独立作文帖 by 米

eejchenUID: 2225156

2.24  To be well-informed people should get information from many different information sources.8 `#
Many people believe that to be well-informed, one should get information from many different information sources. To some extend, it's true because various information sources of course will bring you many different information. However, since there is Internet nowadays, I don not agree that one should find many sources to get information.

First of all, different sources of information do provide people with many information. Through watching the television and reading newspaper and magazine,  we get many information like the policies of the government, the weather of tomorrow and the fashional style of clothes next season. It is important for us to find as many sources of information to be well-informed. However, we can find all these information once we get a computer and internet. Is it really essential to find many different information sources to get information? If we can get what we need from one source, the internet, it is Ok, at least for me.

In addition, you can find almost any information on the Internet. In the 20th century, science and technology have developed significantly along with the rapid improvement in our society, especially the invent of computers and internet. There are a huge amout of websites which supply web search, like google, mircrosoft, yahoo so on and so forth. Therefore, if you want to find some particular information, what you need to do is inputing the key words of the thing you want to know, and clicking on the "Enter" button. The results will be there.

Furthermore, surfing on the internet, we can get something we do not expected for. Take my brother for example, he got an information about a project in Tsinghua university on casual, which he interested in for a long time. He applied for the project and fortunately be accepted. It was really a surprise for all of us.

From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that to be a well-informed person, one can relay on the high technology product,the internet, instead of many informational sources.
先把最初稿发出来，回头再修改再发，杯具啊……第一篇作文……

eejchenUID: 2225156

修改后的帖：请指教……
Many people believe that to be well-informed, one should get information from many different information sources. To some extend, it's true because various information sources of course will bring you many different information. However, since there is Internet nowadays, I don not agree that one should find many sources to get information.

First of all, different sources of information do provide people with many information. Through watching the television and reading newspaper and magazines,  we get many information like the policies of the government, the weather of tomorrow and the fashional style of clothes next season. It is important for us to find as many sources of information to be well-informed. However, we can find all these information once we get a computer and internet. Is it really essential to find many different information sources to get information? If we can get what we need from one source, the internet, is it still necessary for us to find other information sources like newspaper or magazines? As far as i am concerned, this is not a mission essential.

In addition, you can find almost any information on the Internet. In the 20th century, science and technology have developed significantly along with the rapid improvement in our society, especially the invent of computers and internet. There are a huge amount of websites which supply web search, like google, mircrosoft, yahoo so on and so forth. Therefore, if you want to find some particular information, like one wants to find information about Aquarium in Atlanta, what he or she needs to do is inputing the key words"Aquarium, Atlanta" and clicking on the "Enter" button. The results will be there on the screen.

Furthermore, surfing on the internet, people can get some information they do not expected for. Take my brother for example, he got an information about a project in Tsinghua university on casual, which he interested in for a long time. He applied for the project. Fortunately, he  was accepted and given an assistant research position. It was really a surprise for all of us.

From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that to be a well-informed person, one can relay on the high technology product, the internet, instead of many information sources.

eejchenUID: 2225156

2月25号 （07.10.20）1 t! y% d+ E0 }6 Y, h2 p5 Y8 ^
Some people think one's working is more important than being with one's family.%
Nowadays, people are becoming increasingly concerned to their work along with the rapidly development of our society. There is no denying that work plays an essential role in one's life and people work hard to have a better life. However, does that mean work is the most important thing in one's life? in other words, is working more important than being with one's family? As far as I am concerned, the answer is absolutely not.
No doubt that work is important in people's life. Without working, one cannot live by himself or herself, not to mention to devote themselves to the society. Because working creates fortune, with which people could make improvement of the society. Take Bill Gates for example, he sets up a company, Microsoft, which brings much development to our society. People can surf the internet, find information about the outside world and even make trades online. It also brings many job opportunities for people. Only with the development of our society can people have the chance to live a better life. People are now living a happy life with enough food and other substances compared with people many years ago, who lived a miserable life with the danger of starvation and exposure.
Though work do play an important role in people's life, it is not more important than being with one's family. No one can deny that family is the most essential aspect in one's life because people live with his or her family since he or she was born. Parents bring the children up and teach them to be a good person. They also give the children spiritual and substancial support. People might have friends and colleges at work. However,who they need most is their family, the ones who care them most, especially when they are frustrated. I would like to call my mom when I face some setbacks in my life and she always says some sweet words to calm me down and help me find some solutions to the problem and they really work.
Being with one's family is the goal of people's life. Just think about a simple question: What are we working for? For majority of people, the answer is obvious, for the family. Being with family is the aim or the goal of our life. People work hard all day long even work overtime to make money to improve the quality of their lives, to enjoy their time with family. Therefore, they can take their family to go abroad and have a nice trip. Being with family is the happiest time for most of people.
From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that being with family is more important than other aspects of one's life like working because people work for being with their family.

john_332UID: 2741978

Nowadays, people are becoming increasingly concerned to their work along with the rapidly development of our society. There is no denying that work plays an essential role in one's life and people work hard to have a better life. However, does that mean work is the most important thing in one's life? in other words, more important than being with one's family? As far as I am concerned, the answer is absolutely not.(很连贯流畅)
No doubt that work is important in people's life. Without working, one cannot live by himself or herself, not to mention to devote themselves to the society. Because working creates fortune, with which people could make improvement of (个人觉得contribute to 更好)the society. Take Bill Gates for example, he set up a company, Microsoft, which brings much development (觉得benifit更好)to our society. People can surf the internet and find information about the outside world and even make trades online. It also brings many job opportunities for people. Only with the development of our society can people have the chance to live a better life. People are now living a happy life with enough food and other substances compared with people many years ago, who live a miserable life with the danger of starvation and exposure.(行文整体感觉很爽，连贯，表达也很地道准确)
Though work do play an important role in people's life, it is not more important than being with one's family. No one can deny that family is the most essential aspect in one's life because people live with his or her family since he or she was born. Parents bring the children up and teach them to be a good(用independent) person. They also give the children spiritual and substance support. People might have friends and colleges at work. However,who they need most is their family, the ones who care them most, (前面这句读起来有点纠结)especially when they are frustrated(靓词). I would like to call my mom when I face some setbacks (好词)in my life and she always says some sweet words to calm me down and help me find some solutions to the problem and they really work.(我觉得...she always be there for me and support me all the way即可)
Being with one's family is the goal of people's life. Just think about a simple question: What are you working for? For majority of people, the answer is obvious, for the family. Being with family is the aim or the goal (可以考虑a warm family is the final purpose and ultimate pursuit)of our life. People work hard all day long even work overtime to make money to improve the quality(living standards/condition) of their lives, to enjoy their time with family. So they can take their family to go abroad and have a nice trip. (看来出国的愿望非常强烈啊，嘿嘿)Being with family(being with family句式有点重复) is the happiest time (moment) for most of people.
From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that being with family is more important than other aspects of one's life like working because people work for being with their family.


总体感觉语言简练，流畅， 几乎没有语法和句式错误，个别短语和词组用得很地道，是我学习的榜样....呵呵

eejchenUID: 2225156

谢谢舜的评改，获益匪浅，我确实在词语的多样性和是否贴切上面有很大欠缺，舜的修改很是恰当，谢谢！

eejchenUID: 2225156

2月26号 （09.2.21）
Newspapers and magazines are the best way of learning about a foreign country.

Nowadays, along with the increasingly important international connection, people are becoming much more concern about not only their own country, but also foreign countries. Therefore, they need to find some ways to learn about foreign countries. Some people believe that newspapers and magazines are the best way, however, other people might hold the opposite opinion. From my point of view, newspapers and magazines are absolutely not the best way to get information about the world.
First of all, there are large numbers of methods to know what happened all over the world, like the TV programs and Internet. Newspapers and magazines do provide much information about the domestic and foreign countries for many years, especially twenty years ago, when other medias were not improved to become so popular. Nonetheless, we live in the 21th century, the information age, when people are access to information much more easily than before. People can watch the TV programs to know the information all over the world as soon as the incidents happened. Take Obama, the man who was elected to be president of the United States for example, there was an live broadcast on TV. Therefore, people in my country knew the news very quickly. This efficiency cannot be obtained by newspapers and magazines.
In addition, people can go abroad to have a nice trip and learn about a foreign country. It provides an vivid impression of the country to them. Before I came to Atlanta, I cannot imagine that the sky is so blue in a sunny day and the majority of people here are so nice. I learn about people's life style here and make some good international friends. I cannot imagine all of these experiences if i just stay at my country and read the newspapers and magazines. No doubt that being there is a good way to learn about a foreign country.
From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that although reading newspapers and magazines are good ways to learn about a foreign country, there are many better ways to know about other countries and people there.

john_332UID: 2741978

Newspapers and magazines are the best way of learning about a foreign country.

Nowadays, along with(用法很好) the increasingly (靓词) important international connection(interaction between nations更好), people are becoming much more concern about not only their own country, but also foreign countries. Therefore, they need to find some ways to learn about foreign countries. Some people believe that newspapers and magazines are the best way, however, other people might hold the opposite opinion. From my point of view, newspapers and magazines are absolutely not the best way to get information about the world.
(米的文章还是流畅，几乎没有错的，但是个人觉得前几句比较冗长，比如简单翻译过来就是：“他们需要方法去了解外国，一些人相信A和B是最好的方式，但是其他人持反对的意见，在我看来，A和B肯定不是最好的方法”，读起来感觉把题目抄写了两遍)
First of all, there are large numbers of methods to know what happened all over the world, like the TV programs and Internet. Newspapers and magazines do provide much information about the domestic(高级靓词) and foreign countries for many years, especially twenty years ago, when other medias were not improved to become so popular. Nonetheless, we live in the 21th century, the information age, when people are access to (are able to access可能更好)information much more easily(easier ?) than (than后面加个ever,不太确定语法是否准确，但是感觉更强烈)before. People can watch the TV programs to know the information all over the world as soon as the incidents happened. (个人觉得前句可以这样写：People can watch the TV programs to know the latest progress about an event in other side of the world /如果想表达TV信息传递得快可以这么整：People can get the latest updates via TV in the next minutes after an incidents happened )Take Obama,(哇！米，我们怎么都想到了obama,哈哈，what are the odds!) the man who was (has been? 愿共同探讨 )elected to be(缺the ?) president of the United States for example, there was an live broadcast on TV. Therefore, people in my country knew the news very quickly. This efficiency cannot be obtained by newspapers and magazines.(最后这个总结落到了前面提到的point上，不错，在强调TV信息传递的快的特点时，可以大胆尝试synchronize,simultaneously等出彩的词汇来impress 考官,可能米会觉得我这个想法很stupid，呵呵 )In addition, people can go abroad to have a nice trip and learn about a foreign country. It provides an vivid impression (vivid用得太好了，惊艳! 崇拜中...)of the country to them. Before I came to Atlanta, I cannot imagine that the sky is so blue in a sunny day and the majority of people here are so nice. I learn about people's life style here and make some good (我想用cultivate good relations with...)international friends. I cannot imagine all of these experiences if i just stay at my country and read the newspapers and magazines. (上句个人认为如果想表达体验的深刻可以这么来表达：Needless to say,I can never get the experience if I just stay at home and read the newspapers or magazines，如果想表达两者的差距可以这么表达：Yet,a understanding by reading the newspapers and magazines can never compete with the physical experience I enjoyed on
the spot.  纯属个人意见 )No doubt that being there is a good way to learn about a foreign country. From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that although reading newspapers and magazines are good ways to learn about a foreign country, there are many better ways to know about other countries and people there.

整篇文章还是一如既往的流畅，有很多的亮点，而且几乎零出错是一个很大的优势。有很多我值得学习的地方。
我的能力有限，可能有的想法，改法比较偏激，建议找更高层次的牛人指点来获得一个全新的突破和提升。

happyfaith2008UID: 2709856

3# eejchen

我没有指出语言上的毛病，本身我自己遣词造句的能力就不强。
稍微做了一些逻辑上的建议。希望对你有用。

john_332UID: 2741978

我看了楼上03对米改的作文，站在一定的高度对结构和逻辑进行了细致的分析，
值得我好好思考一下，的确词汇，句型上的修改也只是小修小补，一篇好的文章
需要一个清晰的结构，严密的逻辑，突出的中心才能使整篇文章既有骨架，又有灵魂

今天看到名师点拨了，恩，思考回味中...

eejchenUID: 2225156

谢谢舜和03对我作文的评改！的确受益匪浅！
舜给了我很多语言上的启示，的确，我的语言是很需要锤炼的……
03从构思和逻辑上给了很好的建议，非常感谢！要是我自己看怎么都不会看出来这些问题的……
鞠躬……

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Many people believe that to be well-informed, one should get information from many different information sources. To some extent, it's true because various information sources of course will bring you many different kinds of information ('information' is not countable, therefore you can't say 'many information'.). However, since there is the Internet nowadays, I don not agree that one should find many sources to get information.

First of all, different sources of information do provide people with many information (See the comment about 'many information' in the first paragraph. Such a fundamental mistake is acceptable if it's occasional, but if repeated like this, it will tarnish your essay quite a bit because it doesn't match with the level of language command you're showing throughout the essay, i.e. you're not consistent. I'm not going to highlight all such occurences but please make sure you are aware of it.). Through watching the television and reading newspapers and magazines,  we get many information like the policies of the government, the weather of tomorrow and the fashional styles of clothes the next season. It is important for us to find as many sources of information to be well-informed. However, we can find all these information once we get a computer and the internet (Actually, you don't really need a computer to access the Internet. There's mobile phone surfing, for example.). Is it really essential to find many different information sources to get information? If we can get what we need from one source, the internet, is it still necessary for us to find other information sources like newspapers or magazines? As far as i am concerned, this is not a mission essential. (This is a good point. However, being the picky reader I am, I'd refute you by pointing out that information on the Internet is originally from different sources - different news agencies, different magazines, different users around the world. The Internet itself does not generate any information. It's merely a centralized place where information from different sources can be accessed and exchanged. Do you then still consider that a single source of information? Something for you to think about. I'm not saying what you've written is not correct, but do consider how you can phrase yourself in a well-rounded manner so there's little room for counter-argument.)

In addition, you can find almost any information on the Internet. In the 20th century, science and technology have developed significantly along with the rapid improvements in our society, especially the invention of computers and the internet. There are a huge amount number of websites which supply provide web search capabilities, like google, mircrosoft, yahoo, so on and so forth. Therefore, if you want to find some particular information, like one wants to find information about Aquariums in Atlanta ('like' can only head phrases. If you need to attach a full sentence, use 'for example'.), what he or she you needs to do is inputting the keywords "Aquarium, Atlanta" and clicking on the "Enter" button (Ahh, my speciality - user interface...Just a piece of information about this: in most web search engines now, the button will NOT say 'Enter', but 'Search', or 'Web Search', because 'Enter' is meant for inputting data into a web form, not for searching. 'Search' is what a user wants to do with a search engine.). The results will be there on the screen. (And? How does this illustrate that people can get well-informed by using the Internet alone? Is 'getting all the search results' the same as 'getting well-informed about aquariums in Atlanta'?)

Furthermore, surfing on the internet, people can get some information they do not expected for. Take my brother for example, he got an information about a project in Tsinghua university on casual?, which he was interested in for a long time. He applied for the project. Fortunately, he  was accepted and given an assistant research position. It was really a surprise for all of us. (And AGAIN, how does this illustrate that people get well-informed through the Internet? Being well-informed certainly doesn't only mean that a person knows about things that he/she does 'not expect'.)

From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that to be a well-informed person, one can relay on the high technology product, the internet, instead of many information sources.

总结：

你的语法主要是单复数的问题。注意如果一篇文章的语句词汇用得很高，但同样的语法错误重复出现的话，会被认为是inconsistency的表示，就是说你对基本语法的实际掌握和你使用的句型和词汇的程度不相称。

逻辑方面，第一个论点段很好，但后面完全就没有集中在题目上来写。其实你的例子都是很合适的，但是你完全没有能够从例子中做出和题目相关的有力论述，为什么，因为你的主论点是internet就够让人well-informed，这没错，但是写到第二和第三个分论点的时候从你的论点句就可以看出关键字变成了internet + information，well-informed已经完全被你忽略了。议论文不是说你想出几个和题目里面的一两个字有关的论点和例子就可以了，随时要注意你的论点句和整个题目之间的联系是什么，有没有清楚地让读者看到这个分论点是怎么推出你的主论点。这样。

eejchenUID: 2225156

谢谢企鹅mm！评论得非常好，直接点出了我的问题所在，后面的确有点偏题了，以后一定注意！
另外，词汇的恰当使用也是我的一个缺陷，还是功力不够哈！得多加练习！

花天狂骨UID: 2679948

童鞋能不能帮我改一下作文啊，我对逻辑方面也很寒。。。 8# happyfaith2008

eejchenUID: 2225156

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most people prefer having other people make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves。
As we all know that many people prefer having other people make decisions for them. However, other people might hold the opposite attitude, they want to make decisions by themselves. As far as I am concerned, I don not agree that most people prefer the former for the following reasons:
To begin with, making decisions by oneself is a sign of independence. Believe it or not, people tend to make decisions by themselves since they are very young. Most of us may still remember that when we were in our teenage,  we would like to choose what we liked to decorate our bedroom. For instance, we might choose the picture of a main character in Disney cartoon, like snow white, to hang on the wall. We might choose some pictures of our favorite movie stars also. There are many other examples like this. It is a kind of independence. We all want to be independent people, or we will lose respects of our peers. Therefore, as independent people, we like to make decisions by ourselves.
In addition, we learn a lot by making decisions by ourselves. Making decisions is a difficult task sometimes because we might make wrong decisions. Nevertheless, we can learn much from making decisions. In one place, let's say, as a manager, to make right decision, he needs to do research on the whole background, analyze the statistics and discuss with other experienced people. By doing this, he gets to know almost all aspects of the problem. These is good for improving his ability to handle those kind of problems. In the other place, if he makes a wrong decision, he can still learn from it. He can find the reason why he made a wrong decision and what did he miss in making that decision. Therefore, he will not make wrong decisions like this next time. In one word, making decision contribute greatly to one's ability in dealing with problems. People should make decisions by themselves to improve their capability.   
In sum, making decisions by oneself has many advantages. As smart people, we would like to make decisions by ourselves.

zhisnoopyUID: 2703722

As we all know that many people prefer having other people make decisions for them. However, other people might hold the opposite attitude, so,they want to make decisions by themselves. As far as I am concerned, I don't agree that most people prefer the former one for the following reasons:
To begin with, making decisions by oneself is a signal of independence. Believe it or not, people tend to make decisions by themselves since they were very young. Most of us may still remember that when we were in our teenages,  we would like to choose what we liked to decorate our bedroom. For instance, we might select the picture of a main character in Disney cartoon, like snow white, to hang it on the wall. We might choose some pictures of our favorite movie stars as well. There are many other examples like this. It is a kind of independence. We all want to be independent people, or we will lose respects of our peers. Therefore, as independent people, we like to make decisions by ourselves.
In addition, we learn a lot about making decisions by ourselves. Making decisions is a difficult task sometimes because we might make wrong decisions, nevertheless, we can learn much from this. In one place, let's say, as a manager, to make right decision, he needs to do research on the whole background, analyze the statistics and discuss with other experienced people. By doing this, he gets to know almost all aspects of the problem. This is good for improving his ability to handle those kinds of problems. In the other place, if he makes a wrong decision, he can still learn from it. He can find the reason that accounts for this imstake, and what did he miss in making that decision. Therefore, the same mistake can be ignored in the next time. In one word, making decision contributes greatly to one's ability in dealing with problems. It is essential for everyone to make decisions by themselves in order to improve their capabilities.   : H& x5 |2 o5 H
In sum, making decisions by oneself has many advantages. As smart people, it is necessary for us to make decisions by ourselves.

PS.第一次改作文，也不知道是不是这样改，当然了，也不知道改的对不对。首先，我自己对这个题目的思路就还不是很清楚，楼主的这个essay，主线还是很清晰的，然后，我改动的地方，有些并不是有错误，只是我觉得用词重复的比较多，所以做了下调整~~~~~anyway,大家轻点砸吧~~~~