回报寄托 特开习作修改小门脸儿

helluinUID: 2377112

前一阵复习作文  寄托和太傻的朋友们给了我很大的帮助

为了能帮助更多的朋友  特开此帖  希望能对各位有些许帮助

废话不多说

这里是我之前帖过的一次模考习作  http://bbs.taisha.org/thread-1708914-1-1.html
大家来贴作文前可以了解一下小弟的水平  如果信得过的话 就把自己的习作贴在下面好了  

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本鸟在太傻和寄托的作文版上开了习作修改帖后 发现了一些问题 想在这里先说明一下 小弟也是刚刚考完aw 虽然是某外国语学校英语学院的 但也自知水平有限 资历尚浅 贸然评论 必遭谩骂 但从一个英语专业的学生的角度 我的确看到了大家写作中的一些不足 本着服务战友的原则 我想 我还是要把想说的话说出来比较好 听不听 是各位作家的事情 只要我做到了我能做到的 也算是问心无愧


1. 模板

几篇作文中大部分都有模板的痕迹 有的是典型的由转承关系段落组织起来的文章 这说明一点 战友们已经看到了topic本身的 complexity 具备了批判性思考的能力 但我希望看到的是 大家真正的用批判性思考来引导写作 而不是用模板引导批判性思考 模板 只能提供思维方式 而不能提供思维深度 也就是说 它并不能帮助作者进行真正的 analyse 这一弊端 请各位谨记！


2. Analyse

说到这里 就该说说analyse了 其实坛子里关于如何分析的帖子很多 虽然大多数是关于 arg的 但issue的也有 我想说的是 请大家一定不要陷入这样一个误区 那就是 （ Topic Sentence + Example ） × N = AW


AW 重在 analyse 如果仅仅是罗列事例 远远达不到 头疼这个问题的童鞋应该会比较多吧 大家可以看看官方范文 还有 官方的写作指南 其实 那些都非常有启发性 会给你一些分析的思路 你可以想想 自己的例子从哪个角度可以支持TS 从这个例子里有没有映射出更深层次的问题 等等等等


这里我举一个例子(米油个人攻击的意思哈) technology not only influence but also determine social customs and ethics 的那道题 大家可以拿到题目先不着急写 先想想清楚 social customs and ethics 是不是一回事 influence and determine的区别在哪里 social customs and ethics是怎样反过来影响tech的发展的 是如何起到作用的 比如这里 你可以用到 克隆的例子 可以用到 安乐死的例子 这些例子里面的 ethics是什么？ 他们如何作用于人们的决策的？等等等等 有非常非常多的问题


列提纲也好 写全文也好 还希望大家把真正的重点放在思考上 因为这才是ets想要看到的东西


3. 关于开头


看到的作文中 有许多开头都是 先admit然后再however 非常经典的开头方式


但我想说的是 其实这样的开头 并不是可以生硬的应用在每一篇文章中的 按英语的写作习惯 如果 开头段是以 however 句 为结尾的话 下一段 很自然的应该顺城however句的内容说 而不是跳到前面admit的内容中去
但很多朋友都是 admit --- however 然后跳到 admit 写了几段 然后再写however后面的句子


这样看起来很生硬 尤其是 开始看第二段的时候 会感觉跳跃性太强了 希望大家多看下例文中的开头方式 和后面衔接段落的方法 应该会有不少启发 暂时先说这么多好了 以后再补充 真心希望这些能对大家有帮助 哪怕只有一点也好。。。

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每天改1篇 如果有特殊需要 可以给我发站内信
小弟也要开始复习笔试了
时间也比较紧张 但是为了回报太作文版 我会每天都来看的

修改只是提出意见  多少会有偏颇与不足之处  大家批判性的看就好  
最后 还是希望大家都能自己多思考 少用模板 别人的话 作为参考 小弟不是牛人 就算是牛人给出的意见 也不一定是对的不是？ 所以 相信自己吧～～都能成功



下面简单说下 我的修改规则

1. 关于语法错误 我尽量为大家挑出比较大的问题 过于细碎的 还是要靠平时的积累 这一点 英语专业的同僚们应该都能明白 所以 我只希望能给大家在最短的时间内 指出最致命的那些错误

2.关于文章内容 首先还是希望大家能在写前好好思考 这样才能有效的组织起来材料 文章内容 我会在文末用几句话写出我的感受 希望对各位xdjm有所帮助

3.关于文章结构 还是模板的问题 我个人不是很偏向模板 但如果实在没有别的办法 你用了模板 我也就只好给你这样改了 但四  还是希望大家有自己的逻辑思维线 并列也好 递进也好 转折也好 其实从模板上稍作改变 就能有所创新
和文章内容一样 我也会在文末写出我的感受 希望对你有用


下面就可以贴了～～
注：为了保证公平 每天改过一篇后 第二天小弟只会修改第二天的第一篇作文 第一天没有来得及改的 如有需要 小弟可以帮忙大致看一下 ～～～小弟时间有限 还望大家见谅

注2：为了让更多有需要的同学能看到本帖 希望大家拿到拍后的文章后 能回踩一下 谢谢各位了

最后 祝大家备考顺利

笑会计UID: 2872606

好人~我的issue25

笑会计UID: 2872606

谢谢LZ~献上issue一篇，望赐教
楼主是英语专业的？语言相当顺畅啊~
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1144277-1-1.html
ETS盯上太傻和寄托了。。。。还是不要直接贴作文为妙。。，到时候被判个自己和自己雷同就惨了。。。

TMACJAMESUID: 2836445

希望楼主有时间能看看小弟的issue,https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1144515-1-1.html
感激不尽啊

helluinUID: 2377112

3# 笑会计

给你改好了 希望对你有帮助

helluinUID: 2377112

3# 笑会计

嗯 我是半个英语专业 英语+新闻
我怎么觉得你倒是像个纯英专的 = =

笑会计UID: 2872606

6# helluin
过奖了。。。。其实是自己改过一遍，把看起来出现过好几次的词查了字典改过来的。。。。所有高级词回都不是原创。。。。
LZ关于把事情分成本来就简单和本来就复杂的思路确实很i犀利l啊，insightful！受教了~

nieyongUID: 2742661

楼主好人啊~~  我贴作文了  关于质疑的   请指导  谢谢

TOPIC: ISSUE153 - "Students should bring a certain skepticism to whatever they study. They should question what they are taught instead of accepting it passively."
WORDS: 633          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2010/8/24 23:22:01

Skepticism is generally refers to the spirit to cast doubt on established theories and opinions. In the realm of education, do student need some skepticism to no matter what they study? In my opinion, students should have their own positive thought and doubt when they have questions. However, undue skepticism may arouse side effect.

To begin with, teachers always talk about what the text books have said, which may be out of fashion for years. Only through Skepticism can we renew the knowledge and have a better understanding of the theories and opinions in the book. Ordinary students tend to receive what have taught passively while students with skepticism may question: How did it come into being? Can we properly substantiate it? Do we have another way to solve this question? Simultaneously, they will go to the library and look up numerous relevant files to thoroughly answer his question. In the process, the ability of solving new problems and the enthusiasm of study are surely improved. Even if his question is proved to be unjustifiable, the student harvest from the process to solve a problem and that is the crucial experience we need in our study.

Besides, what professors have taught is not always right, and even long established theories can be wrong. For example, Aristotle, the great philosopher and scientist in ancient times, has exerted profound influence on people lives with his authentic theories. His opinion of gravity prevailed until Galileo’s skepticism. Galileo used justifiable experiment to overturn fallacious theory and pave way for the new era. Also like Copernicus, although his skepticism was against the belief of the church, his theory of heliocentricism was ultimately universally accepted and gave people more accurate answers to the environment they live in. So skepticism is the very thing that could turn a new page in history and make up the errors in the past.

However, going too far is as bad as not going far enough, there are plenty of things impossible to doubt or not deserving our skepticism. On one hand, our current studies are based on former fundamental theories and axioms. Once we in first place do not trust this foundation, how can we continue our studies without it? If we seriously cast skepticism on the fundamental mathematic equation like 1+1=2, then any solution of mathematic problem is dubious and we cannot go on other studies on physics, chemistry and so forth. On the other hand, limited by our current conditions, we cannot bring skepticism on everything without considering its possibilities. Like we students cannot doubt the Black Hole Theory, as we have no concrete understanding of it and we are unable to dive into the universe to test its authenticity. Experience shows that, some circumstances do not deserve skepticism.

For the final analysis, undue skepticism may bring about unexpected counterproductive effect. One apt illustration involves Anelka, the famous French striker. In the realm of football, players are the students of their coach. Whereas in the World Cup in South Africa ended just now, not content about the team's tacit and formation, Anelka led a group of players cast harsh skepticism on the ability of coach: Domenech. What's more, they even have a long time strike to block the normal work of the coach. Therefore, it is not hard to imagine the big debacle and humiliation of France in the world cup and Anelka's dismissal of the team. Skepticism shall be within the control, undue skepticism may lead to extreme actions, which cannot solve the problem but aggravate it.

To sum up, Proper skepticism is beneficial and students shall be more positive to learn, because skepticism is the impetus to reform old patterns and learn new knowledge which is required by students. Meanwhile, undue skepticism may bring about counterproductive result and should be avoid.

helluinUID: 2377112

8# nieyong

改好了  
看后记得回复一下哈

nieyongUID: 2742661

谢谢楼主，你提的问题很中肯，我还需要继续努力修改。
谢谢你的鼓励  哈哈~

helluinUID: 2377112

希望有需要的同学看到帖子
顶一下

helluinUID: 2377112

又编辑了一下帖子
希望对大家有帮助

123runfordreamUID: 2697608

辛苦了~

rosyljUID: 2864460

10# nieyong
楼主好人啊， 我还有两天就考了，希望楼主帮忙看一下，谢谢哈

TOPIC: ISSUE69 - "Government should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and development"
WORDS: 466
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010/8/26 22:24:08

The speaker asserts that government should pay less attention on restricting the scientific research and development. I concede that, under some circumstance, the government should provide a free atmosphere for the scientists to conduct the research. Nevertheless, in attempt to strike a balance on the comprehensive development of the human society, some measures should be taken to restrict the undue evolution on science.
Admittedly, sometimes the scientific research looks ahead of the public and so creative that the government less understands and fails to judge its stand or fall. If with the over restriction on the research, some scientists would lose their passion to continue studying further. History could illustrate this point. During the prosperous religious period, the government with the limitation of feudal thought has impeded the process of scientific development or even the society. Additionally, the free atmosphere of academic could inspire more scientists to immerge themselves in studying. Consider, for instance, Einstein, in order to pursue the free environment of research, he left Germany for America. Consequently, the free environment could maximize human curiosity and imagination, also, impels them to search the new discovery.
However, some reasonable restrictions should be conducted to the scientific research, that certify the benefits of the majority. As we know, the science is a double-edged sword. Such as the nuclear energy, on the one hand, its research facilitates the establishment of nuclear power station which save the cost of generating energy, on the other hand, it produces the nuclear weapon with the potential danger, which is once used to war, would bring catastrophe to the human being. Similar to the technology of clone and gene engineering, to some extent, they have cured many people and prolonged their life. However, when it comes to its application to the production of people with high quality, it would induce the conflict racial problem and mess up the sequence of the society. Viewed of this fashion, it is advisable for the government to take some rational steps or proclaim some laws to condition the side effect of the scientific research.
Furthermore, the government should pay more emphasis on a certain realms of scientific research and restrict them to balance the development of each scientific filed. For example, the software engineering can bring the immediate benefits to some groups, while the astronomy and biology might cost too long time to acquire any little progress and we cannot get effect instantly. If without the government's coordination, some domains just like the astronomy and biology would gradually fall into a decline.
From the analysis above, the government should provide the scientists sufficient freedom to conduct the scientific research which benefits the majority. Nevertheless, some rational measures should be taken to restrict the side effects of the scientific research and balance the evolution of human being.


TOPIC: ARGUMENT10 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of a Batavia newspaper.

"The department of agriculture in Batavia reports that the number of dairy farms throughout the country is now 25 percent greater than it was 10 years ago. During this same time period, however, the price of milk at the local Excello Food Market has increased from $1.50 to over $3.00 per gallon. To prevent farmers from continuing to receive excessive profits on an apparently increased supply of milk, the Batavia government should begin to regulate retail milk prices. Such regulation is necessary to ensure both lower prices and an adequate supply of milk for consumers."
WORDS: 466
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2010/8/26 22:24:08

To support the recommendation that we'd better reduce the retail price of the milk to ensure an adequate supply of milk for the consumers, the arguer cites a series of evidences that
the number of dairy farms increases, while bring the result that higher prize of the milk. And the arguer asserts that the farmers get excessive profits from the supply of milk. Close scrutiny of each of evidence, however, reveals that it suffers from a host of critical fallacies.
To begin with, the premise of this claim that the farmers have received excessive benefits from the supply of milk, is lack of convince. The arguer provides no statistics to illustrate the cost the farmers spend on the produce of milk, as well as the profits from the retails of milk. What's more, he fails to inform us whether the profits have exceeded the standard of the equal producers in the market. Without such information, how could we know the profits that the farmers received are excessive? Thus, the hasty conclusion to the farmers is unfair.
Furthermore, there are many critical points in the evidence cited by the arguer, that the prize of milk increases a time than before on the base of the increasing of the number of the dairy farms. First, the increase of the dairy farms' number is unnecessary to attribute the increase of the production of milk. Common sense informs us that the increase of the production could lead to the decrease of the prize. While, there is no any more evidence about the production of the milk. It is absolutely possible that the production per farm has decreased that led the supply of the milk in the market is consistent with its demand or even lower than its demand. In addition, the relation between the price and the production is unnecessary. The increase of the price has something to do with other factors, such as inflation, because the argument has no signs about the details of the whole market or the condition of other producers.
Finally, the arguer recommends to regulate the price of milk to ensure the lower price and the supply of milk in the market, while, he overlooks an important problem that the increase of the price just demonstrates that the rise supply of milk. If taking any measures to decline the price, the market would lose the present resource of dairy farms, that straight leads to the insufficient supply of milk.
Anyway, the letter seems rational since it aims to ensure the lower price of milk and the sufficient supply to the consumers. However, the arguer fails to provide more information to validate its reasons. To solidified the argument, the arguer should rule out any possibilities just as the above mentioned that would determine the arguer’s claim

FionazhangfangUID: 2882842

楼主，请帮忙提提意见，谢谢你！！！

"Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

The statement asserts that only satisfy every student’s needs and interests, education would be truly effective. In my opinion, it is obviously to see that education should pay more attention on the needs and interests of the students. However, it is tough for education to content every student. What’s more, as a student, I have received most of my education in school. Thus, I’ll use school as a symbol of education to explain my point of view in the following paragraphs.

First of all, from individuals’ aspect to say, interest, together with great efforts, supports and some lucky, could lead to a person’s eventually success. Albert Einstein once said that the interest is the best teacher. We always find that people are more willing to devote themselves to the things they are interested in. When mentioning Choi Yun-fat, who acts a famous movie which is Anna and the King, people will appreciate his fine acting. However, without finding his own interests, Choi only can be a mediocre salesman in Hong Kong. Through Choi’s example, if a person’s successful like a ship, then the interest is the wind, pushing the ship to go forward.

In addition, from the society’s aspect to say, cultivating students based on their interests could provide various professional people which suitable for all kinds of careers. It is well know that scientist is crucial to the development of a country, even the world. However, we not only need scientist in this world, we also need farmers who can provide our food, we also need teachers who impark knowledge to us, we also need musicians whose melody can assist us to relax. By the way, not every person has the talent to be a scientist. Thus, the major purpose of the education is to train person for every profession. If schools only pay attention to the score and performance of the students, ignoring students' interests, students may not know what their advantages are. Even worse, the society will lose some specialists in some certain areas. When little Einstein was in the elementary school, instead of performing well in some basic courses, he interested in thinking some difficult phenomenon, especially the physical phenomenon. If without his father’s help and supports in finding his interests on thinking, Einstein might only became an unknown person in the ocean of history, our society would lose a great scientist, and the theory of relativity which is one of the greatest theories in physics would also be inexistent.   

It is noticeable from the two paragraphs above that interests are really critical, and therefore schools should endeavor to seek and cultivate students' interests. They should offer some approaches to guide students to find their interests for the reason that it is hard for students to do by themselves in such an immature age. To establish some elective courses is a good method. One of my friends was admitted into our university with the major of accounting, a money-making and stable major in the perspective of many people. However, she found that she didn’t like this major after taking some courses of accounting. Meanwhile, she took some courses offered by my major, such as Moving Making and Editing of Movie, and got fascinated by the major of Media. Finally, she realized her interest in media and found her talent in this major. After graduating with the bachelor degree of accounting, she pursued her master study in the major of Film Making.

Admittedly, interests of students have great influence on education. However, it doesn’t mean that the schools should teach students according to everyone's interests and needs. First, for training a basic knowledge about this world, schools still should offer some foundational courses, such as English, Math, etc. These courses may help students avoid over favor on one or some courses and neglect others. In addition, students lack of experience to judge which course they should take. Take English for example, some students feel that they don't like English, but to cancel this course or not, this is a doubtable question. Last but not the least, as the time goes by, students may also change their interests. And then, it is too early to fix a certain interest of a student.

To summarize, the interest is one of the best ways for students to learn knowledge and become successful. Besides, for cultivating people suitable for some certain areas, schools should pay attention to the interests and needs of students. However, overweight students' interests can also lead chaos to education. It is better for school to find equilibrium between interests and compulsory curriculum.