issue51求指教，请各位不吝帮忙，着急

babyloniaquUID: 2515962

写了几篇了，但是越写越糊涂，复习考试的时间只剩一半了，一点进步没有，而且对自己写的也没有丝毫把握。
求各位路过的大侠帮小生看一下。
如果不愿花时间的话也请帮看一下逻辑结构
再能够随便评点一下句式是否单调就多谢了！


issue51 "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

Education is essential for every country in that it is responsible for fostering the civilized citizens eligible for making contribution to the society and mentally and physically healthy themselves. Only with the satisfaction of both sides can there be a sustainable society in harmony. To that end, an effective education should make a balance between the requirement of society and that of the individuals. If the education focuses merely on the interests and needs of students, it will fail to fulfill its commitment for the society and the content of individuals as well.

For the students to be self-sufficient in society, it is necessary to require them to receive some basic education, such as reading and writing skills, ability of calculation, and some knowledge of science, regardless whether they are willing to learn. Asking the students interested in literature to take some lesson in natural science will help them better understand the world in which they live, and avoid superstition. For those who are more indulged in science, some knowledge of literature and arts will facilitate the communication with others. And for those kids who dislike sports, gym will ensure them in nice physical condition. Besides, there are some moral and ethical values worthy of implantation, such as the respect for others, honesty, a strong feeling for responsibility, and hard working, etc. It is not strange if some people feel more at ease without the awareness of these wrongs and rights which they'd rather call constraints, but indulging its people to abandon such moral and ethical standards should be dangerous for a society. Some may argue that family can play the role of cultivating these values, yet they overlook that not all students are brought up in happy families, and the existence of prejudices in common families. Thus education in school is crucial for implanting the precious values.

Moreover, the education represents the needs of society, which in its essential not so much conflicts with the individual needs, since every individual has to make himself recognized by the society. The society requires diversified professions, thus it would be impossible for the education to yield to the individual will. Just consider, nowadays businessman are thought to be most wealthy and a lot of people are yearning to be rich. If our education try to make every student to be businessman, there will be a surfeit of this profession, and results in a shortage of technicians, scientists, policemen and so on. The imbalance of profession clearly leads to dysfunction of society, and in turn devastates the individual pursuit. Or to think about those people around us. I remember the boy who was once my neighbor, obsessed in cartoon and video games, he learned little and after graduating from high school, he has been failing in finding a job. When he is 25,he still stays at home, except delivering milk sometimes, relying on his old mother, who has to eke out a living vending fruits. Apparently, the education failing to guiding the students to make their living in society is effective for none.

Besides, the practicality of constructing an education addressing the needs and interests of every students is dubious. In our country, there are millions of students, who may have millions of interests and needs. How to find sufficient teachers and fund for meeting each of their needs? And the interests of the students may change frequently. Isn't that unfair if every time they change to a new subject, the teacher has to lose his or her job? And leaving them with capricious interests will prevent them from actually learning anything. So to be effective we have to take a more practical way in which the students are not the only judge of their education.

However I am not saying that the education should be so imperious that completely ignore the requirement of the individuals. Education should improve the personal ability and elicit the potential inside. So without concerning the individual difference in interest, ability, and experiences, the education cannot be truly effective in preparing the competent future constructors for society. Indeed, with common sense we know desire to learn is the best teacher. If the children are constantly forced to recite the knowledge they never appreciate its value and never active in learning, they will grow up lacking of passion, with the sparks of curiosity quenched, and cannot be efficient in improving the society. So only by taking into account the different interests of students, can the education foster the next creative generation.

From all the above, we can suggest that the efficacy of education cannot be at the discretion of students, since this may mislead the students and fail to meet the requirement of the society. However appropriate attention to their needs and interests will make the education more effective for this is required by individual development.

plukaUID: 2721764

Education is essential for every country in that it is responsible for fostering the civilized citizens eligible for making contribution to the society and mentally and physically healthy themselves（显得别扭，keeping the mental and physical health稍微好点） . Only with the satisfaction of both sides can there be a sustainable society in harmony. To that end, an effective education should make a balance between the requirement of society and that of the individuals. If the education focuses merely on the interests and needs of students, it will fail to fulfill its commitment for the society and the content of individuals as well.（开头很清楚，不错）

For the students to be self-sufficient（用词不妥。无论是谁在社会上都不能自给自足吧，另此词已经超过‘自信’，有‘傲慢’意） in society, it is necessary to require them to receive some basic education, such as reading and writing skills, ability of calculation, and some knowledge of science, regardless （+of）whether they are willing to learn. Asking the students interested in literature to take some lesson in natural science will help them better understand the world in which they live, and avoid superstition（不能理解为啥看文学的就要小心迷信、理解世界，口胡，表有偏见啊。除非在后面解释一下这里说得是pedant之类）. For those who are more indulged in science, some knowledge of literature and arts will facilitate the communication with others（同样是一个有问题的假设，为啥假定爱科学的就会宅就会交流不畅？）. And for those kids who dislike sports, gym will ensure them in nice physical condition.（了解作者的意思，但个人以为上面三个句子论述得不太好。光说【For those who are more indulged in science】不代表啥，除非体现出他们的宅属性，否则有假性因果之嫌。其实不一定要假定“喜欢文学的人不喜欢科学”，随便说一下各科的重要性，说说不读科学的人会如何，因为好恶而不锻炼的人会如何云云就差不多了。） Besides, there are some moral and ethical values worthy of implantation, such as the respect for others, honesty, a strong feeling for responsibility, and hard working, etc. It is not strange if some people feel more at ease without the awareness of these wrongs and rights which they'd rather call constraints, but indulging its people to abandon such moral and ethical standards should be dangerous for a society. Some may argue that family can play the role of cultivating these values, yet they overlook that not all students are brought up in happy families, and the existence of prejudices in common families（看着有点怪= =建议and the existence部分提前，从句放后面）. Thus education in school is crucial for implanting the precious values.（论证部分基本上还好，不过结合本段TS来看，希望能解释一下何为self-sufficient，结尾可以稍微提几句那些学科能如何帮人成为self-sufficient云云）

Moreover, the education represents the needs of society, which in its essential not so much conflicts with the individual needs, since every individual has to make himself recognized by the society（此TS跟全文主题符合得如何？主旨是interests-oriented education不好，上段承主旨写了，但这个TS貌似没有。所以还是不要用moreover。另建议此段后置，作为补充发散或者让步内容）（看明白了= =见段末解说）he society requires diversified professions, thus it would be impossible for the education to yield to the individual will（这个thus很诡异，impossible也过于绝对。前后两部分不能说是因果吧。社会固然需要分工，但教育也不一定要强奸民意）. Just consider, nowadays businessman are thought to be （+the）most wealthy and a lot of people are yearning to be rich. If our education try to make every student to be businessman, there will be a surfeit of this profession, and results in a shortage of technicians, scientists, policemen and so on. The imbalance of profession clearly leads to dysfunction of society, and in turn devastates the individual pursuit.（这个观点很不错！） Or to think about those people around us. I remember the boy who was once my neighbor, obsessed in cartoon and video games, he learned little and after graduating from high school, he has been failing in finding a job. When he is 25,he still stays at home, except delivering milk sometimes, relying on his old mother, who has to eke out a living vending fruits. Apparently, the education failing to guiding the students to make their living in society is effective for none.（疑惑是：这段的TS跟论证部分貌似分裂了= = TS曰个人社会的需求不矛盾，俺还以为是要开始发散或者让步，但后文却没有回应TS，而是开始论述教育应该让个人得以在社会上立足，看完之后就迷糊了。从TS找到三个点：社会需求、个人需求、不矛盾。如果要扣TS请在后文论述之。如果真实的意思是后文的内容，请考虑改TS，主要的点大概是社会的需求要求个人不能任意妄为云云吧）

Besides, the practicality of constructing an education addressing the needs and interests of every students is dubious. In our country, there are millions of students, who may have millions of interests and needs. How to find sufficient teachers and fund for meeting each of their needs? And the interests of the students may change frequently. Isn't that unfair if every time they change to a new subject, the teacher has to lose his or her job（lose job啥的貌似过分脑补了一点，rearrange the curriculum之类可能好些）? And（一直都用and，换点词吧，besides, also都行） leaving them with capricious interests will prevent them from actually learning anything. So to be effective we have to take a more practical way in which the students are not the only judge of their education.

However I am not saying that the education should be so imperious that completely ignore the requirement of the individuals. Education should improve the personal ability and elicit the potential inside. So without concerning the individual difference in interest, ability, and experiences, the education cannot be truly effective in preparing the competent future constructors for society. Indeed（此词总给俺‘让步’的感觉，强调事实个人偏好in fact之类）, with（一般用from） common sense we know （常识不常识啥的其实都有点啰嗦，‘兴趣是最好的老师’一句就够了）desire to learn is the best teacher. （私以为‘兴趣是最好的老师’这个观点跟后面的IF句的连接比较obscure。还以为会顺着这个观点发展一下‘兴趣如何为良师’，但突然跳到‘被强迫会坏事’。中间总觉得少了什么。想了想觉得可能是强调的问题：‘兴趣是最好的老师’此句强调兴趣的作用和结果，但并未暗示没兴趣会如何。所以如果要接下来写‘强扭的瓜不甜’，用它做先行观点觉得有些不够直接)  If the children are constantly forced to recite the knowledge they never appreciate its value（删，绿色是knowledge的定语，出了这个its value就跟knowledge抢位置了） and never active in learning, they will grow up lacking of passion, with the sparks of curiosity quenched, and cannot be efficient in improving the society. So only by taking into account the different interests of students, can the education foster the next creative generation.（再斟酌一下的话就是different interests的问题。显然这里想表达的是“因材施教”的概念。那么私以为最好来个对比论证，比如强迫喜欢数学的去画画，不顾某人的文学天赋让他去配药云云，体现出‘different’。本段后面这部分只能看出没有interest的结果，不能看到without concerning the individual difference in interest, ability, and experiences的结果。）

From all the above, we can suggest that the efficacy of education cannot be at the discretion of students, since this may mislead the students and fail to meet the requirement of the society. However appropriate attention to their needs and interests will make the education more effective for this is required by individual development.
大体上还是OK的，论证还要注意一下，语言方面其实这样也行，短句子看起来不累，但若想更多变一点，可以尝试倒装、从句之类。连接词也可以积累点，表老用and啦。


以上，加油！

babyloniaquUID: 2515962

2# pluka
改得好认真啊，赞一个
问题很多呢，我仔细想想再修改
先回帖说谢谢啦