ISSUE170求拍，有拍必回-限时写的相当没感觉的ISSUE，求指出硬伤

lynnzhang2009UID: 2789534

TOPIC: ISSUE170 - "The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but the general welfare of all its people."
WORDS: 498
TIME: 00:47:53
DATE: 2010-4-9 23:31:02

Human civilization is advanced, the society is developing, all nations are pursuing to be a great one. Despite the world is more uniform and progressive, but people still wonder that what is the surest indicator of a great nation, is the achievements of national rules, artists, scientists or the general welfare of all its people? In accurately excessively emphasized one respect is inadvisable and unreasonable, and my point involves the rationale and all sided consideration is that both the achievement of its rulers, artists, or scientists and the general welfare of all its people are the important indicators of a great nation.

Firstly and basically, the author's contestation has some merits in that the general welfare of all its people insofar is the indicator of a great nation. Since the nation is developed, that its people can get some general and basic welfare, and they have the energy and ability to build more stable and harmonious society. In case that the general welfare of all its people can not be guaranteed, possibly they will be worry the situation that they lose work and ill and the welfare can not get. Furthermore, the society is in confusion duo to a host of people in the worried feeling. For example, in the age that the war happened or the economic crisis, the welfare can not be warranted by the nation. Hence to some extent it is stand for that the nation is poor and lag. Eventually, it is indisputable that we should not talk the great of a nation if the welfare of all its people can not be allocated.

Nevertheless, we should not neglect the significance of the achievements of national rules, artists, and scientists when we estimate a great nation while we recognize that it is correct for us to indicate a great nation by the general welfare of all its people. The rulers, artists, and scientists all are the aftermath of the progress of the human and society .Just imagine at ancient, the people and nation do not or poorly have
the achievement of its rulers, artists, and scientists, how can we talk a great nation. If a nation does not have the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, it do not have its features and own civilization and moreover do not be told a great nation.

Finally, we should both accentuate the achievements and welfare, that we can seek a effective method to advance our nation legitimately and steadily. In that way our nation will be a great nation, consequently we can estimate a great nation across the broad.

To sum up, when we make a proposition we should estimate it comprehensively and systematically. Based on the analysis made above, my conclusion is that when we estimate a nation whether it is a great we should consider the achievement of its rulers, artists, or scientists as well as the general welfare of all its people. Ultimately, we should seek a balance between the achievements and the general welfare for our nation aspires after becoming a great one.

sunflower_irisUID: 2720580

Human civilization is advanced, the society is developing, all nations are pursuing to be a great one. Despite the world is more uniform and progressive, but people still wonder that what is the surest indicator of a great nation, is the achievements of national rules, artists, scientists or the general welfare of all its people? In accurately excessively emphasized one respect is inadvisable and unreasonable, and my point involves the rationale and all sided consideration is that both the achievement of its rulers, artists, or scientists and the general welfare of all its people are the important indicators of a great nation.

Firstly and basically, the author's contestation has some merits in that the general welfare of all its people insofar is the indicator of a great nation. Since the nation is developed, that its people can get some general and basic welfare, and they have the energy and ability to build more stable and harmonious society. In case that the general welfare of all its people can not be guaranteed, possibly they will be worry the situation that they lose work and ill and the welfare can not get. Furthermore, the society is in confusion duo to a host of people in the worried feeling. For example, in the age that the war happened or the economic crisis, the welfare can not be warranted by the nation. Hence to some extent it is stand for that the nation is poor and lag. Eventually, it is indisputable that we should not talk the great of a nation if the welfare of all its people can not be allocated.（如主旨句所说明的，这一段讨论的是general welfare is the indicator of a great nation. 就我的理解，要更好地解释什么是indicator of a great nation，你应该首先明确什么是great nation，这是文章立论的根基。在整篇文章中，你试图解释什么是indicator，或者how important both of them，但是，并没有给出一个明确的回答说什么是great nation，如果，great nation是指经济强国，那么，general welfare就是indicator，如果，great nation不只指的是经济发达，同时也指精神水平、社会环境等等因素的发达，那么both of
them are important，你是这个意思是不是？如果在开头指出了这一点，之后的论述会更清晰，是不是？就这一点，你讨论了只有保障了welfare才有可能建立稳定和谐的环境，观点不错，但是你关注于guarantee welfare，而没有具体探讨为什么它是indicator，首先，当我们讨论这个nation是否great的时候，general welfare是不可忽略的因素，为什么呢，因为经济不发达就谈不上整体发展，物质基础是必须的，这是保障国家进步和发展的根基，great nation必然为人民提供富足的物质基础，贫困显然不是great nation的要素，对不对？然后，像你说的，如果welfare无法保障，那么会导致anxiety,最终阻碍社会发展，导致人民生活不幸福。所以，general welfare是indicator of a great nation不无道理。）

Nevertheless, we should not neglect the significance of the achievements of national rules, artists, and scientists when we estimate a great nation while we recognize that it is correct for us to indicate a great nation by the general welfare of all its people. The rulers, artists, and scientists all are the aftermath of the progress of the human and society .Just imagine at ancient, the people and nation do not or poorly have the achievement of its rulers, artists, and scientists, how can we talk a great nation. If a nation does not have the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, it do（does） not have its features and own civilization and moreover do not be told a great nation.（这一段的问题是，说理空泛，poorly have the achievement，具体指的是什么？at ancient也很空泛，举例来说，唐朝的中国是不是great nation?这是一个见仁见智的问题，在那个时代，它的确是，但是就现在而言，它可能不是。但在那个时代它的艺术水平、科技水平处于领先。西方例子，古希腊，文艺复兴时期的意大利，维多利亚时期的英国，你又如何说明它是否great呢？这种含糊的概念并不利于你的论证，像在B1提出的，什么是great nation，你应该去明确，我明白你的意思，great nation不仅仅指物质富足，也应该包括精神文明的进步，但是你没有明确地表达出来。）

Finally, we should both accentuate the achievements and welfare, that we can seek a(an) effective method to advance our nation legitimately and steadily. In that way our nation will be a great nation, consequently we can estimate a great nation across the broad.

To sum up, when we make a proposition we should estimate it comprehensively and systematically. Based on the analysis made above, my conclusion is that when we estimate a nation whether it is a great we should consider the achievement of its rulers, artists, or scientists as well as the general welfare of all its people. Ultimately, we should seek a balance between the achievements and the general welfare for our nation aspires after becoming a great one.
遣词造句都不错，文笔流畅，能看出不错的语言功底。有思路，也基本有自己的写作套路。这些都是优点。如果要说硬伤，就这篇文章来说，最大的问题在于说理空泛，B1/2的问题我写在了上面，包括论证的逻辑问题，B3想来你也不是很满意吧，我想这段可以放在结尾。在ISSUE的写作要求中，例子论证占据很重要的地位，这些例子不必非要是名人名言或者大的历史事件，可以是你的经历感受和常识，但切记不可空洞，例子越空，论述漏洞越大。加油：）