求批下。。剑桥七test2 的作文。。能有7咩~~

angelwypUID: 2803734

写得很纠结~~~麻烦大家了
The four line curves demonstrate the amount of consumed fish, lamb, beef and chicken in a surveyed European country from 1979 to 2004.

At the beginning of 1979, the data of consumed beef ranked first (approximately 230 grams per person per week), with lamb (150 grams), chicken (140 grams) and fish (60 grams) ranking the second, third and fourth respectively.

However, the period from 1979 to 2004 saw a remarkable decrease in the data of beef and lamb, plunging to about 100 grams and 55 grams respectively. Meanwhile, the figure of fish fell down modestly, which declined from 60 grams to a bit less than 50 grams during the 25- year span.

On the contrary, there was a significant increase in the number of chicken, exceeding that of lamb in 1980 and that of beef in 1990. Thereafter, the consumption of chicken rocketed to over 250 grams in 2004.

In conclusion, the line graph manifested the variation of 4 types of meat. In addition, the most striking feature is that the consumption of chicken underwent a dramatic rise, while others illustrated a downward trend.


(184 words)





The recent decades has witnessed that publicity has captured the attention of citizens towards crimes and punishments, such as focusing on the variation of the 2010 Amendment of China’s Criminal Law. Thus, whether there is a fixed punishment for every crime is worth discussing.

Admittedly, fixed punishments can maintain the dignity of laws. In other words, it can make efforts to the stability of the society. No one will be afraid of facing unjust punishments, since everyone must obey the visible regulations and the judges have to punish the criminals in accordance with stable legal requirements. On the other hand, citizens would pay much more attention to their behaviors in order to avoiding committing crimes, for they are unable to escape from fixed rules However, in this system judges will be regarded as a kind of machine; all he need to do is to announce the judgment according to the penal code. Furthermore, the attorneys will be nobody but a ‘decoration’ on the court.

However, if we sentence a crime based on its particular circumstances and motivation, the legal system can be more tolerant and welcomed by the public. Nevertheless, people may be confused about the procedures and limitations about laws. In addition, the ordinary people will be placed in such a hazardous situation, since hardly can they imagine how they would be punished if they break the rules. For instance, it is reported that a young man was originally sentenced to life imprisonment for stealing money from the automatic teller machines. Due to the attorney’s endeavor, his sentences was shorten to 5 years. What a big gap! This, of course, gave rise to suspicions about the legislation. Since that government ought to impose some restrictions to prevent the flexible punishments from leading to social upheaval.

My view is that the government should implement a kind of flexible but strictly restricted laws. By that I mean the judge can be entitled to judge or sentence a criminal in a narrow range. In this way, not only can the criminals be treated fairly, but the citizens can also obey the laws uncomplicatedly.


(352 words)

owenlu1989UID: 2899658

What a big gap!   学术类文章不能用这类的情感句子，要正式。我不是大神，我也刚学雅思

67169619UID: 2320695

我感觉写得还是挺专业的

angelwypUID: 2803734

谢谢肯定。。

angelwypUID: 2803734

What a big gap!   学术类文章不能用这类的情感句子，要正式。我不是大神，我也刚学雅思
owenlu1989 发表于 2010-9-14 21:29

这个我觉得是个强调。。。

eweUID: 2891191

我觉得表达非常不顺畅...建议多读NATIVE SPEAKER写的范文...

angelwypUID: 2803734

楼上我觉得其实可能是我们文风不和睦吧~~真的。。。我雅思作文虽然一直不能上7。。但是也没有低于过6.5。。而且native也没说我不通顺。。。一般老师说我写的好蛮清楚的。。。。

eweUID: 2891191

The recent decades has witnessed that publicity has captured the attention of citizens towards crimes and punishments, such as focusing on the variation of the 2010 Amendment of China’s Criminal Law.

真的,这只是文风问题么? 除了我以外没人觉得这表达别扭?  也许是我阅读量太少吧~~~

angelwypUID: 2803734

这句话啊。。批改的老师帮我把that删了。。其他的没有改。。。这个用法蛮常见的。。。在雅思的阅读里有出现过。。但是我不太记得是哪篇了。。

eweUID: 2891191

你说的是哪个用法?

capture sb's attention towards sth, such as focusing on sth?

看到过  capture sb's attention towards sth

但我觉得不顺的是后半句的衔接, such as focusing on sth... 我读上去会迷惑这句话的意思是ＰＵＢＵＬＩＣＩＴＹ通过诸如关注修订ＸＸＸ法律的手段，来把公众的注意力吸引到法律犯罪上那？　

还是说ＰＵＢＵＬＩＣＩＴＹ把公民的注意力吸引到法律犯罪上，比如让公民们关注ＸＸＸ修正案。。。

就是说到底是ＰＵＢＵＬＩＣＩＴＹ自己ＦＯＣＵＳ　ＯＮ这个法律修订案那，还是他让公民们去关注这个法律修订案那。。。。从语法上说似乎更像是自己关注，但是从逻辑上上说。。。我又觉得是想让公民关注。。。。

bqianaUID: 193168

What a big gap!   学术类文章不能用这类的情感句子，要正式。我不是大神，我也刚学雅思
owenlu1989 发表于 2010-9-14 21:29

agree

around band 6