writing sample

whossuperUID: 2556986

大家好，我研究生想申请新闻系，本科为工商管理。虽然有在中国媒体实习的经验，但是却从来没有用英文写新闻的经验。以前只有写过英文的论文。出国时在亚马逊买了几本教写新闻的书，学到了一些基础知识，所以我这两天练了今生第一篇英文新闻稿子，还是觉得很不顺手，写得很辛苦。今天就发到寄托上希望各位高手，有写英文新闻经验的同学们帮我看看。随便拍怎么拍都行怎么批都行，我知道写新闻这块我还菜的很，实在有太多需要向各位学习了！这篇我不会交去当申请的sample, 只是个练习稿，望以后会有进步。非常感谢！！

WANGJIABA FACTORY EXECUTIVE DEMOLISHED A BLOCK OF RESIDENTIAL HOUSES TO A BLOCK OF RUINS

Factory executive destructed fifteen houses on midnight July18th in Wangjiaba without acknowledging the residents, who temporarily stayed in a hotel evading flood that day.

The houses were empty due to a rainstorm, which arrived on July 16th and resulted in a major flood in Wangjiaba. As the floodwater got one-meter deep quickly, forty residents moved out of their Wangjiaba factory employee residential houses and settled in a government-arranged hotel.

Mr. Minggen Cai is the executive of Wangjiaba construction factory. He bought the company for 962 million yuan in 2007. At the midnight ofJuly 18th, Mr. Minggen Cai designated fellow workers to demolish the residential houses.

‘The flood water is one-meter deep and the foundation [of the house] is no longer stable,’ said Mr. Cai explained the reason of the destruction to the investigative group, ‘if the houses fall apart I’ll have to hold responsible for that. So I found someone to demolish them.’

During the investigation, a janitor of a neighborhood factory gave the first piece of evidence that the block was destroyed by human beings instead of the flood. ‘I saw a big vehicle booming at about 3 a.m. on the18th.’ the janitor said, ‘I asked them what they were doing. They said they were there to clear the flood water.’

Later the police discovered tracks of tire marks of bulldozers across the debris. Also a resident from another block reported hearing‘loud sounds of vehicles’ around 3 a.m. on July 18th.

According to the investigative group members, Mr. Cai later realized that his behavior was ‘totally inappropriate’, and he was willing topay full compensation for the residents.

However, the residents are filled with sadness and despair. Mr. Yang, who was the first to discover that his boss destroyed his house, said to the journalist: ‘I went back home to get some clean clothes, but all I found was a block of debris.’

‘I come here every day to search for things in the ruins,’said Ms Yinggui Liu, another resident, ‘my receipt of paying a 30,000 yuan deposit to buy a new house is still not found yet.’ Alongside of her are some other residents furiously scolding and their children weeping.

最后真的再感谢一下大家的帮助！！！

ask1988627UID: 2589698

这个只能帮顶了，不太了解新闻方面的WS。

weizi1015UID: 2489088

我没有新闻采写的经验，不过推荐去美国各大新闻网站上多浏览看看，或许有些启发。

siehahaUID: 2668909

lz可以经常看看Ny times  http://www.nytimes.com/   
偶有段时间每天贴偏文章下来看
写作有很大提高

woolala1202UID: 2309940

把那一大堆语法错误改改先。。。。

此外标题太长，导语不突出，内容安排方面整体结构有待调整。
英语语言方面，废话太多，句子成分修饰太多不够简练。从新闻写作方面看又缺少必要的细节，不生动。

最后，writing sample 不应该是对某篇新闻稿的翻译，应该是你自己采访调查所得作品

whossuperUID: 2556986

5# woolala1202 好的，谢谢版主的建议！

whossuperUID: 2556986

5# woolala1202 版主，我翻来覆去看语法就只把两个is改成了两个was, 其他我有点改不出来了。还有语言方面，我确实是不知道怎样算是把不用的修饰都去掉了留下简练并且意思到位的句子。
我水平实在有限，能不能让楼主帮我在语法和句子上面各自举个例子呢？太感激不尽了！

woolala1202UID: 2309940

语法错例：
‘The flood water is one-meter deep and the foundation [of the house] is no longer stable,’ said Mr. Cai explained the reason of the destruction to the investigative group, ‘if the houses fall apart I’ll have to hold responsible for that.

句法例：
According to the investigative group members, Mr. Cai later realized that his behavior was ‘totally inappropriate’, and he was willing topay full compensation for the residents.

During the investigation Mr. Cai realized that his behavior was ‘totally inappropriate’ and was willing to fully compensate the residents.

以上红色都是语法错

结构例：
During the investigation, a janitor of a neighborhood factory gave the first piece of evidence that the block was destroyed by human beings instead of the flood. ‘I saw a big vehicle booming at about 3 a.m. on the18th.’ the janitor said, ‘I asked them what they were doing. They said they were there to clear the flood water.’

Later the police discovered tracks of tire marks of bulldozers across the debris. Also a resident from another block reported hearing‘loud sounds of vehicles’ around 3 a.m. on July 18th.
这两段的位置很奇怪，打乱了逻辑，应该前移。事情的逻辑是：房子倒了=》怎么倒的（自然还是人为）？=》人为推倒的，那么谁推的，为什么推倒。。。。。你不能先说蔡先生推倒了房子，他推倒房子基于这样那样的理由，然后再说有人听见巨响发现房子不是自然倒塌，这后半截等于是废话了。

你写新闻的时候要把导语和主体分开，导语不参加结构安排的。所以不是说导语里讲到了工厂老板接下来第一二段就得介绍工厂老板了。除去导语后，整体结构应该这样：洪水来袭房子清空=》有人发现房子没了（quote杨先生）=》证据表明不是洪水而是人为引爆=》调查发现是工厂老板私自引爆的=》他为什么这么做，他的补偿方案=》工人们很绝望（quote 刘小姐）

老外写新闻逻辑性强，是线性思维，不想我们中国人是点性思维。以后要注意多看NYT之类的英文报纸的新闻写法，不要看中文的新闻写法。受众不同，新闻写作的要求也不一样。

whossuperUID: 2556986

8# woolala1202 太谢谢版主了，收益很深。 原来导语是要隔离开来的啊，我正像版主说的那样，导语里说了是老板推的房子直接下一段就说他是谁他为什么要推房子了。。。然后后面才开始说这事情是怎么回事。。好的，我继续努力练习，语法语言也有待提高！谢谢！

whyyolandaUID: 2626438

8# woolala1202
请教乌拉拉：我要申请PR，WS也要写新闻稿吗？我寒假在报社实习过一阵，以实习生的名义发表了几篇关注孤儿的报道，是不是要把登过报的中文稿翻成英文的寄过去呢？
求赐教~

abigail_ccUID: 2486751

SUNY-Albany 的communication program上有具体说的 writing sample的写法。可参考下，呵呵