KeeeeenW作文贴

KeeeeenWUID：2592937

去年10月份考过一次托福，几个月没碰，写托福作文有点不适应了，各位请多多指教！XDXD

6.20 It is important to know the event happening around the world that not affect your daily life, do you agree or disagree?

Sometimes an event causes long-term effect on people's life but people do not notice until it happens. Consequently, people should know the events happening around them even though the events might not affect them at present.

People should be aware of the economic development of the world, because what happens in one country may lead to potentially damage on citizens in another country. After the 2008 crash of American financial market, the citizens in Iceland, the country investing vast amount of American sub-prime mortgage, suffered from their country's economic decision. Most of citizens who abandoned their original jobs and engaged in investing American market lost their money in the market. However, some citizens, who knew what was happing in America and the latent devastation of the event, polled out their investment rapidly and saved themselves from financial burden.

People also should care about environmental issues around them, because the issues affect people's health and their children’s development. The industry revolution introduced a more convenient but polluted world. Some people tend to ignore the fact that the potable water they drink and the air they inhale contain harmful chemicals from their neighborhood factory. Several decades ago, discarding waste into the river, people were unaware of its hidden damage to the ecosystem of aquatic organism and its potential destruction of their drinking water. Environmental pollution jeopardizes people's health, and the best way for people to avoid or enchase their environment commences with knowing the environmental issues happening around them.Reading the news papers, browsing the internet for newest information on protecting their environment, people could know the potential damages of their conducts and avoid them in effective ways.

Admittedly, it is impossible to know potential damage of every event to people's daily life. However, knowing as much as possible will help people make prudent and informed decision to protect themselves from downfall.

小羽暮雪UID：2837865

6.20 It is important to know the event happening around the world that not affect your daily life, do you agree or disagree?

Sometimes an event causes long-term effect on people's life but people do not notice until it happens. Consequently, people should know the events happening around them even though the events might not affect them at present.

People should be aware of the economic development of the world, because what happens in one country may lead to potentially damage on citizens in another country. (After the 2008 crash of American financial market, the citizens in Iceland, the country investing vast amount of American sub-prime mortgage, suffered from their country's economic decision. Most of citizens who abandoned their original jobs and engaged in investing American market lost their money in the market. However, some citizens, who knew what was happing in America and the latent devastation of the event, polled out（是poll out还是pull out？） their investment rapidly and saved themselves from financial burden.)例证很具体，值得学习。

People also should care about environmental issues around them, because the issues affect people's health and their children’s development. The industry revolution introduced a more convenient but polluted world. Some people tend to ignore the fact that the potable water they drink and the air they inhale contain harmful chemicals from their neighborhood factory. Several decades ago, discarding waste into the river, people were unaware of its hidden damage to the ecosystem of aquatic organism and its potential destruction of their drinking water. Environmental pollution jeopardizes people's health, and the best way for people to avoid or enchase their environment commences with knowing the environmental issues happening around them.Reading the news papers, browsing the internet for newest information on protecting their environment, people could know the potential damages of their conducts and avoid them in effective ways.（通过人们对环境问题的了解来展开，但是好像和主题有点脱节，文题的主要论点是和关注与人们不相关的事情是否重要。例子也写的很好！）

+ _7 ]2 O7 U: d6 F% e
  A8 ]# }& Z& `6 v

Admittedly, it is impossible to know potential damage of every event to people's daily life. However, knowing as much as possible will help people make prudent and informed decision to protect themselves from downfall.

总体而言，文章论证具体，论点清晰，语言流畅多变，几乎没有错误，值得学习。个人建议可以更切题一些。

KeeeeenWUID：2592937

2# jbc88

我也觉得我的第三段有点干，谢谢提醒，那我要注意下改下第三段。。。

KeeeeenWUID：2592937

3# 小羽暮雪

谢谢你的提醒哈。。。第三段我本来想表达的意思是，人们以前认为环境问题是与他们的生活不相干的，没有意识到环境问题的潜在威胁，现在意识到了后悔莫及。。这个思路如何？好像还是有点别扭，我再看看你们的例子:)

KeeeeenWUID：2592937

6.22 周二（09.3.13北美)
无法对他人说好话时应该什么也不说：
Sometimes, if you can not say anything nice to someone, you should say nothing at all.

People intend to ignore their own flaws. A genuine person will tell his friends about their flaws to help them improve themselves. Similarly, people should also point out the issues of their nation instead of boasting their nation in all conditions.

Friends care about friends, so they point out other's flaws. When I was in primary school, one of my friends who were concerned about my unpolished appearance remained me to keep myself natty whenever I was in the public places especially in school. Never having considered my appearance, I discovered my muddy face, the untied button of my shirts, and the chaotic status of my hair. As a genuine friend, Li, who pointed out my flaws, helped me improve myself in a positive way. Several years later, when I was facing multitude employers in an interview, I felt confident about my natty appearance and eloquent conversation style. As result, couple of interviewers gave me their offers immediately after the interview and praised me both my appearance and intrinsic abilities.

Citizens of a nation should also point out the flaws of their country. Discrimination was a long-lasting issue of American society before the 1960s, but people, rooted in the society of segregation and instilled by the school on the differences of colored people, either afraid or unwilling to point out their nation's issue that hinders its growth. Longing for changing the situation, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. initiated the Civil Rights Movement in America to help the African Americans struggling to gain their rights. The movement was a tremendous success: people around the country participated in "sit-in", boycott and other forms of non-violent protests to gain their right via a positive way. Eventually, the segregation was banished, and Dr. King and other activists who insist to point out the issues of their nation healed a “wound” of the nation.

Euphonium sometimes jeopardizes people's achievements as well as a nation' development. People should remind their friends about their flaws, and more importantly, people should unveil and challenge the issues of their own nation to enhance its prosperity and equality.

tmdxlpUID：2745223

Sometimes, if you can not say anything nice to someone, you should say nothing at all.

People intend to ignore their own flaws. A genuine person will tell his friends about their flaws to help them improve themselves. Similarly, people should also point out the issues of their nation instead of boasting their nation in all conditions.

Friends care about friends, so they point out other's flaws. When I was in primary school, one of my friends who were concerned about my unpolished appearance remained me to keep myself natty whenever I was in the public places especially in school. Never having considered my appearance, I discovered （I discovered？觉得这句话翻译起来有点怪怪的，不知道可不可以直接把I discovered，替换成破折号，表说明。） my muddy face, the untied button of my shirts, and the chaotic status of my hair. As a genuine friend, Li, who pointed out my flaws, helped me improve myself in a positive way. Several years later, when I was facing multitude employers in an interview, I felt confident about my natty appearance and eloquent conversation style. As result, couple of interviewers gave me their offers immediately after the interview and praised me both my appearance and intrinsic abilities.  （说实话，觉得这个例子有点不是那么很有说服力，你可以说小的时候邋遢，没有人陪你玩，大家都不喜欢你，然后有个朋友指出了你这个缺点，你就改变了形象，结果你又重新有了朋友。或者找不到工作，然后朋友指出了你的缺点，结果你终于有工作了。但是如果是小时候指出了你的缺点，导致你长大后了得到很多offer，这个就让人感觉有点牵强）

Citizens of a nation should also point out the flaws of their country. Discrimination was a long-lasting issue of American society before the 1960s, but people, rooted in the society of segregation and instilled by the school on the differences of colored people, either afraid or unwilling to point out their nation's issue that hinders its growth. Longing for changing the situation, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. initiated the Civil Rights Movement in America to help the African Americans struggling to gain their rights. The movement was a tremendous success: people around the country participated in "sit-in", boycott and other forms of non-violent protests to gain their right via a positive way. Eventually, the segregation was banished, and Dr. King and other activists who insist to point out the issues of their nation healed a “wound” of the nation.

Euphonium sometimes jeopardizes people's achievements as well as a nation' development. People should remind their friends about their flaws, and more importantly, people should unveil and challenge the issues of their own nation to enhance its prosperity and equality.

1、        能用比较高级的词汇表达，很厉害
2、        文章结构清晰，从朋友，到国家，由小到大
3、        觉得例子不够贴切
4、        能问一下你上一次考托福作文多少分么？


其实想和你讨论一下，这篇文章我写得时候也十分困惑，标题有了一个sometimes，所以是不是如果想要证明是say nothing at all 是错误的，那么我们就应该证明无论任何时候，如果我们不能say something nice to someone，我们也不能say nothing at all。也就是说无论任何时候，沉默都是最不好的。

KeeeeenWUID：2592937

谢谢你对第一个例子的提醒！那我就说没小朋友和我玩，他们也不给我说为什么，最后一位同学给我说了，我从此朋友遍天下？？

我上次24分，小作文扣了很多。。。

“无论任何时候，沉默都是最不好的” 有点忽律了那个anything nice to someone. 这个题正面理解应该是我们在任何情况下都不能说别人坏话，因为那会伤害别人。我觉得这个题目最好的写法是写反面：人应该指出他人的错误，以帮助他人。然后就写几个名人的例子就可以了，或者写写错误给人带来的问题，然后指出错误怎么解决了问题，就像你给我的第一个例子一样。

个人理解哈，仅供参考:)

懒人一枚UID：2838780

People intend to ignore their own flaws. A genuine person will tell his friends about their flaws to help them improve themselves. Similarly, people should also point out the issues of their nation(?感觉有点突然) instead of boasting their nation in all conditions.# \* ^) C# Y7 O+ t+ F  C( _
* ?% O6 _" h! G7 ^5 l
Friends care about friends, so they point out other's flaws. When I was in primary school, one of my friends who were concerned about my unpolished appearance remained me to keep myself natty whenever I was in the public places especially in school. Never having considered my appearance, I discovered（感觉这词不太合适noticed？） my muddy face, the untied button of my shirts （untied shirt buttons）, and the chaotic status of my hair. As a genuine friend, Li, who pointed out my flaws, helped me improve myself in a positive way. Several years later, when I was facing multitude employers (a multitude of employers?) in an interview, I felt confident about my natty appearance and eloquent(这个用法感觉很怪，没见过，style是否能eloquent？) conversational style. As result, couple of interviewers gave me their offers immediately after the interview and praised me （for）both my appearance and intrinsic abilities.1 Y! S; X% E( S* G

  E; ?! h& |* V( E; \Citizens of a nation （我们说citizens of a country, 但是这种用法没见过） should also point out the flaws of their country（？）. Discrimination was a long-lasting issue of American society before the 1960s, but people, rooted in the society of segregation and instilled by the school on the differences of colored people, are either afraid or unwilling to point out their nation's issue that hinders its growth. Longing for changing the situation, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. initiated the Civil Rights Movement in America to help the African Americans struggling to gain their rights. The movement was a tremendous success: people around the country (美国人好像更喜欢说states) participated in "sit-in", boycott and other forms of non-violent protests to gain their right via a positive way. Eventually, the segregation was banished, and Dr. King and other activists who insist to point out the issues of their nation healed a “wound” of the nation.
! k, L! x3 u: S9 j0 b' Y/ q8 i/ ?3 H/ y* N
Euphonium sometimes jeopardizes people's achievements as well as a nation' development （恕我水平太洼，这句没看懂，请给讲一下。）. People should remind their friends about their flaws, and more importantly, people should unveil and challenge the issues of their own nation to enhance its prosperity and equality.

结构不错，但是感觉例子不太合适，而且很突兀，没有过渡。你用了很多书面的或者是formal的词汇，但是感觉是为用而用，有的地方很怪异，而后面你又出现了natty这样的词，文章基调就不太一致。当然我们改的时候时间充分，可以查字典，可以google，写的时候急急忙忙地，很多细节就注意不到。而且我改很多地方也是凭感觉，大家有不同意见可以讨论一下，更有利于进步。

KeeeeenWUID：2592937

9# 懒人一枚

nation 那不突然吧？ 从人到国家？noticed 要好点。a multitude of 是正规用法。 一般是eloquent speech，的确这里修饰style没有很恰当。citizens of a country 没有问题吧？around the states 的确地道一些，around the country 没有错。最后一句话应该是euphony 而不是 euphonium。 我觉得用在这不怎么恰当，还是用“taciturnity sometimes jeopardizes people's achievements as well as a nation' development” 这样要贴切一些:)


我觉得我的用词和句子都不怎么怪异呀。natty的确有点口语化，kempt 要书面点，当时想不起词了。。呵呵。第一个例子是有点不贴切，tmdxlp同学叫我改成“没小朋友和我玩，他们也不给我说为什么，最后一位同学给我说了，我从此收获了很多朋友”，这样要贴切的多。

KeeeeenWUID：2592937

6.24周四（09.02.27北美）
喜欢多放假多薪水，还是少放假少薪水：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time.

Traveling with friends or families is one of the best ways to extricate people from endless toils of their works. People with higher salaries tend to have more stressful work but less vacation time. One the other hand, people with lower income work less painstakingly but receive more vacation. People with more vacation live more joyful and satisfying life because they can travel to farther places and spend more time with their family.

Traveling to distanced places requires extra time on the airplane. Having more vacation time, families from America can take their children to other parts of the world to experience different culture. Children are taught in school about the magnificent Great Wall in China, the grandiose and mysterious pyramid  in Egypt, and the engaging forest in Australia. Experience these scenes personally, children acquires more knowledge than those who read books and newspaper about the world at home because of the shorter vacation time of their parents.

Admittedly, some people might argue that taking trips to other parts of the world requires the expense that could only be afford by people with high salaries. However, with advanced technology and striking low prices offered by online shopping, trips for farther distance are not as expensive as the trips in the past. Families can purchase their tickets in half prices on the internet, and book their hotel via online service in affordable prices. In  addition, people ,nowadays having more expensive social network around the world can dramatically reduce the  expenditure of traveling by the staying in the house of foreign friends.

Thanks to the newest innovations, people with more vacations but lower income enjoys traveling more than those with high salaries but  shorter vacation; consequently, parents, spending more time on vacation with their children, maintain a joyful and intimate family with relatively affordable prices.

FFFMZJBUID：2479141

6.24周四（09.02.27北美）
喜欢多放假多薪水，还是少放假少薪水：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vaca ...
KeeeeenW 发表于 2010-6-24 18:49

请把WORD版本传上来

KeeeeenWUID：2592937

12# FFFMZJB

传上去了。。修改模式？

tmdxlpUID：2745223

6.24周四（09.02.27北美）
喜欢多放假多薪水，还是少放假少薪水：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time.


Traveling with friends or families is one of the best ways to extricate people from endless toils of their works. People with higher salaries tend to have more stressful work but less vacation time. One the other hand, people with lower income work less painstakingly but receive more vacation. People with more vacation live more joyful and satisfying life because they can travel to farther places and spend more time with their family.(第一段论证的很清晰，用词也高级，好)

Traveling to distanced places requires extra time on the airplane. （感觉句话不适合作为第一句，不过我是从字面意思来理解的，如果我理解错了，不要鄙视我，哈哈）Having more vacation time, families from America can take their children to other parts of the world to experience different culture. Children are taught in school about the magnificent Great Wall in China, the grandiose and mysterious pyramid in Egypt, and the engaging forest in Australia. Experience these scenes personally, children acquires more knowledge than those who read books and newspaper about the world at home because of the shorter vacation time of their parents. （1、有了更多的vacation time，父母就能有更多的时间陪孩子了。2、论述。3、总结。觉得这样子，结构会更清晰一点）

Admittedly, some people might argue that taking trips to other parts of the world requires the expense that could only be afford by people with high salaries. However, with advanced technology and striking low prices offered by online shopping, trips for farther distance are not as expensive as the trips in the past. Families can purchase their tickets in half prices on the internet, and book their hotel via online service in affordable prices. In  addition, people ,nowadays having more expensive social network around the world can dramatically reduce the expenditure of traveling by the staying in the house of foreign friends. （承接上一段，进一步对观点进行论述，超级好，让人有种豁然开朗的感觉。但是论证却稍显得有点无力。要是你能继续让步会更好。比如，1、网络能让我们的费用变得便宜。2、就算还是不能负担，与家人在一起，去一些附近的地方，亲近自然，也会让我们的家庭生活更加融洽，这也是vacation的一种）

Thanks to the newest innovations, people with more vacations but lower income enjoys traveling more than those with high salaries but shorter vacation; consequently, parents, spending more time on vacation with their children, maintain a joyful and intimate family with relatively affordable prices.(总结最后一段稍显仓促，最好能对全文进行总结)

FFFMZJBUID：2479141

12# FFFMZJB

传上去了。。修改模式？
KeeeeenW 发表于 2010-6-25 16:41

在我的能力范围内给你修改了一版，见附件。

你的那个修改模式是怎么弄的呢，我也想把我的文章弄成那样的，这样修改起来就比较方便了，谢谢。