第一次time attak 模式成功 issue 5 national curriculum

crazyjooUID: 2805124

TOPIC: ISSUE5 - "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
WORDS: 570
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-8-1 12:07:28


With the increasing intensive competitions between countries, leaders of nations begin to place more emphasis on education. How is an effective education pattern? Would national curriculum make the countries more competitive? In my view, a national curriculum does have these benefits and will also enhance the coherence of the country.


Admittedly, make all schools in different parts of the nation take the same national curriculum do have negative influence. For one thing, take United States as example, it is hard to realize uniform educational front line. Despite the disagreement between lawmakers in different states who think what is more important to students, the cost opportunity of national curriculum is significant in terms of how the money could be applied to extracurricular activities, improvement of local education quality and facilities. Differences between schools also impede national curriculum come to reality such as schools' different startling time, salaries, and human resources. In short, it takes time and lots of dollars to diminish these differences and finally approach to the ultimate goal.


For another thing, national curriculum does hurt to cultural diversity. One example aptly illustrates this point involved the province dominated by minority ethnics in China. It may be happy to see that students from national minorities can speak Mandarin fluently given the reason that they can communicate with the majority easily. However, it may be also sad to see that more and more students from minority ethnics begin to abandon their traditional culture; they replace Mandarin with their local language; they start to learn piano in school rather than to learn traditional instruments from parents. These negative influences serve to warn United States, which have not accepted national curriculum widely yet; after all, culture diversity makes up America.

However, we should not underestimate the merit of national curriculum. On one hand, within the framework of national curriculum, people can make state by state comparison.
Educational organization can know which school's teaching quality cannot meet the national demand and thus provide necessary support. Unified certification of teaching would be bred by national curriculum, and people over the nation can evaluate the teaching quality of school by making comparisons. Under public supervision, the general educational quality is supposed to make progress. Besides, such unified criterion makes parents know the subtle differences between schools more clearly. Thereby, they become more certain about the quality of school and hence can make conspicuous choice for their child.
Moreover, national curriculum also benefit students for two reasons, especially high school students who are to attend SAT. First, unified curriculum make standardized tests such as SAT and university or college entrance exam more fair, which is a crucial element in such important exams.
National curriculum ensures that teaching and learning is balanced and consistent. In this light, students’ knowledge structure would become similar. Therefore, the main factors which affect their grades of SAT involve their diligence, capacity and intelligence.

To sum up, we are facing a dilemma since we cannot ignore either the positive side or negative side of national curriculum. Thus, the answer of this dilemma depends on the characteristic of the state itself. Some region such as Indian reservations, where the value of traditional culture seems to outweigh the benefit of national curriculum, we should not change its current condition. In other states, state government should hold public hearings to confirm this far-reaching decision. Only through these measures, we stand to gain from national curriculum while preventing the loss of cultural diversity.

hugeseaUID: 190158

TOPIC: ISSUE5 - "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
WORDS: 570
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-8-1 12:07:28


With the increasing intensive competitions between countries, leaders of nations begin to place more emphasis on education. (废话一句）How is an effective education pattern? Would national curriculum make the countries more competitive? In my view, a national curriculum does have these benefits and will also enhance the coherence of the country.
（point 太weak，看完不知道你到底是支持should，还是支持should not，还是以一种复杂的观点看待issue提出的问题；仅仅指出“a national curriculum does have these benefits and will also enhance the coherence of the country.”是不够的，因为这不是对issue的最直接的回应；因此，如果我是rater，我会判你跑题。我以前说过，AW重逻辑，重结构，因此，issue的开头第一段，是重重之重，往往决定一篇文章属于高分档，还是属于低分档，相信不用我多说什么，你也明白第一印象的重要）


Admittedly, make（making？or to make？动词词组不能做主语，宾语等等） all schools in different parts of the nation take the same national curriculum do have negative influence. For one thing, take United States as example, it is hard to realize uniform educational front line. Despite the disagreement between lawmakers in different states who think what is more important to students, the cost opportunity of national curriculum is significant in terms of how the money could be applied to extracurricular activities, improvement of local education quality and facilities. （这句的结构有问题吧，要不就是你的断句，你的逗号的用法有问题，基本上很难看懂；看到一句话里面，两个逗号中间的部分，我的第一反应就是这是插入语，先略过不看....你的这句话里面，两个逗号之间的部分我一省略，完全不懂你的意思了，呵呵）Differences between schools also impede national curriculum come to reality such as schools' different startling time, salaries, and human resources. In short, it takes time and lots of dollars to diminish these differences and finally approach to the ultimate goal.（另外，我觉得这段，最好放到文章末尾，或者放到你肯定“a national curriculum does have these benefits and will also enhance the coherence of the country.”以后；因为你的第一段讲你的point是“a national curriculum”的优点，第二段马上强转折说“a national curriculum”的缺点，逻辑上不是很连贯；如果这一段放在你论证了你的论点后，再叙述，是对你的论点很好的补充，这样会使你的文章看起来更客观）

For another thing, national curriculum does hurt to cultural diversity. One example aptly illustrates this point involved the province dominated by minority ethnics in China. It may be happy to see that students from national minorities can speak Mandarin fluently given the reason that they can communicate with the majority easily. However, it may be also sad to see that more and more students from minority ethnics begin to abandon their traditional culture; they replace Mandarin with their local language; they start to learn piano in school rather than to learn traditional instruments from parents. These negative influences serve to warn United States, which have not accepted national curriculum widely yet; after all, culture diversity makes up America. （还是承前在叙述缺点，你论证的重点应该是“a national curriculum”的优点才对吧？难道你想用的是反证法？）

However, we should not underestimate the merit of national curriculum. （wow，终于看到你要论述优点了，但是我有一个疑问，仅仅论述“a national curriculum”有优点，就能论证了，题目所说的：“a natioan should require all its students....."? ）On one hand, within the framework of national curriculum, people can make state by state comparison.
Educational organization can know which school's teaching quality cannot meet the national demand and thus provide necessary support. Unified certification of teaching would be bred by national curriculum, and people over the nation can evaluate the teaching quality of school by making comparisons. Under public supervision, the general educational quality is supposed to make progress. Besides, such unified criterion makes parents know the subtle differences between schools more clearly. Thereby, they become more certain about the quality of school and hence can make conspicuous choice for their child.
Moreover, national curriculum also benefit students for two reasons, especially high school students who are to attend SAT. First, unified curriculum make standardized tests such as SAT and university or college entrance exam more fair, which is a crucial element in such important exams.
National curriculum ensures that teaching and learning is balanced and consistent. In this light, students’ knowledge structure would become similar. Therefore, the main factors which affect their grades of SAT involve their diligence, capacity and intelligence.（最后的结论句，最好还是落到你的TS上，最好是你的TS的改写。）

看到这里，我还是不明白，你到底是支持题目呢？还是反对题目呢?还是对题目有矛盾心理呢？


To sum up, we are facing a dilemma since we cannot ignore either the positive side or negative side of national curriculum. （完全推翻了你在开头段提出的观点。难道这里才是你的观点？interesting，结论段本来是对全文的总结，你却用来提出新的观点......既然是新观点，那么你就应该继续论述，为什么we are facing a delimma？仅仅因为“a national curriculum”既有缺点也有优点？事实上既有优点也有缺点并不能证明一个delimma，如果你面对的一个事物优点大于缺点，或者如果缺点大于优点，我想，在这种情况下你不会说你面对了a delimma吧。）Thus, the answer of this dilemma depends on the characteristic of the state itself. Some region such as Indian reservations, where the value of traditional culture seems to outweigh the benefit of national curriculum, we should not change its current condition. In other states, state government should hold public hearings to confirm this far-reaching decision. Only through these measures, we stand to gain from national curriculum while preventing the loss of cultural diversity.

看到最后，我才明白了，原来你对题目是有复杂心理的，但是你的development前后不一致，逻辑不清....这个是写AW的大忌，时间不多，加油吧
crazyjoo 发表于 2010-8-1 12:20

最后，要说明，我的嘴可能有点毒，如果受不了，MSG我，我删掉此贴

但我相信，响鼓得用重锤擂.....要想AW进步，就得有受刺激

crazyjooUID: 2805124

2# hugesea

特别谢谢hugesea同学你指正了我多次了 我8.16号考。。时间很紧

我篇文章就是想表达具体问题具体分析，属于中立观点。第一次写这种中立观点，全文思路到底如何扩展比较好？
特别是第一段，如何表达出我的这种态度呢？

crazyjooUID: 2805124

With the increasing intensive competitions between countries, leaders of nations begin to place more emphasis on education. How is an effective education pattern? Would national curriculum make the countries more competitive? In my view, a national curriculum does have these benefits, however, the speaker goes to an extreme by claiming that "all" students should attend national cirriculum.

To begin with ,national curriculum benefit both educational organization and students. On one hand, within the framework of national curriculum, people can make state by state comparison.Educational organization can know which school's teaching quality cannot meet the national demand and thus provide necessary support. Unified certification of teaching would be bred by national curriculum, and people over the nation can evaluate the teaching quality of school by making comparisons. Under public supervision, the general educational quality is supposed to make progress. Besides, such unified criterion makes parents know the subtle differences between schools more clearly. Thereby, they become more certain about the quality of school and hence can make conspicuous choice for their child.

Moreover, national curriculum also benefit students for two reasons, especially high school students who are to attend SAT. First, unified curriculum make standardized tests such as SAT and university or college entrance exam more fair, which is a crucial element in such important exams.National curriculum ensures that teaching and learning is balanced and consistent. In this light, students’ knowledge structure would become similar. Therefore, the main factors which affect their grades of SAT involve their diligence, capacity and intelligence.

However, to make all schools in different parts of the nation take the same national curriculum do have negative influence. For one thing, take United States as example, it is hard to realize uniform educational front line. Despite the disagreement between lawmakers in different states who think what is more important to students, the cost opportunity of national curriculum is significant in terms of how the money could be applied to extracurricular activities, improvement of local education quality and facilities. Differences between schools also impede national curriculum come to reality such as schools' different startling time, salaries, and human resources. In short, it takes time and lots of dollars to diminish these differences and finally approach to the ultimate goal.

For another thing, national curriculum does hurt to cultural diversity. One example aptly illustrates this point involved the province dominated by minority ethnics in China. It may be happy to see that students from national minorities can speak Mandarin fluently given the reason that they can communicate with the majority easily. However, it may be also sad to see that more and more students from minority ethnics begin to abandon their traditional culture; they replace Mandarin with their local language; they start to learn piano in school rather than to learn traditional instruments from parents. These negative influences serve to warn United States, which have not accepted national curriculum widely yet; after all, culture diversity makes up America.

To sum up,while the claim has worth, the speaker unnecessarily extend his/her statement to embrace all students. Some region such as Indian reservations, where the value of traditional culture seems to outweigh the benefit of national curriculum, we should not change its current condition. In other states, state government should hold public hearings to confirm this far-reaching decision. Only through these measures, we stand to gain from national curriculum while preventing the loss of cultural diversity.

crazyjooUID: 2805124

简单先将最重要的文章position问题弄了一下。
当时写作的时候就是光顾着想他正反2面了，在草稿上随意写了正反几个点就往上赶，殊不知确定position对于文章的strength异常重要！
谢谢hugesea同学！ 你的指点很crucial，而不是cruel! 希望还能得到你的帮助

hugeseaUID: 190158

2# hugesea  

特别谢谢hugesea同学你指正了我多次了 我8.16号考。。时间很紧

我篇文章就是想表达具体问题具体分析，属于中立观点。第一次写这种中立观点，全文思路到底如何扩展比较好？
特别是第一段，如何表 ...
crazyjoo 发表于 2010-8-1 14:04

对于这篇issue，我的观点是：A nation should require that all schools follow the same curriculum；in the meantime, schools should be allowed to add to their curriculum in alignment with their right to intergrate religiuos issue, the ethnic  issue..... with the daily rountine, but only insofaras the school meets the foundational requirement.

因此，我觉得应该从两个方面来论述这个问题，

第一，为什么A nation should require that all schools follow the same curriculum？这个问题可以从很多方面来论述，我就不给例子了，免得限制了你的思路，

第二，为什么schools should be allowed to add to their curriculum？

论述好这两个问题，issue的分数要是低的话，绝对不会是因为逻辑与结构！