IBT之大家来写作——【修改帖】

wuqian0801UID：2637709

响应写作小组展开的写作活动~
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1140043-1-1.html

每天抽一个童鞋的作业来改 被抽到的童鞋我会QQ通知他/她
希望被抽到的童鞋来看改后的作文...


KoalaWu.

wuqian0801UID：2637709

1-22   Wendy
The purpose of television should be all educative, not entertain?
In this day and time,[这是神马表达嘛..直接说Currently即可] TV as a main media has come to pervade every aspect of our minds and behaviors. Accordingly, nowadays[第一句说了‘当今’现在继续说Nowaday 太繁复删掉], we are facing a question in order to make a progress should the purpose of TV be all educative without entertain?:

Personally, I have a profound conviction[①profound 错误删掉。②conviction 是和罪有关系的改成观点<opinion> *不要为了体现词汇多变而用错了词
注意！] that only optimally balance the educative and entertain programs will the enormous benefits derived from watching TV. While other position says that TV is just a means for human to learn so as to the use of TV be focused on education is enough.
【托福作文的破题说来其实很单一无非随着… 然后出现什么问题.. 再来一群人认为.. 另一群人认为… 我觉得… 原因如下… 或者直接说面对这么一个问题… 我会倾向于…观点，因为我认为…
<所以你的破题是用了破题方法一，这个明显可以合并成一段啊不用再分开了.. >

看你的破题：第一句话：当今，作为主要媒体的TV已经逐步渗透到我们的言行了。这里有一个错误：渗透到我们的日常生活
影响到我们的言行。不是渗透到言行！
再看，第二句话：随后，我们正在面对一个问题为了要进步
是否~ 这句话是错误的。
错误①随后我们正面对一个问题这句话和上一句的背景陈述逻辑上是不对的。起码应该这么说：现在 TV作为主导媒体 开始逐步渗透到我们的日常生活，影响我们的言行。然而，这又引发我们队另一个论题的思考：是否…
错误② without entertain 是错误的。 Entertain是动词。该是without entertainment

再看你的句子：I have a ~ that only potimally balance the educative and entertain programs will the enrmous benefits derived from watching TV.
这句话是错误的。你的意思是既有这个也有那个是有很多优点的。
错误①：balance的主语是神马？错误②：什么will enormous benefits<什么有优点前面必须有名词吧或者动名词吧>
从这句话看：你的句法无比混乱。米有句法概念以及基本主谓结构在写作的过程中都被忽略掉。
这句话可以这么表达： I have a opinion that balancing the portion of educative prorams and entertaining programs can be beneficial to audiences in that …】

First, entertaining programmers is able to relive people's pressure after a day's hard work and study. Imagine this, when you finish your work and go back home, exhausted, throw yourself into sofa, will you chose an educative lecture or an entertain TV show? [表给rator提问
你怎么确定人家是和你一个立场的？万一他就愿意折磨自己呢? 改成陈述句表达]The latter one will be your choice, I guess, it's a common way to relax.  
【错误①：A is able to do 可以直接说成：A can do错误②：例子很weak. 说回家很累坐下来难道还想看教育频道的TV show么？万一人家就喜欢很累的时候
听易中天侃三国呢？听刘心武说红楼呢？你不能预测人家和你一个想法。所以改成陈述句陈述观点。另外你后面也说了是guess 更加体现了你的例子是不可用。甚至
无法称之为例证。什么叫例子：https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=1214415&highlight=
看这个帖子的例证感觉一下。】

Second, it's no doubt that families get together to see a TV show is an easy access to prompt the relationship. Surrounded by the harmonious atmosphere each family member will feel happy. No matter for the older ones or the youngsters, once involved in entertain programs, they can talk, laugh, or sing together.5
【错误点同上。没有例子。只是小小论了一下。
错误②：没头没脑的说家人聚一起看电视的好处。题目是：教育性节目和娱乐节目。你怎么可以偷换概念？娱乐节目可不等于家人一起看 随后很hapi 这是两码事。】
Last but not least, it's generally accepted that educative program is of central significance to us especially to the healthy growth of children. We can be aware of the news around the whole world via TV. Having a good command of information indoors as well as outdoors will do good to our communication with others, i.e. it offers us a wider space to live our lives, a broader idea to wake our minds. Therefore, the purpose of television should also focus on education. In a word, both educative and entertain programs should be presented in front of us.
【最后一段是模板？ having a good command of info indoors and  outdoors... 这句和论题根本无关。论题是：教育性节目和娱乐节目、是论述电视该全教育呢？还是该娱乐？ 】

Total:
a. 基本句法混乱、词性不明确
b. 句子逻辑不对、例子基本没有、少数论证
c. 论题偷换概念

以上3点均是要命的错误。平时写作需要多注意自己是否一再犯错~ 及时改正~

Add!

w龙ol杨fUID：2779438

错误有很多，写例子的时候真的很愁，例子很匮乏，麻烦您帮我批改作文了，我会注意尽量减少错误，每次作文都是我最头疼的，请问您关于举例子方面有什么方法吗？实在是头大啊

a08805436UID：2725634

求修改～daily writing小组的
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-1227020-1-1.html

jjooyyUID：2704028

谢谢支持 我们的帖子 转到这里了哦。。。
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthre ... p;page=1&extra=

hdchangieUID：2402936

求修改~~~~~~~

wuqian0801UID：2637709

1-24
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Visiting museums is the best way to learn a country.（281）4 y9 N  p; h; e
) g8 s' I7 ~6 \; h
There is no doubt that visiting museums is a fairly good way to understand a country by appreciating its artistic and historical culture. When faced with numerical objects which are full of beauty, subtlety and profundity, we would certainly lose ourselves and learn the culture and civilization of a country at the same time. In addition, some of the artistic achievements have expressed profound truth which could breathe into our soul the warmth of life.6 P& g* o/ B4 @6 r* S
% X- J- J0 i5 g# n& [9 K2 C
However, there are some other ways to learn a country. Firstly, studying, or having a higher education in this country is an excellent way to get familiar with the people, places and culture there. When learning in a country, you can see something deep inside.[是什么内在的东西呢？后面跟上的例子并没有马上解决疑问
而是不相关的说通常只会看到比较表层的东西
那么你说的sth deep是神马？这个是例子。] For example, while just having a glimpse at the museums, you can only see visual civilization that is static and hackneyed expression whose expressiveness has been worn away by centuries of overuse. On the contrary, when studying in a university, you could learn a country from multi-dimensional aspects.[哪些方面呢？这个是details 所以必须说。]


Moreover, reading local newspapers and magazines helps us understand the ongoing facts in that country, which is more practical and useful compared to visiting the museums. For instance, one [谁啊？]could hardly know the political events and other important news[什么重要的新闻啊？] in the museums. But when you open a local newspaper, you can get an overview of the world[看一份本地报纸
就能知晓世界大事？不符合常理~ ] out there. Furthermore, reading newspapers also broadens our horizon.[如何拓宽视野呢？具体的表现在哪里？比如说
看本地报纸让我知道原来当地人把什么什么当做是吉祥物
难怪我之前总是看到什么什么出现在各种商店等公共场合]~5 W
To sum up, while I have to admit that visiting museums is a good way to learn a country, there are some other ways to understand it. When trying to learn a country, we can carry out several approaches and thus understand it in a better way.


Tips:
基本错误不多 但是论述方面对于例子没有概念。
例如：你只是泛泛说提高了什么。改善了什么。但是没有说这些方面体现在具体的哪一个事情上。如果你没说 这个就是很弱的论证。
万金油的理由仅仅是理由。但是当需要例子论证的时候 必须通过各种事件或者具体的东西体现出来。通常表现为：通过什么方式/在什么情况下/做了什么/和之前对比 提高在具体什么方面 等。
这些才叫具体事例。而不是简单的说 这个东西狂好啊 能够提高我的知识面。 如果这么说的话 没什么说服力...


ps:建议用JJ写作吧 185的作文实在够老了 练习起来不给力。

静音UID：2893385

求修改～～
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-1227296-1-2.html

hdchangieUID：2402936

求修改~~https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-1227163-1-1.html

坠坠芙蓉影UID：2815408

楼主，提个小建议。说好是从当天交作业的同学中随机抽一篇的，那就请不要直接改说“求修改”并附上链接的同学们的作文。如果你改了，那大家都跟风，都喊“求修改”贴链接，秩序不就乱套了吗？况且这样楼主你自己也不好做选择。

静音UID：2893385

楼主，提个小建议。说好是从当天交作业的同学中随机抽一篇的，那就请不要直接改说“求修改”并附上链接的同学们的作文。如果你改了，那大家都跟风，都喊“求修改”贴链接，秩序不就乱套了吗？况且这样楼主你自己也不 ...
坠坠芙蓉影 发表于 2011-1-26 22:03

今天是特殊情况啦，是楼主不知道谁做作业了才在群里说要修改的同学去发贴。。
我想也只是偶尔一次而已。

坠坠芙蓉影UID：2815408

11# 静音
哦，是这样啊，我不太上QQ，没看到。抱歉哦^^

wuqian0801UID：2637709

明晚补上抽查的同学的作文修改.. 希望大家谅解.. 申请实习事宜太忙...

adj-remyUID：2974851

https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-1204431-2-1.html
能帮忙修改一下吗？
就是1,27那篇，谢谢了

WoYaoChiJiTuiUID：2850295

小组内互改的童鞋，建议我发到这来让斑竹改一下
不知道是否有乱秩序，如果可以的话就改一下吧