新手Luke处女作求拍~~~

ryomacoolUID: 2599979

We know art and music could enhance people's cultural and moral quality,and math language,science and history could make people know the truth of the world.So I think young school children should be required study art and music,besides math language,science and history.
In fact, the children,studying at primary school or middle school,do not know what are they really interested in.some of them may be interested in art,some may be interested in science,some may be even interested both of them.They should be taught all the subjects so that they could find the subject which he/she likes the most.for example,if one do not contact a piano,people won't know weather he likes play piano.So children should choose the subjects by themselves,not the others.
In addition,the works of artist and musicians are come from the live and nature.They express the beauty of the nature or their love to the live and nature through their works. And these works could make people feeling the beauty of the nature,find the beauty hiding behind our lives.It could teach children how to find the beauty,how to appreciate the beauty.
Finally,art and music also have rich cultural background.different cultures developed different kinds of art or music.when children learn these different kinds of art and music, it helps them to understand the knowledge learned from the history class.for example,the gardens of China reflects the spirit of confucian ideology.the confucian ideology is the most important ideology in chinese traditional culture.
In a word,it is necessary for young school children to study art and music,besides math language,science and history.

ryomacoolUID: 2599979

望各位朋友猛烈的拍，如有需要我也会帮大家改的，  互相帮助~~~~~

ryomacoolUID: 2599979

求好心人拍拍~~~

~Ls~UID: 2655473

①        We know art and music could enhance people's cultural and moral quality,and math language,science and history could make people know the truth of the world.So I think young school children should be required study art and music,besides math language,science and history."
1．        Be required to do sth. ,掉了一个to
②        In fact, the children,studying at primary school or middle school,do not know what are they really interested in.some of them may be interested in art,some may be interested in science,some may be even interested both of them.They should be taught all the subjects so that they could find the subject which he/she likes the most.for example,if one do not contact a piano,people won't know weather he likes play piano.So children should choose the subjects by themselves,not the others.
1．        Do not know what they are(不是are they) really interested in
2．        后面紧跟着全都是intersted in…可以考虑词组的多样性：Some may be interested in science, some may be keen on art, others are likely to be crazy about both.
3．        不要老是用should, they should do A, they should do B.  可以用they are suppose to do, they need to do
4．        用中文“不接触钢琴”就用contact a piano???
5．        Weather应该是whether吧？输入错误
6．        Whether he/she likes it or not.(不要又重复一遍piano)
③        In addition,the works of artist and musicians are come from the live and nature.They express the beauy of the nature or their love to the live and nature through their works. And these works could make people feeling the beauty of the nature,find the beauty hiding behind our lives.It could teach children how to find the beauty,how to appreciate the beauty
1.Come from…（怎么还有are come from难道有两个谓语东西吗？）
2．你是想说来源于生活吧   life
10.make sb. Do sth.(make people feel the beatuy..)

④        Finally,art and music also have rich cultural background.different cultures developed different kinds of art or music.when children learn these different kinds of art and music, it helps them to understand the knowledge learned from the history class.for example,the gardens of China reflects the spirit of confucian ideology.the confucian ideology is the most important ideology in chinese traditional culture.
⑤        In a word,it is necessary for young school children to study art and music,besides math language,science and history.

我只是把最显眼的一些小错误给你纠正出来了。
其实你的Topic是children应该学一些music and art,给出两个理由：
理由1：根绝他们各自的兴趣来选择，只有先去了解了才能知道自己到底喜欢的是什么
理由2：art和music里面的作品反映各地文化，学习它们对了解各地文化有好处。
全文不足300字，开头和结尾稍显简单，最后一段最好作一个小结（不是抄一遍哈）。
理由的扩展，develop,还需要一些example和detail。
中式思维和句子很明显，哈哈，建议多看一些好的范文，学习它们的表达，其实多看多总结多练也就好了吧
Good luck
献丑啦~~~

ryomacoolUID: 2599979

非常感谢~~~~~，9.18就考了，看了你的建议，我觉得我得二战了，呵呵~~~