Issue51——designed education，附提纲，欢迎互改

figuechenUID: 2850619

Issue 51------"Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

文章貌似有点长，不过分段比较多所以结构应该比较明显。恳请大家着重修改全文逻辑、段落间逻辑、段落内的reasoning以及例子的恰当性。欢迎互改，留链必回！

TS：分阶段讨论
1初级阶段：general education好
  学生的爱好变化性大，难以有长期的课程规划。
  教育有社会需要。
2高级阶段：designed education好
  能带来兴趣，从而提高效率。
  少学的课不影响未来发展。
  这个阶段学生接触社会较多，学校无需帮助学生提高社会能力。

Word: 714
Let us deal with the definition of effective first, and here it means that achieving the purpose of education in an easy way. It is well known that the main function and ideal goal of primary school, high school, university and adult education are not always the same, and therefore the methods of education differ from time to time. The effectiveness of designed education varies according to the different stages of his education.

In the preliminary stage of education, such as primary school and high school, to pursue effectiveness, general education should be encouraged. Two main reasons will be listed to bolster this statement.

Initially, it is hard to have a long-term plan for a small child whose needs and interests may keep changing when he grows up. An effective education requires systematical courses through the whole period. If the child alters his ambition from time to time, it will be difficult for him to follow the schedule and obtain knowledge of certain discipline systematically. This kind of education will definitely go without purpose and out of effectiveness. More specifically, if the parents sent the child to learn singing when he indulged himself in it and sent him to learning drawing three months later when he turned his interest to painting, the result might be that he learned merely the superficial knowledge of the two courses without a plan for further study, which is no more than a waste of time and cannot be called effective.

The second reason is that individual education overlooks social abilities for students, such as leadership and teamwork, without which the individual will feel lost in this world. The development of these abilities requires social interaction. For this reason, at this stage of education, students can acquire these abilities only through education, since students do not have much chance to perform in a society. In such case, general education has been a perfect stage for the children to develop their social abilities. With many classmates studying in the same classroom, there lie large amounts of opportunities for them to communicate and get familiar with the others, resulting in the enhancement in social abilities. While in designed education, students are less likely to have fixed classmates owing to the different courses selected by different individuals.

In the further stage of education, like university or adult education, however, more emphasis should be put on individual needs and interests.

Foremost, one major is selected and the fixation of one’s interest will boost his studying. During this period of education, the individual has experienced almost all the subjects in the general education and has a preference to one of them. Learning with interest will fasten the speed one learns and raise the quality of it, just like a ship sailing on the sea under the direction of a beacon. The faster on learns, the more knowledge he will obtain, and more competitive he will appear in his career in the future. In other words, more effective the education is.

In addition, the subjects and knowledge which have been ignored will not have an influential effect on the students’ future. Students have enough training on the methods and knowledge of these subjects which might be demanded for future use, and he must have the capability to learn by himself if he faces some challenges about matters on these subjects. For instance, as a student who majors in mechanic engineering, my father has successfully taken the challenge of initiating a textile company. He learned the knowledge about textile by his own learning. The lack of education on other subjects does not hinder what he aims to.

Finally, at this stage of education, schools are no longer the only place that students can improve their social abilities. In a university, many individuals will have part-time jobs or participate in various activities outside campus. When it comes to adult education, most students have the working experience. After all, there is no need to sacrifice efficiency in order to facilitate the social abilities of students.

In sum, in the preliminary stage of the education, the general education is preferred due to both individual and social needs; in the advanced stage of the education, on the contrary, designed education are of high effectiveness and should be accepted and promoted.

费话先生UID: 2788924

历时50分钟~figuechen,嘿嘿~扬眉得意啦O(∩_∩)O~超级认真的说

Let us deal with the definition of effective first, and here it means that achieving the purpose of education in an easy way. It is well known that the main function and ideal goal of primary school, high school, university and adult education are not always the same, and therefore the methods of education differ from time to time. The effectiveness of designed education varies according to the different stages of his education.
  我觉得第一段开头可以简洁一些：譬如最后第二句：it is well known that the main function and goal varies according to the different stages of education and hence the methods of education differ.designed education后面还是补全吧。。这可不是隐默知之。最后一句可以再改改，我看了三遍之后没catch到point，我觉得更明白一点好，否则就白当主题句了。比如Genarally, the designed...to meet....is not so effective as the speaker claims in the preliminary stage...while........
In the preliminary stage of education, such as primary school and high school, to pursue effectiveness, general education should be encouraged. Two main reasons will be listed to bolster this statement.

Initially, it is hard to have a long-term plan for a small child whose needs and interests may keep changing when he grows up. An effective education requires systematical courses through the whole period. If the child alters his ambition from time to time, it will be difficult for him to follow the schedule and obtain knowledge of certain discipline systematically. This kind of education will definitely go without purpose and out of effectiveness. More specifically, if the parents sent the child to learn singing when he indulged himself in it and sent him to learning drawing three months later when he turned his interest to painting, the result might be that he learned merely the superficial knowledge of the two courses without a plan for further study, which is no more than a waste of time and cannot be called effective.(我觉得这段最大的问题就是没有办法扣住effective的定义，in an easy way....我想我可能会这样论述： the child even do not has enough time to master the knowledge of the two courses, let alone learning effectively)

The second reason is that individual education（individual education的意思不是题目的那个意思啦，这个替代词不妥） overlooks social abilities for students, such as leadership and teamwork, without which the individual will feel lost in this world. (这个我倒是觉得leadership和teamwork skill不是一个东西，没有leadership还不至于迷失吧，而且such abilities...这个讲法非常笼统。。只是列举了两种能力，其他能力潜意识也是包括的。。。那么质疑精神呢之类的算不算呢。。。主题句干脆就拉大旗现出来。。这种独特的教育模式就是不利于培养团队合作精神。。。)The development of these abilities requires social interaction. For this reason, at this stage of education, students can acquire these abilities only through education, since students do not have much chance to perform in a society. In such case, general education has been a perfect stage for the children to develop their social abilities. With many classmates studying in the same classroom, there lie large amounts of opportunities for them to communicate and get familiar with the others, resulting in the enhancement in social abilities. While in designed education, students are less likely to have fixed classmates owing to the different courses selected by different individuals.（这一段薄弱了些，如果要证明这一段，要先论述communication wiht fixed classmates are the only means to cultivate leadership... in fact there may be other alternatives like。。camp or after class activities including play footgames, something like that。而且对于一个小孩子来说，就算有fixed classmates，也不一定有leadership和 teamwork，想想我们小时候。。我记得那时我只知道玩儿。。领导力就是谁更会玩儿。。）

In the further stage of education, like university or adult education, however, more emphasis should be put on individual needs and interests.

Foremost, one major is selected and the fixation of one’s interest will boost his studying. During this period of education, the individual has experienced almost all the subjects in the general education and has a preference to one of them. （主题句不妨和上面对比，has a clear and durable preference to a certain field）Learning with interest will fasten the speed one learns and raise the quality of it(这个指代。。是上句的主语。。), just like a ship sailing on the sea under the direction of a beacon. The faster on learns, the more knowledge he will obtain, （兴趣不仅仅只是学得快那么简单，这一段的point是ok的，但是论述单薄了。。应该紧扣题目，譬如说，这个阶段有持久的兴趣了，所以按照兴趣来教育学生是可行的更恰当的，因为干嘛干嘛。。，如果还是传统模式的话。。。又如何如何。。。）and more competitive he will appear in his career in the future. In other words, more effective the education is.

In addition, the subjects and knowledge which have been ignored will not have an influential effect on the students’ future.（这句主题句不好，这段的意思是说，就算有些课程没办法学到，但是也不妨碍日后的事业。然后这一段完全没有提到effectiveness，我觉得怪怪的。。而且这段的作用看上去像是维护自己的观点，在别人反驳的时候，就是你说的可能的缺点其实也没啥大不了的。。不像是立自己观点） Students have enough training on the methods and knowledge of these subjects which might be demanded for future use, and he must have the capability to learn by himself if he faces some challenges about matters on these subjects. For instance, as a student who majors in mechanic engineering, my father has successfully taken the challenge of initiating a textile company. He learned the knowledge about textile by his own learning. The lack of education on other subjects does not hinder what he aims to.（这一段论述要多想想）

Finally, at this stage of education, schools are no longer the only place that students can improve their social abilities. In a university, many individuals will have part-time jobs or participate in various activities outside campus. When it comes to adult education, most students have the working experience. After all, there is no need to sacrifice efficiency（这是循环逻辑啊，因为成人时，兴趣教育有效，所以就没有必要牺牲efficient来满足。。。） in order to facilitate the social abilities of students.（嗯，这一段其实没有论证）

In sum, in the preliminary stage of the education, the general education is preferred due to both individual and social needs; in the advanced stage of the education, on the contrary, designed education are of high effectiveness and should be accepted and promoted.

费话先生UID: 2788924

我暂时无文。。最近写得想吐啊。。真是，AW什么时候才能over啊....我快跟它耗不住了。。。

hugeseaUID: 190158

Issue 51------"Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

文章貌似有点长，不过分段比较多所以结构应该比较明显 ...
figuechen 发表于 2010-7-31 20:11

看完了，对于你的论证，分阶段探讨，我觉得是可行的；但有一个感觉，就是你的论证竭力想显得全面，用此每个分论点下面还用了很多分论点，事实上这正是你这篇文章的最大的优点，也是你这篇文章致命的缺陷，论点多，但是没个论点的论述都显得肤浅，都不详尽，请注意，ETS还有一个论述要详尽的要求。因此，论述中不要太多的分论点，找最主要的论述

再有，你的开头，我觉得是最失败的地方，要不是看到开头的最后一句，还算是你针对题目提出了自己的简介，我几乎要把你这篇文章归为跑题了。开头段用了太多题目中没有提到的名词，你都得解释的，都得解释和题目的关系的；还有It is well known that the main function and ideal goal of primary school, high school, university and adult education are not always the same这个也不是一个well known就可以说明的吧。

我觉得开头，开门见山，直指题目就是，也就是引述完题目，马上就给出自己的观点就得了，不用给任何原因也不用给任何背景。这样的开头可能是会很土，但是这样的开头重在保险。

figuechenUID: 2850619

看完了，对于你的论证，分阶段探讨，我觉得是可行的；但有一个感觉，就是你的论证竭力想显得全面，用此每个分论点下面还用了很多分论点，事实上这正是你这篇文章的最大的优点，也是你这篇文章致命的缺陷，论点多 ...
hugesea 发表于 2010-8-1 15:39

感谢修改~

分论点的问题，我主要还是从内容角度考虑的，因为总感觉点多了以后方便展开。看来以后得考虑一下论述详尽这个问题了。

开头确实是败笔。。。不过我到现在为止也没有找到一个比开门见山更好的开头了。大概还是开门见山比较保险吧~

figuechenUID: 2850619

我暂时无文。。最近写得想吐啊。。真是，AW什么时候才能over啊....我快跟它耗不住了。。。
费话先生 发表于 2010-8-1 15:20

谢谢修改啦~许多问题暴露得很是时候啦，还有时间纠正过来。

自己看了一遍，觉得除了开头以外，分论点过多导致的论述单薄是很大的问题，而且是我很多文章里的通病吧。而且你的修改建议很好~正反论述加举例，论述就会详尽很多~

你还有很多时间呢~好好准备哈