Issue48，请高人指点——欢迎各种拍砖

NobitauUID: 2839232

我要在8月份考GRE作文，这是我写的一篇Issue文章，麻烦高人指点一下，看看有什么问题，哪里还需要加强，在这里先谢谢了。

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

The research of history places too much stress on individuals, the group of people whose identities have long been forgotten was the most major events and trends in history were made possible not by famous few. The speaker claimed so, the groups of people should be paid close attention, because they should more become a hero. I think this problem have a two respect.

Firstly, I consider that only real and enough great human can be remembered by people. For example, Thomas Alva Edison who was man invented a electric light, this invention given people more time to do their everything they want, he helped almost every body and even promote modern science technical, so people remember him, because he enough great. And such a Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela who is a man abolish the South Africa racial discrimination, he has liberated those slave and has given them enough freedom until today, so people remember him and not only black man but most white man even whole worlds people remember him, because he is really so great. Through these two example, we can know, only really enough great human can be remembered by people, because their contribute for history is not limited to their city or nation, it was effective to whole worlds.

Secondly, I concede that many significant events and trends in history by many groups of people, like a famous war in history, it was not only one can make and to be success, but it must have a key human to lead the war. For example, The Civil War which was in order to liberate the slave of black man, at first the south army which supported to liberate slave was not to prepare and at a inferior, but The Abraham Lincoln who was the president at time, declared abolish slavery and allowed black man can join the army, so so many black man join the war lead final the war was success. Everybody of army was so great, but if not had a key man like a Lincoln, the war be wanted win was so difficult, others wars were same. So, through the example we can know, a famous groups of people need a key human to lead or to have a determine can finish major events or trends in history, so we can’t ignore the individual effect in history.

The speaker’s consider, we should take more an attention to groups of people not a few of famous people, because the significant incident and currents in history may were made by them. In my opinion, only really enough great human can borad the stage of history, tough the group of people were affect on major evens, and only key individual can make decision for history events, if not have key individual, the most incidents were difficult to get a opportunity to change the bad status. So I concider, research of history should emphasis on individuals still.

In sum, the famous of history individual had been remembered by people until today is have reason, people can not remember a individual who has done anything. And why people not emphasis the group of people? I think the reason is there are so many people in the group we can not to care everyone and no matter everything all have key individual, people pay more attention to them is so naturally. So I disagree with the speaker’s claim.

NobitauUID: 2839232

等待高人来

lingli_xiaoaiUID: 172506

修改站位。

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

The research of history places too much stress on individuals, the group of people whose identities have long been forgotten was the most major events and trends in history were made possible not by famous few. The speaker claimed so, the groups of people should be paid close attention, because they should more become a hero. [这句话很难看明白是什么意思。不过开头用两句话重复题目，但是自己的观点并没有出来，并不是很恰当]I think this problem [什么problem？]have a two respect[aspect needs to be considered, before xxxxxx 尽量写出来一个完整的句子.]

Firstly, I consider that only real and enough [用这两个词语修饰great比较奇怪] great human can be remembered by people. For example, Thomas Alva Edison who was man invented a electric light, this invention given people more time to do their everything they want, he helped almost every body and even promote[improve or advance] modern science technical[technology], [.] so people remember him, because he enough great [ great enough].[你可以说人们记得他并不是因为research of history 放了太多精力在few上，而是这few的贡献是不可以忽视的。来联系题目]And such a Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela [这个句子有点奇怪]who is a man abolish[一个人废除了歧视？] the South Africa racial discrimination,[。] he has liberated those slave and has given them enough freedom until today, so people remember him and not only black man but most white man even whole worlds[只有一个世界] people remember him, because he is really so great[太口语化了]. Through these two example, we can know, only really enough great human can be remembered by people, because their contribute [contributions to ] for history [society] is not limited to their city or nation, it was effective to whole worlds[but extend to the whole world]. 语法错误比较多，句子和词汇很简单，有一个很简单的错误是，逗号不能在没有连接词的情况下，连接完整句，单词的单复数问题都要注意。另外great这个词语用了太多次了。注意积累同义词。

Secondly, I concede that many significant events and trends in history [动词？] by many groups of people, like a famous war in history, it was not only one can make and to be success, but it must have a key human to lead the war. [这句话后半句太难懂了。Concede是承认，这样子看上去这段英国是让步，而不是反对题目。另外这个句子表达有严重问题。It was not only 和but 后面的句子，没有转折关系。]
For example, The Civil War which was [动词？] in order to liberate the slave of black man [这句话的意思是黑人的奴隶？], at first the south army which [who] supported [the freedom of slaves] to liberate slave was not to prepare [prepared] and [ therefore ]at a[an] inferior [compared with …….], but The Abraham Lincoln who was the president at time, declared abolish slavery and allowed black man can [to] join the army, so so many black man join the war lead final the war was success.  Everybody of army was so great, but if not [for]  had[去掉] a key man like a Lincoln, the war be wanted [什么意思？]win was so difficult, others wars were [the] same. So, through the[this] example we can know, a famous groups [到底是a还是groups] of people need a key human to lead or to have a determine[ 不明白什么意思]can finish[accomplish] major events or trends in history, so we can’t ignore the individual effect in history.

[你的段落里面语法错误太多，我一般不是不改语法的，所以后面的段落我不继续修改语法了。你错的都是一些很简单的语法，看一本简单的大学英语语法就可以解决问题] [这段的内容例子上不错，但是你还是要回到主题上来，基本上你的英语表达严重限制了你文章的意思。本来你想写的内容是很切题的，但是表达上欠缺了。这个问题只有靠你自己多看英语文章，学习表达]

The speaker’s consider [that], we should take more an attention to groups of people not a few of famous people, because the significant incident and currents in history[ may] were made by them.[再次重复题目没意义] In my opinion, only really enough great human can borad the stage of history, [tough] the group of people were [affect] on major evens, and only key individual can make decision for history events[人怎么可能为历史的事件作决定], if not [have] key individual, [the most incidents were difficult to get a opportunity to change the bad status. ][这半句表达完全不是英语]So I concider, research of history should [put] emphasis on individuals still.
[这段是在重复前文吗？语法错误和用词错误都用红色表示了。你完全可以写一段让步，或者干脆不写这段。这段前面加个in sum即是总结了。]

In sum, the famous [of] history individual had been remembered by people until today is have [两个动词]reason, [连接词]people can not remember a [an] individual who has done anything[nothing]. And [不需要] why people not emphasis[动词？] the group of people? I think the reason is there are so many people in the group we can not to care everyone and no matter everything all have key individual, people pay more attention to them is so naturally.  [这句话真的不是用金山词霸翻译出来的？]
So I disagree with the speaker’s claim.

[改到最后我觉得楼主基本上是入门了，想法也可以。但是语言表达确实有点初级。全文完全正确的句子没几个，还都是最基本的简单句。这样去参加考试是不行的啊。你背一点句型，每个单词用之前查一查用法。
看到楼下的人说 先逻辑在语言。。本来我是同意的，但是这个语言已经到了不能忍受的地步了。你还是先语言在逻辑吧
]

JonathanmmUID: 2738719

既然欢迎拍砖，那就不客气了，为了你的进步。
1.你相当于什么也没说。罗列了印证题目的几个例子，你要看历史事件，自然有少数和多数，例子互换也说得通。
2.僵死的结构：总，分一（中心，例子，概括），分二（中心，例子，概括）……总。
3.倒数第二段再次开始讨论问题，重复题目，给出观点，这一段作为为开头第一段完全没区别。
4.people remember him, because he enough great.……only really enough great，什么叫enough great，题目在讨论历史不该那么强调少数名人，而非我们为什么记住了名人。

一句话：先说服你自己，再去关注语言。

NobitauUID: 2839232

修改站位。

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose ...
lingli_xiaoai 发表于 2010-7-12 18:17

谢谢你的细心批改，我会先从基本的句型入手的，虽然我的基础差了点，但是我还是会努力进步的，实在很感谢你

NobitauUID: 2839232

4# Jonathanmm
谢谢指点，这些问题我会注意的

JonathanmmUID: 2738719

LZ这么短暂的时间就要上考场了，要加油！

NobitauUID: 2839232

7# Jonathanmm
嗯，多谢鼓励，我会加油的