高频Issue208 my debut

zxwhy825UID: 2668443

首先，问个小问题（标点符号后的必须 得有 空格吗？word 里总报错）



题目：ISSUE208 - "The way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes and interests. You can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people."
字数：357
用时：00:45:00
日期：2010-7-29 上午 10:40:05


『原文』What's a society's values and ideas?Society's values and ideas,broadly display the whole sociey's interest and attitude.Similarly,individual value,means personal attitude and interest to the outter world,such as the other people, nature, and so forth.

Admittedly,society mainly consists of different races of people,living in its region.However,society's values and ideas does not equal to the sum of its people.First of all, different races own its own value,which render to the complexity of the social value.For instance, China is made up of 56 race,and Han is the majority.To foreigners,they may regard the value of Han as the society value neglect the other 55 races,because almost all the elites,managers,even the ever presidents are Han.Let alone,some cases,that society's value contradict with its people's value,which result to the indepedence of America.What's more, with the development of the society,the society's value changes,or so-called evoles as well.However,some people get ahead of the society.Some fall behind.If the assertion of the speaker is right, then comes the paradox, that before we know the society's value,we don't know which peole's values reflect the society's value.On the other hand,we can't figure out the sociey's value without its people's value.Maybe the paradox will be mitigated when the society is at stable and peaceful period.


But even if the society is stable ,does individual value rely on the way he ,or she look, dress, and act?The life has its answer.When you see a person wandering all day with a bottle of beer
in TV,you will definitely get the conclusion, that the value of the person is nothing but indugence.However,what will you feel, if I tell you the career of the person is actor or spy?The way people look, dress, and act does not always agree with their attitudes and interests.Sometimes even betrays it.People's appearance and behavior just like a mirror to their inner values,reflecting attitudes and
interests in deep mind.However,you never,whether the mirror is plane mirroe or just a Ha-ha mirror.
In sum,the the value of a society and the people,is not like the things we in three dimensions.The only way to find it is to uncover it in its own dimension,deep in mind and in reality,not been treated by its appearance.


『修改小错误后』What is a society's values and ideas? Society's values and ideas, broadly display the whole society's interest and attitude. Similarly, individual value, means personal attitude and interest to the outer world, such as the other people, nature, and so forth.

Admittedly, society mainly consists of different races of people, living in its region. However, society's values and ideas does not equal to the sum of its people. First of all, different races own its own value, which render to the complexity of the social value. For instance, China is made up of 56 race, and Han is the majority. To foreigners, they may regard the value of Han as the society value neglect the other 55 races, because almost all the elites, managers, even the ever presidents are Han .Let alone, some cases, that society's value contradict with its people's value, which result to the independence of America. What's more, with the development of the society, the society's value changes, or so-called evolves as well. However, some people get ahead of the society. Some fall behind. If the assertion of the speaker is right, then comes the paradox, that before we know the society's value, we don't know which people's values reflect the society's value. On the other hand, we can't figure out the society's value without its people's value. Maybe the paradox will be mitigated when the society is at stable and peaceful period.


But even if the society is stable , does individual value rely on the way he ,or she look, dress, and act? The life has its answer. When you see a person wandering all day with a bottle of beer in TV, you will definitely get the conclusion, that the value of the person is nothing but indulgence. However, what will you feel, if I tell you the career of the person is actor or spy? The way people look, dress, and act does not always agree with their attitudes and interests. Sometimes even betrays it. People's appearance and behavior just like a mirror to their inner values, reflecting attitudes and interests in deep mind. However, you never, whether the mirror is plane mirror or just a distorting mirror(magic mirror).

In sum, the value of a society and the people, is not like the things we in three dimensions. The only way to find it is to uncover it in its own dimension, deep in mind and in reality, not been treated by its appearance.

debut第一次总结
1字数357。虽然，6分作文对字数没有要求。但感觉我写的真的有点少。
2写作方式。（有点作弊^^||）事先看了，作文大讲堂和北美范文，吸收他们的一些观点。但是想了一个晚上，也没想到什么惊艳的观点就在床上睡着了。
实际写的时候，前4，5分钟还是在发呆。。。没思路啊。只好先把。每段主题句写了。把background介绍下。算是对自己的心里安慰。。接下来就是写了。。中间还是停了几次。（中文思维转换成英文思路，不知道怎么说）

解决方案：多练，培训思维的反应时间。。快速进入状态
3关于例子，真的实际写的时候，想不到什么好的fit的例子。第一段，第二个分论点就是，想了一分钟。。相出暴露 we Chinese 的例子。。。（）

解决方案：把自己知道的中文例子，翻译成英文。
4个人感觉，这篇写得有点像argue。。但是issue的核心在于分析。。应该没有关系吧。

谢谢大家的修改。
大家有 有更好的解决方案。。希望赐教

zxwhy825UID: 2668443

忘大家 提意见

zxwhy825UID: 2668443

求 pp

晓樟UID: 2846325

What are a society's values and ideas? Society's values and ideas, broadly display the whole society's interest and attitude.（下定义） Similarly, individual value, means personal attitude and interest to the outer world, such as the other people, nature, and so forth.首段一般要求提出作者的观点——赞成？反对？还是平衡？——光下定义是不行的！

Admittedly, society mainly consists of different races of people, living in its region. However, society's values and ideas does not equal to the sum of its people. 考虑将这两句合并为一句做为TS，引出自己本段的分论点，而且推论的方式感觉本末倒置，我是这么改的：society mainly consists of different races of people who lives in collective region, while few would agree that the value of one race can be representative of the whole societal value，let alone individual appearance and behavior. First of all, different races have its own value, which render to the complexity of the social value. For instance, China is made up of 56 races, and Han is the majority. Since almost all the elites, managers, even the ever presidents are Han, foreigners may regard the value of Han as the society value and neglect the other 55 races.这里是用少数名族来说明社会价值多样性吧？我觉得应该突出少数民族的价值而不是强调汉族，如果能举个例子说明少数民族穿着行为异于社会价值观念，就更好了。 Let alone, some cases, that society's value contradicts with its people's value, which results to the independence of America. What's more, with the development of the society, the society's value changes, or so-called evolves as well. However, some people get ahead of the society but some fall behind at the same time. If the assertion of the speaker is right, then comes the paradox that before we know the society's value, we don't know which people's values reflect the society's value. On the other hand, we can't figure out the society's value without its people's value. Maybe the paradox will be mitigated when the society is at stable and peaceful period.
虽然写出了分论点，但是这个分论点和ISSUE主题的关系比较牵强，因为这段文字中丝毫没有提及the appearance and behavior of its people。
But even if the society is stable（论点和社会太不太平真有这么大关系吗？）, does individual value rely on the way he or she look, dress, and act?(这段是为了说明个人穿着打扮不代表个人价值和兴趣，那就请用陈述语句清楚明了地表达吧！像这种以设问开始的形式，范文中首段有看见过，但论述段中不常见) The life has its answer. When you see a person wandering all day with a bottle of beer in TV, you will definitely get the conclusion that the value of the person is nothing but indulgence. However, what will you feel, if I tell you the career of the person is actor or spy? The way people look, dress, and act does not always agree with their attitudes and interests. Sometimes even betrays it. People's appearance and behavior just like a mirror to their inner values, reflecting attitudes and interests in deep mind. However, you never know, whether the mirror is plane mirror or just a distorting mirror (magic mirror).

In sum, the value of a society and the people, is not like the things we in three dimensions. The only way to find it is to uncover it in its own dimension, deeply in mind and in reality, （主语不一致）not been treated by its appearance.（The only way to find the value is to uncover it in its own dimension, deeply in mind and in reality, not merely in appearance. 感觉又总结偏了，issue的目的是论证个人外表和个人兴趣及社会价值之间是否存在直接的反映和被反映的关系，而总结却在表述如何挖掘社会价值和个人兴趣。你想要升华，却不像议论文的路子）
总结：我觉得你的思路还是很清楚的，只是没有直白的表达出来。在运用文字的时候，结构上、语法上有些随意，尤其是文章转折过多（有4个however 再加一个on the other hand），看的时候有点晕. 这是我第一次修改别人的文章，若有不当之处还请见谅！

zxwhy825UID: 2668443

thx。。个人觉得不能 写的 太八股。。就走这种有点另类的路线。。
再问下求 pp是在这个区么？感觉好冷清。。
。 5# 晓樟