凼凼的个人作文本

凼凼55667UID：2904147

15# lizhengjiang
谢谢你的回批。也祝愿你取得好成绩~~
你回批的时候也发现了，我的论据有时候比较费解。嗯~有时候是因为句子造得不够清晰，有时候是因为论证发展得太快让人跟不上。

我现在遇到一个问题:
      一方面想在文章中写出更多的论据，一方面又想让每一个论据都说到位，用逻辑把它们统一起来。
      怎么把握这个度？求解~

第五希云捷UID：2457467

09.04.03NA   Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? The best way to improve the quality of education in a country is toincrease teachers' salaries.

I totally disagree [with] that the best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase teachers' salaries. 9 n4 ^2 \, T0 B4 C/ r8 e1 i2 F# P

Possibly, the benefit behind this proposal is to attract advanced graduates, who would compete with the old teachers [这个old用的应该不太好，只与老教师竞争不与在校年轻教师竞争？是不是要改成一个类似于Present的词呢？]in schoolyard, which result in the progress of education in whole country. But this proposal is just based on the breezing wind.(这一段的让步不是特别好，感觉前一句说有好处，后一句说这个好处又没有根据。是不是应该说这样会带来一定的好处，但是其也会带来一定的恶果或是有更好的办法替代？)

Money, the most important issue in that statement, is of little value in reality. With salary equality, the teacher, a job with rarely career development, is always less attractive than jobs with opportunity and challenge[the teacher 和jobs不能作为less than的比较对象吧？]. How could it be if a brilliant graduate gives up the job in Wall Street and chooses to be a teacher in primary school? Would s/he loses her/his talent in the secure environment instead of making progress in education?（说实话我觉得这段跑题了，没有谈到improve quality这个关键点）6 x, D2 {7 w$ ], Z

Some people may argue that anyway a well-paid job deserves competing in job market. However, it cannot always bring positive competition in education. During the competition, relationship between old teachers and the new ones would change to sharp contraction. In a society of injustice, it is reasonable for old teachers, who have to defend their jobs and status in school, to make the rules stricter for the job applicators, which limit the resource of education in fact, and even to admit their familiar persons to get the job.(此段建议加上一个总结，比如Thus decrease the quality of education之类的，否则这段没有归到题目的意思，有点类似跑题了。)

Even bad effects would appear if we want to improve education in this way. In the effort to be fair, salary of teachers of all kind, including kindergarden, primary school, music school, ect. should be increased at the same time. And so does the teacher’s pension. In a developing country as China, to pay this extra money, more tax is required by the government, and finally the financial burden of the middle class increases. Consequently, many parents do not have much money to spend  on their children’s education.(同样我觉得应该可上个对教育质量不好，同时呢提个问题，是不是家长花的钱少了教育质量就一定降呢？这是否一定是个因果关系呢？逻辑上是否通呢？)

On the other hand, besides the proposal mentioned in the topic, we have other better solutions. For developing countries, renewing teaching facilities in some remote and destitute places and update the education ideal with developed countries, are both efficient and executable to upgrade the quality of education.（这一段没有论证开，我个人的意思是如果没有认证开的话还不如不写）6 f. {3 r2 N" u" R: |% {


Overall, plenty of evidence  indicate that increase the teacher’s salary  is definitely not the best way, and not even the useful way, to improve the education in a country.

我觉得：
这个题最关键的在于论证是不是The best way
我觉得依文章的意思可以按以下思路写：
1）
让步，承认这么做会给教育带来一定的正作用；
2）
提高薪水带来的恶劣后果1,直接降低了教育水平
3）
提高薪水带来的恶劣后果2,直接降低了教育水平
仅供参考……

zcnvszwjUID：2815734

09.04.03NA   Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase teachers' salaries.
I totally disagree that the best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase teachers' salaries.
Possibly, the benefit behind this proposal is to attract advanced graduates, who would compete with the old teachers in schoolyard, which result in the progress of education in whole country. But this proposal is just based on the breezing wind.
Money, the most important issue in that statement, is of little value in reality. With salary equality, the teacher, a job with rarely career development, is always less attractive than jobs with opportunity and challenge. How could it be if a brilliant graduate gives up the job in Wall Street and chooses to be a teacher in primary school? （这个反问站不住脚，现实中还真有为教育放弃金钱的，加个mostly更好一点）Would s/he loses her/his talent in the secure environment instead of making progress in education?
Some people may argue that anyway a well-paid job deserves competing in job market. However, it can not always bring positive competition in education. During the competition, relationship between old teachers and the new ones would change to sharp contraction. In a society of injustice, it is reasonable for old teachers, who have to defend their jobs and status in school, to make the rules stricter for the job applicators, which limit the resource of education in fact, and even to admit their familiar persons to get the job.
Even bad effects would appear if we want to improve education in this way. In the effort to be fair, salary of teachers of all kind, including kindergarten, primary school, music school, ect should be increased at the same time. And so does the teacher’s pension. In a developing country as China, to pay this extra money, more tax is required by the government, and finally the financial burden of the middle class increases. Consequently, many parents do not have much money to spend  on their children’s education.* G% v! |& ~0 t1 ^3 m! f- j4 B" {0
On the other hand, besides the proposal mentioned in the topic, we have other better solutions. For developing countries, renewing teaching facilities in some remote and destitute places and update the education ideal with developed countries, are both efficient and executable to upgrade the quality of education.: X& N/ F( w* H% D& f" |8 w' @& v
Overall, plenty of evidence  indicate that increase the teacher’s salary  is definitely not the best way, and not even the useful way, to improve the education in a country.
1、        如果这是在30分钟内完成的，我个人表示很敬佩；
2、        每段具体的例子太少，楼主多是在用理论进行论证，这其实会非常考验美国老师的智商；
3、        词语运用可以再丰富一些，比如找不到同义词时，可以用类似意思的短语，这样会加分的；
4、        7段式的最好还是不要，至多6段，也是因为得考虑到美国老师的理解能力，当然，第3段到第5段递进和并列的逻辑不够明确，加点连接词吧；
5、        绝对不推荐每段只有一句话，无论哪种情况；
6、        水平有限，言语直接，祝楼主成功。

langtianrinuanUID：2810236

谢谢你帮我批改呀。