issue 130 求修改

annkeUID: 2605122

最近个人健康状况堪忧啊。

Issue
TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 701
TIME: 01:20:00
DATE: 2010-7-13 10:37:46

The speaker attaches emphasis on the social ability of children believing the destiny of society greatly hinge on young generation's socialization level. Although I concede the significance of such skills, the extent to which promising children, who can help bring about a better society, have not been cultivated must be overstated.

No one could deny that one primary goal of education is to bring up a generation of qualified and productive workers leading to a wealthy and prosperous nation. Social skills cannot be overemphasized considering the trend of globalization prevail the spirit of cooperation in every industries in modern society. For example, as an employee in an automobile company, how to express your idea and share with other coworkers precisely determine whether or not the fresh insight will be recognized, and even whether the application of the innovative spark will raise the productivity of the factory even the whole industry
to a higher level. Through this method, social ability, especially interpersonal communication ability, takes on the strength to improve a society.
Besides interpersonal connection, socialization ability includes the way of viewing other people and their particular opinions, the capability to adapting various environments and overcoming multi-cultural inconsistency. Under such comprehension, the destiny of society--a warm or indifferent civilian relationship, an open or close cultural atmosphere, an harmonious or conflictual international relationship--depends on the performance of individuals who consist the whole society.

However, it is too hasty for the speaker to conclude that the level of children’s socialization act as the only factor in shaping the future world.
There are several other elements essential to develop a better society, like economic wealth, military power, and science and technology. Take the previous example as an instance again. Even the innovative idea is known by the chief executive due to the employee's excellent persuading, a great amount of efforts still deserve to bring an imaginary picture down to the earth.
Relevant experts should be called upon and sufficient funds should be provided. Without intellectual ability and appropriate economic support, the roaring promotion will exist as a fancy forever. It is similarly applicable for a nation and a society, that how young generation are socialized just partly affect the society's future, and students' intelligence and practical living skills also account. Only by bringing a generation socialized enough, intelligent enough, and skillful enough can the prospect of society be bright.

More importantly, the speaker's assertion that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society is clearly refuted by empirical evidence abundant in modern society.
As everybody seeing, today's society becomes more tolerant with different opinions, more respectful towards individuals and more prosperous and beneficial.
And all these improvement cannot occur without the efforts of a generation after a generation. Nowadays, the aim of education is popularly accepted as a role of transmitting democratic values, creating opportunity equality, and cultivating new civilians in society.
These purposes, though vulnerably, are inevitably arrived in the course of mankind's life.

To help raising children responsible to construct a better society, government, schools, families, and community have a long way to walk, and join hands together probably set the education effective and efficient.
With the fiscal supports, schools are able to update equipment and encourage faculty which definitely result in a better teaching quality. Families compensate the emotion developing omitted by formal school education. Moreover, the social skills and communal awareness are attained mainly in community interaction, such as volunteer experience and group learning project, in which a care for others germinate.
Therefore, nurturing children to be adults responsible for a better planet is as much a question of patience as anything else.

In a nutshell, I appreciate the speaker’s insight of socialization and how the children socialized determine the destiny of society, however the simple overstrain on social ability mislead people to a extent in which neglect other important factors. Also, the education of young generation is in process of cooperation.

figuechenUID: 2850619

作者观点：反对，认为原题夸大了孩子的社会化对社会命运的影响，并认为我们未必没有教会孩子怎样去建设一个更好的社会。

思路：
1.
让步，说明社会化的重要性。
2.
说明有其它因素影响社会，社会化并不是唯一的影响因素。
3.
现代社会有教导孩子去建设一个更好的社会。
4.
如何更好地对孩子进行教育

The speaker attaches emphasis on the social ability of children believing the destiny of society greatly hinge on young generation's socialization level. Although I concede the significance of such skills, the extent to which promising children, who can help bring about a better society, have not been cultivated must be overstated.
[开头的长句读起来有点晕，有些地方可以省去不必要的成分]

No one could deny that one primary goal of education is to bring up a generation of qualified and productive workers leading to a wealthy and prosperous nation. Social skills cannot be overemphasized considering the trend of globalization prevail the spirit of cooperation in every industries in modern society. For example, as an employee in an automobile company, how to express your idea and share with other coworkers precisely determine whether or not the fresh insight will be recognized, and even whether the application of the innovative spark will raise the productivity of the factory even the whole industry to a higher level. Through this method, social ability, especially interpersonal communication ability, takes on the strength to improve a society.[总感觉这个例子有点奇怪，如果能说明得更具体一些就好了]
Besides interpersonal connection, socialization ability includes the way of viewing other people and their particular opinions, the capability to adapting various environments and overcoming multi-cultural inconsistency. Under such comprehension, the destiny of society--a warm or indifferent civilian relationship, an open or close cultural atmosphere, an [a]harmonious or conflictual international relationship--depends on the performance of individuals who consist [consist是不及物动词，要加介词的]the whole society.

However, it is too hasty for the speaker to conclude that the level of children’s socialization act [acts]as the only factor in shaping the future world.
There are several other elements essential to develop a better society, like economic wealth, military power, and science and technology. Take the previous example as an instance again. Even the innovative idea is known by the chief executive due to the employee's excellent persuading, a great amount of efforts still deserve to bring an imaginary picture down to the earth. Relevant experts should be called upon and sufficient funds should be provided. Without intellectual ability and appropriate economic support, the roaring promotion will exist as a fancy forever. It is similarly applicable for a nation and a society, that how young generation are socialized just partly affect the society's future, and students' intelligence and practical living skills also account. Only by bringing a generation socialized enough, intelligent enough, and skillful enough can the prospect of society be bright.

More importantly, the speaker's assertion that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society is clearly refuted by empirical evidence abundant in modern society.
As everybody seeing, today's society becomes more tolerant [Chinglish了，society怎么会tolerant呢，只有人才能tolerant]with different opinions, more respectful towards individuals and more prosperous and beneficial.
And all these improvement cannot occur without the efforts of a generation after a generation. Nowadays, the aim of education is popularly accepted as a role of transmitting democratic values, creating opportunity equality, and cultivating new civilians in society.
These purposes, though vulnerably, are inevitably arrived in the course of mankind's life.

To help raising children responsible to construct a better society, government, schools, families, and community have a long way to walk, and join hands together probably set the education effective and efficient.
With the fiscal supports, schools are able to update equipment and encourage faculty which definitely result in a better teaching quality. Families compensate the emotion developing omitted by formal school education. Moreover, the social skills and communal awareness are attained mainly in community interaction, such as volunteer experience and group learning project, in which a care for others germinate.
Therefore, nurturing children to be adults responsible for a better planet is as much a question of patience as anything else.
[这一段的目的何在？是为了说明如何更好的进行教育么？这段看上去有点散有点偏，可以再整合一下信息，写得更有条理一些]

In a nutshell, I appreciate the speaker’s insight of socialization and how the children socialized determine the destiny of society, however the simple overstrain on social ability mislead people to a extent in which neglect other important factors. Also, the education of young generation is in process of cooperation.


总的来说，作者的语言还是相当不错，但还是有少部分的语法错误，小小地注意一下就好。在结构安排上，作者相当别出心裁啊，感觉整篇Issue写得很像Argument，有点拘谨了，可以再写开一点。中间的两个例子基本到位了，还是不错的。但是最后一个部分如何对孩子进行更好的教育，我不知道为什么要写这个。。。希望能和LZ进一步地交流一下

figuechenUID: 2850619

另外恳请LZ互拍作文，Issue131，谢~
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1123991-1-1.html