1208 独立

linaxu0123UID: 2925353

感觉写得不好，完全没有思路>.<.......怎么办.......

竹子落UID: 2797518

看了下楼主的文章
提几点意见 纯属参考哈~
1 感觉文章有点头重脚轻的感觉 第一段用的模板吧 哈哈 和文章主体相比较 开头有点话多
2 理由一般都会列举3点 而且楼主的第2点有点牵强 孔融让梨这个...貌似说服力不够啊
3 楼主可以写写 比如 不礼貌会造成很多误会 对人们办事反而造成很多不便 然后举个例子什么的
  或者说对个人的发展也不好 在公司里会怎么样~

linaxu0123UID: 2925353

非常感谢哈^^ 感觉说得很对。我每次写作最纠结的就是写不出东西。。。烦恼>.<.....

黑衣宰相UID: 2712327

So crucial is the moral quality that people should spare no efforts to pursuit it; but increasing people tend to ignore the significant role it plays with the highly-development of society. Under no circumstance should people be rude to others, as I concerned: since people always need high respect in the busy society, and being polite is an old Chinese tradition.

In the first place, it is the fact that people need care and respect. Busy life exerts considerably negative impacts on people, while some polite behaviors, such as simple smile and sweet regard, relief their tension and warm their hearts. My own experience may illustrate the view more profoundly. During my internship in a TV Studio, those arrogant and stone-faced left very bad impressions on us interns; and another host who always smiled and greeted to me whenever I did him a favor became my good friend and got along with us very well. Therefore, arrogance contrary to politeness which can always bring people further understanding and care to others, is never a proper way of social interaction.

In the second place, under no circumstance would Chinese forget their ancient moral rules, that being polite absolutely plays a primary role. Some stories are universally acknowledged, such as Kong Rong gave the bigger pear to sibling, Zhou Gong stopped eating meal whenever visitors came, and so forth. These polite behaviors contribute a lot to their success. Thus, being polite is so important to people's achievement that people should not place emphasis on it too much.

From what has been discussed above, we may now draw the general conclusion that being polite makes huge contributions to conciliating others and gaining personal accomplishment. For these reasons, politeness must still be expected by the members of the society.
直接帮你改了一下，其实问题就是重复的论述观点但是缺乏论据和例子，在叙述的时候有些过于拖沓，尤其是第一段，如果是开门见山的话那就应该干脆利落，原文的前四句话其实都在重复一个观点：世风日下，礼乐崩坏。作为一个引子铺成一句就够了，然后第二句点名观点。
对于逗号的用法其实要谨慎，中国人写文章常常会用逗号把句子写碎掉，除非作者非常想用关联词表达某种逻辑关系，否则用and和but分号冒号连接句子就足够了。另外，however不要随便用，外国人喜欢用这个字表达no matter how的意思。
第二个例子似乎没有足够的支持性，Chinese society value can hardly represent the value of the global; you should demonstrate the ancient Chinese tradition has a worldwide influence. 这也是作者可以补足字数的一个地方。比如：the ancient Chinese tradition has spread around world with Confucious philosophy. 然后举两个外国企业家性格温和为人有礼备受好评的例子。
最后，作者的倒装很犀利，但是除了否定之外吗，任何想强调的部分逗号都可以丢到句首，这样句子会更飘逸。另外建议好好研究下同位语，中国人写文章基本上市不会用同位语的，把所有的内容结构都变成定语，其实同位语写的好很有味道的。

linaxu0123UID: 2925353

4# 黑衣宰相

谢谢你的评讲，觉得很受益。特别是第一段的写作，决定省略。语言方面，感觉很难改，因为周六就考试了。不过我会记得你说得。并且感觉对今后的写作也很有帮助。谢谢！^^~