ISSUE 130 我的第一篇啦，求哪位好心人帮忙改改呀

dyh2908UID: 2736761

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
The speaker's statement seems to be contradictory to the practical experiences. As far as I am concerned, this point of view overestimates the importance of children's socialization while underestimates the contributions made by our young generation.

Socialization can be defined as the process of inheriting norms, customs and ideologies of the present society. During this process, children
acquire the knowledge and habits that are essential for them to be a member of their own society. It is universally acknowledged that  
every society is unique in their values, traditions, social roles and moral codes. Therefore socialization enables the next generation
to blend in their own society To be more specific ,they can build up their own social networks,thus have more friends, and benifit their future
career.

Admittedly, socialization of children is of some importance, however, it may be a little specious to conclude that it can hinge the development of the whole society. The progress of the society,in itself, can be determined by many aspects, such as science and technology, literature and art as well as education and politics and so on. These factors altogether consist of an integrate society. Generally speaking, such vital factors sometimes hardly result from the children's socialization.Van Gogh was a brilliant Dutch painter, the father of modern art,whose works featured with vivid colour and intensive emotions, influenced numerous artists and ordianary people. However, his success can hardly be connected with socilization,given the fact that he suffered mental illness through his lifetime and almost had no friends. Now that socilization is not sufficient to decide one person's greatness, how can it be sufficient to be the key of the greatness of one society.

On the other hand, what are happening around us ,again,cast doubt on the other part of the statement that we have not yet to find a way to educate children for a better society. Looking around, no one should deny that our young generation has become an indispensable force of the construction of our modern society. They are the pioneers when there occurs a disaster; they are the demonstraters when our envrionment gets worse; they are the fresh blood of the politics and business world. Their attitudes, their aspirations, their spirits and their wisdoms infuse energy and creativity to this world.The riches person in our time, Bill Gates, founded Microsoft,the leading company in the software market, only at the age of 20.Now the company's products have tremendously changed our living style and work patterns. Having beholding all these facts, how can the speaker insist on his incorrect statement? How can he be so blind towards the fruits of ou r education?

Children are our future,so we should not narrow down our responsiblity only to socialize them. Education has a wide range,in
which every aspect is vital to the cultivation of youth. Although faced with many problems at present, we should not neglect that we have achived a lot. This can be a strong motivation for the further progrss in the education of our next generation.

nannan6474UID: 2612196

The speaker's statement seems to be contradictory to the practical experiences. As far as I am concerned, this point of view overestimates the importance of children's socialization while underestimates the contributions made by our young generation.
第一段写得不错，直截了当
Socialization can be defined as the process of inheriting norms, customs and ideologies of the present society. During this process, children
acquire the knowledge and habits that are essential for them to be a member of their own society. It is universally acknowledged that every society is unique in their values, traditions, social roles and moral codes. Therefore socialization enables the next generation to blend in their own society To be more specific, they can build up their own social networks, thus have more friends, and benefit their future career.
第一段写的是高估了社会化的 重要性，这段的主题也很不明确，现是解释了社会化的定义，但是不能表明作者的态度，段末还写了支持社会化，让人很vague
Admittedly, socialization of children is of some importance, however, it may be a little specious to conclude that it can hinge the development of the whole society. The progress of the society, in itself, can be determined by many aspects, such as science and technology, literature and art as well as education and politics and so on. These factors altogether consist of an integrate society. Generally speaking, such vital factors sometimes hardly result from the children's socialization.（这句话语法有点问题，典型中式英语）Van Gogh was a brilliant Dutch painter, the father of modern art, whose works featured with vivid colour and intensive emotions, influenced numerous artists and ordianary（ordinary） people. However, his success can hardly be connected with socilization（socialization）, given the fact that he suffered mental illness through his lifetime and almost had no friends. Now that socilization is not sufficient to decide one person's greatness, how can it be sufficient to be the key of the greatness of one society.

On the other hand, what are happening around us ,again,cast（什么意思） doubt on the other part of the statement that we have not yet to find a way to educate children for a better society. Looking around, no one should deny that our young generation has become an indispensable force of the construction of our modern society. They are the pioneers when there occurs a disaster; they are the demonstraters when our envrionment gets worse;（这句话想表达什么？） they are the fresh blood of the politics and business world. Their attitudes, their aspirations, their spirits and their wisdoms infuse energy and creativity to this world.The riches person in our time, Bill Gates, founded Microsoft, the leading company in the software market, only at the age of 20.Now the company's products have tremendously changed our living style and work patterns. Having beholding all these facts, how can the speaker insist on his incorrect statement? How can he be so blind towards the fruits of ou r education?

Children are our future,so we should not narrow down our responsiblity only to socialize them. Education has a wide range,in
which every aspect is vital to the cultivation of youth. Although faced with many problems at present, we should not neglect that we have achived a lot. This can be a strong motivation for the further progrss in the education of our next generation.
最后一段总结得有点偏题了，应该联系上socialization 而不是只说教育，语言有点简单生硬还需提炼，逻辑不够清晰

dyh2908UID: 2736761

谢谢你的建议，祝你考试顺利，如果还需要互改的话，你可以直接回复到这个帖子下面

dyh2908UID: 2736761

2# nannan6474 谢谢你的意见，祝你考试顺利，如果还需要互改的话，你可以直接回到这个帖子下面

yueguangwanUID: 2769864

梵高的例子很精彩

dyh2908UID: 2736761

5# yueguangwan 呵呵，谢谢鼓励哈

菩提叶UID: 2750858

我在寄托上看到了你的这篇文章，简单说，这作为第一篇文章，写的很不错。我的第一篇要烂的多。你是3月19，咱俩时间上差不多。
我简要的说一些自己的看法，仅供你参考。
语言很流畅，不错。建议你以后写的时候，用专门的考试界面的软件来写。发上来改的时候，先用Word改一遍，因为Word有查错功能，尤其是错别字。错别字我就不改了。
标点的格式：这句话结束了紧跟标点，没有空格。标点后面有一个空格。逗号，句号都是这样的。

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
你的观点是逐个批驳，先说前半截，socialized有一定的重要性，但没那么重要。
又说的后半截，我们已经能够教育孩子们了，用的盖茨的例子。
1. 有点重要性。2.没那么重要到阻碍社会发展的程度。3.我们已经能够教育孩子了。
The speaker's statement seems to be contradictory to the practical experiences. As far as I am concerned, this point of view overestimates the importance of children's socialization while underestimates the contributions made by our young generation.
开头的简洁很不错，但是要能涵盖全篇。你的观点好像没有包含你对题目后半截的看法，就是开头没包括盖茨那段的观点。你的中心句包括了2，或者说1和2. 但是while 后面的部分文中并没有涉及。

Socialization can be defined as the process of inheriting norms, customs and ideologies of the present society. During this process, children
acquire the knowledge and habits that are essential for them to be a member of their own society. It is universally acknowledged that  
every society is unique in their values, traditions, social roles and moral codes. Therefore socialization enables the next generation
to blend in their own society To be more specific, they can build up their own social networks,thus have more friends, and benifit their future
career.总的来讲，这段写的不是很好。按照你的想法，是想表达socialize有一定的好处，但是没有提出一个明确的观点，论证的逻辑也不是很清晰。

Admittedly,这个词用在这里不恰当，可以直接although,承上启下 socialization of children is of some importance, however, it may be a little specious to conclude that it 这个词指代不明，应该是孩子们没有socialize，can hinge the development of the whole society. The progress of the society,in itself, can be determined by many aspects, such as science and technology, literature and art as well as education and politics and so on. These factors altogether consist of an integrate society. Generally speaking, such vital factors sometimes hardly result from the children's socialization.Van Gogh was a brilliant Dutch painter, the father of modern art,whose works featured with vivid colour and intensive emotions, influenced numerous artists and ordianary people. However, his success can hardly be connected with socilization,given the fact that he suffered mental illness through his lifetime and almost had no friends. Now that socilization is not sufficient to decide one person's greatness, how can it be sufficient to be the key of the greatness of one society. 你的文章里有一些问句，设问句，反问句这些句子要慎用，而且尽量不要用这么多。梵高的例子的确不错，很贴切。

On the other hand, what are happening around us ,again这个词没必要,cast doubt on the other part of the statement that we have not yet to find a way to educate children for a better society. Looking around, no one should deny that our young generation has become an indispensable force of the construction of our modern society. They are the pioneers when there occurs a disaster; they are the demonstraters demonstrators when our envrionment gets worse; they are the fresh blood of the politics and business world. Their attitudes, their aspirations, their spirits and their wisdoms infuse energy and creativity to this world.The riches person in our time, Bill Gates, founded Microsoft,the leading company in the software market, only at the age of 20.Now the company's products have tremendously changed our living style and work patterns. Having beholding all these facts, how can the speaker insist on his incorrect statement? How can he be so blind towards the fruits of ou r education? 比尔盖茨的例子，是用来证明你的观点的。你要往论点上扯一扯。比如，比尔盖茨的成功，说明我们已经find a way to educate children for a better society。还是问句的问题，慎用。此外，例子说完了，要讲下，这个例子说明了什么道理，收一收。

Children are our future, so we should not narrow down our responsiblity only to socialize them. Education has a wide range,in
which every aspect is vital to the cultivation of youth 用argument的说法就是偷换概念了，应该是children. Although faced with many problems at present, we should not neglect that we have achived a lot. This can be a strong motivation for the further progrss in the education of our next generation.

个人观点，仅供参考。