开个贴写作文-dy

tqidtestUID: 2766196

Last week, one of my neighbors, Wang Jie, a fourteen years old boy, hurt his leg in a school basketball game. As a result, his parents decided to constrain him from participating in any sports contests from then on. I was astonished on hearing of their decision, since I believe it is inadvisable to prevent children from participating sports contests.8 U;清晰明了


Admittedly, children are more likely to hurt themselves by playing sports in contests than just for fun，due to the fact that under the，both inside and outside，？？（这里我也太清楚，修饰语后置是否合理，不过不是什么大问题） pressure from a contest，children would try their best to win the game，sometimes without paying attention to their security，as it did in the case of my neighbor, Wang Jie. + L" m$ x% @/ O1 h4 {+ m
6 ?1 S7 c- i. f2 P* M
However, the considerable benefits children can enjoy by taking part in sports contests cannot be denied. First of all, playing sports contests frequently could familiarize children with the competitive atmosphere and how to adapt to it. The more often children participate in sports contests, the more leisurely they would face challenges in their future lives，as our society is just like a huge sports ground field with numerous fierce competitions showing （on it} every day.9 c( ^) j6 {. Z) }
# C, {- F* m' [7 X) v
In addition, only in public contests can children’s sports talents be noted. Without doubt, our society abounds with such examples. Liu Xiang, the most famous athlete in China, is a good case in point. Just in a high school sports meet, his talent in running was noticed by his current （or present？） couch, and thus he entered the national sports team and won a gold medal in the 29th Olympic games eventually. 7 D+ a4 x& I  z* U& a

At last but not least, children could also develop their sense of responsibility and team spirit , two key factors to their achievements in their future career, through participating in some team sports contests. However, in a game just for fun, children may not care much about these factors.



From the discussion above, I can safely draw the conclusion that undeniable though the possibility of hurt playing sports in competitions may cause is, it pays for children to do that frequently, if the considerable benefits it could bring are taken into consideration.

三个观点非常清晰，赞。学习了，加油

dphenixyUID: 2657199

谢谢楼上二位修改，辛苦啦，
ps，原来北京是29th，这都没搞清楚⊙﹏⊙b汗

dphenixyUID: 2657199

3.14
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most people prefer having other people make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves

第一次修改版：
Recently a social survey showed that the majority of people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves. I believe that this survey just revealed an unfamiliar truth, with awareness of the following facts.

First of all, following others’ decision is a habit developed and built since we were young children. For example, in primary or high school, children are obliged to study some compulsory subjects, even if we had no interest in them. At home, they are always requested to listen to their parents or other senior family members, otherwise punishment would fall on them. Under such circumstance, most of those children will be used to living under others’ guilds or orders rather than in terms of their own preference. My experience in childhood is a good case in point. One day, I bought some cartoon posters on my way back from school, and posted them on the wall of my bedroom. Nevertheless, my mother tore down them and told me never to post such ugly stuff. From then on, I dare not do such things without permit. No doubt, as growing up, I formed a habit of having others make decisions for my own affairs because of my shortage in making decisions by myself. i6 W:

In addition, to diminish or evade responsibilities is another importance factor for people to get others to make decisions for them. As we know, in the adult world, making decision often means taking responsibilities. Therefore, the majority of people tend to share the risks with others who make decisions for them. For example, when confronting some troubles or in a dilemma at work, most employees prefer to ask their colleagues or boss for making the decision rather than deal with it by their own means. The reason is obvious that if those people made a wrong decision by themselves, they may be fired, while if they just followed an improper decision from others, their responsibilities will be much lighter.

Admittedly, there are also some preeminent people who like to grasp the destiny in their own hands. However, their great are just highlighted by their scarcity among people. v2 {; P0 \# C9 |In consequence, I maintain that most people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves due to their restricted childhood or fear to the responsibilities involved in decision making.
P.S 不知道选择这种消极的观点合不合适？

我是chineseladyUID: 2662783

Recently, a social survey showed that most people prefer having others (to) make decisions for them rather than making decisions-->doing是不好点避免重复 by themselves. I believe that this survey just revealed an unfamiliar truth, with awareness of the following facts.首段最好点题明确观点

First of all, to follow a decision made by others is a habit developed and built since we were a child. For example, in primary or high school, we were obliged to take some compulsory subjects, even if we had no interest in them. At home, we are always told to listen to-->obey or follow the instrutions from our parents or other senior family members. Once we rebel-->didnt就好吧，这个词让我想起了造反..., we will be punished sharply. Under this circumstance, we even not allowed语法 to decorate our bedrooms as we want to. My experience in childhood is a good case in point. One day, I bought some cartoon posters on my way back from school, and stuck them on the wall of my bedroom. Nevertheless, when my mother saw them, she just tore down them and told me never to stick such ugly stuff on the wall. From then on, I do not dare to do such things without permit. No doubt, as I grow up, I gradually used to having others plan my life-->i am gradually used to letting other make a plan for my life, and even to a certain extent, I prefer it due to my shortage of the ability to make decisions by myself.觉得小时候贴画的例子不合适，不是决定不决定的问题，是你贴了后被批评。贴画是生活中繁琐的事情，生活片段吧。貌似没"决定"来得严重。不妨说小时候本来喜欢钢琴后来被迫学素描（我的童年..），自己的决定做不了云云，后来长大就...

In addition, most adults, who have the right to control-->manage their lives, may also prefer to have others make decisions for them, due to their attempt to evade responsibilities. 主题句长了 As we know, in the adult world, making decision means not only enjoying rights but also taking responsibilities when the decision proves to be wrong读着有点幸灾乐祸的意思咩. For example, when confront some trouble or in a dilemma, most employees will resort to their boss at once rather than deal with it by their own means额。。这个观点，工作要积极

Admittedly, there are also some preeminent people who like to grasp the destiny in their own hands. However, their great are just highlighted by their scarcity among people.这个放在这有点画蛇添足了，既没有展开跟前面的关系也不大

n consequence, I maintain that most people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves due to their restricted childhood and fear about the responsibilities involved in decision making.2位的观点选择的都不太好写，个人角度看不很同意你的例子。积极些的比较好吧，句子有变化不单一。个别地方表达中式了。另外目前年前人在工作岗位表现的还是蛮好的。才点评不好意思了

tqidtestUID: 2766196

3.14 修改。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

15# dphenixy

Last week, one of my neighbors, Wang Jie, a fourteen years old boy, hurt his leg in a school basketball game. As a result, his parents decided to constrain him from participating in any sports contests from then on. I was astonished on hearing of their decision, since I believe it is inadvisable to prevent children from participating in sports contests.

Admittedly, children are more likely to hurt themselves by playing sports in contests than by playing (Structures before and after a comparison should be parallel.) just for fun，due to the fact that under the pressure from a contest，both inside and outside，children would try their best to win the game，sometimes without paying attention to their security，as it did in the case of my neighbor, Wang Jie.

However, the considerable benefits children can enjoy by taking part in sports contests cannot be denied. First of all, playing sports contests frequently could familiarize children with the competitive atmosphere and with the idea of (Similar as the first comment. The structures before and after the 'and' should be parallel. This is a way to guide readers to define the overall shape of the sentence.) how to adapt to it. The more often children participate in sports contests, the more calmly they would face challenges in their future lives，as our society is just like a huge sports ground with numerous fierce competitions showing on it every day.

In addition, only in public contests can children’s sports talents be noted. Without doubt, our society abounds with such examples. Liu Xiang, the most famous athlete in China, is a good case in point. Just in a high school sports meet, his talent in running was noticed by his current coach, and thus he entered the national sports (You probably need to be more specific here. I believe he joined the national track and field team.) team and won a gold medal in the 28th Olympic games eventually.

Last but not least, children could also develop their sense of responsibility and team spirit , two key factors to their achievements in their future careers, through participating in some team sports contests. However, in a game just for fun, children may not care as much about these.

From the discussion above, I can safely draw the conclusion that undeniable though the possibility of hurt injury ('Hurt' is not a noun, and you can't use it like this.) playing sports in competitions may cause is (This whole construct is just too difficult to read. In normal sentence sequence, it would read like 'the possibility THAT playing sports in competitions may cause injury is undeniable.', and it won't be less persuasive or less impressive. By cutting the sentence up and swapping its pieces around, you sort of make it unnecessarily complex.), it pays for children to do that frequently, if the considerable benefits it could bring are taken into consideration.

总结：

总体水平相当不错，论述说理很清晰，例子也举得很合适。我给你的修改基本上是关于readability可读性方面的，非硬性要求，供你参考就好。

dphenixyUID: 2657199

3.22 Government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues初稿

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues. Some people who support this issue hold the idea that nothing is more important than people’s health. However, some others, especially environmentalists, argue that environment problems are much more pressing now and thus deserve more attention from government. As for me，the latter opinion seems more reasonable due to the following reasons.


The most important reason is that environment pollution could pose a great threat to people’s lives in a large area. For example， the well-known environmental effect，global warming，would make some island countries disappeared from the world, if we continually turn a blind eye to it. No doubt，this result is much more serious than any health problem of any individual.


Another fact we cannot ignore is that heath care has been attached much more importance by government since last century, compared to environment issues. As we know, the rapid development of medical technology and people’s increasing awareness of the importance of health have prolonged our life greatly. On the other hand, as environmental pollution is a relatively new issue which was noticed by people only recent decades, their severity and urgency has not been fully recognized by government. As a result, the situation becomes worse and worse. The change in my hometown is a good case in point. I remember that there are many kinds of trees and birds along the river side in my town when I was a child. However, when I went back there last year, I was shocked by what I saw: there was neither tree nor bird and even the river had fully dry out.


From what has been discussed above, I can safely come to the conclusion that government should pay more attention to environment issues than on health care issues.

水谣碧玺UID: 2765062

修改23

yuyan890619UID: 2602299

3.22 Government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues初稿 3 m' f9 ]) l( Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues. Some people who support this issue hold the idea that nothing is more important than people’s health. However, some others, especially environmentalists, argue that environment problems are much more pressing now and thus deserve more attention from government. As for me，the latter opinion seems more reasonable due to the following reasons.
The most important reason is that environment pollution could pose a great threat to people’s lives in a large area. For example， the well-known environmental effect，global warming，would make some island countries disappeared from the world, if we continually turn a blind eye to it. No doubt，this result is much more serious than any health problem of any individual.（觉得这一段还可以再深入论述）
Another fact we cannot ignore is that heath care has been attached much more importance by government since last century, compared to environment issues. As we know, the rapid development of medical technology and people’s increasing awareness of the importance of health have prolonged our life greatly. On the other hand, as environmental pollution is a relatively new issue which was noticed by people only recent decades, their severity and urgency has not been fully recognized by government. As a result, the situation becomes worse and worse. The change in my hometown is a good case in point. I remember that there are（were) many kinds of trees and birds along the river side in my town when I was a child. However, when I went back there last year, I was shocked by what I saw: there was neither tree nor bird and even the river had fully dry out(建议这个例子可以再加上一点，比如说是政府没有采取措施控制旁边的工厂的污染什么的会更加切题一些）.
From what has been discussed above, I can safely come to the conclusion that government should pay more attention to environment issues than on health care issues.

楼主很厉害啊，前后看了几遍，基本上没有问题，而且文章短小精悍，这篇文章的论点借去了哈，因为自己写的时候也觉得很纠结很牵强的...
部分地方可以再稍微扩展一下。
加油

mpromanusUID: 2565872

19# dphenixy

Recently a social survey showed that the majority of people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves. I believe that this survey just revealed an unfamiliar? (What are you trying to express by 'unfamiliar'?) truth, with awareness of the following facts? (This kind of opening doesn't really answer the question. It doesn't add any meaningful weight to the discussion either. Your reader will not know anything more about the issue you're to discuss than what the question already gives.).

First of all, following others’ decisions is a habit developed and built since we were young children. For example, in primary or high schools, children are obliged to study some compulsory subjects, even if we (Who are 'we'? I thought you were talking about 'children'.) had no interest in them. At home, they are always requested to listen to their parents or other senior family members, otherwise punishments would fall on them. Under such circumstance, most of those children will be used to living under others’ guilds? (Do you mean 'guidance'?) or orders rather than living in terms of their own preferences. My experience in childhood is a good case in point. One day, I bought some cartoon posters on my way back from school, and posted them on the wall of my bedroom. Nevertheless, my mother tore down them and told me never to post such ugly stuff. From then on, I dare not do such things without permission ('Permit' is a physical certificate of permission.). No doubt, as I grew up, I formed a habit of having others make decisions for my own affairs because of my shortage in making decisions by myself. (This example is not strong enough because I don't see where the 'decision' making is. Guidance and orders are not decisions in themselves, but what people do to enforce decisions. The process of decision making is a slightly different matter from giving orders. In your descriptions, both you and your mother appear pretty impulsive, which is not exactly what one'd expect when talking about decision making. Your idea is good, but you probably need to re-package the example to emphasize the decision making factor.)

In addition, to diminish (I think a better word for 'responsibilities' would be 'minimize'.) or evade responsibilities is another important factor for people to get others to make decisions for them. As we know, in the adult world, making decisions often means taking responsibilities. Therefore, the majority of people tend to share the risks with others who make decisions for them. For example, when confronting some troubles or in a dilemma at work, most employees prefer to ask their colleagues or bosses for making the decision rather than to deal with it by their own means. The reason is obvious that if those people made a wrong decision by themselves, they may be fired, while if they (Now these 'they's are getting confusing.) just followed an improper decision from others, their responsibilities will be much lighter.

Admittedly, there are also some preeminent people who like to grasp the destiny in their own hands. However, their greatness are just highlighted by their scarcity among people. (I don't really get what this paragraph is doing here. It doesn't seem to be discussion any valid point.)

In consequence, I maintain that most people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves due to their restricted childhoods or fear to of the responsibilities involved in decision making.

总结：

这篇能感觉得到明显开头结尾没有什么可说的，而且也有一些表意比较糊涂的言语。论点是否消极并不是考官关心的，答案没有对错，能论述得圆满就可以。在这一点来说的话，你的第二个论点比较好，因为和decision-making有直接关系，但是第一个论点就看不出和decision有什么关系，所以清晰的程度要注意一下。

dphenixyUID: 2657199

3.25 Teachers should not show their political or social views known in the classroom. 初稿

The other day, my neighbor，Wang Jie，a high school teacher，was fired for his talking about some sensitive political issues at class. I was astonished at the sound of this news，because I cannot see any mistake for a teacher to show political or social views known in the classroom.

In the first place, as for a primary or high school teacher，to help their students develop proper senses of value and life is as important as to instill knowledge and skills into students. Childhood is the period of time that people built their beliefs. People in that period tend to be affected by those who they regard as idol models, and teachers always play such roles as well as parents. Therefore, it is unblamable, or more exactly, a requirement for teachers to teach students what kinds of things are allowable while some others are immoral through showing their views over some hot political or social events.

In the second place, people who often show their political or social views in the classroom could make them more popular among students. In that case, those teachers are more likely to help students with troubles at study or in lives. My English teacher in high school, Miss Liu, is a good case in point. She preferred to talk about some heated social events, and often showed her indignation against those public offices who never care about the life of common people. Her integrity made her very popular among us. As a result, we all like to ask her for help when we faced problems and of course our English class were always filled with actively.

From what have been discussed above, I can safely draw the conclusion that teachers should show their political or social views known in the classroom to help students built proper values and make themselves popular among students.

chailybaiUID: 2741896

( X, N  a+ [8 P  l; M! o
（这个开头有点突兀啊，最好用recently there appeared an incident which made me thought about XXX 这种句子交代一下举这个例子的原因，当然这是我个人的意见啦~~ ）The other day, my neighbor，Wang Jie，a high school teacher，was fired for his talking about some sensitive political issues at class. I was astonished at the sound of this news，because I cannot (感觉用don’t好一点）see any mistake for a teacher to show political or social views known in the classroom. 8 w( o  r4 K" m( Y2 a9 m* x
+ K! x  ]4 t& R
In the first place, as for a primary or high school teacher，to help their students develop proper senses of value and life is as important as to instill knowledge and skills into students. Childhood is the period of time that people built their beliefs.（这句子时态有点混乱啊，改成Childhood is the period of time for people to build their beliefs吧） People in that period tend to be affected by those who they regard as idol models（这两个词是一个意思吧，我不知道idol能不能做形容词，不过感觉取其一就好了~~）, and teachers always play such roles as well as parents. Therefore, it is unblamable, or more exactly（这个连接词前后两个词最好都是名词吧，说明一下是unblamable的什么，比如activity/behavior之类的）, a requirement for teachers to teach students what kinds of things are allowable while some others are immoral through showing their views over some hot political or social events.* L. w% y3 C7 {, C7 t3 A7 @7 {

In the second place, people who often show their political or social views in the classroom could make them more popular among students. In that case, those teachers are more likely to help students with troubles at study or in lives. （这句子没理解啊，为什么show views就可以help students with their troubles了，我觉得中间应该说明一下，比如students feel more closely connected to their teachers so they are more likely to turn to them when trapped in difficulties）My English teacher in high school, Miss Liu, is a good case in point. She preferred to talk about some heated social events, and often showed her indignation against those public offices who never care about the life (poor lives)of common people. Her integrity made her very popular among us. As a result, we all like to ask her for help when we faced problems and of course our English class were always filled with actively（energy）.) Z) S0 ?: g+ p5 u) ?) D. E+ @" w

From what have been discussed above, I can safely(用safely感觉很奇怪啊，undoubtedly或者definitely好一点) draw the conclusion that teachers should show their political or social views known in the classroom to help students built proper values and make themselves popular among students.

感觉这篇文章结构很清晰，语言也不错。就是开头的例子，其实我个人感觉如果这个例子被放在第一段，它必然是有一定重要意义的，最好的话是后面再提一下这个例子，比如提到为什么那个老师会被解雇，比如在课堂上有较极端的言论，然后指出这种行为是不恰当的。但是除此以外teachers show their political or social views是可以被接受的。这样首尾就有呼应了，当然这是我个人的观点啦。。。。。楼主作文写得还是不错的，加油~~~

zhezhe1011UID: 2656203

The other day, （这个是不是用one day比较好啊）my neighbor ，Wang Jie，a high school teacher，was fired for his talking about some sensitive political issues at class. I was astonished at the sound of（改成I was astonished when hearing是不是好点？） this news，because I cannot see any mistake for a teacher to show political or social views known in the classroom.

In the first place, as for （as 和 for 用一个就行了，重复 as for 连起来的意思是至于/就...方面说来）a primary or high school teacher，to help their students develop proper senses of value and life is as important as to instill knowledge and skills into students. Childhood is the period of time that（that 改成 when吧） people build their beliefs. People in that period tend to be affected by those who they regard as idol models（去掉model）, and teachers always play such roles as well as parents. Therefore, it is unblamable(这个词用滴很好，哈哈), or more exactly, a requirement for teachers to teach students what kinds of things are allowable while some others are immoral through showing their views over some hot political or social events.
In the second place, people who often show their political or social views in the classroom could make them be more popular among students. In that case, those teachers are more likely to help students with troubles at study or in lives. My English teacher in high school, Miss Liu, is a good case in point. She preferred to talk about some heated social events, and often showed her indignation against those public officers (应该是写人吧，后面接的是who) who never care about the lives of common people. Her integrity made her very popular among us. As a result, we all liked to ask her for help when we faced problems and of course our English class were always filled with actively(这个是副词，应该改成名词).
From what have been discussed above, I can safely draw the conclusion that teachers should show their political or social views known in the classroom to help students built proper values and make themselves popular among students.

总的来说没什么错误，第一段例子引出话题挺好的，比较新颖...句子也通俗易懂，结构感很强...需要注意下时态的变换。
白天有课，改的比较晚，见谅哦~~

mpromanusUID: 2565872

23# dphenixy

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether a/the government should pay more attention to health care issues than on to environment issues. Some people who support this issue hold the idea that nothing is more important than people’s health. However, some others, especially environmentalists, argue that environment problems are much more pressing now and thus deserve more attention from the government. As for me，the latter opinion seems more reasonable due to the following reasons.

The most important reason is that environment pollution could pose a great threat to people’s lives in a large area. For example， the well-known environmental effect，global warming (This is the actual subject of your sentence, therefore it should appear upfront for the meaning to be clear, as in 'for example, global warming, the well-known environmental effect...'.)，would make some island countries disappeared from the world (Kind of vague. Would be good if you could name one of these island countries. That shows that you really know what you're talking about.), if we continually turn a blind eye to it. No doubt，this result is much more serious than any health problem of any individual. (Good comparison.)

Another fact we cannot ignore is that heath care has been attached with much more importance by the government (Or 'governments'. Same for all similar occurences of 'government'.) since the last century, compared to environment issues. As we know, the rapid development of medical technology and people’s increasing awareness of the importance of health have prolonged our lives greatly. On the other hand, as environmental pollution ('environment issues' do not only mean 'environmental pollution'. Be careful with your wordings and make sure you don't inadvertently alter the scope of discussion.) is a relatively new issue which was noticed by people only in recent decades, their its severity and urgency has not been fully recognized by government. As a result, the situation (What 'situation'? Anything can be a situation - be more specific.) becomes worse and worse. The change in my hometown is a good case in point. I remember that there were many kinds of trees and birds along the river side in my town when I was a child. However, when I went back there last year, I was shocked by what I saw: there was neither tree nor bird and even the river had fully dried out. (So? What are you trying to say with this example? Your reader is free to make his/her own conclusion if you don't make one, and there's no guarantee that he/she must make the conclusion that you wish to illustrate. Complete your logic. Don't leave your argument open-ended.)

From what has been discussed above, I can safely come to the conclusion that government should pay more attention to environment issues than on health care issues.

总结：

语法上请注意一下单数名词作泛指主语前面要加冠词，或者用复数名词，就是那个government这样。。

论述方面第一个论点很好，第二个论点有论点论据但是没有完整的论证，论据描述之后没有和论点联系起来，也就是你没有做关于这个论据的结论，这样就变成开放式论述了。开放式论述就是没有结论的论述，相当于你并没有支持到自己想要的结论。所以论述的完整要注意一下。