的内容却接得过窄，两相对应，读起来不太妥帖。）

In sum, studying human history is a bit like drawing an apple. We know a painter should observe many apples varied from color, size, shape and other characters so as to construct a simple, collective and perfect model in mind. Thus he or she can finally tell what exactly an apple is and draw an appropriate one he or she wants. The chief benefit of the study of history is to find internal coherence, including self-identity, basic functions and common trend, of human development to correctly promote each person to a better human, and therefore drives society to a better world.（本文又一个让我觉得不妥的地方：coherence到底是不是主要的chief benefits?如果不是，那么是direction?可是按作者的说法，directions也是来自coherence，那么归根芥蒂还是coherence……）（若从这末段来看，我会认为你是赞同题目论述的。毕竟，coherence不就很接近breaking down illusion么，而且你还说了这是chief benefit。但是再看开头——是反对题目的，反对breaking down是chief benefits。。。。。。）

建议是：1、进一步明确自己的观点。2、在论述的时候要切题，让各段内容配得上主题句，并且联系到“历史”。3、观点其实不需要这么多，本文列了不少个段落，但可惜都没有说透。如果发展得好，两三个也就够了。
颜色没显示出来,附上WORD~

qisaimanUID: 2703629

拜读大作，厉害厉害。希望能加到精华里

ringtailbunnyUID: 2579853

小螃蟹改的很认真，赞一个。
我说下我的看法。
1.不要可以为了追求用词而用词。用词是为了更准确。莫本末倒置
2.你文章里没有起承转合的概念啊。虽然我看的出来你的思路，可是rater能不能看懂就不好说了。
3.你第一段里面提出来的论点和你后面试图说明的其实不一样，你想想是不是。小螃蟹就是受你第一段的影响导致全篇都看的很痛苦。第一段，想清楚，表达清楚。
4.刚刚还说自己飘逸。看完你的文章，太飘逸了。观点一放，了事，走人。。我有个牛人同学也是写8段论，背景，正，反，反，反，合，本质，散。不过他文章有侧重，反中两段详细论证，一段带过，我觉得比你的结构每段都说一点都不说清楚的结构要好。同时那人45分钟作文一般在1000词左右，所以，如果你不能。。还是少点论点的好

海王泪UID: 2673613

回应楼上各位，谢谢你们的点评。我只能说，我真的很糟糕，连自己想什么东西都想不清楚，连话也说不清楚。
这篇文章是我的第二篇习作，第一篇更糟糕。。。

先将自己过去的这个思路写出来，然后请大家再狠命的拍，看能否找到我思维模式Ingrained的问题。

一、History能否Breakdown Illusion？
【回答】History有能力Breakdown Illusion
1.1[让步]衣食住行明明就有不同的Characters
1.2[驳斥]不同Characters当中有Coherence


二、Breakdown illusion是否是学习历史的Benefit？
【回答】Breakdown Illusion=Find Coherence，这是学习历史的好处。
因为有些人就是通过学习历史追求simplicity and similarity。

三、Breakdown illusion是否是学习历史的Chief Benefit？
【回答】Coherence不是Chief benefit，它只是个媒介，最终是为了得到Guidance，Guidance是Chief Benefit
Coherence划分成identity，function, trend
3.1 来自身份定位的Guidance
3.2 来自角色功能的Guidance
3.3 来自历史潮流的Guidance

简而言之，就是这么一个关系，但我没说清楚。
History-->Coherence（identity,function,trend）-->Guidance

------------------------------
分割线（个人问题）
------------------------------
问题1：为什么把东西搞得那么复杂？还是说，根本就是Chaos!
问题2：起承转合要如何做得更好？

谢谢大家花时间来看我篇废文，感谢GRE，感谢寄托，让我有机会重新审视自己的思维。
不过这篇文章，我是不会再按这个思路的了。。以后会重想重写。。
但还是希望有人能够指出我根深蒂固的思维问题。。。

这是10天前的文章。直到10天后的今天，我已经反思过很多了，也在努力地让思路变简单，变简洁。
而且，我还有15天。我还是能够改变很多事情的。对不？
我会努力着的，本来就是一介菜鸟一介草民，但看着能够短时间如此大的进步，我很是欣慰。
我会继续努力的！现在在关键是让思路变简单，变清晰，变简洁，并且不OFF TOPIC。。

p.s.关于那些大词，我会好好反省为什么我非得要想个词去代表自己的意思，而恰恰那个词却又过大过于模糊。。存在严重的歧义。

ringtailbunnyUID: 2579853

我其实读出来你的意思了。不过你自己还是要写清楚的。不然会悲剧的。。。特别是第一段和后面的一定要对上号。没太多能说的，能说的我都说了。

ringtailbunnyUID: 2579853

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1064612-1-1.html
我的issue，最近几天觉得越写越回去了。苦闷啊。。