【1010G精英组】ARGUMENT53 F组回收站

lynnuanaUID: 2772328

14# lxin333

呵呵 :handshake

sorry把微微的 secondly段 转重了。。。。。

lxin333UID: 2650844

16# lynnuana
哇呀呀 我居然没发现是完全一模一样的

悦微微志燮UID: 2759026

16# lynnuana

悦微微志燮UID: 2759026

我终于能上网了...

carol.ljUID: 2764249

修改lynnuana的：
The speaker asserts, in the argument, that the moderate distress of infants and the shyness of teenagers later on is (are) caused by the excessive ingestion of melatonin during their fetal period. To support it
, he provides a follow-up study towards 25 children attempting to convince his audience. Unfortunately, due to the lack of several detailed experimental data and the unfounded analysis with some arbitrary causalities involved, the speaker’s conclusion seems unable to easily stand up.
First, the reduction of daylight could not be the only reason—even not the reason--- causing abnormal secretion of melatonin. As know to all, melatonin, as a natural and efficient sleep aid for the pregnant, is becoming popular for the time being. Most obstetricians and pharmacists would recommend melatonin tablets to the pregnant women to help regular sleep. Therefore, it is very possible that it is not the pregnant moms themselves who product the melatonin physically but the particular hormone medicine which potentially assist. Besides, even if the pregnant resisted taking any chemical, they could not avoid eating every day. Numerous kinds of foods, like milk, chocolate, corns, gingers and so forth, contain Melatonin. Once taking such kind of food too much, the moms also will excrete Melatonin anomaly. Finally, even if the pennant（这个单词打错了，pregnant moms） did not eat this kind of food, no evidence could bolster the assumption that sunlight in early autumn is the arch-criminal for melatonin secretion. Yes, human body would product more melatonin in the night than in the daytime. Yet this production has little relevance with sunshine but actually relates to the normal internal metabolism. Thus, whether in early autumn or not is probably not the reason for the mother to product more melatonin or less. In short, due to the reasons mentioned above, the speaker fails to offer a comprehensive cause analysis towards many other possibilities for over-level secretion of melatonin. （这一段用了让步式的攻击法，一层层地假设，再反推，说明了作者忽略了其他的可能性，melatonin的产生因素有很多。总之论证很充实，也很有层次感。语言流畅，句式也很灵活。学习了。）
Second, the speaker fails to make it clear that how much melatonin would be transported to the fetus. It is very possible that even if moms produced more melatonin, the fetus who would absorb little. Hence, the melatonin could only enter the maternal circulation with less provided to the fetus, which could not affect the fetal brain function directly, let alone the influence on the teenagers.（这里，进一步用了让步式地攻击法，还用了个对比）
Third, assuming melatonin indeed affect the brain function of fetus, no evidence reveals melatonin would be responsible for the personality formation of children. Maternal emotional and physical conditions would be the one（去掉） cause that impact the fetal character forming process. In another word, as the first connection between the fetuses and outside world, pregnant mothers’ emotion such as anger, grief, happiness or anxiety, or the pregnant age and health would definitely influence the fetuses from all aspects. Social environment is another cause. People would feel stress or uneasiness when staying in a new and totally strange place. This is human’s natural reaction. So does a child. That the infants, in the first test of the study, reacted with distress is probably not because of the voice and smell, but of the unfamiliar surroundings, such as the poker-faced researchers, the ice-cold test table or many children together, etc. As for the second test, on one hand, researchers did not provide the opinions towards the parents, teachers or peers of the teenagers to identify the youth as shy.，（原文中是teenagers觉得自已害羞，你这里有点怪）On the other hand, maybe the young people have experienced some tragedies from childhood to the teenage years, which results in the formation of shyness. Hence, whether melatonin would affect the personality formation of children is still open to doubt. （更进一步地用让步法攻击，说明了人的性格的形成因素是多种多样的，反驳了作者的观点）
Last but not least, the study, as the speaker highlights, is not so scientific and rigorous. Firstly, an experiment should make strict distinguish and definition between normal emotional reactions and abnormal or morbid reactions. But in the study, the researchers did not give such a clear division. The key words like “mild distress” or “shyness” is too broad. Secondly, the infant or youth samples are not adequately representative. Could the 25 infants represent millions of children in the world? Or could half of the teenagers (only 12 or 13 persons) represent them? The answer is absolutely no. Therefore, the unscientific or even arbitrary conclusion the speaker make would lead to a collapse of the whole analysis building.（主次攻击很明显）
A large Number of the youth in the world are suffering emotional problems at present. I appreciate the author’s concern about the children issues, yet his argument is unconvincing after a careful analysis. Such a statement would mislead the public opinion and to some extent, even bring about more potential social problems if put into practice.（小遗憾，有点放开了，可以围绕题目的结论，提出些建议）





点评：
我也是第一次写AGRUMENT，觉得你的算得上是一篇outstanding essay 了。跟你的一比，我的那篇磨磨蹭蹭的写得稀烂啊，惭愧～～你的作文让我学到了一些表达和行文的思路，学习了。

1．形式上，结构很严密，沿着一条逻辑链，一步步，一层层地反驳，层次感明晰，逻辑性很强。主要反驳了melatonin不一定导致婴儿期的羞涩。次要反驳了儿童性格的形成的原因。
2．内容上，材料很充实，论据还算丰富，展开式的讨论。
3．反驳方法上，大量地运用了让步攻击法，这样的一步步地深入，到最后就彻底驳斥了原文的整个逻辑体系。不要出现错误的假设就好了，有些时候主观上会太臆想了。还运用了主次攻击的方式，详略得当。
4，语言上，运用了多种句式，多音节的词也比较多，表达很丰富，可以看出功底不错啊，赞个！！我呀，底子薄，语言还没看出有什么错误或者表达上的不准确。。。
5．一小缺点，就是结尾处发散得太开了

lynnuanaUID: 2772328

19# 悦微微志燮

good to hear~~~

lynnuanaUID: 2772328

2# lxin333

红色：小词或补充  蓝色：句子  括号：点评 加粗：主题句子 下划线：标记 粉色：学习

Grounding on the study on the 25 infants who show signs of mild distress under unfamiliar stimuli and the follow-up study which shows their shyness when they become teenagers, and then synthesizing the two results, the author accordingly concludes that the increase of melatonin leads to the infants' shyness and this shyness continues to their later life. However, this argument contains a series of flaws, which contribute to its illogicality.

To begin with, the author relies on an unproven cause-and-effect relationship between the mild distress of infants and their conception（mom的conception还是infants reception（好像也不对）？） in early autumn which their mothers' production of melatonin increased, nor to mention the relationship between the distress of the infants and the increased melatonin. It is entirely possible that the distress of infants is a physiological reaction to unfamiliar stimuli.（举些例子更好，比如like other animals，blablabla...，感觉少了点什么） Also there is another reason（我觉得用possibility好一些） that the distress of the infants is attributed to other causes such as other hormones, genes, environment around them and so on. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author is unable to establish the cause-and-effect between the mild distress of infants and the increased melatonin of women, the author cannot confirm his conclusion base on the unpersuasive fact.

Even assume the relationship between the distress of infants and the increased melatonin exist. （，）The author fails to judge the accuracy and validity of the study. Is the number of 25 infants enough to represent all the infants? Hardly could we reach the conclusion just relying on such few subjects.（倒装+++） And how much more does the term "more likely" show the possibility of infants conceived in early autumn? May be there is just half of them are（挑骨头了，were） conceived during that time. Moreover, the following study lacks detailed portion of how many of these children are identified as shy by themselves with the term "more than half", which could be only 51% of them. Without take these（觉得少了名词，these what？） into account, the research study cannot be valid to support the conclusion.

Last but not the least（查了下不加the，加the是口语用法，学习！）, the author’s hasty generalization according to the following study is a fallacy. The author falsely equates distress and shyness, without a clear definition of distress and shyness. It is very likely that the infants who the teenagers who identified themselves（两个who有点懵，搞不清指代对象） as shy may simply affected by their parents or friends.（这里感觉和第二段一样，也少了具体形象的例子，for instance，blablabla...） For lack of clear evidence to prove a man will continue to be shy in his later life according his shyness showed when he was young, the author's opinion that the infants who shows signs of distress will be shy when they grow up and this shyness will continue in their later life is untenable.（我觉得如果body容量增加，结论句越简单越好）

In sum, the author's recommendation is ill conceived and poorly supported. To strengthen the argument, the author must provide me more information about the relationship between melatonin and distress, as well as the definition of distress and shyness is also needed（两句变一句）. In order（删！） to better evaluate the suggestions, the author should ensure that the sample in the two studies can represent all the infants. （最后加一句话就perfect了，比如“or I could not agree with his conclusion”）

点评：（个人意见，仅供参考：））
写的很好，你肯定写过一些Argu了吧？呵呵，用词用句非常argument！
唯一美中不足的是具体的例子分析有点少，似乎重点都放在文章结构上了，我觉得需要加入具体生动形象的例子或者类比之类的

lynnuanaUID: 2772328

8# isirui

红色：小词或补充  蓝色：句子  括号：点评 加粗：主题句子 下划线：标记

The argument presented above is relatively sound that the author considered that the increased levels of melatonin during the fetal period in the early autumn cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. And a 25 samples study is used to support the author’s conclusion. However, the author fails to recognize all the elements necessary to evaluate his situation. To clarify, it may be necessary to point some doubts to this argument.

First, the author did not give the details about how the melatonin affects some brain functions and only one kind of hormone could make so much affecting causing shyness(这句话好像与how或者about都连接不上)?（.） As we know， during the fetal period， many kinds of hormones are all necessary. So we can’t consider that only the increased levels of melatonin make it. May be some increase and some decrease, but how the others kind of hormones are taken in during the season of decreased daylight we don’t know in this argument. (似乎可以合一下句子：even if we can considered that only the increased levels of melatonin made it---may be some increase and some decrease，but how about other kind of hormones？We could not find any clue in this argument. )But(太多but，需要换词，Moreover？) in winter the daylights decreased more than in autumn. Why the author didn’t say（可以，不过我觉得最好用AW专用词，比如state，indicate，mention，point，blablabla...）
the infants may be conceived in winter, that is logical, we also could not find the answer in this argument. （我觉得此句可以与上面相对应，也用may be 开头，why有些突兀了）（划线部分可以与上面合为一句：which is more logical.后面有续貂括字之嫌）And（删？） what is more important is that（学习！不用it开头，赞！） how the melatonin affects some brain functions and makes the infants show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. We don’t see any necessary relation between melatonin and behave.（太oral了，最好多找些范文看下，形成自己的AW分论点书面结尾句，economist的debate中也有很多不错的）

Even the increased melatonin really is（语法：is really） the cause of shyness
the infants have shown，（断句！） it is one of causes—not the only reason（换词，好！）. （缺少连接词，therefore？）The opinion that the shyness caused by increased levels of melatonin continues into later life could not be upheld. These children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy may be affected by many elements such as family, education, district where they live…（删）and so on. （少连接词，Also？或者与下文对应，将when they were born写在本句开头？）Children could be affected easily even they may be like as each other （没看懂~~）when they were born. In the teenager period, who took regular education are mostly different from who took poor education or no education. How can you（这个you吓我一跳！我没说呀~~应该写the speaker吧？呵呵） make sure that they maybe likewise identify themselves as shy? Who took regular education maybe feel confident because of their knowledge, however maybe their childhood were full of pressures and they acted shy in teenager period. So many unknown and unpredictable elements will happen to（on？） these children—now teenagers, who identifies himself as shy now may become open and chatty when he（前后句对应：they） grow up and experienced more. The social environment, education, family, career, friendship, and physical condition are all the elements which can influence their characters. Obviously we can’t forecast what can change the children, so（重复了，换词） we can’t be sure that the shyness cause by the increased levels of melatonin continues into their life as the author said either.（这句结尾比较AW）

Lastly（是文章最后一段么？这个词好像是最后一个分论点第一句了）, the number of samples is not enough to support the author’s conclusion either. So （重复了，删掉就可以了）what I want to say is that the author’s conclusion may be right but it is short of enough details and logic（举个例子呢？）. If he keeps on this study, he could consider it deeper and more complete as I said（删） above. Considering（if provided） more and（删？） more elements, the analysis will be reasonable and make other more（句子平衡，还要加more） believe in it（可以换成convincing，两个形容词用and平衡）.

点评：（仅供参考哈！）
1 篇章结构：可以找出使人信服的攻击点，但是缺少了最后一段总结。虽然ets批卷的时候对因为时间不能完成结尾的文章比较宽松，但是我觉得平常练的时候不能省略。
2 逻辑连接：有的缺少连接词，有的连接词重复，需要换词
3 第三段挺好的，比较充实，只是逻辑连接上要加加工~~
我觉得这篇文章逻辑链找的不错的，就是写的时候需要考虑一下每段行文的层次和逻辑联系，让考官读着顺，一目了然。

isiruiUID: 2772448

2# lxin333

我头一次写Argument,也很少写作文了,头一次改别人的作文,学习中~~

Grounding on the study on the 25 infants who show signs of mild distress under unfamiliar stimuli and the follow-up study which shows their shyness when they become teenagers, and then synthesizing the two results, the author accordingly concludes that the increase of melatonin leads to the infants' shyness and this shyness continues to their later life. However, this argument contains a series of flaws, which contribute to its illogicality.

第一段总结一些Argument里面的主要逻辑思路,并且提出这是存在逻辑错误的.

To begin with, the author relies on an unproven cause-and-effect relationship between the mild distress of infants and their conception in early autumn which their mothers' production of melatonin increased, nor to mention the relationship between the distress of the infants and the increased melatonin. It is entirely possible that the distress of infants is a physiological reaction to unfamiliar stimuli. Also there is another reason that the distress of the infants is attributed to other causes such as other hormones, genes, environment around them and so on. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author is unable to establish the cause-and-effect between the mild distress of infants and the increased melatonin of women, the author cannot confirm his conclusion base on the unpersuasive fact.

否定作者的同时,最后给出了总结,很值得学习.

Even assume the relationship between the distress of infants and the increased melatonin exist(让步肯定,在argu里面很常见的). The author fails to judge the accuracy and validity of the study. Is the number of 25 infants enough to represent all the infants? Hardly could we reach the conclusion just relying on such few subjects. And how much more does the term "more likely" show the possibility of infants conceived in early autumn? May be there is just half of them are conceived during that time. Moreover, the following study lacks detailed portion of how many of these children are identified as shy by themselves with the term "more than half", which could be only 51% of them. Without take these into account, the research study cannot be valid to support the
conclusion.

一层层的来披露作者的漏洞.(不过我觉得统计数据样本不是一个很重大的疑点,我只是在末尾提了一句,不知道说的是否正确)

Last but not the least, the author’s hasty generalization according to the following study is a fallacy. The author falsely equates distress and shyness, without a clear definition of distress and shyness. It is very likely that the infants who the teenagers who identified themselves as shy may simply affected by their parents or friends. For lack of clear evidence to prove a man will continue to be shy in his later life according his shyness showed when he was young, the author's opinion that the infants who shows signs of distress will be shy when they grow up and this shyness will continue in their later life is untenable.

这段写的我觉得非常好,而且据理力争的感觉.

In sum, the author's recommendation is ill conceived and poorly supported. To strengthen the argument, the author must provide me more information about the relationship between melatonin and distress, the definition of distress and shyness is also needed. In order to better evaluate the suggestions, the author should ensure that the sample in the two studies can represent all the infants.

是不是每个Argument都可以这样的方式结尾呢?

总体感觉写的很棒,至少会专注于两点来进行驳论.不过中间对于25的样本发问,我依旧觉得有点赘述,只是一点而过即可,因为这不像是最重要的方面,仅作参考~谢谢~
希望大家对我的文章多提意见,第一次写没啥经验~~

isirui_磊子

悦微微志燮UID: 2759026

3# carol.lj
Based on a follow-up study in infants, the author presents the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. The argument is relatively sound, however, it relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, which render it unconvincing as it stands.
           First of all, the author uses a few exceptional cases as the basis for a claim about that melatonin is relative to the infants’ shyness. As mentioned in the argument, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli stimuli（重复了？）such as anunusal odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. The sample for the survey includes only 25 infants, which capacity is too small to be lack of representation in general. Consequently, in the context of investigation of a small area, the statistical evidence of the survey upon which the argument relies is too vague to be persuadable.
      Secondly, it’s nevertheless impossible to assess the author's assertion that infants would show signs of mild distress , at least without an agreed-upon definition of that argument . On the one hand, the author fails to prove the signs could delegate a feeling of mild distress. In common sense, an infant cannot express his/her feeling through language and writing, so it’s possible that the signs are not mild distress, but others. Probably these signs are expressions of excitement or delighting. On the other hand, how could the researchers make sure the voice is unknown to the infants? Maybe the infants have been（删？） heard same voice which parents did not noticed. Meanwhile, lacking (+of?)such evidence and scientific basis to explain the effectiveness of the melatonin, Whether this impact on infant, the author cannot reasonably conclude that infants would show signs of mild distress.
         Finally, the author’s assertion that shyness which results from melatonin continues into later life is not persuadable .For one thing,the study conducted earlier this year is unsubstantial. For aother thing, Personality is not static, precisely because very person grows in the complex social environment.（待扩展）
Obviously, the formation of character is not only due to postnatal development diversity, but also the parents’ affect , personal experience, and life(living?) environment. Such posibilitise would serve to undermine the author’s claim that shyness should continues into later life.
         In sum, the author’s assertion for the survey is ill conceived and poorly supported. To better assess the study’s reliability I would need more information about the infants .
我觉得这篇文章写的还是挺好的，句子不错，有些句型值得借鉴，就有一些小小的细节性错误，单词也很丰富。
条理性很强，从事实说起但不显得罗嗦。

shannonyUID: 2524183

8# isirui

The argument presented above is relatively sound that the author considered that the increased levels of melatonin during the fetal period, in the early autumn cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. And a 25 samples study is used to support the author’s conclusion. However, the author fails to recognize all the elements necessary to evaluate his situation. To clarify [clarify是及物动词吧，后面是否需要加宾语？], it may be necessary to point  [point out]some doubts to this argument.
First, the author did not give the details about how the melatonin affects some brain functions and only one kind of hormone could make so much affecting causing shyness? As we know during the fetal period many kinds of hormones are all necessary, we can’t consider that only the increased levels of melatonin make it. May be some increase and some decrease, but how the others kind [other kinds] of hormones are taken in during the season of decreased daylight we don’t know in this argument. [这句话有些问题，表述不清] But in winter the daylights decreased more than in autumn. Why the author didn’t say the infants may be conceived in winter, that is logical, we also could not find the answer in this argument. And what is more important is that how the melatonin affects some brain functions and makes the infants show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. We don’t see any necessary relation between melatonin and behave. [句子表达不地道，有些语法错误，句与句之间的连接词用得有些混乱]
Even the increased melatonin really is [is really] the cause of shyness the infants have shown it is one of causes—not the only reason.[不太理解这句话] The opinion that the shyness caused by increased levels of melatonin continues into later life could not be upheld. These children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy may be affected by many elements such as family, education, district where they live…and so on. [用词有些重复，比如affect] Children could be affected easily even they may be like as each other when they were born.[这里是想说“即使他们出生的时候很相似”吧，表述有问题] In the teenager period, who took regular education are mostly different from who took poor education or no education. How can you[用第二人称合适吗？] make sure that they maybe likewise identify themselves as shy? Who took regular education maybe feel confident because of their knowledge, however [or] maybe their childhood were full of pressures and they acted shy in teenager period. So many unknown and unpredictable elements will happen [时态错误，改为would have happened?我也不确定这个] to these children—now teenagers, who identifies himself[单复数不一致] as shy now may become open and chatty when he[单复数与前面不一致] grow up and experienced more. The social environment, education, family, career, friendship, and physical condition are all the elements which can influence their characters. Obviously we can’t forecast what can change the children, so we can’t be sure that the shyness cause[caused] by the increased levels of melatonin continues into their life as the author said either.[我觉得这一段讲的错误和上一段的有一定的重复]
Lastly, the number of samples is not enough to support the author’s conclusion either. [这一个错误没有深入论述]So what I want to say is that the author’s conclusion may be right but it is short of enough details and logic. If he keeps on this study, he could consider it deeper and more complete as I said above. Considering more and more elements, the analysis will be reasonable and make other believe in it.

[整篇文章来说感觉比较单薄，思路不够清晰紧凑。语言比较单调，不够丰富。有些语法错误是完全可以避免的。不过作为第一篇全文写作我觉得还是不错的，至少比我的好啊～～]