求拍，有拍必回。帮忙找找硬伤。argument104

xwjsarahUID: 2627269

104.One kind of brain-scanning device is used by doctors to monitor normal
as well as abnormal activity in a patient's brain. The device provides
precise measurements of blood flow in the brain, a known indicator of how
the brain is working. Unfortunately, the device requires patients to
remain completely still with their heads in the scanning machine, which
makes a very loud noise. Under these uncomfortable conditions, it is
doubtful that doctors can get accurate measurements. A new head-mounted
device that measures eye movements rather than blood flow and allows
patients to move around will undoubtedly provide better brain
measurements. Thus, the new head-mounted device should replace the older
device at all hospitals and research institutions.

In this argument ,the author claims that the new head-mounted device should replace the brain-scanning device at all hosipitals and reasearch insititutions .To strengthen the point ,author lists some evidence that the old device to scan brain needs the patients to remain still with the loud noise ,even if ,it can provide the precise measurement of blood flow .In addition ,the head-mounted device could measure the eye movement rather than blood flow and patients can move as they like .The analysis is unconcincing with several flaws .



The author doesn’t give us any sound evidence to substantiate that the new head- mounted device is better than the old one.because the brain working could be measured by many methods such as by blood flowing ,by eyemovement and electronic ways or operations ,however author have not told us that which one is the best way and precise means to measure the brain .Thus ,although the brain scanning would generate noise and need the patients keep still ,author should not say that the old device is not as good as the new one .what’s more ,author doesn’t prove that the old head-scanning device would make doctor fail to get the accurate measurements resulting from loud noise and patients’ uncomfortable condition ,instead ,author just presumes the possibility
of the it.Similarly ,the new device allawing patients to move through measuring eye movements couldn’t indicate the new one is an functional way to measure brain ,maybe the old one with blood measuring is more effctive .So We need more comparative experiments consequences and data between these two methods eye measuring and blood flowing measuring ,then we can summerize which one is better.



Admittedly,the new head-mounted device is definitely better than the old one ,but is it necessary to replace the old device in all hospitals and research institutions ? As the common sense that we have ,not all hospitals are good at diagnosing brain ailments;Some of them may tend to save the people who are in accidences and some of them own certain amount of cardiologists,so few hospitals need the new head-mounted device except some certain hospital .In addition ,in reasearch institution , where the experts look forward for the instruments cencerning the certain subjects as many as possiable that they could know more about the subject on the manifold dimensions.


To support the conclusion in this argument ,author should enumerate enough evidences,such as the data of comparation of these two devices ,and the hospitals’real need of instruments

sunersunUID: 2734987

先看語言，覺得樓主還有很多要努力，甚至是基本的語法，改到一半只好放棄！樓主加油啊，語言和邏輯即文章結構都有問題，不完整，語言羅嗦了！不過看得出樓主應該是看過很多範文或者上過新東方的班吧，某些用詞很有模板感覺，和前後的用詞感覺水平不一樣
In this argument ,the author claims that the new head-mounted device should replace the brain-scanning device at all hosipitals and reasearch insititutions .To strengthen that point ,（the）author lists some evidence（s）（which suggest） that the old device for brain-scanning needs（requires） the patients to remain still with the loud noise ,only by that means can it provide the precise measurement of blood flow（in the brain） .In addition ,the author  states that the head-mounted device could measure the eye movement rather than blood flow and patients can move as they like .The analysis is unconvincing with several flaws .



（没有连接词啊） First， The author doesn’t give us any sound evidence to substantiate that the new head- mounted device is better than the old one. because the brain working could be measured by many methods such as by blood flowing ,by eye movement and electronic ways and operations ,however  the author have not told us that which is the best and precise means to measure the brain .Thus ,although the brain scanning would generate noise and need the patients（to） keep still , the author should（can） not  say that the old device is not as good as the new one .what’s more ,author doesn’t prove that the old head-scanning device would make doctor fail to get the accurate measurements resulting from loud noise and patients’ uncomfortable condition ,instead ,author just presumes the possibility

xwjsarahUID: 2627269

谢谢你为我改的，也谢谢你的建议，你怎么没有留下链接呢？

番茄斗斗UID: 2720914

104.One kind of brain-scanning device is used by doctors to monitor normal
as well as abnormal activity in a patient's brain. The device provides
precise measurements of blood flow in the brain, a known indicator of how
the brain is working. Unfortunately, the device requires patients to
remain completely still with their heads in the scanning machine, which
makes a very loud noise. Under these uncomfortable conditions, it is
doubtful that doctors can get accurate measurements. A new head-mounted
device that measures eye movements rather than blood flow and allows
patients to move around will undoubtedly provide better brain
measurements. Thus, the new head-mounted device should replace the older
device at all hospitals and research institutions.

In this argument ,the authorclaims that the new head-mounted device should replace thebrain-scanning device at all hosipitals and reasearch insititutions .Tostrengthen the point ,author lists some evidence that the old device toscan brain needs the patients to remain still with the loud noise ,evenif ,it can provide the precise measurement of blood flow .In addition,the head-mounted device could measure the eye movement rather thanblood flow and patients can move as they like .The analysis isunconcincing with several flaws .（开头没有必要过多的复述题目）



The author doesn’tgive us any sound evidence to substantiate that the new head- mounteddevice is better than the old one.because the brain working could bemeasured by many methods such as by blood flowing ,by eyemovement andelectronic ways or operations ,however author have not told us thatwhich one is the best way and precise means to measure the brain（这一句模棱两可，而且与TS严重重复，再者：“为什么作者没有告诉我们哪个方法好就是错误的？题目不是说了老机器有问题，新机器没问题吗？”，之所以会导致这样的疑问，是因为LZ把重要的一个攻击点放在了后面，即：新机器不一定更好，也没证据说他好；LZ这样的布局显得逻辑上有点乱，也容易让这段的前两句有凑字数的嫌疑） .Thus,although the brain scanning would generate noise and need the patientskeep still ,author should not say that the old device is not as good asthe new one .what’s more ,author doesn’t prove that the oldhead-scanning device would make doctor fail to get the accuratemeasurements resulting from loud noise and patients’ uncomfortablecondition ,instead ,author just presumes the possibility
of the it.Similarly ,the new device allawing patients to move throughmeasuring eye movements couldn’t indicate the new one is an functionalway to measure brain ,maybe the old one with blood measuring is moreeffctive .So We need more comparative experiments consequences and databetween these two methods eye measuring and blood flowing measuring,then we can summerize which one is better.（仔细理了下这段的思路，发现LZ最大的问题是论述上不够紧密不够承接，其实这段无非是想讲两个点：新机器不一定好，老机器不一定不好；与其空洞的说这两点（LZ这样空洞的去攻击，直接导致了层次上有点散乱），倒不如适当阐述下：老机器不一定不好是因为病人关心自己的病情，所以检查时还是会积极配合要求的；而新机器，只是排除了这些瑕疵，并一定就比老机器好。。）



Admittedly,the newhead-mounted device is definitely（difinitely?LZ这不是在打自己耳光了？既然都DEFINITELY了，那前面还花了大半段不是浪费了吗？让步要慎重点用，真的用了，也要注意语气上的转折） better than the old one ,but is itnecessary to replace the old device in all hospitals and researchinstitutions ? As the common sense that we have ,not all hospitals aregood at diagnosing brain ailments;Some of them may tend to save thepeople who are in accidences and some of them own certain amount ofcardiologists,so few hospitals need the new head-mounted device exceptsome certain hospital .In addition ,in reasearch institution , wherethe experts look forward for the instruments cencerning the certainsubjects as many as possiable that they could know more about thesubject on the manifold dimensions.（这句没看明白）（其实这一段的论述还是挺清楚的：））


To support theconclusion in this argument ,author should enumerate enoughevidences,such as the data of comparation of these two devices ,and thehospitals’real need of instruments。

其实LZ的作文没有LS说的那么不好，攻击点很清楚，只是论述上有点问题。
B2的论述其实比B1到位的多，虽然很简单，可是论述的很清楚，LZ可以自己再琢磨琢磨～～
加油！

xwjsarahUID: 2627269

你好，谢谢你为我改的文章。
从第二段开始我的思路就是，两种医疗的方法是基于两种原理的，一种是通过blood flow的检测，另一种是用过eye movement的检测。我开始是想说这两种方法在检测上会存在精确性的差异，差异所以就不能说由此来推理说是新机器好还是老机器好。之后就论述的具体两种机器的好坏比较，确实在论述上没有说清楚。也没有足够的例子说明。

第三段的最后一句话是想说很多研究机构是不一定换机器的，因为他们需要更多的机器来研究。（我终于明白我这句话的逻辑问题了）
那请问你有没有好的方式来说明研究机构要不要换机器这个问题？ 4# 番茄斗斗

xwjsarahUID: 2627269

是不是我第二段的逻辑攻击顺序应该颠倒一下？ 4# 番茄斗斗