ARGUMENT127 求好心人拍，特别迷茫不知道该按什么套路写

masiweiwayneUID: 2719057

不知道这样写下去对不对？   是不是文中的关联词，逻辑词，表示自己观点论理的句子少了点

"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits."

In this argument, the arguer advocates that Climpson can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic and improve overall profits by implementing electronic monitoring of employee's Internet in the view of several reasons mentioned in the argument. On the surface, it seems to be reasonable, but we may find that it is unconvincingly after clearly examining. My reasons are as follows.

To begin with, the arguer says that employees who use the Internet should be identified and punished. In my view, this recommence is vulnerable. For one thing, there is no evidence to show that most of employees use Internet to shopping and play games. Perhaps, only minority of employees like play games and shopping during the working time. The majority of employees don’t like to play games and shopping on the internet. For another thing, it is entirely possible that employees use Internet for work instead of recreational activities. For example, they use Internet to send e-mails to their bosses and they use GOOGLE WAVE to work together. Using Internet makes their work more efficient. Thus, this claim is unreliable.

Additionally, the assumption that installing software can prevent employees from wasting time is unwarranted.1.the the arguer overlook the other way employees to waste the time. It is very possible that the employees who can't shop by Internet would go outside to shopping. Or possibly, they would do some recreational activities without Internet, such as chatting, playing cards. 2. Implement electronic monitor may have opposite effect of working efficiency. Employees would feel unsafe under monitoring and they may resentful about this software and then resentful about this company and they may quit the job and by installing software, this software may slow the computer down. The arguer's assumption is flawed, unless he or she can ruling out my explanation.

Furthermore, even if the evidence turns out to support the foregoing assumption, the arguer claims that it would improve overall profit. Unfortunately, this claim is still open to doubt. the arguer dismisses the cost of this software. Perhaps, this software is very expensive and the cost of it may offset, even overweigh the revenue. and there are many factors influent the profit, such as the condition of the market, the worker's salary and so on. So without this information, the arguer's claim is definitely ill-conceived.

To sum up, the arguer's argument mentioned above is not based on valid evidence or sound reasoning, neither of which is dispensable for a conclusive argument. In order to draw a better conclusion, the arguer should add the evidence that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent the using company computer for personal activities on work time, can reduce the wasting of work hours, and can ensure the better work ethic and improvement of profits.