飞跃美利坚作文大训练

lxg198607UID: 2564115

Since the first day we stepped into school, homework（have） becomes the absolute key word of our student life(lives). It is never a rare phenomenon that teachers assign homework to study every day. In contrast to it is that some people claim that daily homework is nonsense which may bring numerous negative impacts such as overloaded pressure to our next generation. However, personally speaking, I bolster that daily homework is necessary rather than meaningless, when analysis are taken one step further than those who are against it.' q# ~% V6 ?: {
First and foremost, daily homework offer a clear（这啥意思，） path for us to apply what we learn into practice. As the old saying goes, practice makes perfect. It is daily homework that provides a opportunity for you（我决得作文里人称最好统一，你上面用US， 下面怎么用you了。） to make use of what you learned in class. It is daily homework that assists you to check where the leak（这个词，我绝得不太适合，可以用Problem吧。） is in your knowledge system. It is daily homework that guides you the direction to improve yourself. Without it, we are just like walking in the totally darkness（in the dark）. Not to mention, acquiring knowledge more perfect through practice.
Secondly, homework also acts as a tool which may assist you to develop a habit to keep studying. The world we live in contains so many things we need to learn. Meanwhile, studying should be considered as a lifelong issue. Through those endless but meaningful daily homework, studying every day will become a habit even a irreplaceable part of your life. Several years later, those knowledge accumulated via daily study will surely show you a colossal surprise.  

On the other hand, homework is a efficient method for teachers to testify（这个词感觉不对啊，用evaluate咋样？） their teaching. There is no doubt that daily homework is the most direct, real and reliable reflection of students’ learning. Teachers may find out which point he or she did not make clear for students in class and improve teaching skills in the future. Also, updating their storage of teaching material on time via those reflection, which will surely skyrocket the interest of students’ learning.! M9

a0 ?"
g5 ?! `5 o7 h
To sum up, although it may have some negative sides for students to accomplish those daily homework, students can also benefit more from it. After those analysis exhibited above, we can easily deduce the opinion that daily homework is essential rather than meaningless for students. 7 z. }3 k

作文1 P; ^. q8 k- S3 P& g
作文整体不错，但感觉有些用词要斟酌下的。。

694055322UID: 2792795

前天帮你改的作文竟然忘记发上来，sorry
7月10日
Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Do you think that daily homework is necessary for students? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Since the first day we stepped into the school, homework has becomes the absolute key word of usour (这是同位语，Chinglish)students life. It is never a rare phenomenon that teachers assign homework to study every day. In contrast ,to it is that some people claim that daily homework makes little sense is nonsense which may bring numerous negative impacts such as overloaded pressure to studentsour next generation. However, personally speaking, I bolster that daily homework is necessary rather than meaningless, when analysis isare taken one step further than those who are against it.

First and foremost, daily homework offer a clear path for us to apply what we learn into practice. As the old saying goes, practice makes perfect. It is daily homework that provides an opportunity for you to make use of what you learned in class. It is daily homework that assists you to check where the leak is in your knowledge system. It is daily homework that guides you the direction to improve yourself. Without it, we are just like walking in the totally darkness. Not to mention, acquiring knowledge more perfect through practice.（我觉得这句话有点问题，应该是你的关联词用得不妥当的缘故，把 not to mention改成what’s more怎么样？）

Secondly, homework also acts as a tool which may assist you to develop a habit to keep studying. The world we live in contains so many things we need to learn. Meanwhile, studying should be considered as a lifelong issue. Through those endless but meaningful daily homework, studying every day will become a habit even a irreplaceable part of your life. Several years later, those knowledge accumulated via daily study will surely show you a colossal surprise（surprise what？too abstract.try to use some concrete words）.

On the other hand, homework is an efficient method for teachers to testify their teaching. There is no doubt that daily homework is the most direct, real and reliable reflection of students’ learning. Teachers may find out which point he or she did not make clear for students in class and improve teaching skills in the future. Also, updating their storage of teaching material on time via those reflection, which will surely skyrocket the interest of students’ learning.

To sum up, although it may have some negative sides for students to accomplish those daily homework, students can also benefit more from it. After those analysis exhibited above, we can easily deduce the opinion that daily homework is essential rather than meaningless for students.

peggy890UID: 2812709

7月13日
It’s better to watch serious movies that help people think than to watch movies that could amuse and entertain people.


Movies, as a remarkably significant form of art, have already brought numerous joyfulness and happiness to our daily life. Meanwhile, it also offers a access to us to experience those serious topics, even dark-side of our human society. Beneath such a circumstance, some people who prefer to enjoy those serious movies hold the perspective, saying that, it is better to watch serious movies that motivate us to think than to watch those cozy, funny comedies. However, when variety of life is taken into consideration, advantages such as further thinking about life serious movies brought to us can not compete with those ones provided by amusing films.
First and foremost, various culture experience are in need of us to satisfy our picky taste. Based on my personal philosophy, life should be multi-optional procedure rather than a single choice. Since the limitation of our life span, living circumstance and also social circus, what we can witness is also countable. Movies, as a reflection of individual life, are surely essential tools for us to broaden our eye view. What we want to acquire from it may include not only serious theme exhibited by the Avatar directed by Cameron but also funny jokes offered by popular comedy Home Alone.
Secondly, embraced by cozy, leisure and comfortable atmosphere created by those entertaining movies, we can take a break after work. As the old saying goes, working without play make Tom a dull boy. It is known that we human being need to have a rest after long-time hard work.. Since the occurrence of economical tsunami from the Wall Street, the working load born by those white-collars are increasing with the time. Beneath such a tantalizing high-pressure working circumstance, if they have to think about serious theme exhibited in a serious movie such as the blockbuster 2012, how terrible feeling those exhausted individuals would be! In contrast, some cozy movies can elaborate liberate them from those heavy-burden of work and laughing with sincere joyfulness.
Admittedly, we human beings are obliged to consider those serious issues on the planet. Nevertheless, it does not mean a better way for individual to watch movies which is packed with heavy social burdens. At certain improper time, it may have negative effects that bother or annoy peoples rather than revoking their care, which is against with our initial willings.
To sum up, when attention are paid to various choice of life experience and taking a break, we can easily deduce from those analysis above that it is not always better to watch serious movies which may arose our think than to watch those amusing entertaining films.


7月13日by peggy.doc (22 KB, 下载次数: 2)

2010-7-13 20:50:00 上传

下载次数: 2

lxg198607UID: 2564115

Movies, as a remarkably significant form of art, have already brought numerous joyfulness and happiness to our daily life. Meanwhile, it also offers a（an） access to us to experience those serious topics, even dark-side of our human society. Beneath such a circumstance, some people who prefer to enjoy those serious movies hold the perspective, saying that, it is better to watch serious movies that motivate us to think than to watch those cozy, funny comedies. However, when variety of life is taken into consideration, advantages such as further thinking about life serious movies brought to us(delete ) can not compete with those ones provided by amusing films.

First and foremost, various culture experience are in need of us to (need  to) satisfy our picky taste. Based on my personal philosophy, life should be multi-optional procedure rather than a single choice. Since the limitation of our life span, living circumstance and also social circus, what we can witness is also countable. Movies, as a reflection of individual life, are surely essential tools for us to broaden our eye view. What we want to acquire from it may include not only serious theme exhibited by the Avatar directed by Cameron but also funny jokes offered by popular comedy Home Alone.

Secondly, embraced by cozy, leisure and comfortable atmosphere created by those entertaining movies, we can take a break after work. As the old saying goes, working without play make Tom a dull boy. It is known that we human being need to have a rest after long-time hard work.. Since the occurrence of economical tsunami from the Wall Street, the working load born by those white-collars are increasing with the time. Beneath such a tantalizing high-pressure working circumstance, if they have to think about serious theme exhibited in a serious movie such as the blockbuster 2012, how terrible feeling those exhausted individuals would be! In contrast, some cozy movies can elaborate liberate them from those heavy-burden of work and laughing with sincere joyfulness.

Admittedly, we human beings are obliged to consider those serious issues on the planet. Nevertheless, it does not mean a better way for individual to watch movies which is packed with heavy social burdens. At certain improper time, it may have negative effects that bother or annoy peoples rather than revoking their care, which is against with our initial willings
.$ L1 M3 o; F: w4 e
To sum up, when attention are paid to various choice of life experience and taking a break, we can easily deduce from those analysis above that it is not always better to watch serious movies which may arose our think than to watch those amusing entertaining films.1
楼主的用词很华丽de说。老实说，有些句子我都不太懂, Anyway, a good essay..

peggy890UID: 2812709

34# lxg198607

恩，谢谢你
我现在就是很苦恼自己这个毛病，老是写的很chiglish
然后就让人看不懂了。。。。啊啊啊啊

NO.xiaoyuyuUID: 2842596

Movies, as a remarkably significant form of art, have already brought numerous joyfulness and happiness to our daily life. Meanwhile, it also offers an (a) access to us to experience those serious topics, even dark-side of our human society. Beneath such a circumstance, some people who prefer to enjoy those serious movies hold(ing) the perspective, saying that, it is better to watch serious movies that motivate us to think than to watch those cozy, funny comedies. However, when variety of life is taken into consideration, advantages such as further thinking about life serious movies brought to us can not compete with those ones provided by amusing films.- j6 f! q/ e  s9 x; E
First and foremost, various culture experience is (are) in need of us to satisfy our picky taste. Based on my personal philosophy, life should be multi-optional procedure rather than a single choice. Since the limitation of our life span, living circumstance and also social circus, what we can witness is also countable. Movies, as a reflection of individual life, are surely essential tools for us to broaden our eye(s) view. What we want to acquire from it may include not only serious theme exhibited by the Avatar directed by Cameron but also funny jokes offered by popular comedy Home Alone.$ d. r/ Y8 u6 ^* r9 x, L8 i
Secondly, embraced by cozy, leisure and comfortable atmosphere created by those entertaining movies, we can take a break after work. As the old saying goes, working without play make Tom a dull boy. It is known that we human being need to have a rest after long-time hard work.. Since the occurrence of economical tsunami from the Wall Street, the working load born by those white-collars are increasing with the time. Beneath such a tantalizing high-pressure working circumstance, if they have to think about serious theme exhibited in a serious movie such as the blockbuster 2012, how terrible feeling those exhausted individuals would be! In contrast, some cozy movies can elaborate liberate them from those heavy-burden of work and laughing with sincere joyfulness.
Admittedly, we human beings are obliged to consider those serious issues on the planet. Nevertheless, it does not mean a better way for individual to watch movies which is packed with heavy social burdens. At certain improper time, it may have negative effects that bother or annoy peoples rather than revoking their care, which is against with our initial willings.3 @9 H6 d1 k2 z+ b+ j& r: A
To sum up, when attention are paid to various choice of life experience and taking a break, we can easily deduce from those analysis above that it is not always better to watch serious movies which may arose our think than to watch those amusing entertaining films.

楼主的词句真的是华丽丽啊～领教了～
ps：我也感觉我提出的观点不是很深刻，这是我的缺点～谢谢楼主给我提出！鼓掌！

peggy890UID: 2812709

7月15日

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day I could enjoy the glamorous view on the top of the Empire Skyscraper in New York. I have a dream that one day I could drive my car through the Channel Avenue in Paris. I have a dream that one day I could trap into the passion of ‘crazy shopping’ in huge malls in Tokyo. I have a dream, a dream concerning living in various places rather than living in one city all my life, since variety of life induces me.
To begin with, moving to different place offer a opportunity for you to enjoy various civilization around the world. Life is a procedure, which we would like to decorate it with various color rather than keep it pale. That is, moving to another place instead of staying in a spot all life long. If you move to world economy hub, New York, those bustling life in the Wall Street may be fresh for you. If you move to fashion capital, Paris, those elegant luxury fashion products may be hyper-attractive to you. If you move to historic city, Carol, those mysterious pyramids and Valley of Kings may tell you the truth that history can satisfy your curiosity as possible as it can. Moving among different cities just like appreciating glamorous civilization, which not only broaden your eye view but also enrich your life experience.
Secondly, friends are made when you moving to different places. Once you went to a strange place, communication with local people is the first step for you to participate a new life. Through chatting or playing with those guys, new friends who may share the same habits with you are found out. Even in a new place, you will not feel lonely. Instead, you harvest more friendship here than before, which also means the expansion of your social circle.
On the other hand, moving among diverse places is helpful for you to find out your Eden. Although we may depict the ideal place we’d like to live with our lover for thousands time in our mind, it is still too abstract for us to realize. Moving to different places also means various experience. Through your personal experience, you may finally locate your ideal Eden in real world. Take myself as a example, I always dream to live in cosmopolitan city. Until I moved to Chengdu did I realize that there is my dream place to live, which satisfied me with moisture climate, leisure life style and dizzy kinds of snacks.
To sum up, moving to another place is prior for you when diverse spices of life, expanding social circle and pursue of dream place are taken into consideration. After concrete analysis above, one could easily deduce the conclusion that moving to disparate cities or countries is the supreme choice.



715by peggy.doc (22.5 KB, 下载次数: 3)

2010-7-15 21:58:58 上传

下载次数: 3

peggy890UID: 2812709

7.17
All students should be required to take basic science classes even if they are not this major.


The twentieth century has witnessed the dramatic changes in our daily life, thanks to those dramatic inventions in sophisticated science and technology. Admittedly, when referring to the education of basic science, some people may bolster the opinion that it is no need for all students to take elementary science class if they are not major in it. Personally speaking, when holding a long-term perspective rather than caring about current profits, we can easily deduce from general principles, saying that, taking basic science classes is essential for all students.
To begin with, basic science classes acted as the role to arise our interest towards scientific phenomena. Even if we are not major in subject that is related to science explorations, we still possess the basic curiosity of human beings explicitly or implicitly. For those hidden curious person, primary science class is helpful for them to evoke it and enjoy themselves in the fantastic world of science. Taking basic science class has nothing to do with whether you major it or not, instead, it plays a more vital role to evoke our interest on science.
Admittedly, what we can learn from primary science class contains not only scientific principles but also methodology to solve various problems. From the theory of gravity of Issac Newton, we may acquire the skill of assumption through the observation of ordinary phenomena, such as drop of apples from branches. From the Darwin’s evolutionary principles, we may obtain how to apply those original data into the structure of scientific model. From the general principle of electricity discovered by Franklin, we may learn how to make use of experiments to identify our speculations.
On the other hand, knowledge provided by basic scientific class is also practical for us to apply it into daily life. When I was excited about the theory of lever principle, I have never imagined how magic it would be to help me carry things. I applied such a theory to move the heavy stone away from my bicycle, when I was only 10 years old.
In a word, although it is impossible that everybody to become a scientist, we are still entitled the right to receive basic scientific education. If you perceive this argument with a sustainable eye view, you will surely deduce that those general principles may lead your way to appreciate the wonder of science, those basic theories may teach you method to solve other problems with ease, those elementary science knowledge can also facilitate your life.

NO.xiaoyuyuUID: 2842596

The twentieth century has (been) witnessed the dramatic changes in our daily lives (life), thanks to those dramatic inventions in sophisticated science and technology. Admittedly, when referring to the education of basic science, some people may bolster the opinion that it is no need for all students to take elementary science class if they are not major in it. Personally speaking, when holding a long-term perspective rather than caring about current profits, we can easily deduce from general principles, saying that, taking basic science classes is essential for all students.
To begin with, basic science classes acted as the role to arise our interest towards scientific phenomena. Even if we are not major in subject that is related to science explorations, we still possess the basic curiosity of human beings explicitly or implicitly. For those hidden curious person, primary science class is helpful for them to evoke it and enjoy themselves in the fantastic world of science. Taking basic science class (es) have (has) nothing to do with whether you major (in) it or not, instead, it plays a more vital role to evoke our interest on science.
Admittedly, what we can learn from primary science class contains not only scientific principles but also methodology to solve various problems. From the theory of gravity of Issac Newton, we may acquire the skill of assumption through the observation of ordinary phenomena, such as drop of apples from branches. From the Darwin’s evolutionary principles, we may obtain how to apply those original data into the structure of scientific model. From the general principle of electricity discovered by Franklin, we may learn how to make use of experiments to identify our speculations.
On the other hand, knowledge provided by basic scientific class is also practical for us to apply it into daily life. When I was excited about the theory of lever principle, I have never imagined how magic it would be to help me carry things. I applied such a theory to move the heavy stone away from my bicycle, when I was only 10 years old.
In a word, although it is impossible that everybody to become a scientist, we are still entitled the right to receive basic scientific education. If you perceive this argument with a sustainable eye view, you will surely deduce that those general principles may lead your way to appreciate the wonder of science, those basic theories may teach you method to solve other problems with ease, those elementary science knowledge can also facilitate your life.
楼主的很多语句和用词都值得我学习！ 期待回改！
ps 我有几个问题想与你交流下：
1 楼主是按照规定时间内写完吗 我老是超时 怎么办？
2 有什么好的方法能帮助增加像一些有水平的句子和词汇啊？

englishjobUID: 2692369

7.151 U. f! Y9 @* x8 ~: p$ n/ L, Z# Npeople should live in the city or country all life instead of moving to another place

Outline---1 enjoy various culture of different place
        2 make friends to enlarge your social circle
        3 find out the most proper place to live via experiencing

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day I could enjoy the glamorous view on the top of the Empire Skyscraper in New York. I have a dream that one day I could drive my car through the Channel Avenue in Paris. I have a dream that one day I could trap into the passion of ‘crazy shopping’ in huge malls in Tokyo. I have a dream, a dream concerning living in various places rather than living in one city all my life, since variety of life induces me.
To begin with, moving to different place offer a opportunity for you to enjoy various civilization around the world. Life is a procedure, which we would like to decorate it with various color rather than keep it pale. That is, moving to another place instead of staying in a spot all life long. If you move to world economy hub, New York, those bustling life in the Wall Street may be fresh for you. If you move to fashion capital, Paris, those elegant luxury fashion products may be hyper-attractive to you. If you move to historic city, Carol, those mysterious pyramids and Valley of Kings may tell you the truth that history can satisfy your curiosity as possible as it can. Moving among different cities just like appreciating glamorous civilization, which not only broaden your eye view but also enrich your life experience.(开头的排比很好，但是这个庞大的开头是不是显得有些头重脚轻？)
Secondly, friends are made when you moving to different places. Once you went to a strange place, communication with local people is the first step for you to participate a new life. Through chatting or playing with those guys（guy是个非常不正式的词）, new friends who may share the same habits with you are found out. Even in a new place, you will not feel lonely. Instead, you harvest more friendship here than before, which also means the expansion of your social circle.
On the other hand, moving among diverse places is helpful for you to find out your Eden. Although depict(depicted) the ideal place we’d like to live with our lover for thousands time in our mind, it is still too abstract for us to realize. Moving to different places also means various experience. Through your personal experience, you may finally locate your ideal Eden in real world. Take myself as a example, I always dream to live in cosmopolitan city. Until I(MS前后主句和状语从句的主语一样，从句的主语可以删掉) moved to Chengdu did I realize that there is my dream place to live, which satisfied me with moisture climate, leisure life style and dizzy（？？DIZZY?? various） kinds of snacks.
To sum up, moving to another place is prior for(这个词组应该用错了) you when diverse spices of life, expanding social circle and pursue of(pursuing) dream place are taken into consideration. After concrete analysis above, one could easily deduce the conclusion that moving to disparate cities or countries is the supreme choice.

SilviaZhoUID: 2236948

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day I could enjoy the glamorous view on the top of the Empire Skyscraper in New York. I have a dream that one day I could drive my car through the Channel Avenue in Paris. I have a dream that one day I could trap into the passion of ‘crazy shopping’ in huge malls in Tokyo. I have a dream, a dream concerning living in various places rather than living in one city all my life, since variety of life induces me.
To begin with, moving to different place offer(s) a(n) opportunity for you to enjoy various civilization around the world. Life is a procedure, which we would like to decorate it with various color rather than keep(ing) it pale. That is, moving to another place instead of staying in a spot all life long. If you move to world economy hub, New York, those bustling life in the Wall Street may be fresh for you. If you move to fashion capital, Paris, those elegant luxury fashion products may be hyper-attractive to you. If you move to historic city, Carol, those mysterious pyramids and Valley of Kings may tell you the truth that history can satisfy your curiosity as possible as it can. Moving among different cities just like appreciating glamorous civilization, which not only broaden your eye view but also enrich your life experience.这段挺漂亮，和开头一样。% b7 C) R+ {; J$ b3 S! s

Secondly, friends are made when you are moving to different places. Once you went to a strange place, communication with local people is the first step for you to participate in a new life. Through chatting or playing with those guys, new friends who may share the same habits(hobbies/interests是不是更好些？share the same habits貌似不大妥） with you are found out. Even in a new place, you will not feel lonely. Instead, you harvest more friendship here than before, which also means the expansion of your social circle.: f2 K7 Y0 `" L0 C# |; o; j+ J! o

On the other hand, moving among diverse places is helpful for you to find out your Eden. Although we may depict the ideal place we’d like to live with our lover for thousands time in our mind, it is still too abstract for us to realize. Moving to different places also means various experience. Through your personal experience, you may finally locate your ideal Eden in real world. Take myself as a(n) example, I always dream to live in cosmopolitan city. Until I moved to Chengdu did I realize that there is my dream place to live, which satisfied me with moisture climate, leisure life style and dizzy kinds of snacks.5 I* q3 Y7 L. N4 ^

To sum up, moving to another place is prior for you when diverse spices of life(这句话是不是有点问题，没看太明白）, expanding social circle and pursueing of(去掉of) dream place are taken into consideration. After concrete analysis above, one could easily deduce the conclusion that moving to disparate cities or countries is the supreme(这个词主要是权力、级别和身份地位上的一种最高，至高无上，有神圣和庄严的色彩在里面） choice.

giserUID: 2844945

改稿见附件

peggy890UID: 2812709

7.20
Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money


Stepping into an entirely new era, we have already witnesses the dramatic changes happened in both life styles and values. When referring to commercial field, some people may bolster a relatively negative opinion, saying that mania of money is the only impetus for businessmen. Admittedly, businessmen pursue the maximum through exchange. Nevertheless, in contrast with those people is my heartfelt objection, when the kindness and personal dream are taken into full consideration.
As is known to all, merchants who always possess majority of wealth act as the backbone to support those charities. Since they make profit from their commercial activities, they would like to return those profit they obtained to the society. Take the example of Bill Gates, the world’s richest businessmen for 12 years in recent decades, as a example. Although Gates is so wealthy that it is possible for them to pursue all the luxuries to entertain himself. Gates picked up another way that is devoting himself and his Gate’s Fund into doing some charity. He cares about the world’s deepest poverty, the worst inequity, scarcity of clean water, girls can not go to school, children who die from disease we can cure. What he did has nothing to do with desire of money, instead, it symbolize his kindness, mercy and sincere care about the world.
Secondly, doing business is one of crystal dreams of people. As it is concerned, we plant the seed of dream in our mind since we were young. Some people may want to be a writer, who is as great as J.K Rowling. Some people may want to be a politician, maybe excellent enough to be a senator. Some people may want to be a athlete, maybe skilled enough to be a second David Beckham. Different people own various dreams which need them to realize via endeavor. So individuals may dream to be a fantastic businessman, even powerful enough to build another miracle in the electronic device market as Apple Inc. It is undeniable that majority of businessmen hold such a dream, a dream to realize himself, a dream to achieve his goal, rather than motivated by the so-called desire of money.
To sum up, it is unwise to definite that all businessmen make deals with other, mainly due to the mania of money and enhance their property. When the belief of achieving themselves and assist those who are in need are analyzed, we may change our opinion and buttress that money is not their motivation to do business.

7月20日.doc (21.5 KB, 下载次数: 2)

2010-7-20 14:58:34 上传

下载次数: 2

gavinfengUID: 2720524

Stepping into an entirely new era, we have already witnessed the dramatic changes happened (happening会不会好一点) in both life styles and values. When referring to commercial field, some people may bolster a relatively negative opinion, saying that mania of money is the only impetus for businessmen. Admittedly, businessmen pursue the maximum through exchange. Nevertheless, in contrast with those people is my heartfelt objection, when the kindness and personal dream are taken into full consideration.
As is known to all, merchants who always possess majority of wealth act as the backbone to support those charities. Since they make profit from their commercial activities, they would like to return those profit they obtained to the society. Take the example of Bill Gates, the world’s richest businessmen for 12 years in recent decades, as a example. Although Gates is so wealthy that it is possible for him to pursue all the luxuries to entertain himself, Gates picks up another way that is devoting himself and his Gate’s Fund into doing some charity. He cares about the world’s deepest poverty, the worst inequity, scarcity of clean water, girls who can not go to school, children who die from disease we can cure. What he did has nothing to do with desire of money, instead, it symbolize his kindness, mercy and sincere care about the world.
Secondly, doing business is one of crystal dreams of people. As it is concerned, we plant the seed of dream in our mind since we were young. Some people may want to be a writer, who is as great as J.K Rowling. Some people may want to be a politician, maybe excellent enough to be a senator. Some people may want to be an athlete, maybe skilled enough to be a second David Beckham. Different people own various dreams which need them to realize via endeavor. So individuals may dream to be a fantastic businessman, even powerful enough to build another miracle in the electronic device market as Apple Inc. It is undeniable that majority of businessmen hold such a dream, a dream to realize himself, a dream to achieve his goal, rather than motivated by the so-called desire of money.
To sum up, it is unwise to definite that all businessmen make deals with other, mainly due to the mania of money and enhance their property. When the belief of achieving themselves and assist those who are in need are analyzed, we may change our opinion and buttress that money is not their motivation to do business.
例子很具体很能解释问题，说理也很充分，但我觉得如果开头能说一下其实也有商人是以追求钱财为目的的会显得更加客观。
第一次修改，对遣词造句没有太深体会，只能修改一下语法的小失误，请多多包涵~

dy008UID: 2284812

Stepping into an entirely new era, we have already witnesses the dramatic changes happened in both life styles and values. When referring to commercial field, some people may bolster a relatively negative opinion, saying that mania of money is the only impetus for businessmen. Admittedly, businessmen pursue the maximum through exchange. Nevertheless, in contrast with those people is my heartfelt objection, when the kindness and personal dream are taken into full consideration.
As is known to all, merchants who always possess majority of wealth act as the backbone to support those charities. Since they make profit from their commercial activities, they would like to devote those profits they obtained from the society. Take the example of Bill Gates, the world’s richest businessmen for 12 years in recent decades, as an example. Although Gates is so wealthy that it is possible for them to pursue all the luxuries to entertain himself, he picked up another way that is devoting himself and his Gate’s Fund into doing some charity. He cares about the world’s deepest poverty, the worst inequity, scarcity of clean water, girls can not go to school, children who die from disease we can cure. What he did has nothing to do with desire of money, instead, it symbolize his kindness, mercy and sincere care about the world.
Secondly, doing business is one of crystal dreams of people. As it is concerned, we plant the seed of dream in our mind since we were young. Some people may want to be a writer, who is as great as J.K Rowling. Some people may want to be a politician, maybe excellent enough to be a senator. Some people may want to be an athlete, maybe skilled enough to be a second David Beckham. Different people own various dreams which need them to realize via endeavor. So individuals may dream to be a fantastic businessman, even powerful enough to build another miracle in the electronic device market as Apple Inc. It is undeniable that majority of businessmen hold such a dream, a dream to realize himself, a dream to achieve his goal, rather than motivated by the so-called desire of money.
To sum up, it is unwise to definite that all businessmen make deals with other, mainly due to the mania of money and enhance their property. When the belief of achieving themselves and assist those who are in need are analyzed, we may change our opinion and buttress that money is not their motivation to do business

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