初次写Argument,望请高人知道

天雨涯UID: 2980560

由于只有一星期的准备时间，所以只能硬着头皮写了。下面是一篇模拟写作，希望大家能帮忙提提意见。。 拜托~

TOPIC: ARGUMENT227 - The following appeared as an editorial in a local newspaper.

"In order to attract visitors to Central Plaza downtown and to return the plaza to its former glory, the city should prohibit skateboarding there and instead allow skateboarders to use an area in Monroe Park. At Central Plaza, skateboard users are about the only people one sees now, and litter and defaced property have made the plaza unattractive. In a recent survey of downtown merchants, the majority supported a prohibition on skateboarding in the plaza. Clearly, banning skateboarding in Central Plaza will make the area a place where people can congregate for fun or for relaxation."
WORDS: 379
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2011-1-16 23:20:43

The author recommended that skateboarders should be to blame for the litter and defaced property of Central Plaza and should be prohibited in Central Plaza downtown and be allow in Monroe Park, by doing so the visitors could be attracted to Central Plaza, the glory of it would come back and the area could be used for congregation of people. To support his recommendation, he also cited a survey of downtown merchants, a majority of who supported his opinion.
However, it is not clear whether the skateboarders should be responsible for the depression of Center Plaza downtown. The author has said that there are litter and defaced property there, this to some extent infers that there are nobody caring about Central Plaza. If the government and residents do care about it, there should be someone who keeps it clean. And the situation that skateboarders are about the only people there is probably the result of this carelessness. Maybe others don't want to go there, and just for its wide and flat ground there, the skateboarders go there. In this case, skateboarders are not the reason for the gloom of Central Plaza, and on the contrary, it is just because Central Plaza is out of persons that the skateboarders go there.
As for the survey, merchants just care about their own benefits, perhaps they thought if the skateboarders can not play in Central Plaza, they would go to the charged fields for skateboarding. Or maybe skateboarders sometimes disturbed their business in some other places, and they just wanted to revenge on them. Anyway, the opinion of merchants can not represent the whole residents of downtown.
If these are the occasions, then prohibiting skateboarding in Central Plaza downtown could not bring the results that the author expected. Something else might result in the depression fo Central Plaza. Perhaps it’s the government’s responsibility, then to recover the glory of its former of Central Plaza, the government should enhance administration there. First, they should to keep it clean, then build some public facilities for people's congregation and relaxation, and introduce business there to attract visitors.
Besides, the author recommended that the skateboarders could go to Monroe Park. But there is no evidence to show whether that park is suitable for skateboarding. Maybe the ground is not flat, or maybe there are too many people there that there is no broad enough place for the skateboarders.
To a large extent, the skateboarding there is not the factor preventing Central Plaza from being attractive and back to its former glory. The author should consider fully and deeply about the current situation of Central Plaza and decide what should be done to return the Plaza to its former glory.

missingusaUID: 2625832

TOPIC: ARGUMENT227 - The following appeared as an editorial in a local newspaper.

"In order to attract visitors to Central Plaza downtown and to return the plaza to its former glory, the city should prohibit skateboarding there and instead allow skateboarders to use an area in Monroe Park. At Central Plaza, skateboard users are about the only people one sees now, and litter and defaced property have made the plaza unattractive. In a recent survey of downtown merchants, the majority supported a prohibition on skateboarding in the plaza. Clearly, banning skateboarding in Central Plaza will make the area a place where people can congregate for fun or for relaxation."
WORDS: 379
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2011-1-16 23:20:43

先说声抱歉，我的网太卡了，点颜色板没有反应，所以不能给批改处上色，见谅！
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批改总结：
I. 语法小错误有很多，甚至还有拼写错误，希望lz写完后自己先仔细检查一遍，这样有以下几点好处：1.平时养成良好习惯，到了真正考试的时候自然就语法错误少了，到时候也不用花很多时间来修正；2. 文中的语法错误显然已经影响了观点的表达，阅卷者无法领会你真正想表达的意思；3.检查并修正基本语法错误特别是拼写错误后再贴到版上请求他人修改也是对于他人的一种尊重；
II. 他因找的还不错，继续深入一点就更好了！然后语法和词汇再好好加强一下，神马都将是浮云....最后祝lz取得好成绩 lz加油^ ^!
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先说下格式，段落之间空一行，可能是因为黏贴格式丢失吧，总之提一下，考试的时候注意了噢~

The author recommended(和后面的be to blame组合起来翻成中文再看就显得不太妥当，原作者也太邪恶了....索性就用个模板词states啥的) that skateboarders should be to blame for the litter and defaced property of Central Plaza and should be prohibited in Central Plaza downtown and (前面两个and后面都有should，这里可以有~！) be allow (allowed) in Monroe Park, (这里用个句号，后面另起一句，否则同一句句中出现多个谓语了)by doing so the visitors could be attracted to Central Plaza, the glory of it would come back and the area could be used for congregation of people. To support his recommendation, he also cited a survey of downtown merchants, a majority of who supported his opinion. (开头复述了题目，其实可以有更好的写作方式，参考下ETS的官方范文~)

However, it is not clear whether the skateboarders should be responsible for the depression of Center Plaza downtown (指代模糊了，AW中争取每一句都能发挥最大作用，改成 depression of Ceter Plaza downtown's being unattractive是否更好？). The author has said that there are litter and defaced property there, (与之前同样的语法瑕疵，同一句句中有了两个谓语，后文我就不再重复指出了)this to some extent infers that there are nobody (学术写作应避免绝对的情况，可以在前面加一些诸如almost的副词削弱) caring about Central Plaza. If the government and residents do care about it, there should be someone who keeps it clean (这里木有回应前面提到的defaced property的问题). And the situation that skateboarders are about the only people there is probably the result of this carelessness. Maybe others don't want to go there (为神马don't want to go there呢？), and just for its wide and flat ground there (他因有点简单了，再想想有没有更好的他因~我想出的：因为flat and ground, skateboarders都去那儿玩了，所以其他人都被赶跑了), the skateboarders go there. (中式英语的味道，可以改成Maybe the exact reason why skateboarders.....while....) In this case, skateboarders are not the reason for the gloom of Central Plaza, and on the contrary (这里不像是个对比啊@_@), it is just because Central Plaza is out of persons (out of people) that (这里也不能用that连接，可以选择跟个and，而且这里倒是可以对比一下了) the skateboarders go there.  (结尾只是对后半段进行了总结，或者也可以将本段拆分成两段，分别再深入写一下) (他因举的还不错，但是行文逻辑不够严密，再简单重新组织一下语句就能更加strong了)
As for the survey, merchants just care about their own benefits, perhaps (何不把perhaps提前，这样避免了前半句“just”说得太绝对的情况) they thought if the skateboarders can not play in Central Plaza, they would go to the charged fields for skateboarding. Or maybe skateboarders sometimes disturbed their business in some other places, and they just wanted to revenge on them (村民们也太邪恶了....后半句可以不要). Anyway, the opinion of merchants can not represent the whole residents of downtown. (末句提前作为本段的topic sentence是不是更好~？) (第二段就感觉比第一段充实多了，可以再develop一下，为嘛disturb了，为嘛作者要针对merchants做survey，他们和plaza的glory有木有关系，他们是不是真能推动plaza的fun或relaxation的功能，etc.)

If these are the occasions, then prohibiting skateboarding in Central Plaza downtown could not (同样表达得绝对了) bring the results that the author expected. Something else might result in the depression fo (for) Central Plaza. Perhaps it’s the government’s responsibility, then to (语法似乎不对) recover the glory of its former of Central Plaza, the government should enhance administration there. First, they should to (to去掉) keep it clean, then build some public facilities for people's congregation and relaxation, and introduce business there to attract visitors (business和attract visitors之间跳跃稍大了). (本段完全可以与第二段的前半段合并而且单独作为一段，这样就很包满了，况且这段也不能说是something ELST)

Besides, the author recommended (前两段都没有用过去时，这里也用现在时就好了) that the skateboarders could go to Monroe Park. But there is no evidence to show whether that park is suitable for skateboarding. Maybe the ground is not flat, or maybe there are too many people there that there is no broad enough place (中式英文，可改为there is no place broad enough) for the skateboarders. (后面的段落处理得草率了，在考试中切忌面面俱到而面面都未有足够的展开)
To a large extent, the skateboarding there is not the (同样不要处理得这么绝对，这个地方可以加上main, core, vital, only等词) factor preventing Central Plaza from being attractive and back to its former glory. The author should consider fully and deeply about the current situation of Central Plaza and decide what should be done to return the Plaza to its former glory. (结尾段怎样写也可以多看看ets官方范文)

天雨涯UID: 2980560

非常感谢您的细致的指导和您的总结。Thank you very very much~~~
根据您的指导我重新改了一下。还劳烦您看一下~


TOPIC: ARGUMENT2 - The following appeared in a letter sent by a committee of homeowners from the Deerhaven Acres to all homeowners in Deerhaven Acres.



"Seven years ago, homeowners in nearby Brookville community adopted a set of restrictions on how the community's yards should be landscaped and what colors the exteriors of homes should be painted. Since then, average property values have tripled in Brookville. In order to raise property values in Deerhaven Acres, we should adopt our own set of restrictions on landscaping and housepainting."

The author citing a survey of merchants states that skateboarders should be to blame for the litter and defaced property of Central Plaza and therefore prohibited in Central Plaza downtown in order to achieve the revival of Central Plaza. However, it’s not clear whether the litter and defaced property have any relationship with the skateboarders and only the opinion of merchants can’t support the author’s opinion either.
It is unfair to say that the skateboarders should be responsible for the depression of Central Plaza downtown’s being unattractive. The author has said that there are litter and defaced property, and this to some extent infers that there is probably nobody caring about Central Plaza. If the government and residents do care about it, there should be someone to keep it clean and to maintain the property in good condition. In this case, the government should do something to improve the condition there. Perhaps they should send a group of persons to sweep it usually and protect the property there from being damaged. And besides, they should establish some public facilities there and introduce business to Central Plaza in order to attract people to go there again.
And the situation that skateboarders are about the only people there is probably the result of people’s indifferent attitudes. For the indifferent attitudes, the Plaza has become dirtier and shabbier, and this has driven the people away. And because the people there have become less and less, the skateboarders begin to use the empty place. In this case, skateboarders being there is not the reason for the gloom of Central Plaza, but the result of it. Driving the skateboarders away, the glory of the Plaza could not come back, just making it a more deserted place.
As for the survey, the opinion of merchants can’t represent the whole residents of downtown. Maybe other residents don’t mind skateboarders being there. Maybe the author thinks that merchants are important for the revival of Central Plaza, for they may improve the economical condition there and if the skateboarders leaving, the merchants will be more likely to go there, thereby attracting people to visit the Plaza. But there is no guarantee for the arrival of merchants after the leaving of skateboarders, and they may have other purpose. Merchants perhaps care about their own benefits, and they think if the skateboarders can’t play in Central Plaza, they may go to the charged fields for skateboarding.
The author who cares about the revival of Central Plaza has good wishes, but overlooks some other factors which may be responsible for the depression of the Plaza’s being unattractive. It’s proper for him to conduct a survey among the whole residents to see their opinion about the skateboarders’ being in the Plaza. And to find the factors resulting in such situation, he also should examine the chronological order of the unattractive condition of Central Plaza and the advent of skateboarders.

不过现在可以改来改去，但是考试的时候怎么可能细心想呢？除非之前写过。考试的时候怎么能快速组织语言呢？一看时间我就慌了，就开始胡乱写了。

DriverEntryUID: 143979

考前多练，先把大的，重要的地方弄好。。。

天雨涯UID: 2980560

请问大的、重点的是指什么啊？

ytx1989UID: 2916892

整体感觉楼主这篇argu论述的思维有点乱，主次不是很清楚...我个人感觉这篇可以写成递进式，先对survey的可信性进行怀疑， prohibition on skateboarding 并不一定是广大人民群众的呼声；即使survey具有可信性，skateboarding 也不一定就是导致广场衰落得原因，可能是设施过于落后，也可能是人们的生活方式发生改变，逛广场以不再是人们喜好的了；即使上述是衰落的原因，但prohibition并不是唯一解决方式，如果政府投入精力清理垃圾，改善设施，结果是否会更好呢？如果对skateboarding善加利用，那么它是否又会是吸引游客的一个因素呢？
   其次，我觉得如果楼主更加注意自己的行文结构，对开头和结尾的结构加以优化的话，这篇文章会显得更加合理和清晰。
   总之，我个人觉得楼主还是先把文章的逻辑结构整清楚吧，快考试了，望努力！pat..pat...

天雨涯UID: 2980560

恩说的是。感觉这篇逻辑拎不清。。 6# ytx1989

missingusaUID: 2625832

看了下lz的修改稿，语法和词汇都明显好多了，行文逻辑还需要加强；
再强调一下，段间空一行，考试的时候别忘了；
lz要是觉得半小时时间很紧，不如平时训练的时候以25分钟为时限，这样到了考场就不会来不及写完了；

考AW的时候会发给你草稿纸和铅笔，lz可以边读题边将题目的逻辑链简要整理在草稿纸上，这样就不会慌忙凑出一篇了，比如这一题我会这样在草稿纸上列出：

真正考试的时候还会再简要些，毕竟只要自己看得懂就行了，整理完后我们所要做的就是把这些箭头打断，使得箭头无法成立，这才是我们应该攻击的地方；
这种方法在经过短期的训练之后很容易就熟练了，lz加油^ ^

天雨涯UID: 2980560

非常感谢！！不好意思，我忘记了段落要空行了。以后一定记得。请问下哦，考试难道可以带纸和笔吗？

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

会发

天雨涯UID: 2980560

哦。那好的。还想呢，光在脑子里想这些逻辑好乱啊。多谢多谢！

missingusaUID: 2625832

关于考务请看：
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=987052

不过每个考点的具体情况会有小小的不同，证件查得严还是松，房间大小，考场环境等等都会有一些差别，lz可以搜索自己考点的相关经验帖子；

天雨涯UID: 2980560

恩 好的 真是非常感谢啊~~