hachi的作文贴~oh yes加把劲~

hachi1991UID: 2586806

7月29日 托福处女作~:$ 没有限时，大概写了50分钟的样子~貌似时态人称什么的极其混乱，还请各位同学多多指教~好像是级别不够，不能上传附件哦~将就一下哈~
归类是归到主题活动吧，哈哈~


Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career.

I do strongly support the idea that young people should try several different jobs before they take a long time career.

The first thing that we should know about young people is that most them sill don’t get a quite clear picture of their careers. They have just graduate from school and almost strangers to the colorful society. Even the ones who have already taking a lot of social activities when they were in school may not have a complete perspective of kinds of jobs. Their impressions of different jobs can be very vague or even misleaded. It is possible that a student wants to be a journalist just because in his or her imagination, it seems like a quite cool job which can have lots of opportunities to have contacts with many famous people, or to reveal some covered secrets or realities. However, he or she has never been awared of the difficulties in the way exploring for the truth and justice, or at worst he or she may be pushed to cover some realities. Thus, after some actual experiences,
many young people may realize that the reality of their so-called ideal job does not match their imagination. They may find that their thoughts are not that mature,
they even don’t have an idea what they really want and what they really care about. Therefore, through experiences of different jobs, they can finally reach a conclusion about what is the career most suitable for themselves.

Again, as young people, they have enough time to figure out what is the career worthy their dvoting of a long term of their lives or even their whole lives. They should take this advantage to try different jobs. It is much more easy for a young person to give up something that is not suit for him or her than for a person who has worked for many years, since the older person may have many things to consider about, like that he or she has worked for this job for so many years and giving up this job means denying all the acheivements made by he or she in the last years. And there may also be a considerable number of obstacles in his or her way to have a new beginning. Young people are quite different, however. They have much less burdens, if they find the job is not a good choice to be a long-term career, they can just change it and start over with another job, without so many disturbing considerations.
All in all, as far as I am concerned, experiencing different jobs before a long-term career is a wise decision for young people. But the process of their exploration should not be aimless, contemplation on the subject “what is the career I really want” should always be kept in mind.

anitaxjaUID: 2758421

I do strongly support the idea that young people should try several different jobs before they take a long time career.
The first thing that we should know about young people is that most of them sill(still) don’t get(haven't got 是否会妥当些？) a quite clear picture of their careers. They have just graduated from school and are almost strangers(freshmen) to the colorful society. Even the ones who have already taking(taken) a lot of social activities when they were in school may not have a complete perspective of all kinds of jobs. Their impressions(impression) of(on) different jobs can be very vague or even misleaded. It is possible that a student wants to be a journalist just because of his or her imagination, it(which) seems like a quite cool job which(that) can have lots of opportunities to have contacts with many famous people, or to reveal some covered secrets or realities. However, he or she has never been awared of the difficulties in the way exploring for the truth and justice, or at worst he or she may be pushed to cover some realities. Thus, after some actual experiences, many young people may realize that the reality of their so-called ideal job does not match their imagination. They may find that their thoughts are not that mature, and they even don’t have an idea what they really want and what they really care about. Therefore, through experiences of different jobs, they can finally reach a conclusion about what is the career most suitable for themselves.(下划线的句子我觉得表述很清晰，很好。莫非LZ是新闻系的学生？才有如此感慨？对于这一段，有个小建议，与其说没有多个不同工作经历的不好，不如说有多个工作经历的好，把侧重点放在后面会比较切题，如果实在做不到这一点，不如把这个理由放在最后。这是我的小建议。)1

Again, as young people, they have enough time to figure out what is the career worthy their devoting of a long term of their lives or even their whole lives. They should take this advantage to try different jobs. It is much more easy(easier) for a young person to give up something that is not suitable for him or her than for a person who has worked for many years,(此处不需要标点，删) since the older person may have many things to consider about, like that he or she has worked for this job for so many years and giving up this job means denying all the acheivements made by he or she in the last years. And there may also be a considerable number of obstacles in his or her way to have a new beginning. Young people are quite different, however. They have much less burdens, if they find the job is not a good choice to be a long-term career, they can just change it and start over with another job, without so many disturbing considerations.


All in all, as far as I am concerned, experiencing different jobs before a long-term career is a wise decision for young people. But the process of their exploration should not be aimless, contemplation on the subject “what is the career I really want” should always be kept in mind.


总结：
优点：LZ的两个观点之间是递进关系，这点处理得不错。语言上，句式多变，句型运用也很熟练，尤其是插入句的使用。词汇运用也很娴熟，看得出有一点功底在。内容上，细节与论述比较充分，尤其是第一个论点，还举了journalism学生的例子，让人更清晰理解你的观点，很好。
美中不足：内容方面，第一个观点的论述有点过于冗长，整篇文章的观点只有2个，如果可以的话，建议用三个论点论述，每个论点都不需要太长，讲清即可。语言/语法上，你的复合句型比较多，从句也很多，但是也有不少问题，比如一句话中多个主谓而未用连接词连接、时态问题等等，需要引起注意。有时候，长句与复杂句固然体现基本功，但如果错误多了，反而印象不好：）
总体来看，LZ的基础应该不错哦？内容表述和语言表达还是比较清晰的。

hachi1991UID: 2586806

2# anitaxja

:lol 多谢Anita的修改及细心中肯的点评~
其实就是因为功夫不到家所以写长句毛病就多~我写长句主要是因为想表达的太多，于是就干脆全部堆在一起了，也没意识到什么插入语之类的东西~
恩，那天我听我同学说他作文27，全部是短句短句，主谓宾主谓宾~把观点表达清楚就好~可能有些谦虚和夸张的成分，但也说明句子长不一定好~老外都要被绕晕的~

P.S. hachi 我学的是中文，但是我们学校新闻中文是一个学院，将来的方向也都差不多，很多都要往传媒走的~所以感受到的和听到的关于媒体的无奈也就比较多而已~嘿嘿~改你的作文去~

anitaxjaUID: 2758421

了解~也谢谢你的点评。
我是新闻系的学生，呵呵，所以看到你写的觉得很亲切~

shengzhi86UID: 2757306

I do strongly support the idea that young people should try several different jobs before they take a long time career.

The first thing that we should know about young people is that most them sill（still） don’t get a quite clear picture of their careers. They have just graduate(just have graduated) from school and almost strangers to(unknow about)  the colorful society. Even the ones who have already taking(taken) a lot of social activities when they were in school may not have a complete perspective of kinds of jobs. Their impressions of different jobs can be very vague or even misleaded. It is possible that a student wants to be a journalist just because in(of) his or her imagination, it seems like a quite cool job which can have lots of opportunities to have contacts with many famous people, or to reveal some covered secrets or realities. However, he or she has never been awared of the difficulties in the way exploring for the truth and justice, or at worst he or she may be pushed to cover some realities. Thus, after some actual experiences,  many young people may realize that the reality of their so-called ideal job does not match their imagination. They may find that their thoughts are not that mature, they even don’t have an idea what they really want and what they really care about. Therefore, through experiences of different jobs, they can finally reach a conclusion about what is the career most suitable for themselves

Again, as young people, they have enough time to figure out what is the career worthy their dvoting of a long term of their lives or even their whole lives. They should take this advantage to try different jobs. It is much more easy for a young person to give up something that is not suit for him or her than for a person who has worked for many years, since the older person may have many things to consider about, like that he or she has worked for this job for so many years and giving up this job means denying all the acheivements made by he or she(him or her) in the last years. And there may also be a considerable number of obstacles in his or her way to have a new beginning. Young people are quite different, however. They have much less burdens, if they find the job is not a good choice to be a long-term career, they can just change it and start over with another job, without so many disturbing considerations.

All in all, as far as I am concerned, experiencing different jobs before a long-term career is a wise decision for young people. But the process of their exploration should not be aimless, contemplation on the subject “what is the career I really want” should always be kept in mind.



个人观点： 内容流畅，有些低级语法错误需要克服，文章中间论断是典型的中国式思维，即分析-得出结论，而美式应该是 论点-分析，仅供参考~

你是新人，所以提醒下，这次我是 你的partner, 你也要 给我点评，否则会进入黑名单。

小囧字UID: 2752429

Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take along term career.
I do strongly support the idea that youngpeople should try several different jobs before they take a long time career.
The first thing that we should know aboutyoung people is that most of them sill(still) don’t get a quite clear picture of theircareers. They have(have是不是可以不要？) just graduate from school and almost are strangers to thecolorful society. Even the ones who have already taking a lot of(是不是应该用a lot 或者是lots of?我记不清了...) socialactivities when they were in school may not have a complete perspective ofkinds(various?) of jobs. Their impressions of different jobs can be very vague or evenmisleaded. It is possible that a student wants to be a journalist just becausein his or her imagination, it seems like a quite cool job which can have lotsof opportunities to have contacts with many famous people, or to reveal somecovered secrets or realities. However, he or she has never been awared of thedifficulties in the way exploring for the truth and justice, or at worst he orshe may be pushed to cover some realities. Thus, after some actualexperiences,many young people may realize that the reality of their so-calledideal job does not match their imagination. They may find that their thoughtsare not that mature,they even don’t have an idea what they really want and whatthey really care about. Therefore, through experiences of different jobs, theycan finally reach a conclusion about what is the career most suitable forthemselves.
Again, as young people, they have enoughtime to figure out what is the career worthy their dvoting of a long term oftheir lives or even their whole lives. They should take this advantage to trydifferent jobs. It is much more easy for a young person to give up somethingthat is not suit for him or her than for a person who has worked for manyyears, since the older person may have many things to consider about, like thathe or she has worked for this job for so many years and giving up this jobmeans denying all the acheivements made by he or she in the last years. Andthere may also be a considerable number of obstacles in his or her way to havea new beginning. Young people are quite different, however. They have much lessburdens, if they find the job is not a good choice to be a long-term career,they can just change it and start over with another job, without so manydisturbing considerations.
All in all, as far as I am concerned,experiencing different jobs before a long-term career is a wise decision foryoung people. But the process of their exploration should not be aimless,contemplation on the subject “what is the career I really want” should alwaysbe kept in mind. "

恩~写的很好啊，楼主的想法跟我的完全不一样，有出其不意的感觉，唯一的感觉就是长句子好多啊...不过整体的语言功底很好啊~但在运用中还是需要注意句子中的各种小细节的错误，还有就是论点有点少了，看着总有意犹未尽的感觉，可以试着再引申一下。。。。嘿嘿~改晚了。。。真是不好意思

hachi1991UID: 2586806

7月31日作业~
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Newspapers and magazines are the best ways to learn about a foreign Country?

Newspapers and magazines do provide us a lot of information about foreign coutries,especially in the aspects of customs, sceneries and food. However, I may not count them as the best ways to learn about a forein country since they cannot provide comprehensive understanding of a country, no matter in sense or in spirit.

First, because introduction of countries on newspaper of magazine are limited on papers, they can only be conveyed by characters or pictures. That situation keep the readers from experiencing the introduced things in an authentic way, far from knowing about them. We can see describing words and tempting pictures of delicious food on newpapers and magazines, but we cannot really know how it is tasted or even do not catch a complete apperance of it. In this sense, watching videos like documentraries or TV series is much better than reading newspapers and magazines.

Second, informations on newpapers and magazines are always focusing on some entertaining things, with little attention to the locals’ mode of thinking and other spiritual things of foreign countries. People in different countries have different modes of thinking, which may be related to the geographic thing. Even we are informed by newspapers and magazines that German are rigorous and French are romantic,we do not know in what ways do they show their rigor or romance. And this is also quite easy for us to construct a formed impression about foreigners, which may not be true at all.

Third, what should be noticed is that opinions depicted in these medium are just some subjective things coming from the writers’ mind. The writer think it is a beautiful country and you are attracted to go there. But you finally find yourself very disappointed since the country is so quiet and does not have many magnificent buildings.





匆忙写就，望组友多多指点~ 3X!

dandan17UID: 2812933

hachi7月31日作业.doc (28 KB, 下载次数: 10)

2010-8-1 12:12:33 上传

下载次数: 10

sosodiuUID: 2731702

最近都落功课了 改晚了 sorry 另一group member的语法改的比较细 俺就没有重复了。。。

PS. 那个我的文章中可能是传的问题 所以出现了令人发指的单词连接问题。。。。附件中的word就是正常的  抱歉啦 造成阅读困难