ARGUMENT12 第二篇习作，求拍，谢谢

沧海一粒粟UID: 2675725

TOPIC: ARGUMENT12 - The following appearedin a memo from a vice president of Alta Manufacturing.
"During the past year, Alta Manufacturinghad thirty percent more on-the-job accidents than nearby Panoply Industries,where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts believe that asignificant contributing factor in many on-the-job accidents is fatigue andsleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-jobaccidents at Alta and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each ofour three work shifts by one hour so that our employees will get adequateamounts of sleep."
WORDS: 541

TIME: 02:36:07
DATE: 2010/3/2 23:42:00

The idea that fatigue and sleep deprivation are the contributing factors in the on-the-job accidents appears to be an apparent result with the support of a comparison about the working hour between Alta Manufacturing (AM) and Panoply Industries (PI). After all, longer working hour might lead to tiredness and scant sleep. However, the recommendation that AM should follow PI's example may dissemble alternative explanations for exhaustion and sleep deprivation among workers.

First of all, the arguer falsely treats the linkage established between on-the-job accidents and fatigue and scant sleep as the causal relationship. It might be the case that the equipments might be too time-worn to operate without accidents. Even if the equipments are brand-new, it is also very possible that the workers might not be able to operate the equipments correctly in the absence of enough knowledge and experience and it follows that the accidents are inevitable. Until the information about not only the condition of the equipments but also the ability of the workers to control them is offered, I remain doubtful about the argument.

Even though tiredness and sleep deprivation are responsible for on-the-job accidents, nevertheless, the assumption that it is the longer working hour that results in the two factors above is untenable. Perhaps the contributing factor for fatigue and sleep deprivation is over entertainment during the time when the workers should have had a rest, such as watching television programs, singing, etc.. Moreover, perhaps the salaries might be not high enough for the workers to feed their families; for that matter, the workers might, in their rest time, take part-time jobs so as to earn more money and as a result they would feel tired in the next day.

In addition, even assuming that fatigue and scant sleep are attributable to longer working hour, the arguer overlooks the fact that there might exist a myriad of dissimilarities between AM and PI that could make invalid the generalization of shortening work shift by one hour, and further comparisons need to be made. It is entirely possible that the two companies are completely different from each other in working property; perhaps the assembly lines in PI are controlled by computers thoroughly and the workers just need to operate the computers, whereas the workers in AM might operate the equipments directly in the produce process. Moreover, perhaps the regulations about the operation of the equipments are more stringent in PI than in AM.

Admittedly, AM could finally reduce the number of on-the-job accidents by adopting the same measures as PI, productivity would not necessarily increase. After all, productivity is a function of many other respects as well, including advanced process and equipments, the expertise of workers, and the proficient operation of the equipments. Without ruling out such and other factors, the arguer cannot convince me that the productivity would increase.

Overall, the argument seems logical at first glance, but is in fact not well reasoned. To substantiate the recommendation, the arguer needs to provide more persuasive evidences that work-shift length could actually influence the on-the-job accident rate in AM. The arguer also needs to supply enough information to justify an increase in the productivity. To further assess the argument, I need to know what AM's workers usually do after work.

沧海一粒粟UID: 2675725

2# Bela1229
不好意思，传的时候太急，没改格式

irvine666UID: 2575525

TOPIC: ARGUMENT12 - The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Alta Manufacturing.
"During the past year, Alta Manufacturing had thirty percent more on-the-job accidents than nearby Panoply Industries, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts believe that a significant contributing factor in many on-the-job accidents is fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Alta and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that our employees will get adequate amounts of sleep."
WORDS: 541

TIME: 02:36:07

DATE: 2010/3/2 23:42:00

The idea that fatigue and sleep deprivation are the contributing factors in the on-the-job accidents appears to be an apparent(重复) result with the support of a comparison about (of) the working hour between Alta Manufacturing (AM) and Panoply Industries (PI). After all, longer working hour might lead to tiredness and scant sleep. (逻辑跳跃,上文没有半点recommendation的相关东西提及,下文直接however到它,就好比我说:”我觉得午饭吃鱼很合理,然而我下午还是要去上课”一样让人摸不着头脑.)However, the recommendation that AM should follow PI's example may dissemble alternative explanations for exhaustion and sleep deprivation among workers.

First of all, the arguer falsely treats the linkage established between on-the-job accidents and fatigue and scant sleep as the causal relationship.( Fatigue and scant sleep do not necessarily lead to on-the-job accidents不是更清晰么?) It might be the case that the equipments might be too time-worn(比起这个,我倒是觉得设备缺乏维修保养更合理) to operate without accidents. Even if the equipments are brand-new, it is also very possible that the workers might not be able to operate the equipments correctly in the absence of enough knowledge(这个就更不合理了,员工哪儿有不经过培训直接上岗的? 小概率事件不足为信.更加合理的它因是:员工自己工作时分心导致操作不当) and experience and it follows that the accidents are inevitable. Until the information about not only the condition of the equipments but also the ability of the workers to control them is offered, I remain doubtful about the argument.(这段话的所有论述都无法支持你的TS, 这是一个在写Argu得时候很典型的错误. 你TS的描述是:两者无法构成因果关系,也就是说,你的论述应该着重于: A无法推导出B.接下来看你的论证段落写的什么?通过2个它因,你说明的仅仅是:C,D都有可能推导出B. 你自己想想你的两个论述能支持你的TS么?)

Even though tiredness and sleep deprivation are responsible for on-the-job accidents, nevertheless, the assumption that it is the longer working hour that results in the two factors above is untenable.(这个TS又臭又长…除了凑字数没别的用处,可以直接一点:In addition, tiredness and sleep deprivation might mainly stem from insufficient rest, little work passion, and illness, rather than from longer working hour.这样也和你的下文衔接的更好) Perhaps the contributing factor for fatigue and sleep deprivation is over entertainment during the time when the workers should have had a rest, such as watching television programs, singing, etc.. Moreover, perhaps the salaries might be not high enough for the workers to feed their families; for that matter, the workers might, in their rest time, take part-time jobs so as to earn more money and as a result they would feel tired in the next day.(这个不是和你第一个它因一个性质么,都是缺乏休息,为什么不放在一起,要中间被salaries隔开?)

In addition, even assuming that fatigue and scant sleep are attributable to longer working hour, the arguer overlooks the fact that there might exist a myriad of dissimilarities between AM and PI that could make invalid the generalization of shortening work shift by one hour, and further comparisons need to be made.(你的TS一定要占到全段的一半篇幅么? What’s more, to generate PI’s successful experience to AM, being blind to the differences between them, is skeptical.) It is entirely possible that the two companies are completely different from each other in working property; perhaps the assembly lines in PI are controlled by computers thoroughly and the workers just need to operate the computers, whereas the workers in AM might operate the equipments directly in the produce process. Moreover, perhaps the regulations about the operation of the equipments are more stringent in PI than in AM. (第一个它因解释的还不错,第二个很乱,为什么regulations的不同会影响到PI的经验普及到AM?你需要解释的足够充分而不是让读者自己去发挥想象，否则还不如不写)

Admittedly, AM could finally reduce the number of on-the-job accidents by adopting the same measures as PI（这话是承认已成事实，不是让步从句！你整个TS句子它就是两个句子拼起来的。）, productivity would not necessarily increase. After all, productivity is a function of many other respects as well, including advanced process and equipments, the expertise of workers, and the proficient operation of the equipments. （你不准备详细的解释一下么？比如说我就很好奇advanced process和the expertise of workers怎么直接影响到productivity的。我甚至可以argument一下你这句话，举出N多反例来证明the expertise of workers与productivity无关。你写它因要让读者信服，就不能只说：A，B，C，D对反驳有效，你得深入说明“为什么它有效。”米国人有一句话叫做“Do not tell me. Show me.”）Without ruling out such and other factors, the arguer cannot convince me that the productivity would increase.

Overall, the argument seems logical at first glance, but is in fact not well reasoned. To substantiate the recommendation, the arguer needs to provide more persuasive evidences that work-shift length could actually influence the on-the-job accident rate in AM. The arguer also needs to supply enough information to justify an increase in the productivity. To further assess the argument, I need to know what AM's workers usually do after work.

沧海一粒粟UID: 2675725

4# irvine666
多谢斑竹，真是受益良多啊