Definitely, a victory 小组第2次作业 Issue16 By 森森霖

fayememoUID: 2687181

“Althoughmany people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life areentirely harmless, they actually prevent people from developing into trulystrong and independent individuals.”


开头：重述主题
Technologyand tools makes life more convenient and efficient today, and luxury, based onthe increased life standard, is becoming more acceptable in modern life. Itseems that our life, although full of these conceptions, is harmless and somekind of benefit. However, the convenient and luxury life are leading usbecoming a less independent and strong person virtually.

技术和工具的革新让生活更便捷。人们之间的互相合作提高了效率。但是这使得人们互相依赖，而回避独立完成事情。
Largevarieties of technology and tools are the fundament of modern convenient life,and they require division and cooperation of work provided by human. A highlyefficient society cannot be funded without the interaction among people. Butpeople tend to rely much more on the interaction and cooperation ignoring theirown abilities to accomplish tasks. For example, a newspaper guy providesnewspaper-sending service to make the clients get newspaper only from their ownmailboxes. And the waiter in the fast food restaurant also renders services to thenewspaper guy to make him have lunch without cooking. People enjoy the joy andefficiency created by division and cooperation of work but losing the abilityto accomplish tasks all by themselves. In their point of views, independencecan be the cost of convenience totally.

人们把更多的重点放在外表或者生活品质上，而忽略了能力。（但是我不知道要怎么举例，好像自己写的有点偏题）
Asthe same, people are more eager to luxury instead of evaluating the capability.More and more people try to prove themselves by wearing costly clothes, havingmeals in extravagant restaurants and driving sumptuous cars, not through theirown capabilities and fraternize like before. Moreover, people are becoming morelikely to draw their vision to the person with large sum of luxuries instead ofstrong spirit. (例子不知道该怎么举)

总结：没有必要退回到简单质朴的生活，我们只需要在现在的生活中添加一些独立性和能力的培养。
Theconvenient and luxury of modern life is an irreversible process. It is unnecessaryto turn our life back to complex and poor. But how to improve our own abilityand try to make ourselves more independent in this society is a persistenttheme that will benefit ourselves.


这篇文章写的很少，好像是我每篇issue都会出现的毛病，不知道要怎么论述。所以想麻烦批改的同学在这方面给我一点建议。谢谢啦~  ^^
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yogurt4UID: 198389

Itseems that our life, although full of these conceptions, is harmless and somekind of benefit.

Our life is harmless and benefit.  这是什么？


Large［单词之间空格］varieties of technology and tools are the fundament ［没见过这个单词，还是那句话，作文写完自己多读读再拿上来］ of modern convenient life,and they require division and cooperation of work provided by human.

你这句强调现代生活的便利是要求人们的分工还是合作？不是很明白。你后面两个例子，一个从信箱拿报纸，一个自己不煮饭，的确是不够independent。但是正是因为现代生活的发展节省了人们花在这种烦琐小事的时间跟精力，才能更专注于学习与工作，社会的科技跟文明才发展了呀。自己去买报纸，煮个饭，有什么大意思吗？没有。这个论点的立意太低。题目如果阐释成依赖科技导致人跟人交往的能力变差了，或者老开车没车不出门而且特别胖类似的会比较好。

后面的没看。问题大大的多。抛开issue的内容，你还有一个很明显的问题就是  脑子里面想的是A，发展到B。写到纸上就是A跟B。很仓促很突然，你自己写肯定不觉得有问题，看你作文的人会发现缺少了从A到B的过程。你没有把你思考的过程落到笔下，所以文章有点难读。

另外继续注意格式哈，字体啊语法啊。。这篇还有什么问题可以在这楼里问，I will follow up.

claire530UID: 2363559

已改

fayememoUID: 2687181

2# yogurt4


谢谢你的批改。问题很多，特别特别多。我会针对你提的这些一点一点去改。前两天小组讨论的时候也让我学到了很多东西。

谢谢你。我会努力！