TPO4 独立写作 作文求改。。。谢谢筒子们～

cherry224UID: 2432656

Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In twenty years, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

With the striking booming of human society, more and more people have capability to possess their own cars, and even some of individuals own a fair proportion of cars seem to express their high-quality position in the society. However, I have to suggest that this viewpoint is selfish at least, and even detrimental in the long run, and thus the more people realized this point, the fewer prople would like to keep using cars. Although there stand hundreds of reasons behind my analysis, I would only explore some of them here.

First, in terms of the headaches about global environment, more and more schorlars stand out and insist that we shall reduce using cars for its conspicuous demerits, since large amount of fuel consumption for cars renders the “greenhouse effct”. Particularly, today, we have no alternative but to limte the car use to alleviate environment pollution. For example, in some European country, certain days have been required to use no personal cars, or in some certain place, like park or enviroment protection area, people can use cars by no means. In this situation, those countries fairly bring the threat of car pollution to an end. In contrast, if the country tries to produce more cars to accumulate money, chances are pretty good for it to end up with confronting much serious menace. Anyway, dealing with environment pollution shall cost much more money and other human or substantial resource.

Besides, a wide assortment of people today are occupied with doing many things, and it always turns out that seldom of them have enough time to go to gym. In this case, shortage of exercise certainly comes hand in hand with its inborn disadvantages, it is possible that people would gain much weight and thus body condition become weak. However, if the individual tries to go to work by bicycle or by walking if possible, he would build his body during this time, and the threaten of getting fat could be decreased naturally. Also, those busy people virtually have no need to worry about saving time to do exercise, since replacing go out by cars, walking or using bicycle is both preferable for keeping healthy.

Of course, using cars also make sense in some certain circumstances, especially in the emergency instance. When facing to dissasters like earthquake, avalanche, and tsunami, etc, cars are the most useful vehicle to help ensure people’s safety. Although cars contribute vast to people, it also renders air pollution, incorrect life style, and traffic jam, or even energy crices for human bings.

Therefore, based on we discuss above, we could easily draw the conclution that there will be fewer cars in use in twenty years, and the demerits the cars renders to human shall always be regarded as necessities.

cherry224UID: 2432656

自己顶呀，，有没好心人帮忙看下呀，，，，什么意见都可以。。。。
对自己的写作完全没底～～～～

odiehereUID: 2502172

hi 楼主
我觉得写得挺好的呀，看得出楼主的英文功底还是挺不错d！
好的地方很多，我就不废话了，挑点儿毛病，别介意哈~
1. 我能非常明显的嗅到很重的魔版气息——尤其是第一段！其实文章的整体结构也是经典的2+1魔版模式啦~ 我很难揣测ets的raters是怎么想的，但是我如果去评分的话，我可能不给这样的文章打满分——因为用魔版在我看来就是不自信以及英文表达不能自如的表现啊。我觉得楼主如果有这样的水平在的话，其实大可不必非要用魔版的~ 当然对于水平较低的同学另当别论了。
2. 文章感觉内容还是不够充实。看得出楼主花了很多时间和精力在语言的润色上，但是明显感觉到有些句子是为了追求复杂长难句式而写出来的。比如：First, in terms of the headaches about global environment, more and more schorlars stand out and insist that we shall reduce using cars for its conspicuous demerits, since large amount of fuel consumption for cars renders the “greenhouse effct”.
有些词也显得过大，过空。我觉得ets的raters不一定喜欢这样。t的作文拿满分不一定要大词汇啦。
3. 有时候如果真的没什么好些的话最好就是用身边的例子，或者自己的例子更好。比如说尾气污染的时候就可以说自己的家乡因为汽车泛滥造成了如何如何的环境变化，给人如何如何的麻烦啦。说的越细越好。
个人意见啦~ 仅供参考
2# cherry224

writing-editorUID: 2834207

1# cherry224    With the striking booming of human society, more and more people have capability to possess their own cars(因为社会发展了， 人们就可以买车，逻辑错误), and even some of individuals own a fair proportion of cars seem to express their high-quality position in the society （作为中国人我知道这句话的意思，但外国人基本看不懂）. However, I have to suggest that this viewpoint （是哪一个viewpoint? 第一句话还是第二句？） is selfish（？，为什么是自私的，我不这样认为） at least, and even detrimental （语法错误，转折连词链接两个句子，后面句子需要主语）in the long run, and thus the more people realized this point, the fewer prople （想使用平行结构，而成分却不平行 realized – would like to keep）would like to keep using cars. Although there stand hundreds of reasons behind my analysis, I would only explore some of them here(说了半天，还是不知道你的观点是什么)                                                                                                                                                                                 时间所限，只能改第一段了。                                                                                                                                                                                                With rapid economic development more people around the world are able to buy cars, and, in some parts of the world, owning a car even symbolizes one’s social status. Admittedly, owning a car offers various benefits to both car owners and car manufactures. However, this has also caused and is still causing serious personal, environmental, and social ramifications. Consequently, I agree with the claim than in two decades the number of cars running on road would be significantly reduced.  作者邱林 qiulin@ivyleaguechina.com