issue93

sabrina.dyUID：133082

又一篇ISSUE和大家分享,希望在有空的时候,你能多多指点.
我是不是有些进步了呢???

39. The concept of “individual responsibility” is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.
1, 论点
Admittedly, societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, but I strongly disagree with the contention that people’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.
2, 正文
Para1, 如果人们不需要对自己的行为负责的话,社会将大乱.
例: 1, 人们因为仇恨可以随便报复,杀人而不负一点点的责任,那么我们又回到了野蛮的原始社会.
2, 我们因为穷困饥饿就可以随便去抢银行,去抢别人的东西,那么我们和其他的动物没有区别
Para2, 一个健康发展,秩序井然的社会必须有强制力迫使人们对自己的行为负责.
如, 由于自己的疏忽或是错误给他人造成损失都要给予赔偿.
司机撞了人,无论有意还是无意,都必须给予受害者赔偿; 厂家生产的不合格产品损害了消费者利益,也要给予赔偿.
Para3, 但是人们的行为更多的是靠个人的素质,而非强制力.
如: 见义勇为, 助人为乐. (举一个人经历). 相反,就算是有法律强制力的约束,很多人还是知法犯法,这就是因为他们的道德水平地下,素质低下的结果.
3. 成文
When I was a child, teachers and parents always told me that, as a human being, you must have a sense of “responsibility” in your heart. Again, the word—responsibility--is mentioned in the title, Admittedly, to a well-being and orderly society, it must hold individuals responsible for their own actions. However, people’s behavior is not largely determined by forces from the outside, but ultimately determined by people’s own making at heart.
Without forces to hold people accountable for their actions, our society would be no different form primeval society. Just imagine that people could cut one another's throat without any punishment, chances are that no people would be in the public places securely; provided we could wantonly rob a bank or others only because of poverty and starvation, we would be no better than other creatures on the earth.
Therefore, for the well development of our society, there must be forces to compel people to answer for their actions. For example, when a person who acted against the traffic rules in an accident injured others, he must offer amends to the victims according to laws, namely responsible for his action by force. In the same way, the manufacturer has to compensate their customers for the unqualified products they produced, and only through these ways, people’s legal right can be well protected.
While society needs force to hold people accountable for their actions, one point I have to illuminate is that people’s behavior is determined by their own making and sense of social responsibility rather than external force. To demonstrate this point, I have a personal experience: when I was four years old, I went to a shopping center with my elder sister, and unfortunately, I could not find her in the jam-packed hall. Losing my sister and not knowing the way go home, I burst into tears. However, many warm-hearted people there helped me find my sister, and under their help, eventually, I turned up her. I believe nobody forced them to do so, but starting from the compassion and benevolence, they did it naturally. Another case in point is that social volunteers. Under no force and with no profits, volunteers contribute a lot to our society in various fields. On the contrary, even with restriction of laws, some people also commit crime to harm other’s interests in order to satisfy their own desires, which results from their poor moral and making.
Consequently, I argue that external forces to ensure people’s responsibility for their actions is indispensable, but I strongly disagree with the last contention in title that people’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

sabrina.dyUID：133082

怎么，写得太差了，无以言表了？？还是大家太忙了？希望是后者。

paisleyUID：64183

The concept of “individual responsibility” is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.



When I was a child, teachers and parents always told me that, as a human being, you must have a sense of “responsibility” in your heart. Again, the word—responsibility--is mentioned in the title, Admittedly, to a well-being（这是个名词哦） and orderly society, it must hold individuals responsible for their own actions. However, people’s behavior is not largely determined by forces from the outside, but ultimately determined by people’s own making at heart.

Without forces to hold people accountable for their actions, our society would be no different form（拼写错误，是from吧） primeval society. Just imagine that people could cut one another's throat without any punishment, chances are that no people would be in the public places securely; provided we could wantonly rob a bank or others only because of poverty and starvation, we would be no better than other creatures on the earth.

Therefore, for the well development of our society, there must be forces to compel people to answer for（answer for好象用的不是太妥当） their actions. For example, when a person who acted（此处用acts就可以了，不需要这么强的虚拟语气） against the traffic rules in an accident injured others, he must offer amends to the victims according to laws, namely responsible for his action by force. In the same way, the manufacturer has to compensate their customers for the unqualified products they produced（不必用过去时的）, and only through these ways, people’s legal right can be well protected.

While（少冠词） society needs force to hold people accountable for their actions, one point I have to illuminate（这个词褒义比较强，用在自己身上感觉就有点自恋了，呵呵。） is that people’s behavior is determined by their own making and （少冠词）sense of social responsibility rather than external force. To demonstrate this point, I have a personal experience: when I was four years old, I went to a shopping center with my elder sister, and unfortunately, I could not find her in the jam-packed hall. Losing my sister and not knowing the way（少to） go home, I burst into tears. However, many warm-hearted people there helped me find my sister, and under their help, eventually, I turned up her（代词不可以放在最后，得是turned her up）. I believe nobody forced them to do so, but starting from the compassion and benevolence, they did it naturally. Another case in point is that social volunteers. Under no force and with no profits, volunteers contribute a lot to our society in various fields. On the contrary, even with restriction of laws, some people also commit crime to harm other’s interests in order to satisfy their own desires, which results from their poor moral and making.
个人感觉,在GRE作文中出现这样生动的例子(即你的生活经历)并不合适.这样比较适合托福作文，但是GRE作文着重思辨,有这样的例子只会使文章显得层次太浅.


Consequently, I argue(感觉argue经常用在别人身上，不太指自己的,可用insist,不过后面的谓语动词就得是be,不能是is are等) that external forces to ensure people’s responsibility for their actions is indispensable, but I strongly disagree with the last contention in title that people’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.(呵呵，你最后这么"义愤填膺"地反驳题目，不过你文章里似乎反驳的力道还不够些.)

我觉得你文章写得还不错.意思表达地比较清楚了.不过好象说理还不够深入,(当然这个题目太难也是原因)其实你是赞同题目中Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions的，所以你只要集中火力攻击后半句people’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.就可以了。

比如你可以分层次说. 在经济领域如何，在政治领域如何，在社会关系日常生活领域如何，在文学艺术创造领域如何....伟人和凡人是否有区别, 地位不同者是否有区别,等等。这样写起来就丰满了.



希望你也能多多修改其他朋友的文章。如果觉得自己的英文还不是特别好，那么不一定要改他们的词句, 提点结构上和想法上的建议也是好的。因为你不可能每个题目都练过来啊，看别人的题目，自己脑子过一遍,既可以给别人提建议，自己又多了一次训练的机会.为别人服务的人优先得到斑竹的修改哦！

sabrina.dyUID：133082

谢谢斑竹帮我看文章。至于给别人评文章，我以前没什么自信，因为我认为自己的文章还不咋样呢，不过我觉得你说的有道理，语言上的可以不发表什么意见，但是内容和结构上可以稍微评价一下的，以后我会试着做这些的。

paisleyUID：64183

好的，十分感谢！：）

paisleyUID：64183

不过我不是11.23那次，我考的是单项作文。哈哈，我居然忘记了。

这是我考完以后的经验谈，也许有用
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthre ... =%D1%A9%D6%D0%D6%F1

sabrina.dyUID：133082

你的作文成绩太让人羡慕了，不过看了你经验谈，我知道这不是因为幸运，而是因为你是一个很有心计，很会学习的人。这里值得我学习的东西很多，到目前为止，我只练了5篇，而且是不计时的，我觉得自己的脑子很空，也试过计时，但是没能完成，写着写着就没东西了。我也有很多拼写错误，但是就没想着把这些错误记下来。而且我写作的时候也碰到过有例子举不出来的情况，比如想举个莫泊桑的《羊脂球》，想说说哥白尼的“日心说”，可是既不知道他们的名字怎么写，也不知道他们的作品或理论怎样表达，查完之后怎么就不想着用个小本子把他们集中起来呢。傻子似的！而且我觉得issue的作文有的很费脑子，但是作为大学生，很多题目是很有必要去思考的。
谢谢你，我很希望趁GRE考试之机好好的把英文的写作练一练，虽然现在非典过后要上课了，暑假也被剥夺了，但是已经报名了（还没得到确认函），没退路了，往前走好了。
希望今后还能得到你的意见和建议。