再次呼叫咖啡!!issue处女作求给个分数加拍砖

wuz1990UID: 3003116

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咖啡盐UID: 2973669

Issue......130........

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

What determines the destiny of society? The speaker claims it is how children are socialized today. Admittedly, how children are socialized played an important role. However, there are other more significant factors, and we already possess the required method to raise children.

Undoubtedly, socialization is essential in the growth of children who determines the future of our society. It is in the process of learning how to socialize that children learn to share with their peers food and toys to expand the pleasure; it is in the process of learning how to socialize that children learn how to cooperate with other children to accomplish a task that cannot be done individually; it is in the process of learning how to socialize that children learn how to compromise when their thoughts contradict others', for the sake of the entire group. Without a proper sense of socialization, children might suffer from a lack of knowledge about how to deal with people when they step into the society. A society without sharing will not thrive; a society without cooperation will not be prosperous; a society without compromise will be cruel. Therefore, emphasis on socialization is definitely necessary.
这一段你用了同样的排比方法两次...这种长句排比目的在于加强语势，所以多用于否定式即without或者反问，意义在于让人无可反驳。但是紫色部分显然没有起到这种效果，相反给人一种冗长罗嗦的感觉，排比最好用简单句。就像你这一段总共7行，这个排比占了4行，只是为了进一步交代socialization是神马，文章的thesis不是问what is socialization。而且这里有一个坏处，紫色部分你是在给socialization下定义，表示通过社会化能得到神马，但是社会化的定义太宽泛了，不可能一应俱全，而且你这么说了，却没有给出相应的support。你说社会化的过程是孩子学会与人分享，与人合作，是吧？readers就要相信吗？你没有给出一个可以让人信服的support，evidence，等于是泛泛而谈了。你只说了怎么样，却没说为神马会这样。

However, socialization is not the only thing that calls for our concentration. There are a host of other factors that may as well determine the future of our society, such as persistence, innovation and specialization, etc. Mendel, the father of genetics, devoted himself persistently for years in the experiment with peas, and finally revealed the secret of life. Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, put his outstanding innovation into practice and started the revolution of personal computers in which they become so popular throughout the world. Yuan Longping, the Chinese specialist in agriculture, did years of research in the specific field of hybrid rice and ultimately solved the problem of famine. These achievement have changed our society significantly, and have little to do with socialization. Hoping for a better society, we should put great emphasis on raising a well-rounded young generation with not only a good grasp of socialization, but also possess persistence, innovation, specialization as well as other qualities required for great achievement.

Moreover, the current education system is not that problematic as the speaker claims. There is a clear division of work between schools, families and communities: professional instructors in schools prepare children with the basic knowledge needed for further education as well as the moral education; parents teach their children the fundamental common sense of life and help children grow in a psychologically healthy way; communities provide the chance for children to socialize in playgrounds. Thus, children today are receiving a well-rounded education that will lead them to future success in life, and ultimately contributing the forming of a better society.

To sum up, even though socialization of children is indispensable for a prosperous society, it does not suffice to guarantee the prosperity. Great attention should also be paid to the education of children, in which persistence, innovation, specialization and a host of other qualities are essential. Given that our current education system has already done a good job, more commitment to education is still needed, but an education that rule out all other qualities and simply emphasizes socialization will turn out to be ineffective and even catastrophic, because a person who only knows how to socialize without any practical skills contributes little to the well-being of the society.


不幸地通知你，你跑题了......
感觉你是在说socialization和future的关系。你的thesis感觉成了socialization is an important role of future developing, but not the only factor. title中社会化的重要载体是孩子，但是你文章中忽略了孩子这一重要元素。


"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
我觉得文章分两个部分，而且是事实命题。How children are socialized today 如何社会化孩子，determines the destiny of society决定了社会的未来。
title我感觉可以看成一个科研项目，项目的目的是为了找出影响社会未来的因素，那么作者认为影响因素是如何社会化孩子。首先因该对这个问题进行肯定或者否定。如果赞同作者，那就要帮助他支撑观点。如果否定，不是如何社会化孩子决定的，那神马决定的？
继续科研项目，知道了原因，就要找解决办法，作者这里认为还没有找到解决办法。你同意吗？我们还不知道怎么去培养能帮助建设美好社会的孩子。


How children are socialized & how to raise children 文章重点在于培养孩子，而不是如何社会化，社会化只是培养孩子的一个途径。


囧，这篇我一直都还木有下笔....刚开始写过一次，但是每天都会觉得这篇写的很差....这问题理解相当活跃，而且拗口...

wuz1990UID: 3003116

3# 咖啡盐 啊，谢谢啦，看来我果然是不能拿到３分了，Ｔ．Ｔ．１８号就考试了

constantine124UID: 2703633

我操 咖啡太牛了。我过段时间要复习写作，就找咖啡了

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

5# constantine124

JC居然来AW版鸟~

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

3# 咖啡盐  啊，谢谢啦，看来我果然是不能拿到３分了，Ｔ．Ｔ．１８号就考试了
wuz1990 发表于 2011-2-15 17:19

不用这么悲观，这么多题目不一定就抽到130，继续努力还不晚！还有好几天呢。多思考思考思路

constantine124UID: 2703633

6# 咖啡盐 为鸟找咖啡~

constantine124UID: 2703633

楼上正解 我复习6天就3.0了 你写的这么认真 绝对有好成绩！

wuz1990UID: 3003116

7# 咖啡盐 恩,谢谢谢谢

wuz1990UID: 3003116

9# lasselore 祈祷RP大爆发

wuz1990UID: 3003116

10# constantine124 哈哈,谢啦,阿姆兄